Friday humour - June 21, 2013

From Burnout @ Bluehaze:

From: Anonymous3
Subject: Utterly amazing---don't miss this story and short video
THIS WOMAN IN THE VIDEO FOUND THIS LION INJURED IN THE FOREST AND ABOUT TO
DIE. SHE TOOK THE LION WITH HER AND NURSED THE LION BACK TO HEALTH.
WHEN THE LION WAS BETTER SHE MADE ARRANGEMENTS WITH A ZOO TO TAKE THE LION
AND GIVE IT A NEW AND HAPPY HOME.
THIS VIDEO WAS TAKEN WHEN THE WOMAN AFTER SOME TIME WENT TO VISIT THE LION
TO SEE HOW HE WAS DOING.
 WATCH THE LION'S REACTION WHEN HE SEES HER......... AMAZING!!!!!
 Click here

    ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Burnout
Subject: Paper Plates..........
 Click here

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Burnout
Subject: Paki Pile driver
The recent, horrible and tragic building collapses in South Asia have
already resulted in the adoption of new building construction standards
and practices ... in a regulatory effort to ensure this type of disaster
never again occurs.

Only a month after more than 1,100 Bangladeshi garment workers lost
their lives in the collapse of a badly-built and poorly-maintained
eight-storey building, the new building code has - thankfully - gone
into force ... and its rigid practices are already being applied by
highly-skilled and properly-trained construction teams labouring on
job-sites all across the sub-continent .......
 Click here
I'd saythe foreman is the guy on the tamborine.

    ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Burnout
Subject: The Irish Funeral
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning
coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the
nearby cemetery. A black hear*e was followed by a second black hear*e
about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hear*e was a solitary man walking a dog on
a leash. Behind him, a short distance back were about 200 men,
walking in single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully

approached the man walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss and this may be a bad time to
disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this before.
Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hear*e?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my
wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence
passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

    ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Burnout
Subject: Groceries and Opera
 Click here

    ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Digi Maria
Subject: Swan Lake by Chinese State Circus

I don't think Tchaikovsky had this choreography in mind when he wrote " Swan
Lake ." How could anyone imagine the performance you are about to see?

With a population of nearly 1.5 billion, the Chinese had to locate one
great dancer with strength and gymnastic skills..... and they did.

Watch this superb performance:
 Click here

    ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Digi Maria
Subject: Noah's Ark

In the year 2013, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and
said:

"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see
the end of all flesh before me."

"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few
good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending
rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his
yard - but no Ark."Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the
Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."

"I needed a Building Permit."

"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a
sprinkler system."

"My homeowners association claim that I've violated the
Neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the
height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a
decision."

"Then the City Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed
load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other
overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the
sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear
none of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local
trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."

"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to
save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA took me to court.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They
argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and
inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build
the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your
proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights
Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building
crew."

"The Immigration Dept. Is checking the visa status of most of the
people who want to work."

"The labor unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire
only union workers with ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm
trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to
finish this ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow
stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to
destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. " The Government beat me to it."

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: How cool is this.....
 Click here

    ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Seasoldier
Subject: Fw: FW: Nurse Laughs At Patient

"Of course I won't laugh," said the Nurse to the patient, "I'm a
professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

   "Okay then," said Bill, and he proceeded to drop his trousers,
revealing the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her
life.
    In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.

   Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it
just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was
laughing.
    Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private part, she
composed herself as well as she could.

   "I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my
honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now,
tell me, what seems  to be the problem?"

   "It's swollen," Bob replied.

   She ran out of the room.

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: The Great Gussius
Subject: Women vs men communication
 Click here

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Wally
Subject: 10 Reasons to be Kicked Off a Plane

Saying "BOMB" a hundred times, because of Tourette Syndrome
 Michael
Doyle, 28, brought paperwork doc*menting his illness in case he said
anything to prompt a security concern. He has Tourette syndrome, a
neurological disorder that can cause uncontrolled speech.

Sadly, that's exactly what happened: he said "bomb" as many as 100
times during the check-in process. He said he had the Boston Marathon
bombings on his mind, and as he became more nervous the problem worsened.
The Transportation Security Administration let him board, but a Jet Blue
pilot kicked him off the plane before departure. The New York-based airline
issued a statement saying the pilot initially had a security concern but
later determined the situation was "innocuous" and offered Doyle a spot on
the next flight.

Singing Whitney Houston's "I Will Always..."

An American Airlines flight from Los Angeles to New York made an
emergency stop to kick off Mia Crooks, 20, who refused to stop singing
Whitney Houston songs.

The solo performance began shortly after the flight departed from Los
Angeles, and her crooning quickly became too much for passengers and staff
on the domestic flight. That's why the pilot was forced to change course
halfway through the six hour flight and make an unscheduled stop at Kansas
City so officers could escort Crooks from the plane.

After being interviewed, Crooks was released without charges, but
American Airlines refused to fly her to her destination.

 Saying "BYE, BYE PLANE" as the aircraft prepared for liftoff
 Kate
Penland, 24, and her 19-month-old son, Garren, were flying from Atlanta to
Oklahoma on a Continental Express flight, when the child started saying
"Bye, bye plane” over and over.

