Friday humour - May 17, 2013

[ from Steve @ Bluehaze ]

So why is Australia such a business backwater? A couple of weeks ago I
needed a component urgently from China. It was dispatched by a very well
known international courier firm. It took 16 hours to travel the 7,500km as
the crow flies from the customer's premises in Macau through Chinese
customs to Australian Customs at Melbourne. An average speed of 469km/h. It
then took 12 hours to travel 50 meters from one end of Australian Customs
to the other. 12 HOURS! That's an average speed of 0.0042km/h. It then took
23 hours to travel the 50km from Australian Customs to my premises at an
average speed of just over 2km/h. 23 HOURS!!! I don't think the NBN is
going to solve our problems, even a little bit.

This weeks substantial offering set comes courtesy of Allnutts, Anatinus,
Burnout, Cartographer Chris, Diks, Duke of Barsinov, KRP,
Sack, The Great Gussius, Wally, Whizzbang and some anonymice (see
 Click here

Enjoy!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Brand new Evian commercial - 1:16 minutes
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Ernie's Dwarf Car Museum
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Wired Space Photo of the Day
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Bottle of Merlot.

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive
woman sitting alone at a table in a cosy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the
gentleman who is seated over there..' and indicated the sender with a nod
of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man,
then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her
and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes
in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in
return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to
deliver it to the lady.
It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be,
I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600,
and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen
and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas . There is over twenty million
dollars in my bank account and portfolio.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off two inches.
Just send the wine back!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Gillard was asleep in her house and awoke to see Menzies' ghost. She asked,
"Bob, how can I make this country better?" Sir Robert said, "Love the
Japanese steel producers like I did."

Gillard went back to sleep, this time she woke to an image of John Howard
at the end of her bed. She asked, "John, how can I make this country
better?" Howard said, "Be honest with the people like I was."

Again Gillard fell asleep and awoke this time to see Harold Holt and asked,
"Harold, how can I make this country better?" Harold replied, "Go for a
swim like I did!!"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Indy pace cars ... all of 'em.
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Maintenance Monkeys ...

A tourist walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on
display.

While he was there, a Chief Master Sergeant (CMSGT) from the local Air
Force base walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a maintenance
monkey, please."

The man nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store, and took out a
monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to the CMSGT,
saying, "That'll be $5,000."

The CMSGT paid and left with the monkey.

Surprised, the tourist went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very
expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that
one cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that was a maintenance monkey. He can rig
aircraft flight controls, score 95 on USAF Career
Development Course tests, and perform the duties of any maintenance officer
with no back talk or complaints. It's well worth the money."

The tourist spotted a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more
expensive, $10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh, that one is a 'Maintenance Supervisor' monkey! It can instruct at all
levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance at the unit,
intermediate, and Depot level, and even do most of the paperwork. A very
useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a
cage. The price tag read,$100,000. The shocked tourist exclaimed, "That one
costs more than all the others put together! What in the world could it
do?"

"Well, I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer and play
with his pecker, but his papers say he's a pilot."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

What Bubba Did At The Weekend
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Coffee and testicles.

A guy goes into Australia Post to apply for a job. The interviewer asks
him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's
service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay.
Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you
right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every
day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00
PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours,
we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in
you coming in for that."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Confucius Says Things About S*x  Confucius Say: It's OK to let a fool kiss
you; but don't let a kiss fool you.
 Confucius Say: A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs
merchandise.
 Confucius Say: It is better to lose a lover than love a loser.
 Confucius Say: Man with a broken condom is called a Daddy.
 Confucius Say: Man who mix Viagra and Ex-Lax doesn't know if he's coming
or going.
 Confucius Say: A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
 Confucius Say: Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it
out, and you lose interest.
 Confucius Say: Viagra is like Disneyland ... a one-hour wait for a
2-minute ride.
 Confucius Say: It is much better to want the mate you do not have than to
have the mate you do not want  Confucius Say: A joke is like s*x. Neither
is any good if you don't get it.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield. Because he said ...

My wife only has s*x with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time
an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she
won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a s*xy
negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went
over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlour. It was self-service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no s*x life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you
going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you
put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure s*x offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the
roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?'
He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not s*xy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the
Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during s*x. She called me from Chicago
last night.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had
anything to play with.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Exercise [XXX]

Hard way to make a quid. Warning ... do not try this at home. As we get
older we should continue to exercise - you first !
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

It's Hell to be Old. OLD people have problems that you haven't even
considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of
his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back
a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like
this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for
help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left,
still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with
her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen,
the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still
nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Meet the real professionals!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Butt.
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Engineers with no diplomas.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Next breakthrough in NZ Parliament...
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

At the San Francisco Marriage Counter.

"Next."

"Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license."

"Names?"

"Tim and Jim Jones."

"Jones?? Are you related?? I see a resemblance."

"Yes, we're brothers."

"Brothers?? You can't get married."

"Why not?? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"

"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"

"Incest?" No, we are not gay."

"Not gay?? Then why do you want to get married?"

"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides,
we don't have any other prospects."

"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been
denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get
married to a woman."

"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have.
But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want
to marry Jim."

"And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just
because we are not gay?"

"All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next."

"Hi. We are here to get married." Names?"

"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."

"Who wants to marry whom?"

"We all want to marry each other."

"But there are four of you!"

"That's right. You see, we're all bis*xual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane
loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and
me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express
our s*xual preferences in a marital relationship."

"But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."

"So you're discriminating against bis*xuals!"

"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's
just for couples."

"Since when are you standing on tradition?"

"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."

"Who says?? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The
more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the
constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage
license!"

"All right, all right. Next."

"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."

"In what names?"

"David Deets."

"And the other man?"

"That's all. I want to marry myself."

"Marry yourself?? What do you mean?"

"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry
the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return."

"That does it! I quit! You people are making a mockery of marriage!"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A Wedding photo.
 Click here
This is a lovely photo of 24 newly wedded couples in Markham, Ontario (near
Toronto, Canada). I just hope, for their sake, that each husband goes home
with the right tablecloth!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

25 reasons to not ride the bus or train ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Paperless life
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Bad News About Grampa
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Makes perfect sense ...
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Budget calculations?
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Saskatchewan snow mobile for sale ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
To all outdoor enthusiasts
Looking for a '57 Nash Metropolitan? This one's Saskatchewan-ized!
You'd be the talk of the town if you had this.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Antiques Roadshow.

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to Antiques Roadshow.

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the
celebrated Johns Brothers, taxidermists who operated in London at the turn
of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in
good condition?"

Paddy said "Sticks?"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Dogs!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Sneaky.
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Good Advice.
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Cartoonies.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

One way to get your pussy into orbit
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Stuff.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Taken at just the right moment.
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Flow Charts
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Who's Your Daddy?
 Click here Click here Click here
This is 15 year old Paris Jackson, daughter of Michael Jackson, with her
mother Debbie Rowe.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Sheep.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Auction Time.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Daddy Longlegs.

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of
nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

A Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question.

He replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then
lifted her foot and stomped them flat.

'Well", she said, "that may be OK in New Zealand, but we're not having any
of that sh*t in Australia."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

For sale - "Corvette Tail Lights - in Good Condition"
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (May 10, 2013)  Index Next (May 24, 2013)