Friday humour - May 31, 2013

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine
restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress,
taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man
slowly sliding down his chair and under the table but the woman stared
straight ahead. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his
chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman stared straight
ahead. The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and that it might
offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying
to the woman "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under
the table. "The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He
just walked in the door.

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

*Our Phones ~ Wireless
*Cooking ~ Fireless
*Cars ~ Keyless
*Food ~ Fatless
*Tires ~ Tubeless
*Dress ~ Sleeveless
*Youth ~ Jobless
*Leaders ~ Shameless
*Relationships ~ Meaningless
*Attitude ~ Careless
*Wives ~ Fearless
*Babies ~ Fatherless
*Feelings ~ Heartless
*Education ~ Valueless
*Children ~ Mannerless

Everything is becoming LESS but still our hopes are ~ Endless.
In fact we are ~ Speechless
And Congress is --CLUELESS !!

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A Well-Planned Retirement
Outside England's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8
buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant
attendant.....The fees for cars ($1.40),for buses (about $7). Then, one
day,
after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work,he just didn't show up;
so the zoo management called the city council and asked it to send them
another parking agent. The council did some research and replied that the
parking lot was the zoo's own responsibility. The zoo advised the council
that the attendant was a city employee.The city council responded that the
lot attendant had never been on the city payroll. Meanwhile, sitting in his
villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, or France, or Italy, is a man who'd
apparently had a ticket booth installed completely on his own and then had
simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the
parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day -- for 25 years. Assuming 7
days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars ......and no one
even knows his name.

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Rationale For High Capacity Magazines

A man walked into his crowded local bar in Idaho Falls and waved a revolver
around and yelled:  "Who in here has been sleeping with my wife?"
A voice from the back of the bar yelled back "You're gonna need more ammo!"

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Burnout
My new Car
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Burnout

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of
passion.
The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the
finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her
scream, non stop for five minutes."

The Frenchman said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac
oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for
fifteen minutes straight."

The Aussie said:
That's nothing!  Last night I massaged my wife ,y'know, all over her body
with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then
made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? ......wow!
that's phenomenal. How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"
The Aussie replied ,"I wiped my hands on the curtains."

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Burnout
Colour footage from London in 1927...
 Click here

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Digi Steve
Subject: Melbourne 1910
 Click here

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: KRP
Remarkable Photo
AV-8B Harrier IIs, Afghanistan;
 Click here

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: KRP
Star Wars Aussie Style
 Click here

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Nottingham Smithie

After shagging Kylie Minogue yesterday I think there are 2 things you all
need to know. She really is as s*xy as hell, secondly the staff at Madam
Tussauds are miserable bastards with no sense of humour!!

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through
her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maid's outfit,
and a police womans uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a
job,
she's not for him.

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day apparently, 'A
meal for two with a terrible view' isn't the best way to announce number 69
. .
.!

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy He nears the top of the ladder
and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says "I
tink
I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."
Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"
Paddy replies "No, I only live round d'corner."

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that
the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Nottingham Smithie
The Legend.

I was shopping at Bunnings when I bumped into the legend Rolf Harris.
I was so excited I said to him, "I remember you doing two little boys in
1970".
He said .... "f....k off" .... that was Jimmy Saville.

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Sack
Spanish national pastime
One way to have fun, I suppose !!!
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Sack

There once was this white fella who was feeling lonely because his
wife-to-be, Wanda, was on vacation.
He wanted to do something for her that would both impress her as well as
proclaim his undying ever-enduring love for her.
After much contemplation he thought what better way than to have her name,
"Wanda," actually tattooed onto his body.
Further consideration of his idea resulted in his deciding to have her name
tattooed right onto his penis.
So he went to a tattoo parlor and had it done immediately.
Well, because of the nature of the terrain, the tattoo usually said, "WA."
But he knew she would be surprised and delighted to see her whole name on
his penis once it became erect.
He could hardly wait for her return.
The scabs wore off just in time too, as she was due home from her vacation.
He went to meet her at the airport, beaming to himself as he imagined her
pleasure at discovering his surprise.
He could hardly even contain himself.
While he was waiting for her plane, he went into the washroom to have a
pee.
He marched right up the urinal next to a tall black fella who was just
shaking it off.
The white fella looks down and says, "Hey wow!!! You've got a "WA" on your
penis too! What a coincidence!"
The black fella looks at him.
"I just had mine done - it really says `Wanda,'" beamed the white fella,
"What does yours say?"
The black fella looks down at him, gives a big wide smile and says,
"Well mine says, `WELCOME TO BEAUTIFUL JAMAICA'" ....
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Whizzbang
Irish Fire Fighter...

