Friday humour - July 05, 2013

Gussius @ Bluehaze

This week the political game changed in the lead up to the Australian feral
election. Or did it?

Kevin í07 was recycled as King Ė a move which had the Abbott and Bishop of
Oppositionís freckles twitching faster than a real Abbott or Bishop at a
s*x abuse enquiry. No change there other than a massive swing in the polls.

A new appointee to Ruddís cabinet was sworn in on his imaginary holy book
which was different to the regular all-Australian imaginary holy book. So
he was ostracised on Facebook. Pity he wasnít a potential Test squad for
the Ashes leg spinner like Fawad Ahmed who presumably has his own version
of an imaginary foreign holy book. Respect would be nice.

A record number of women are now in the pre-election cabinet. The
electorate didnít like one woman there previously, so an even dozen would
be twelve times the target for denigrating women.

So now all the feral opposition want is an early election. They want a
date. I might be a swinger,
but Iím not desperate enough to date any of them.

Contributors this week include Anonymous3, Burnout, Nottingham Smithie,
Wally, Whizzbang, Cartographer Chris, Diks, Seasoldier and anon as usual.

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Port-a-potty:
 Click here

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New Memorial Middle East Wall  - Did you know?:

I didn't know about this. Thought you might be interested.
New Middle East Wall, a memorial for US troops. Did you know?
 Click here

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1949 Mercury Dwarf Car by Ernie Adams :
 Click here

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HOW OLDER GUYS PICK UP CHICKS:

A truly touching story.

I met a girl in the park the other evening.†
There was an instant spark between us and†she immediately dropped to her
knees and laid on†the grass at my feet.†
As we lay making love, I thought †"These Taser guns are well worth the
money"

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NSA -- The Real Target - humor:
 Click here

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Irish Sugar Test:

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy - reaches into his pocket and
takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some
whiskey onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.
"Could you taste this for me, please?"
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid
around and swallows it.
"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
"No, not at all," says the chemist.
"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get
my urine tested for sugar."

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A serious business:
 Click here

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A Silk Purse from a Sow's Ear:
 Click here

A lovely performance on a true American folk instrument.  This has to be
one of the best things to ever come out of Appalachia.

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Some Grooming Ideas for Your Puppies:
 Click here

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Frustrated trainee bomber?:

Stress relief for a quick bang. Click on the button and keep clicking until
the voices in your head go away!
 Click here

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Various:

How to Stay out of Reach of the US (Map)
 Click here

Rollin Safari (If the Jungle Animals were fat & overweight - Flamingos)
 Click here

Rollin Safari (The Chase)
 Click here

Rollin Safari (Water Hole)
 Click here

Rollin Safari (Sleeping Beauty)
 Click here

Juggling Around (Iceland)
 Click here

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Definitely thinking outside the box:

Those of you who have even a slight mechanicís mind will love this.
You donít have to be an engineer to appreciate this story...

A toothpaste factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes
without the tube of toothpaste inside. This challenged their perceived
quality with the buyers and distributors.
Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the
company assembled all of his top people. They decided to hire an external
engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. The project
followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated,
RFP, and third-parties selected.

Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time,
on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.

They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would
sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than
it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the
defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a
result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being
shipped out of the factory.

With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well
spent. At the end of the first month, he reviewed the line statistics
report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in
the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next three
weeks were zero! The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes
a day. He had the engineers check the equipment and they verified the
report as accurate.

Puzzled, the CEO travelled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line
where the precision scale was installed, and observed that just ahead of
the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty
boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that
was about.

"Oh, that," the supervisor replied,"Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it
there because he was tired of walking over, removing the box and
re-starting the line every time the bloody bell rang.Ē

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Vacation planning:
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It is that time of the year when you may be planning for your vacation ...
and find that you are stuck for new ideas as to what to do that would be
different and exciting. Well permit me to make a few suggestions that you
might find interesting ... and different ... and something you have always
wanted to do but never gave much thought about ... until now.  Consider
some suggestions for your bucket list.....

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Danger Sign:
 Click here

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Father's Day Gift Idea: [XXX]
 Click here
This is for the Golfer who has everything!!!
A Tee Warmer.!!....

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Level 4 situation:
 Click here

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A California Love Story:
 Click here

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Why our great-grandparents were happier:
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Have you ever wondered why our great grandparents all had such fond
memories of their youth?

Well... I'm surprised they remembered anything at all!!!

Forget Tums & Tylenol.

Forget Aleve & Benadryl

Look at the cool stuff they had back then!

A bottle of Bayer's 'Heroin'
Between 1890 and 1910 heroin was sold as a non-addictive substitute
for morphine..
It was also used to treat children suffering with a strong cough.

Coca Wine, anyone?

