Friday humour - May 10, 2013

Gussius @ Bluehaze

Some real life laughable events this week include joke explanations given
by religious leaders at the Special Commission of Inquiry into child abuse;
foot-in-mouth comments by the leader of the federal Superstition, Tony
Abbott who earnestly suggested that some women are more equal than others;
how the federal government has worked so hard moving forward that the next
budget surplus will be a good healthy negative surplus; not to mention the
spin merchants justifying cutting edge of sports medicine delivered by the
leadership within our football codes.

Times like these bring to mind historical figures with similar leadership
qualities who lacked values to guide them. And the most infamous ones were
treated as war crims. Maybe history can repeat.

Contributors this week included Allnutts, Anonymous3, Burnout, Cartographer
Chris, Digi Maria,
Diks, KRP, Mad Mick from Marwick, Nottingham Smithie, Sack, Seasoldier,
Wally, Whizzbang and the usual anonymous offerings.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Wow...definitely worth watching!!!
Unbelievable voice for a 5 year old. Not just the voice, but the
presentation, too. Her stage presence is amazing.

A 5 year old Russian girl sings the Beatles' song "Oh Darling".
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Sleepy animals:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Elephant rescue in Namibia:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: Super clever:

GET YOUR HEAD AROUND THIS. TRICK PHOTOGRAPHY OR TRICK OF THE MIND?

Ok you mathematical genii. Figure this one out.
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A great life lesson:

Heart-warming stories like this just makes one want to cry.

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very
depressed because he loved to play golf.

One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide.  He got on an
elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along,
whooping and kicking up his heels.  He looked closer and saw that this man
didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking: what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself?  I
still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms,
skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how
glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and
was going to kill himself. He  thanked him again for saving his life and
said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no
arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels
again.

He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls are itchy. "

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The  Interview:
 John Clarke / Brian Dawe script

TV: Congratulations Prime Minister Gillard. Before we start, as we stand
here on Thursday afternoon, do you accept that tomorrow will be Friday?

PM: We have always supported the standard structure of the calendar and
acknowledge that the public expect a regular system that provides the
rhythm necessary for everyday planning and life structures. We feel very
strongly about this.

TV: So you do agree that tomorrow is Friday?

PM: It isn't important whether it is Friday or Monday. What is important is
that unexpected changes don't interfere with the normal expectations of the
public - and this government has a solid record in supporting those
expectations.

TV: But as today is Thursday, surely you can confirm that tomorrow is
Friday?

PM: Everything is relative and whether the next day is Wednesday or Sunday
is dependent on where you stand at the time. We have never challenged the
current system and have the full support of the unions on this. Most
intelligent people agree that changes are not required.

TV: Well then, what day is tomorrow?

PM: Tomorrow is the next day in our plan to further develop our marvellous
country in many areas. We plan to continue providing better health care,
reduced debt, reduced unemployment, controlled immigration and to be a
world leader in controlling global warming.

TV: Returning to the question, can you not confirm that Friday is tomorrow?

PM: Friday is always around. It has been around many times before and will
be around again many more times. Which is why we need - as a responsible
government - to plan and organise for the future. Not just for tomorrow,
but for our children and their children.

TV: Prime Minister, the viewers are waiting for your answer on what day you
think tomorrow is?

PM: We are dealing with bigger issues here. The Friday, Sat*rday, Sunday
thing is not important or relevant to the scheme of things. They need to
understand the critical issues and focus on the matters of concern, such as
the condition of our nation and how we can continue to develop it so that
all may reap the benefit.

TV: I'm sorry, we seem to have lost the point here again. Are you saying
that it isn't Friday tomorrow?

PM: The reality is that it is not important what day it is. What is
important is how we handle the situation - and my government is handling it
with solid policies evolved from the mandate the people gave us.

TV: But we just want to know if you agree that it will be Friday tomorrow?

