Friday humour - April 26, 2013

 From Burnout @ Bluehaze:

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From: Anatinus
Subject: PC

An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has been dismissed from her job,
much to the dismay of colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her
treatment. It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating,
"I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the
train to come so I can finally meet Allah." Apparently "remain calm and
stay on the line" was not considered to be an appropriate or correct
response...

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Balance

Fantastic balance!

He knows exactly where his center is!!
 Click here

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: OPTICAL ILLUSION DANCE
Check out this video on YouTube:
 Click here
German song they play is called "Hiss-Tanz"

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From: Burnout
Subject: The sensuous wife

"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.
"No," said her husband.
She gave him a s*xy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and
pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

"Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.
"Uh, no," he said.
She gave him another s*xy little smile,seductively reached into her panties
and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," he said, now really intrigued.
"Well go look in the garage..."

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From: KRP
Subject: Life In Zero Gravity
 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: 101 Ways to Reward Employees (Without Giving Them Cash)

I thought you might find the following interesting: 101 Ways to Reward
Employees (Without Giving Them Cash) Cash has proven to be a short-term
motivator for employees. My thoughts are many of these ideas are treating
employees like children, if I was offered some of these I would be grossly
offended, and the employer would be requested to stick the idea where the
sun doesn't shine.

Read More:
 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: Why you should always let the woman speak first

Why you should always let the woman speak first
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: A gifted portrait artist

Painter by the name of Paddy Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a
gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and
soon people from all over Ireland were coming to him in the town of Doolin,
County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch
limo and asked Paddy if he would paint her in the n-de. This being the
first time anyone had made such a request, Paddy was a bit perturbed,
particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, she
was willing to pay up to $10,000.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, Paddy asked her to wait while
he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.

In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer
portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay."

"I'll paint ya in da n*de all right. But I has to at least leave me socks
on so I has a place to wipe me brushes."

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From: Sack
Subject: INDIAN BLANKET AUCTION

DON'T TRY CALLING ME TODAY BECAUSE I'M BUSY CLEANING OUT THE GARAGE &
CUPBOARDS & THEN I'LL MOVE ONTO THE NEIGHBOURS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This man lost a leg and thought he might sell an old
Indian blanket that he inherited from his family.

Watch the auction! This is a wonderful 'rags-to-riches' story! Watch the
man's face while the bidding starts to go up.
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: Holiday complaints

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY THOMAS COOK HOLIDAYS FROM
DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS :

1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local
convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or
ginger nuts."

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the
afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this
should be banned."

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost
every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to
bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the
price"

7. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to
our room."

8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure
shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

10. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very
distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax. "

12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were
scared."

13. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen,
there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as
they were all Spanish."

15. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide
book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of
many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the
Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

17. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends'
three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

18. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort'. We're trainee
hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

19. "There were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke
Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many
foreigners."

20. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no
air-conditioning."

21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly
guests before we travel."

22. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

23. "My fiancé and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we
were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want
to be re-embursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have
happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

BE AWARE .... THEY WALK AMONG US!!

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Fw: NAG NAG NAG

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay
of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about,
'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual,
he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in
the bathtub,
pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the
stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told
that her husband's client,
James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.
Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go
upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER
STOP?!'

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Announcement

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form,
and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the
names of "c*cktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink".

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and
Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky
b*obs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Fw: Newfie Hooker...

A Newfie couple are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll
try being a hooker.
She's not quite sure what to do, so the husband says, "Stand in front of
that bar and pick up a guy.
Tell him you charge a hundred dollars. Any questions and I'll be parked
around the corner."
She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a
guy pulls up and asks
"How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars. He replies, "All I got is
thirty."

She says, "Hold on," and runs back to the husband and asks. "What now. What
can he get for thirty?
"A hand job," the husband replied. She runs back and tells the guy all he
gets for thirty dollars is a hand job.
He agrees and she gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and out pops
this HUGE willy.
She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. "I'll be right back." She
runs back to the husband.

"What's wrong?" he asks.
"Any chance you could lend this guy seventy dollars?"

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From: Wally
Subject: Brakes

A trucker was driving down a steep hill and was startled to find a man and
woman lying in the centre of the road, making love.
He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on the couple.
Realising that they were not about to get out of the way,
he slammed on his brakes and stopped -- just inches away from them.
Getting out of the truck, madder than hell,
the driver walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the couple,
still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell is the matter with you two?
Didn't you hear me? You could have been killed!!!!"
The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned,
looked up and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were
coming!
You were the only one with brakes!