Metcalf's Coca Wine was one of a huge variety of wines with cocaine
on the market.
Everybody used to say that it would make you happy and it would also work
as a medicinal treatment.

Mariani Wine.

Mariani wine (1875) was the most famous Coca wine of its time.
Pope Leo XIII used to carry a bottle with him all the time.
He awarded Angelo Mariani (the producer) with a Vatican gold medal.

Maltine

Produced by the Maltine Manufacturing Company of New York
It was suggested that you should take a full glass with or after
every meal.
Children should only take half a glass.

A paperweight

A paperweight promoting C.F. Boehringer & Soehne ( Mannheim ,
Germany ).
They were proud of being the biggest producers in the world of
products containing Quinine and Cocaine.

Opium for Asthma

At 40% alcohol plus 3 grams of opium per tablet. It didn't cure
you... But you didn't care!

Cocaine Tablets (1900)

All stage actors, singers, teachers and preachers had to have them
for a maximum performance. Great to 'smooth' the voice.

Cocaine drops for toothache

Very popular for children in 1885
Not only did they relieve the pain, they made the children very
happy!

Opium for newborns

I'm sure this would make them sleep well.
Not only the Opium, but also the 46% alcohol

It's no wonder they were called,
"The Good Old Days"
From cradle to grave... Everyone was STONED !!!

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Flip a coin...:
 Click here
Probably 50% you get head. 50% probably you get tail.

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A fine Actress:
 Click here Click here
Meryl is a fabulous actress

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Mail cat:
 Click here
Definitely a ball bearing cat: the Mail Cat

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funnies:
 Click here Click here Click here

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Sealed with a kiss:
 Click here

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I love getting to second base:
 Click here

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Aftermath:
 Click here

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Stuck up in New Zealand:
 Click here

A woman, in the southern New Zealand city of Dunedin, could only grunt, as
she made a midnight emergency call.

"Ambulance received a call but, due to the muffled speech, they were unsure
whether it was a medical event, or whether someone had been gagged," said
Senior Sergeant Steve Aitken.

It had been a frightening experience for the woman, because her breathing
was impeded by a heavy cold, he said.

Speaking after treatment at Dunedin Hospital, the 64-year-old woman said
that while fumbling for a tube of cold-sore cream in the middle of the
night, she had mistakenly picked up one that held superglue.

She then discovered her mouth was glued shut, and dialled the emergency
number.

"I couldn't speak on the phone, so I couldn't tell them where I lived.

"I couldn't tell them my phone number.

"The communication was 'Do you live in Dunedin?' and I grunted 'mmm', and
then the lady went through all the suburbs, and then all the streets. She
was very, very patient.

"I had to tap on the phone, one tap for no and two taps for yes, and then
it took a long time to narrow down the streets, and then all the numbers
too."

Officers first sent a team of police dog handlers to the house, fearing the
woman had been gagged during a violent attack.

Doctors at the hospital used paraffin oil to remove the glue.

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Eye and Dirty Mind test:
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Relax, itís just a ceiling

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Video Links & 8 Photos:
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Helena Vlahos (9 X 25 cents + $1 note)
 Click here

Old Rock Stars (Tim Hawkins)
 Click here

Elderly Gangsters (Prank)
 Click here

Destruction (In Slow Motion)
 Click here

Human Lifespan (In Jelly Beans)
 Click here

Let's Ride (Griffon Rollercoaster)
 Click here

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Ice Cream Truck Catches Fire in Texas:
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Oops sorry, wrong truck ...

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Hard to Explain:
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Adult Cartoons:
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Doggy Photos:
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Only in Pennsylvania:
 Click here Click here

Two people who were "getting lucky" in a public park, ended up getting
arrested by 25 cops on bicycles.

Jennifer Harvey, 41, and Richard McBride, 37, were arrested after officers
-- 25 of them, all on bikes -- say they saw them having s*x on a bench in
Naylor's Run Park in Upper Darby,
Pennsylvania.

"There they are, on the first base line. There's a bench, she is bent over
the bench, and our friend is behind her with his pants down to his ankle,
banging away," is how Upper Darby Police
Superintendent Michael Chitwood colourfully put it.

The 25 were participating in a "bicycle school" when they saw the couple in
action. The authorities were the only ones in the vicinity when they made
the arrest.

Harvey and McBride were both arrested and charged with open lewdness and
disorderly conduct.
Chitwood suspects they were surprised by the level of police interest.

Imagine being arrested by 25 cops,Ě Chitwood said, They were as shocked as
the police were.

Harvey and McBride were both released on $30,000 bail, pending a hearing on
July 10 in district court.

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National Geographic Traveller Photo Contest 2013:
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The 25th annual National Geographic Traveller Photo Contest  is under way,
and entries will be accepted until June 30, 2013.
First prize winner will receive a 10-day Galapagos expedition for two.
Photos and captions by the photographers.