PM: Lets remain focused here. It is the nation that is important and we
stand fast and rock steady in our dedication to the job in hand. In
closing,
let me say this one more time we are fully committed to the task and have
commissioned a report that will enable us to develop the plans for the
future. Thank you.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Sounds Familiar!!!!!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Top Ten Indicators You Have Obamacare:

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE
PLAN:

   (10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

   (9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you
        enter the trailer park."

   (8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

   (7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

   (6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "an apple a
        day."

   (5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to
        Goodwill last month.

  (4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is
         not a typographical error.

  (3) The only expense covered 100% is "Embalming."

  (2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

 AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape*

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

And They Vote Too!:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Nanny Society:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

This sounds good to me:

Written by a 21 year old female........

This girl for Prime Minister!   With out doubt,

"The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a
living are outnumbered by those who vote for a  living"

This was written by a 21 yr old female who gets it.   It's her future she's
worried about and this is how she feels about the  social welfare system
that she's being forced to live in! These solutions  are just common sense
in her opinion.

Put  me in charge . . ..
Put me in charge of benefit payments. I'd get  rid of cash payments and
provide vouchers for 50kg bags of rice and  beans, blocks of cheese,
basic sanitary items  and all the powdered milk you can use.
If you want  steak,  burgers, takeaway and  junk food, then get a  job.

Put me in charge of the NHS. The first thing I'd do is to get women to have
birth control implants.
Then, we'll test  recipients  for drugs,  alcohol, and nicotine. If you
want to reproduce, use drugs, drink alcohol or smoke, then get a job.

Put me in charge of local authority housing.   Ever  live in military
barracks?
You will maintain our property in a clean and good state of repair.
Your "home" will be subject to  inspections   anytime and possessions will
be inventoried.
If you want  a  plasma TV or Xbox 360,  then get a job and your own place.

Put me in charge of   compulsory  job search. You will either search for
employment each week no matter what the job or you will report for
community work.
This may be clearing the roadways and open spaces of rubbish, painting and
repairing public housing, whatever we find  for  you.
We will sell your 22 inch rims and low profile tyres and your doff off do
off stereo and speakers and put that money toward the common good.

Before you write that I've violated  someone's rights, realise that all of
the above is voluntary.
If you want our hard earned cash and housing assistance, accept our rules..
Before you say that this would be "demeaning" and ruin someones "self
esteem," consider that it  wasn't that long ago that taking someone else's
money for doing  absolutely nothing was demeaning and lowered self esteem.

If we are expected to pay for other people's mistakes we  should at least
attempt to make them learn from their bad choices.  The current system
rewards those for continuing to make bad choices.

AND While  you are on benefit income you no longer have the right to
VOTE!
For you to vote would be a conflict of interest..... If you want to vote,
then get a job.

Now, if you  have the guts - PASS IT ON...   BRING ON THE REVOLUTION

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Jet Black on hold:

Walt Disney's new film called "Jet Black," the non-racist version of "Snow
White," has been put on hold.

All of the 7 dwarfs: Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Forger, Drive By, Pimp, and
Wog have refused to sing "Hi Ho" because it offends black prostitutes.

They also say they have no f*cking intention of singing "It's off to work
we go."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Great Flydini:

This is just brilliant and was done once on the Johnny Carson Show by the
great Steve Martin.
Good thing he taped it because it was never done again.
It is one of the best skits Martin ever did and he doesn't say a word.
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Ten Finkers:

   Ole vas vorking at da fish plant up nort vhen he accidentally cut off
all ten of his finkers.

  He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky
doctor looked at Ole and said,
  "Okie dokie, let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."

  Ole said,
  "I haven't got da finkers."

  "Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said.
  "Lordy- it's 2013 and Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible
surgery techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy
didn't you brink da finkers?"

  Ole says.........
  "How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

MORALS TEST:

READ CAREFULLY

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.
By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you
will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

THE SITUATION:

You are in  Queensland,  Cairns to be specific.
There is chaos all around you caused by a cyclone with severe flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught
in the middle of this epic disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless.   You're trying to shoot career-making
photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under
the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:

Suddenly you see a neatly dressed woman in the water.   She is fighting for
her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer.   Somehow the  woman looks familiar. You suddenly realize
who it is. It's Julia Gillard!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her
under forever.