Paddy was walking along the street during his once-in-a-lifetime visit to
New York when he rounds a corner and there's a high rise building on fire.
Paddy, ever the kind-hearted and resourceful Irishman, runs up to the
building to see if he can help and notices people trapped five stories up.
Paddy yells to the people, "I'm Patrick Sean Michael Fitzpatrick, an Irish
Fire Fighter on holiday.  I'm also a Rugby Union fullback! If you jump,
I'll catch you!"
One lady, in desperation, jumps and sure enough Paddy catches her.
Then a man sees that Paddy catches the woman and jumps.  Sure enough, Paddy
catches him as well.
Then a black guy jumps out and crashes to the sidewalk.  Paddy didn't even
attempt to catch him.
Paddy looks up and yells, "Don't be throwin' the burnt ones...!!!!"

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Whizzbang

Well, this one should lift your mood. Speakers ON!!!
This is amazing - follow the story - so clever, enjoy.
 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Elvis plays pinball
 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Diks
Beer Ad ------LMAO!
 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Craftsmen of The Decade
 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Brilliant 3D Pics On Vending Machines
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Mad Mick from Marwick
An old dog....
 Click here

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Mitta
MEN WHO LACK FEMALE SUPERVISION!!!
  Click here
  Click here
  Click here
  Click here
  Click here
  Click here
  Click here
Can't actually see what the 'problem' is.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Cartographer Chris
Halogen
Another classic!
 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Cartographer Chris
Misheard Lyrics Peter Kaye
Very funny!   Watch to the end!
 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Digi Steve
I know just how Julia feels ...
 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Nottingham Smithie
Low bridge !
This is why you pay attention to the flashing yellow lights !,World's
Toughest Bridge. Near Durham, N.C. I was wondering if it were possible that
some of these drivers were used to the metric system, i.e immigrants, and
had no idea how high 11'8" is, but on the other hand there are warning
yellow flashing lights, so perhaps they are just driving dumbsters.
 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Sack
Wimpy Dads

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.
The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes,
he hides underneath the bed."
The second kid replies, "Yeah? Well, that's nothing.
My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the night shift,
he sleeps with the woman next door."

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

For those who haven't heard, Washington State just passed two new laws -
gay marriage and legalised marijuana. The fact that gay marriage and
marijuana were legalised on the same day makes perfect biblical sense
because
Leviticus 20:13 says "If a man lies with another man they should be
stoned."
We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!"

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Seasoldier
Voice Activated Elevator in Scotland
 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Whizzbang
Dubai, they forgot one little item.......Sound On.....

GEEZ!!! Unbelievable!!! Do watch how the "filthy-rich" Arabs live in
beautiful Dubai .

The modern Arab  world!! You have seen those architectural wonders of
Dubai.
However, none are  hooked up to a sewer system!

The two minute  video below passes a line of poop trucks and never gets to
the end of the line. What were these  people thinking?
An unbelievable  amount of sewage is generated by the new high-rises and
there is no place to dispose of it. Camel sense seems  about right!
Dubai doesn't have  a sewage system for all those big new buildings so they
haul it all away in tank trucks.
Look at the number  of tank trucks that are waiting to dump their  load.
This is  amazing. They wait for days  to dump their load.
You would have  thought that by building all those huge skyscr*pers they
would have enough sense to put in a sufficient sewage  system to haul away
all that cr*p.
You would imagine  that those building that look amazingly beautiful were
built on a well-planned system of utilities. But, that's NOT TRUE!!
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Dutch Blooms
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

May these pictures of Dutch blooms brighten your day!
First Day of SPRING Like You've Never Seen it Before
Keukenhof, Known as the Garden of Europe, Is the one of the best places to
view the abundance of spring flowers in the South Holland region of the
Netherlands.

Amsterdam's flower market, The Bloemenmarkt Reflects the country's passion
for cut flowers and plants.
Around seven million bulbs are planted each year in the park at Keukenhof,
in an area of 32 hectares.

