Friday humour - June 14, 2013

[ from Steve @ Bluehaze ]

I had to deal with Telstra "Customer Service" again this week. It was truly
horrible and degrading. I feel sorry for the younger generation who thinks
the current level of carelessness and ineptitude is as good as it gets.
Some of us are old enough to remember when Telstra actually had customer
service. Yes I am THAT old!

This week's collection arrives by way of Burnout, Cartographer Chris, Diks,
Duke of Barsinov, Nottingham Smithie, Seasoldier, Wally,
Whizbang and the various ever present unnamed ones.

Enjoy!

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The QSO at Southbank, Brisbane.
 Click here

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Check this guy out ...
 Click here


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The first one - The XK
 Click here

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The LandFillharmonic Orchestra. Amazing! We just don't know how lucky we
are!
 Click here

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Quite amazing what the human imagination can come up with.
 Click here

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Saying Goodbye.

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve Party. We turned
on a night light, turned the answering machine on,
covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and
we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scooted back
into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always
tries to eat the bird.

My wife went on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.
The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house
would be empty for the night, so she explained to the taxi driver that I
would be out soon, saying 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my
mother.'

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as
we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke
her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off,
so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep
her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and
threw her out into the back yard! She'd better not sh*t in the vegetable
garden again!'

The silence in the cab was deafening.

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Be strong.

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a
house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl
to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes
into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an
escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in
jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If
he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very
dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering
in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute,
and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be
strong honey. I love you too!!"

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Hey, is it just me?
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I Could Use A Little Help Over Here!!
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I wanna go Fishin' ...
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Magic Goggles [XXX]
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US Air Force Humour, Stealth Fighter retired.
 Click here
A picture from the "bone yard" at Davis Monthan AFB, AZ.

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Texas Titty Bar.
 Click here
So what did you expect?

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FYI!
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Duke of Wellington
 Click here
Some things don't change!

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The woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you have Viagra?"

"Yes," he answered.

She asked, "Does it work?"

"Yes," he answered.

She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"

"I can, if I take two," he replied.

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Dedication and Focus!
 Click here
It was later reported that his wife got out safely, and that he did indeed
par the hole ... He says the divorce isn't going to be that bad, now that
there's no house involved!

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Radiologists
 Click here

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Hero who makes Biggles look like a wimp
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He's flown more planes than anyone else in history - and took 2,000 Nazis
prisoner single-handed. And now, at 94, he's telling his breathtaking
story.

Eric Brown (pictured at home in Copthorne, Suss*x) has flown more aircraft
than anyone else in history, and was the first man to fly a jet on and off
an aircraft carrier

Eric Brown must rank as the most extraordinary airman alive. Indeed, open
his memoirs at any page and you are left asking a single question: how on
earth did this modest Scotsman live to tell the tale?

But Captain Eric 'Winkle' Brown RN is very much alive and in sparkling form
as he pours me a glass of sherry at his West Suss*x home and reflects on an
astonishing life.

He has set aviation records that will almost certainly never be broken and
is revered as one of the greatest test pilots of all time.

But even if you take out the aerobatics, his story is remarkable. Here is a
man who narrowly cheated death in the wreckage of a torpedoed ship, helped
to liberate Belsen and took 2,000 enemy prisoners armed only with a pistol.

In the immediate aftermath of the war, Eric had to interrogate a
bewildering cross-section of leading Nazis, including Hermann
Goering, as well as plane manufacturer Enrst Heinkel and designer Willie
Messerchmitt.

What's more, he then had to test all their aircraft. And all this before
turning 30. Little wonder that when he arrived at
Buckingham Palace at the grand old age of 28 for the fourth time, to
receive the AFC in addition to the DSC, MBE and OBE he had already
received, George VI greeted him with the words: 'Not you again.'

In fact, young Brown would soon be back once more to receive the King's
Commendation for Brave Conduct.

Years later, he would end up as an aide-de-camp to the Queen, who would add
a CBE to his collection in 1970.

Pin-sharp at 94, Eric is in constant demand from historians and doc*mentary
makers, while his autobiography, Wings On My Sleeve, is a must-read for any
self-respecting aviator.