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: little johnny

A family was driving behind a garbage truck when a large d*ldo flies out
and hits the windshield.
To hide her embarrassment the mother turns and says to her young kids, "My,
what a big insect!"
To which, little Johnny, her 7 year old says, "I'm surprised it could fly
with a d*ck that big."

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Made in the USA-TRULY AMAZING !!!!!

Remember WD-40, This is WD-41 check it out.
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: The nun and soldier

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide
under your skirt.
I'll explain later.'
The nun agreed.
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen
a soldier?'
The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and
said,
'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to
Afghanistan .'
The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of 
legs!'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher,
you would have seen a great pair of balls...
I don't want to go to Afghanistan either.'

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Hans Klok & The Divas of Magic - 10 Illusions in 5 Minutes

Unbelievable! How do they do
This is great.
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Senior Night

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a
trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience"

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a
beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while
quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the
watch......."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and
forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. A hundred pairs of eyes
followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped
from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred
pieces.

"Sh*t!"........said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude never was invited back.

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: medical examination

During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:-

"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.

Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"

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From: 4M
Subject: It has finally been found!
funny-weasly-car-park-blue
 Click here

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From: 4M
Subject: Only in America!
cool-ad-banned-Red-Riding-Hood
 Click here

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From: Burnout
Subject: Off the rails.......
 Click here

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From: Cartographer Chris
Subject: This is NOT how you check for gas!
 Click here

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Walking Eagle

On a recent trip to the United States , Tony Blair, Ex. Prime Minister of
the UK ,
addressed a major gathering of Native American Indians.

He spoke for almost an hour on his plans for a Carbon Trading Tax for the
UK and Europe

At the conclusion of his speech, the crowd presented him with a plaque
inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

A very chuffed Tony then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds..

A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the
new name given to Tony Blair .

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of
sh*t that it can no longer fly.

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: Fixing the Gutter
 Click here

I'll guess I'll never ever understand women.
My dear wife hounded me for months & months...to fix the damaged downspout
of our gutter system

But, when I finally fixed it, she was hopping mad!

Like I said, I guess I'll never ever understand women?

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From: Sack
Subject: It's Not Spring Everywhere!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

The older I get … the better I was!

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From: Sack
Subject: Rehab!
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: Female Philosophy
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: When Not to have your photo taken !

I'll be with you in just one moment, Offisher.
 Click here

Can you say OUCH???
 Click here

Maybe it's the smell that knocked the boy out in the first place.
 Click here

Made his own tent!
 Click here

Do they look like they're having fun yet! ?
(Yep, that's the Top Thrill Dragster at Cedar Point!)
 Click here

Must have been the breast stroke.
 Click here

Dang, he's going fast. He's about to loose his luggage!
 Click here

What was in that chilli I ate??
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: 25 ways to show you're a man
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: Anybody Ever Sent You An Optical Illusion ?
 Click here

OPTICAL ILLUSION...THE GIRL HAS THE PURPLE SHIRT.
THE GUY IS SITTING IN THE CHAIR WITH THE BLACK SHIRT.

Was I right ? You viewed it twice ?

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From: Sack
Subject: Things people pass around
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: MEDICATION "ERROR!"
 Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: Bad Dog
 Click here Click here Click here

Bad Dog, located at Orange County Museum of Art.
Did I mention that a stream of yellow paint periodically squirts out of
this sculpture, to further create the, er, experience.

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From: Wally
Subject: 3 Photos
 Click here Click here Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: Australian Weather

The Department of Political Correctness, announced today that the climate in 
Australia, should no longer be referred to as Australian Weather. Rather than 
offend a sizeable portion of the Australian population, it will now be 
referred to as "Muslim Weather".

Partly Sunni, but mostly Shiite.

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From: Wally
Subject: The Aliens have Arrived
 Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: 25 X Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: Tears in Space
 Click here Click here

This is what happens when you cry in Space

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From: Wally
Subject: Thief in the Night
 Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: Mid Air Repair
 Click here
Those Magnificent Girls in their Flying Machines

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From: Wally
Subject: 2 Russian Dogs
 Click here Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: So True ...As I grow older...
 Click here

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Quote of the Week:

"Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without
also falling into her hands."

- Jerry Lewis.

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[ End friday humour ]

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