Friday humour - April 19, 2013

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

Another mindless act of savagery in Boston reinforces both the worst and
the best of our species. If it wasn’t for the latter there would be no hope
for us. The latter is best expressed by the selfless actions of those many 
first responders who lost their lives in West, Texas trying to help others. 

Not a good week in the US, so a good time for some distracting levity.

This weeks excellent collection arrives on behalf of Allnutts, Cartographer
Chris, Diks, Mad Mick from Marwick, Nottingham Smithie, Sack, Seasoldier, 
The Great Gussius, Wally, and the resplendently surreptitious anonymi.

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ITALIAN AUCTION
A Chinese Ming Vase is up for auction. The bidding opens at a half-million
Euros. Bidding is brisk and each bidder is clearly identified as each
raises the bid by 100,000 Euros.
Now, you are going to have to see the video for yourself.
The auctioneer is exuberant.
The pace is fast.
This is how an auction should be run.
Note the excitement on the auctioneer's face after the final bid.
 Click here

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It happened at a New York Airport. This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts
of this girl. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New
York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted
with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out
there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.

A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was
re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his
ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to
be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but
I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work
something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone. "May I have your attention, please?" she began, her voice heard
clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO
DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please
come to Gate 14".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at
the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said,
"F*** You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get
in line for that, too."

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Pranks
 Click here

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Logic of a Beer Drinker.......

Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?

Man: Yes.

Lady Interviewer: How much a day?

Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.

Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?

Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.

Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?

Man: 15 years.

Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming 3
Six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month.
In one year, You would then be spending $10,800, correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting
For inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000; correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for
The last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady Interviewer: No.

Man: So where's your Ferrari?

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Human traffic camera!
Watch a different sort of flasher!
 Click here

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~Adult Riddles ~

Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?
A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.

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Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

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Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

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Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

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Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.

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Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

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Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Catholic Priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

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Q. What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

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Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

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Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?
A: 45 pounds .

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Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?
A: 45 minutes.

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Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

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Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!

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'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions
with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell
is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of
fish they catch, stuff like that. And
I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to
lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,
takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow
stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and
I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a
seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months
through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to
laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in
amazement.

'Then, about two Sat*rdays ago, my Mom starts going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!'
Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house
for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck
walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a
sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed
like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he
got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like
psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming
water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden,
out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it
was from Mom's play-centre, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.
When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in
the first place..'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's Show-and-tell
day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle
Wife' comes along.

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Alzheimers or HIV?

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,

"Hello."

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your
husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from
another Mr. Sanders arrived as well... We are now uncertain which one
belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other
one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests
once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere
in the middle of town.

If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him

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Yes Officer

A policeman was patrolling late at night off the main road.

At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers' lane, with the
interior light brightly glowing.

He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young
man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her
fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the policeman walks to the car and
gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?

The policeman asks: 'What are you doing?'

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the policeman says: 'And,
her, what is she doing?'

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'

Now, the policeman is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at
night in a lover's lane and nothing inappropriate is happening!

The policeman asks: 'What's your age, young man?'

The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'

The policeman asks: 'And her, what's her age?'

The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 16 in 11 minutes.'

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In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Panadol also has a generic name of
Paracetamol. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin, and Nurofen is also called
Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that
it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were
Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin,
Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid
form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for
use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself
a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it
gives new meaning to the names of 'c*cktails', 'highballs' and just a good
old-fashioned
'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT &
DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and
Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there
should be a large elderly population with perky B*obs and huge erections
and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

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Career Day
 Click here

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We can easy defeat N Korea with a giant magnet!

Lots of attaboys for North Korean officers. Clearly these nuts need lots of
attaboys. What they also need is baggier uniforms or smaller medals. They
could be easily defeated with a giant magnet!
 Click here

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L.E.D. Zeppelin
 Click here

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Pantyhose on dogs
Apparently putting pantyhose on dogs is something of a mini-trend in China.
Sorry dogs of China, but these photos manage to meet at the crossroads of
hilarious and weird and vaguely unsettling, which makes them perfect.
 Click here Click here Click here

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Modern technology has brought us many benefits, including mosquito traps
that cost hundreds of dollars, but sometimes we overlook simple solutions
to difficult challenges such as mosquito control. When it comes to
controlling pests, research tends to focus on chemicals or concepts that
can be patented. Unless someone can make a profit from an idea, the public
may never become aware of it.

HOMEMADE MOSQUITO TRAP.
Items needed: 200 ml water 50 grams of brown sugar 1 gram of yeast 2-liter
plastic bottle Or US conversion: 1 cup of water 1/4 cup of brown sugar
HOW:
1. Cut the plastic bottle in half.
2. Mix brown sugar with hot water. Let cool. When cold, pour in the bottom
half of the bottle.
3. Add the yeast. No need to mix. It creates carbon dioxide, which attracts
mosquitoes.
4. Place the funnel part, upside down, into the other half of the bottle,
taping them together if desired.
5. Wrap the bottle with something black, leaving the top uncovered, and
place it outside in an area away from your normal gathering area.
(Mosquitoes are also drawn to the colour black.)
Change the solution every 2 weeks for continuous control.
 Click here

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North Korean Air Force .....
 Click here

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Collingwood cooking tips
 Click here

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Share
 Click here

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The personal touch
 Click here

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Oh-Oh
 Click here

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Genius at work
 Click here

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The truth
 Click here

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A Holy one
 Click here

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The kiss!
 Click here

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Who says women pro golfers are at a disadvantage to men?
Michelle Wie - pro golfer.
Matching lavender outfit worth $2000.
New pair of French sunglasses worth $500.
NIKE products Endorsements worth $10,000,000.
That handy gadget to hold your putter .... Priceless!!!
 Click here

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Each day
 Click here

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NBN options
 Click here

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Management
 Click here

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Smile a while
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Virus
 Click here

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Libs NBN test speed
 Click here

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Role reversal
 Click here

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Life, the universe and everything. In just 2 books!
 Click here

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Oh grow up!
 Click here

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6 Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Motivationals
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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Drug Storage Fails
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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Telephones
 Click here

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Wild X-Rays
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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Weird Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Good Ones
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1) You can't count your hair.
   
2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.
   
3) You can't breathe when your tongue is out.
   
Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.
    

Ten (10) Things I know about you.
   
1) You are reading this.
  
2) You are human.
  
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
  
4) You just attempted to do it.
  
6) You are laughing at yourself.
  
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
  
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
  
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it
too.
  
10) You are probably going to send this on to see who else falls for it.
    
"Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many."

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!

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[ End friday humour ]

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