Friday humour - May 24, 2013

From Burnout @ bluehaze:

From: Anonymous3
Subject: The Old Barn

This is beautiful.

To those of us who were reared in the country---and to those of you who
were not----Hope you enjoy this great FW
The  Old Barn
Just thinking about some of my friends and relatives and was blessed to
receive this Old Barn story accompanied by the hymn
"The Old Rugged Cross"
 Click here

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: A Classic 60's TV Show Dance Party
 Click here
That Girl, Patty Duke, Batman and more!

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From: Burnout

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of
passion.

The Italian said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra
virgin

olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop for
five minutes."

The Frenchman said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac
oil from Provence

and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes
straight."

The Aussie said:
That's nothing!  Last night I massaged my wife ,y'know, all over her body
with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then
made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? ......wow!
that's phenomenal. How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"

The Aussie replied ,
"I wiped my hands on the curtains."

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From: Burnout
Colour footage from London in 1927...
 Click here

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From: Digi Steve
Subject: Melbourne 1910
 Click here

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From: KRP
Subject: Remarkable Photo
AV-8B Harrier IIs, Afghanistan;
 Click here

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From: KRP
Subject: Star Wars Aussie Style
 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: funny

After shagging Kylie Minogue yesterday I think there are 2 things you all
need to know. She really is as s*xy as hell, secondly the staff at Madam
Tussauds are miserable bastards with no sense of humour!!

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through
her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maid's outfit,
and a police womans uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a
job,
she's not for him.

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day apparently, 'A
meal for two with a terrible view' isn't the best way to announce number 69
. . .
!

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy He nears the top of the ladder
and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says "I
tink
I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."
Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"
Paddy replies "No, I only live round d'corner."

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that
the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: The Legend.

I was shopping at Bunnings when I bumped into the legend Rolf Harris.
I was so excited I said to him, "I remember you doing two little boys in
1970".
He said .... "f....k off" .... that was Jimmy Saville.

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From: Sack
Subject: Spanish national pastime

One way to have fun, I suppose !!!
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: WA
Content:
There once was this white fella who was feeling lonely because his
wife-to-be, Wanda, was on vacation.
He wanted to do something for her that would both impress her as well as
proclaim his undying ever-enduring love for her.
After much contemplation he thought what better way than to have her name,
"Wanda," actually tattooed onto his body.
Further consideration of his idea resulted in his deciding to have her name
tattooed right onto his penis.
So he went to a tattoo parlor and had it done immediately.
Well, because of the nature of the terrain, the tattoo usually said, "WA."
But he knew she would be surprised and delighted to see her whole name on
his penis once it became erect.
He could hardly wait for her return.
The scabs wore off just in time too, as she was due home from her vacation.
He went to meet her at the airport, beaming to himself as he imagined her
pleasure at discovering his surprise.
He could hardly even contain himself.
While he was waiting for her plane, he went into the washroom to have a
pee.
He marched right up the urinal next to a tall black fella who was just
shaking it off.
The white fella looks down and says, "Hey wow!!! You've got a "WA" on your
penis too! What a coincidence!"
The black fella looks at him.
"I just had mine done - it really says `Wanda,'" beamed the white fella,
"What does yours say?"
The black fella looks down at him, gives a big wide smile and says,
"Well mine says, `WELCOME TO BEAUTIFUL JAMAICA'" ....

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From: Sack
Subject: Attila The Stockbroker : 'The Bible According To Rupert Murdoch' -
YouTube
 Click here

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From: The Great Gussius
Subject: Better than Bowie.
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  Irish Fire Fighter...

Paddy was walking along the street during his once-in-a-lifetime
visit to New York when he rounds a corner and there's a high rise building
on fire.

Paddy, ever the kind-hearted and resourceful Irishman, runs up to
the building to see if he can help and notices people trapped five stories
up.

Paddy yells to the people, "I'm Patrick Sean Michael Fitzpatrick, an
Irish Fire Fighter on holiday.  I'm also a Rugby Union fullback! If you
jump, I'll catch you!"

One lady, in desperation, jumps and sure enough Paddy catches her.

Then a man sees that Paddy catches the woman and jumps.  Sure
enough, Paddy catches him as well.

Then a black guy jumps out and crashes to the sidewalk.  Paddy
didn't even attempt to catch him.

Paddy looks up and yells, "Don't be throwin' the burnt ones...!!!!"

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Ombres !

Well, this one should lift your mood. Speakers ON!!!

This is amazing – follow the story – so clever, enjoy.
 Click here

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Random Facts

It was once against the law to slam your car door in a city in Switzerland!
There wasn't a single pony in the Pony Express, just horses!

Honeybees have a type of hair on their eyes!

The average American/Canadian drinks about 600 sodas a year!
During your lifetime, you'll eat about 60,000 pounds of food, that's the
weight of about 6 elephants!

Some ribbon worms will eat themselves if they cant find any food!