The Bloemenmarkt - set on the capital's Singel canal and said to be the
world's only floating
Flower market - has a score of stalls where you can buy all sorts of
plants,
flowers, bulbs and seeds.The mild climate of Holland, with its wet springs
makes it an ideal place for bulb cultivation.

Tulips originated in the east and were brought to Holland from the Ottoman
Empire in the mid 1500s.

In springtime, the lowland area by the North Sea is carpeted with fields of
gladioli, hyacinths,
Lilies, daffodils, crocuses... And, of course, tulips.

Keukenhof - literally 'kitchen garden' - is part of the hunting grounds of
the ancient Teylingen estate.

This year, the theme for the Keukenhof exhibition is Germany: Land of Poets
and Philosophers.

The patchwork quilt of colours in the Keukenhof park, just outside Lisse in
South Holland,
is a veritable feast for the eyes.

The bulbs of Keukenhof are re-planted each year according to the current
trends and in collaboration with a number of gardening magazines.

Spring in Keukenhof is one of the main tourist attractions of the
Netherlands.

The best way to appreciate the full glory of the Dutch spring is to hire a
bike and cycle one of the tourist routes among the bulb fields.

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

New invention
 Click here
Sent from The United States Of America

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Arfermo
Todays Chuckle
 Click here

This really funny. Sadly, slackness in the undercarriage and everywhere
else becomes glaringly obvious as one gets older. Not a pretty sight at any
time though. Enjoy.

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Duke of Barsinov
ATM Theft... Don't blink ...
 Click here

Watch the guy in the green shirt and the two guys working together to steel
green shirts money.
ATM Theft...Don't blink .....

This is worthy of a Public Service Announcement.
You may have to Watch a few times to see how they pull this off.
What a sweet and smooth operation. Perfect timing essential.
Don't blink - or you will miss it. Swift ATM theft! See how fast the crooks
work.

The victim did not even realise that the ATM had already dispensed the cash
(which the accomplice had taken & walked away with).

He was still waiting for his cash to be dispensed from the ATM !!
This can happen anywhere !
Don't let others distract you !

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Duke of Barsinov
Rare Look Inside Nuclear Submarine
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Duke of Barsinov
JUDGE JUDY
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Nottingham Smithie
old drivers
 Click here
 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Nottingham Smithie
Last Attempt..
 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Sack
Hoody-Sweatshirt
 Click here
Now you know  how to have a snack while using the computor
I've always wondered what good a hooded sweat shirt does for you indoors.
For all those who spend time sitting at the computer!

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Sack
Well, it's finally happened
 Click here
... Just as Abbott and Costello predicted!

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Sack
Gordon on food
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Sack
New pill
 Click here
Since his indiscretions have come to light,Several of Tiger Woods' sponsors
have dropped him. However, Pfizer has decided to sponsor him.They are
making a new drug called "Tiagra". "It's good for 18 holes".

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Sack
Nice quiet beach
 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Sack
Aplomb
 Click here
My friends... you know how much I appreciate the English language and all
its nuances. Please let me share with you an example of how it can bring
even the most obscure word, such as "aplomb", down to earth. His Lordship
was in the study at Downton Abbey when the butler approached and coughed
discreetly. "May I ask you a question My Lord?"
"Go ahead, Carson, " said his Lordship.
"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too
clear on."
"What word is that?" said his Lordship.
"'Aplomb', My Lord.''
"Now, that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance,
or complete composure."
"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused."
"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember, a few
months ago, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend
with us?"
" I remember the occasion very well , My Lord. It gave the staff and myself
much pleasure to look after them."
" Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, " do you remember Will plucked a
rose for Kate in the rose garden? "
"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs"
"While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb, very
deeply."
Carson replied, "I witnessed the incident My Lord and saw the Duchess
herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty
handkerchief."
 "That evening, the pr*ck on his thumb was so sore, Kate had to cut up his
venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender."
"Yes My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."
"The next morning, while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate
enquired of Will with a loud voice," "Darling, does your pr*ck still
throb?"
"You, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee!  That is aplomb!"

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Seasoldier
Mixed Emotions
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Wally
Two Pebbles
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Wally
18 X Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Wally
Headless
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Wally
Ten Pound Note
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Wally
North Korea Threatens to Destroy Australia
 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Wally
6 X Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Wally
No Words Needed
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Wally
12 X Plane Funnies
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Whizzbang
Can you remember your first really difficult decision
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Photos originales
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (May 24, 2013)  Index Next (June 07, 2013)