THE OPTIONS:

You can save the life of  Julia Gillard or you can shoot a dramatic
Pulitzer Prize winning photo, doc*menting the death of one of the world's
most powerful socialist women, hell bent on the destruction of  Australia
..

THE QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer........
Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic
simplicity of black and white?

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Farmer:

A farmer in Yorkshire sees a man drinking from his stream,
so he shouts,

Ey up c*cker, tha dunt wanna be drinkin watta frum theer,
its full o hoss p*ss an cow sh*te an it could kill thee.

The man says: "Excuse me Sir,  I am a muslim from Pakistan ,
can you be speaking clearer and slower please?

The farmer replies:
" if....you.... Use.... Two ....Hands....... You....Wont.... Spill ....Any"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

AMERICAN WEST:
 Click here

To start the series, just click on the first photo....

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

PLAYBOY CALENDAR (1890):
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A stable relationship:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Life of Pie...:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Suburb Letter...:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

LARGEST POLICE BUST IN ARIZONA HISTORY:
 Click here

FOX NEWS CHANNEL TODAY REPORTED THE LARGEST POLICE BUST IN ARIZONA HISTORY.

Well, what in the hell. Were you expecting from me, something serious? * *

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

DON'T GO TO BINGO:
 Click here

The excitement of hitting a BINGO at the Senior Citizen's Centre

The closest some people ever get to a 4.0 in school is their blood alcohol
content.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Cinco De Mayo?:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Some lovely pics!!:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

I THINK THIS GUY MIGHT BE NEW ON THE JOB!!!:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Wonderful Photography:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Photos of Life:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Hockey Canada:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

IF WOMEN CONTROLLED THE  WORLD:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

All The Women We Have Loved Before - Great Nostalgia:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Why I talk to myself:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

New Truck:

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy
Bubba driving a brand new pickup.

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bubba, where'd you git that truck?"

"Tammie give it to me." Bubba replied.

"She give it to ya?

"I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened. We wuz drivin' out on
County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres. Tammie pulled off the road, put
the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the
truck, got out,threw off all her clothes and said,

'Bubba, take whatever you want.'

So I took the truck!"

"Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Positively the last argument:
 Click here

O.K. Honey!  We're here!
I said I was sorry! You can come out now.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

How Tree's are Made:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

 At last we learn how trees are made!

 Why are you laughing?

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

FIFTY SHADES OF WEEKEND EXCITEMENT:
 Click here

Wise men talk when they have something to say; fools because they have to
say something..... Plato

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Products Discovered by Accident:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

20 X Must See Places:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

20 X Banned at Schools:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

6 Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

2012 London Olympics:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here
4 X Gold Medals

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

10 X Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Modern Architecture:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

It's Raining on the Rock:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Ayres Rock in Central Australia, is barely recognisable in a series of
photographs taken during torrential rain. For local photographer Peter
Carroll, it was a 20 year wait to capture rain on the rock

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Kentucky Dirty:
 Click here

S*x Toy Races

May 2013 - Gambling in Vegas just got more exciting with the first S*x Toy
Race in the history of
Sin City; the game is coming to NYC and LA summer 2013 . Fun Factory,
German s*x toy manufacturer, invented the concept.

During the International Lingerie Salon held recently at a famous Hotel and
Casino on the Vegas strip, guests bet on s*x toy races in the VIP area of a
nightclub overlooking Las Vegas Blvd,
where Fun Factory hosted a gambling party. The game is called "Stronic S*x
Toy Race." It's played on a poker table by up to 8 people, using 4 toys
that propel themselves forward at 1/5 mile/per hour thanks to a new
technology called drive technology. Fun Factory, the maker of the
Stronic, hopes to institutionalize the game soon.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Toilets:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

It's a Fact:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Ellidaey Island - Iceland:
 Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

13 Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Creative Recycling:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (May 03, 2013)  Index Next (May 17, 2013)