Dolphins sleep with one eye open!

The worlds oldest piece of chewing gum is over 9000 years old!

There are more plastic flamingos in the U.S, than real ones!

About 3000 years ago, most Egyptians died by the time they were 30!

More people use blue toothbrushes, than red ones!

A sneeze travels out your mouth at over 100 m.p.h.!

Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, every time you breathe!

In the White House, there are 13,092 knives, forks and spoons!

Slugs have 4 noses!

Recycling one glass jar, saves enough energy to watch T.V for 3 hours!

Lightning strikes about 6,000 times per minute on this planet!

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Elvis plays pinball
 Click here

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From: Diks
Subject: Beer Ad ------LMAO!
 Click here

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Craftsmen of The Decade
 Click here

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Brilliant 3D Pics On Vending Machines
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Mad Mick from Marwick
  Subject: An old dog....
 Click here Click here

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From: Mitta
Subject: MEN WHO LACK FEMALE SUPERVISION!!!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Can't actually see what the 'problem' is.

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: The 'Y' Chromosome

People born before 1946 are called -
The Greatest Generation.

People born between 1946 and 1964 are called -
The Baby Boomers.

People born between 1965 and 1979 are called -
Generation X.

And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called -Generation Y.
Why do we call the last group -Generation Y ?
Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?

But perhaps a cartoonist explained it most eloquently below...
"Just thought you might want to know Y"

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: prayer
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: Reporterfotos
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: having a bad day? Maybe not.....
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: Rupert says...
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject:   Six (6) Basic Rules For Good Health !!!

1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, every day is
even better.

2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind & body.

3. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After F***ing don't eat too much ... Go for more liquids.

5. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level !!!

SO ... REMEMBER ...

6. FISHING is good for your health and soul ...

And may the Good Lord cleanse your Filthy Mind !!!

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From: Wally
Subject: 4 X Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: Learjet Art

To celebrate the 50th birthday of plane maker Learjet, they commissioned
some very unusual abstract art.
Working from the tarmac of the airport in West Palm Beach, artist Tarinan
von Anhalt threw paint at a canvas,
while a Learjet engine ran behind her, spreading the paint to create the
finished work.
 Click here Click here Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: Men
 Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: Let's Eat
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From: Wally
Subject: Older Funnies
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: Things You Don't See Very Often
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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From: Wally
Subject: NASA
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Walmartians at the beach
There is almost nothing compact about these discs. Perhaps she was dying
for a swim but didn't have the cash to buy a cossie?
 Click here

2) The future is anything but bright for this straining orange one-piece.
Yikes.
 Click here

3) This man is clearly exceeding the Speedo limit. Shame his can of
Cuprinol ran out.
 Click here

4) We are guessing this tasty treat's name is Prune-ella. Like a sausage
with the stuffing taken out.
 Click here

5) This man's tattoo may be monster but his tackle would shame a small
kitten
 Click here

6) This lass looks like she's eyeing up lunch - may we suggest a roll?
 Click here

7) She wore an itsy bitsy, teeny weeny, way-too-tight-for-her bikini.
Ass-tounding.
 Click here

8) Someone should call a halter this kind of beachwear for lads. Still the
bloke on the left's got a decent pair.
 Click here

9) No matter how hard we try, we can't stop looking at this man's peachy
rear. Just wrong.
 Click here

10) Sometimes thongs are not all they're cracked up to be. Terrifying
stuff.
 Click here

11) This woman sure boobed in the changing room - she's got her costume on
back to front.
 Click here

12) Its the teddy we feel sorry for....
 Click here

13) It's no wonder this bum has tucked into a thong - it looks positively
starving. Eat something,
lady!
 Click here

14) This lad's face says it all. Who knew Land Of Leather had a sale on?
 Click here

15) Never has a pair of trunks so singularly failed to assert its identity.
Heartbreaking.
 Click here

16) There's nothing wrong with a mum tum - but shopping in Baby Gap for
swimwear was a bad decision.
 Click here

17) Bot on earth was this elderly gent thinking? Leave the thongs to the
ladies next time, son
 Click here

18) Tiny bikini briefs on a fella? Man that look's sarong!
 Click here

19) This hot mess should be arrested for accessory to murder.
 Click here

20) Nothing about the man on the right's face or body makes sense. There's
thumbthing very wrong with this photo.
 Click here

21) Krusty the Clown enjoys a beach stroll as much as the next man. If the
next man is wearing a fuchsia bikini and full make-up.
 Click here

22) This lad's having a whale of a time. Somebody call Greenpeace...
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  Is this yours?...
 Click here Click here

Paddy says to Mick "I found this pen, is it yours?"
Mick replies "Don't know, give it here." He then tries it and says, "Yes it
is"
Paddy asks "How do you know?"
Mick replies, "That's my handwriting"
I could not help myself...

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Quote of the Week:

  Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
- Mark Twain

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[ End friday humour ]

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