When Kate refused a flight attendant's request to medicate her son with
Benadryl to silence the baby and make him stop saying "bye bye,” the
flight attendant announced that they were returning in order to get them
out of the airplane. Very quickly, what started as an unpleasant flight
became no flight at all.

 Smelling bad
 An Air Canada Jazz flight from Charlottetown, on
Prince Edward Island, was preparing for a flight to Montreal when
passengers on the plane reportedly complained about the odour coming from
one of their fellow travellers. One passenger described the smell as
"brutal" though, which was not much better than the crew's treatment, who
eventually decided to ask Steffano Burgis, 31, to leave the plane.

 Wearing Baggy Pants
 Deshon Marman, a 20-year-old University of
New Mexico football player was kicked off a flight, because the airline's
dress code forbids "indecent or inappropriate exposure."

Marman's pants were below his buttocks but above the knees, and his
boxer shorts were showing. Police asked to Marman to pull up his pants, but
he refused, which was the reason he was then asked to leave the plane.

Marman's mother told the media that her son had attended a friend's
funeral and was "still in an emotionally raw state.”

Cursing

Robert Sayegh, a 37-year-old Brooklyn man, was kicked off a plane for using
the “f%#k” word two times.

After a 45 minute delay in Detroit, Sayegh allegedly turned to his
seatmate and said, "What's taking so f*cking long to close the overhead
compartments? What the f*ck is going on?” A flight attendant overheard
him and had the plane return to the gate, where police officers boarded the
plane and escorted him off.

After the incident, Sayegh told the Media that he was not drunk, just
hungover.

 Crying about her father's heart attack and a fear of flying
 Ricci
Wheatley, 19, and her sister Diane, 21, were flying to visit their father
who had recently suffered a heart attack, when suddenly Ricci broke down
and started to cry because she is afraid of flying.

To relieve her anxiety she ordered a glass of wine from the hostess,
but the flight attendant told her she'd had enough, even though Wheatley
hadn't had any wine on the plane.

After the misunderstanding with the flight attendant, the sisters were
removed from the flight, and Southwest did pay for a hotel room and meal
that night as well as re-booking them on a flight to Dallas the next day.

 Being too tall
 On a flight boarding the flight from Portland to
Ontario, 26, David Rossa, a 6'9" passenger was removed for being too tall
to fit into his seat, causing him unneeded humiliation and upsetting his
travel plans, of course.

Rossa states that he tried to get an exit row seat for additional room,
but none were available when he purchased his tickets.

Once aboard the plane, a flight attendant tripped over his legs while
walking and demanded that he fit his legs fully into his seat. Rossa calmly
explained how he tried to get another spot and that the phone operator said
it would be the flight attendant's problem.

The flight attendant stormed out and another staff member explained
that he must remove his legs from the aisle or leave the flight. A third
airline official then showed up and told Rossa he must get off the plane.

 Coughing
 Rachel Collier, a 16-year-old Hawaiian girl, was kicked
of her flight while travelling home from a school trip in New York because
she was coughing uncontrollably.

The flight attendants gave her water, and a doctor gave her the OK to
make the 10-hour trip, yet the captain still returned the airplane to the
gate to drop off the girl and one of her teacher's, Maile Kawamura.

The captain felt he was acting in the best interest of the girl and the
other passengers on the flight, and Continental reimbursed both seats. They
were forced to make the trip home the next day.

 Taking a picture of rude air stewards
 Photographer Sandy DeWitt,
34, was boarding the flight from Miami to Philadelphia when she saw an
employee being rude to several passengers in the boarding area, so she
decided to take a picture of the situation.

However, once she took her seat and turned off her iPhone, the
employee, named Tonialla G., got on the plane, confronted her and ordered
her to delete the photo. To make it worse, Tonialla informed the pilot and
considered Dewitt a security risk, which then led to the photographer being
escorted off the plane and barred from flying.

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Whizzbang
Subject: big
 A woman had  been on the game for 4
years and was worried about the  size of her f*nny on her wedding night so
she  decided
to tell her  husband she caught it climbing over a fence
when she was younger
After an  hour in bed with her he said "How far
across the  field were you  before you realised it was caught?"

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: 1 PICTURE = 1000 WORDS
  Makes you think!
IRAN 1970
 Click here
IRAN 2012
 Click here
AFGHANISTAN
 Click here
EGYPT (Cairo University)  1959
 Click here
EGYPT (Cairo University)  2012
 Click here
NETHERLANDS (Amsterdam)  1980
 Click here
NETHERLANDS (Amsterdam)  2012
 Click here
... and some people still do not see a reason  to worry ?!?!?

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Seasoldier
Subject: World's Scariest License Plate Number
 Click here
One could try to pass her, but I certainly wouldn't honk the horn!
   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Wally
Subject: B-36 Flight Deck
 Click here
Click on the link below and move your mouse around for a
panoramic shot of the c*ckpit.  Use the scroll wheel to zoom in and out.
This is a 360 panorama of the flight engineers station on a B-36:
 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Wally
Subject: Ouch
 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Wally
Subject: Practice makes Perfect
 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: anonymous
Subject: perfectly timed photos
 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Quote of the Week:

All water has a perfect memory and is forever trying to get back to where
it was.

- Toni Morrison.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (June 14, 2013)  Index Next (June 28, 2013)