Now he is about to tell all as one of the star speakers at next month's
Daily Mail-sponsored Chalke Valley History Festival.

What's more, his appearance on the last weekend in June will coincide with
the Chalke Valley History Festival Airshow - one of this summer's most
spectacular, featuring replica dogfights from both World Wars. It will
certainly bring back memories for Eric, whose flying career was shaped by
these conflicts.

When Brown arrived at Buckingham Palace at the age of 28 for the fourth
time, to receive the AFC in addition to the DSC, MBE and OBE he had already
received, George VI greeted him with the words: 'Not you again'

Eric's father had served in the Royal Flying Corps during the Great War
and, along with all former RFC pilots, received an invitation from the
newly formed German Luftwaffe to visit the 1936 Olympics.

A promising scholar at Edinburgh's Royal High School, Eric had recently
lost his mother, so his father decided to take the boy to
Germany to see the Games.

Among those hosting the RFC delegation was the charismatic Great War ace
Ernst Udet, who had become a famous stunt pilot. He took up
Eric for a spin - 'Terrifying stuff' - and the teenager was hooked.

'When we landed, Udet gave me the old fighter pilot's greeting - "Hals und
Beinbruch!" [Break your neck and leg] - and told me to learn to fly.'

Eric went on to Edinburgh University, where he studied German and joined
the university's air squadron. During a student trip to
Germany, he wrote to Udet, by then a senior Luftwaffe general, who invited
Eric into his social circle. The wide-eyed student was introduced to some
of the leading lights of the Luftwaffe - including their formidable test
pilot and world gliding champion Hanna
Reitsch - having no inkling that, within a couple of years, they would be
his sworn enemy.

'Udet was like a schoolboy who regarded the whole world as a friend,' says
Eric. 'He had these riotous evenings at his flat in
Berlin. One of his party tricks was a shooting game where you had to fire a
pistol at a target behind you, using a mirror. It made a mess of the wall,
but he was very good at it.

'I often wondered what the neighbours thought - but I suppose you didn't
complain if your neighbour was a Nazi general.'

In 1939, having recently arrived in Germany on a teaching exchange, Eric
received a knock on the door one morning. 'Our countries are at war,' said
an SS officer, before taking away Eric for interrogation.

Fearing the worst, he was pleasantly surprised to be dumped at the Swiss
border, from where he made his way home as fast as possible to sign up with
the RAF.

Like all young pilots, Eric was itching to get airborne and was frustrated
by the lack of RAF planes and postings. But there were plenty of vacancies
for pilots in the Royal Navy following the loss of the aircraft carrier,
HMS Courageous, with more than 500 men,
in the opening weeks of the war.

So Eric transferred to the Fleet Air Arm - where he was nicknamed 'Winkle'
- and retrained as a naval pilot. Before long he was on
HMS Audacity, an aircraft carrier escorting vital convoys between Britain
and Gibraltar.

His bravery in his Martlet fighter soon earned him the Distinguished
Service Cross.

Then, in December 1941, his ship was torpedoed and sank 450 miles off Cape
Finisterre. He was one of the few survivors after floating in the water for
several hours.

'I couldn't walk for a week, but I was lucky,' he said. 'As pilots, we had
proper lifejackets.'

Back home, his exceptional flying skills had been spotted and he was
transferred to special duties as a test pilot. Among his tasks was working
out ways of flying Spitfires, Hurricanes and Mosquitoes on and off ships,
vastly improving the clout of the Fleet Air
Arm.

By 1944, Eric had moved to the top secret Aerodynamics Flight based at
Farnborough and when he wasn't testing the boffins' latest theories, he was
also charged with training a gung-ho band of Canadian Spitfire pilots with
whom he saw regular action over France.

Winston Churchill needed a solution to the Nazis' unmanned V1 rocket bombs,
which were terrifying the civilian population. One of the first had reduced
Eric's home, near Aldershot, to rubble. 'My wife was injured, our cleaning
lady lost an eye and the dogs disappeared, so my interest was personal,' he
says. Eric helped develop a booster system that could get a fighter
alongside a V1 for a short spurt and tip it off-course without colliding.