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Spencer Tunick's work:
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For 20 years now, New York-based photographer Spencer Tunick, 46, has been
creating human art installations all over the world, calling together
volunteers by the hundreds or thousands,
asking them to remove their clothes, and photographing them in massive
groups. His philosophy is that "individuals en masse, without their
clothing, grouped together, metamorphose into a new shape." He aims to
create an architecture of flesh, where the masses of human bodies blend
with the landscape.

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16 Reasons why you Shouldn't be naked:
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What Would You Do?:
 Click here

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Aviation Oddities:
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Stipa-Caproni, an experimental Italian aircraft with a
barrel-shaped fuselage (1932).
Photo: Wikimedia Commons
Vought V-173, the "Flying Pancake", an American experimental
fighter aircraft for the
United States Navy (1942).
Photo: San Diego Air & Space Museum/Scribd
Blohm & Voss BV 141, a World War II German tactical
reconnaissance aircraft, notable for its uncommon structural asymmetry.
Photo: MailScanner has detected a possible fraud attempt from
"www.wwiiaircraftphotos.com" claiming to be wwiiaircraftphotos.com
Douglas XB-42 Mixmaster, an experimental bomber aircraft,
designed to have a very high top speed (1944).
Photo: U.S. Air Force
Libellula, a tandem-winged and twin-engined British
experimental plane which gives the pilot an excellent view for landing on
aircraft carriers (1945).
Photo: William Vanderson/Fox Photos/Getty Images
North American XF-82. Stitch together two P-51 Mustangs, and
you get this long-range escort fighter (1946).
Photo: U.S. Air Force
Northrop XB-35, an experimental flying wing heavy bomber
developed for the United
States Army Air Forces during and shortly after World War II.
Photo: U.S. Air Force
McDonnell XF-85 Goblin, an American prototype jet fighter,
intended to be deployed from the bomb bay of the Convair B-36 (1948).
Photo: U.S. Air Force
Martin XB-51, an American "tri-jet" ground attack aircraft.
Note the unorthodox design:
one engine at the tail, and two underneath the forward fuselage in pods
(1949).
Photo: U.S. Air Force
Douglas X-3 Stiletto, built to investigate the design
features necessary for an aircraft to sustain supersonic speeds (1953 -
1956)
Photo: NASA/DFRC
Lockheed XFV, "The Salmon," an experimental tailsitter
prototype escort fighter aircraft (1953).
Photo: U.S. Air Force
De Lackner HZ-1 Aerocycle flying platform, designed to carry
one soldier to reconnaissance missions (1954).
Photo: U.S. Army/army.arch
Snecma Flying Coleoptere (C-450), a French experimental,
annular wing aeroplane,
propulsed by a turbo-reactor, able to take off and land vertically (1958).
Photo: Keystone/Getty Images
Avro Canada VZ-9 Avrocar, a VTOL disk-shaped aircraft
developed as part of a secret
U.S. military project (1959)
Photo: William "Bill" Zuk/Wikimedia Commons
HL-10, one of five aircraft built in the Lifting Body
Research Program of NASA (1966 -
1970).
Photo: NASA/DFRC
Dornier Do 31, a West German experimental VTOL tactical
support transport aircraft (1967).
Photo: amphalon
Alexander Lippisch's Aerodyne, a wingless experimental
aircraft. The propulsion was generated by two co-axial shrouded propellers
(1968).
Photo: Flying Magazine, Apr 1960
Hyper III, a full scale lifting body remotely piloted
vehicle, built at the NASA Flight
Research Center in 1969.
Photo: NASA/DFRC
Bartini Beriev VVA-14, a Soviet vertical take-off amphibious
aircraft (1970s)
Photo: Alex Beltyukov/Wikimedia Commons
Ames-Dryden (AD)-1 Oblique Wing, a research aircraft designed
to investigate the concept of a pivoting wing (1979 - 1982).
Photo: NASA/DFRC
B377PG - NASA's Super Guppy Turbine cargo plane, first flew
in its outsized form in 1980.
Photo: NASA/DFRC
X-29 forward swept wing jet plane, flown by the NASA Dryden
Flight Research Center, as a technology demonstrator (1984 - 1992).
Photo: NASA/DFRC
X-36 Tailless Fighter Agility Research Aircraft, a subscale
prototype jet built by
McDonnell Douglas for NASA (1996 - 1997).
Photo: NASA/DFRC
Beriev Be-200 Seaplane, a Russian multipurpose amphibious
aircraft (1998).
Photo: amphalon
Proteus, a tandem-wing, twin-engine research aircraft, built
by Scaled Composites in 1998.
Photo: NASA/DFRC

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[ End friday humour ]

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