'You couldn't blow it up because you'd fly straight into the debris - but
there was a way of nudging its wings using air pressure and not actually
touching.'

It led to Eric's first - and last - bail-out. 'One day, the engine caught
fire and my feet were starting to fry, so it was time to go over the side,'
he says, matter-of-factly. 'I landed in a pond in a field with this very
angry bull in it. Every time I tried to get out of the water, it came at me
- and the ambulance and the Home Guard wouldn't go near it. I shouted at
them to get the farmer.
I remember him leading it away, saying: "Come on, Ferdinand."'

As the Allies progressed through Italy and France, Eric became commanding
officer of a very exotic unit - Farnborough's Enemy
Aircraft Flight. His task was to capture and evaluate as much Nazi hardware
as he could find.

Dozens of German pilots had been killed developing the thing, but Eric
still chuckles as he recalls his maiden flight: 'I soon worked out that the
only way to land it without exploding was to run out of fuel first, so you
had to get your timings right.'

As commanding officer of Farnborough's Enemy Aircraft Flight, Eric had to
capture Nazi hardware. One of the most unappealing was a
Messerschmitt 163 - a rocket plane that ran on liquid explosive (pictured).

In 1945, landing at a newly captured airstrip in Germany, he met Allied
troops investigating rumours of a concentration camp at
Belsen.

Realising that Eric had better German than his interpreter, the brigadier
in charge asked him along to assist with translation.

Eric has never forgotten the sights he encountered nor the remorselessness
of the female commandant he interrogated, Irma Grese.
'She was the worst human being I ever encountered,' he says. She was hanged
a few days later.

Soon afterwards, Eric flew in to another air base in Denmark, only to
discover the Allies had yet to capture it.

'I was in this little Avro Anson and there were still 2,000 enemy troops
there,' he says.

'I thought we were for it as we landed, but the commanding officer came up
to me, handed me his sword and surrendered on the spot.'

Given his excellent knowledge of German and aeroplanes, Eric interrogated
all the enemy top brass. He did not warm to Willie
Messerschmitt. 'We had a bit of a to-do,' says Eric, with mischievous
understatement.

'I accused him of compromising the integrity of his planes because the
wings on some had started falling off. He bridled at that!'

Dr Ernst Heinkel was a 'funny little man'. Eric's erstwhile mentor, Udet,
had committed suicide in 1941, but one day Winkle found himself in an
interview room with Hanna Reitsch, still an unrepentant Hitler worshipper.

'She was emotional because she had just heard that her father had shot all
the women in the family and then himself to spare them from the Russians.
So she told me quite a lot.'

He even interviewed Hermann Goering. 'His uniform was falling off him, but
he perked up when I told him he was going to be interviewed by a pilot. He
answered all my questions.

'The first thing I asked was his opinion on the outcome of the Battle of
Britain and he said: "A draw." He said they had not been defeated, but that
Hitler had ordered the withdrawal of fighter units to concentrate on
Russia.'

After the war, Eric worked with Sir Frank Whittle, the inventor of the jet
engine, clocking up numerous life-threatening 'firsts' in the field of jet
aviation.

Among his unappetising tasks was discovering why certain aircraft would
crash at certain speeds, and why planes had a habit of disappearing in
storms.

Among his many records is one for the most aircraft carrier landings in
history: 2,407. A U.S. naval pilot who tried to beat him got as far as
1,600 before suffering a nervous breakdown.

It is also highly unlikely that anyone will surpass Eric's world record for
flying 487 different types of aeroplane.

A proud grandfather and great-grandfather, he is typical of his generation
in insisting that he was 'only doing the job'.

But Eric Brown did not merely witness history: he made it, too. And it is a
great story.

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Will the US Dollar Fall?
 Click here

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Wedding invitation
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12 X Photos
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National Geographic
 Click here

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Tina & Chandi
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25 X Drunk at the Wheel
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Chinese Wal-Mart
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Spiderman Stops for a Look
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2 Photos
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All men are the same ...
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Nude Swimming at the Olympics?! [XXX]
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21 X Airplane Crashes
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5 X Photos
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Obscene Dinnerwear
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20 X Photos
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15 X Bad S*x Stories
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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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