Friday humour - April 12, 2013

Gussius @ Buehaze

Former British PM Maggie Thatcher passed away this week; remembered by some
as a great leader and by others as a divisive reformer. As a mark of both
respect and reconciliation, the current government would gladly declare her
birthday a Public Holiday; except Maggie would spin in her grave for all
eternity. But Argentina would be peeved, so that would be a plus, surely.

Some say, like those in the north on England, that Maggie and Ronald Reagan
- who were in power at the same time - shared one other attribute other
than political solidarity: Dementia -
which can be traced back using their similar demented economic policies as
far as the mid 1980’s.
Those who disagree and advocate her greatness will no doubt support the
idea of a holiday in her honour. QED.

Contributors this week include Anonymous3, Cartographer Chris, Nottingham
Smithie, Seasoldier,
Whizzbang, Wronknee, Sack, Wally and the usual crew of anon.

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Moments in photography:

"The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has
taken place."
George Bernard Shaw

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"All men's souls are immortal, but the souls of the righteous are immortal
and divine."
Socrates

Every photographer wishes they might capture moments like these ...
 Click here
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Trivia time!:

Q: What was the first official White House car?
 Click here
A: A 1909 White Steamer, ordered by President Taft.

Q: Who opened the first drive-in gas station?
 Click here
A: Gulf opened up the first station in Pittsburgh in 1913.

Q: What city was the first to use parking meters?
 Click here
A: Oklahoma City, on July 16, 1935.

Q: Where was the first drive-in restaurant?
 Click here
A: Royce Hailey's Pig Stand opened in Dallas in 1921.

Q: True or False?
The 1953 Corvette came in white, red and black.
 Click here
A: False.
The 1953 'Vetted' were available in one color, Polo White.

Q: What was Ford's answer to the Chevy Corvette, and other legal street
racers of the 1960's?
 Click here
A: Carroll Shelby's Mustang GT350.

Q: What was the first car fitted with an alternator, rather than a direct
current dynamo?
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A: The 1960 Plymouth Valiant

Q: What was the first car fitted with a replaceable cartridge oil filter?
 Click here
A: The 1924 Chrysler.

Q: What was the first car to be offered with a "perpetual guarantee"?
 Click here
A: The 1904 Acme, from Reading, PA. Perpetuity was disturbing in this case,
as Acme closed down in 1911.

Q: What American luxury automaker began by making cages for birds and
squirrels?
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A: The George N. Pierce Co. of Buffalo, who made the Pierce Arrow, also
made iceboxes.

Q: What car first referred to itself as a convertible?
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A: The 1904 Thomas Flyer, which had a removable hard top.

Q: What car was the first to have it's radio antenna embedded in the
windshield?
 Click here
A: The 1969 Pontiac Grand Prix.

Q: What car used the first successful series-production hydraulic valve 
lifters?
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A: The 1930 Cadillac 452, the first production V16

Q: Where was the World's first three-color traffic lights installed?
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A: Detroit, Michigan in 1919. Two years later they experimented with
synchronized lights.

Q: What type of car had the distinction of being GM's 100 millionth car
built in the U.S. ?
 Click here
A: March 16, 1966 saw an Olds Tornado roll out of Lansing, Michigan with
that honor.

Q: Where was the first drive-in movie theater opened, and when?
  target=_blank>Click here
A: Camden, NJ in 1933

Q: What autos were the first to use a standardized production key-start
system?
 Click here
A: The 1949 Chryslers

Q: What did the Olds designation 4-4-2 stand for?
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A: 4 barrel carburetor, 4 speed transmission, and dual exhaust.

Q: What car was the first to place the horn button in the center of the
steering wheel?
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A: The 1915 Scripps-Booth Model C. The car also was the first with electric
door latches.

Q: What U.S. production car has the quickest 0-60 mph time?
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A: The 1962 Chevrolet Impala SS 409. Did it in 4.0 seconds.

Q: What's the only car to appear simultaneously on the covers of Time and
Newsweek?
 Click here
A: The Mustang

Q: What was the lowest priced mass produced American car?
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A: The 1925 Ford Model T Runabout. Cost $260, $5 less than 1924.

Q: What is the fastest internal-combustion American production car?
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A: The 1998 Dodge Viper GETS-R, tested by Motor Trend magazine at 192.6
mph.

Q: What automaker's first logo incorporated the Star of David?
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A: The Dodge Brothers.

Q: Who wrote to Henry Ford, "I have drove fords exclusively when I could
get away with one. It has got every other car skinned, and even if my
business hasn't been strictly legal it don't hurt anything to tell you what
a fine car you got in the V-8"?
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A: Clyde Barrow (of Bonnie and Clyde) in 1934.

Q: What car was the first production V12, as well as the first production
car with aluminum pistons?
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A: The 1915 Packard Twin-Six. Used during WWI in Italy, these motors
inspired Enzi Ferrari to adopt the V12 himself in 1948.

Q: What was the first car to use power operated seats?
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A: They were first used on the 1947 Packard line.

Q: Which of the Chrysler "letter cars" sold the fewest amount?
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A: Only 400, 1963, 300J's were sold (they skipped" "I" because it looked
like a number 1)

Q: What car company was originally known as Swallow
Sidecars (aka SS)?
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A: Jaguar, which was an SS model first in 1935, and ultimately the whole
company by 1945.

Q: What car delivered the first production V12 engine?
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A: The cylinder wars were kicked off in 1915 after Packard's chief
engineer, Col. Jesse Vincent, introduced its Twin-Sis.

Q: When were seat belts first fitted to a motor vehicle?
 Click here
A: In 1902, in a Baker Electric streamliner racer which crashed at 100 mph.
on Staten Island!

Q: In January 1930, Cadillac debuted it's V16 in a car named for a
theatrical version of a 1920's film seen by Harley Earl while designing the
body, What's that name?
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A: The "Madam X", a custom coach designed by Earl and built by Fleetwood.
The sedan featured a retractable landau top above the rear seat.

Q: Which car company started out German, yet became
French after WWI?
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A: Bugati, founded in Molsheim in 1909, became French when Alsace returned
to French rule.

Q: In what model year did Cadillac introduce the first electric sunroof?
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A: 1969

Q: What U.S. production car had the largest 4 cylinder engine?
 Click here
A: The 1907 Thomas sported a 571 cu. in. (9.2liter) engine.

Q: What car was reportedly designed on the back of a Northwest Airlines
airsickness bag and released on April Fool's Day, 1970?
 Click here
A: 1970 Gremlin, (AMC)

Q: What is the Spirit of Ecstasy?
 Click here
A: The official name of the mascot of Rolls Royce, she is the lady on top
of their radiators.

Q: What was the inspiration for MG's famed octagon-shaped badge?
 Click here
A: The shape of founder Cecil Kimber's dining table. MG stands for Morris
Garages.

Q: In what year did the "double-R"  Rolls Royce badge change from red to
black?
 Click here
A: 1933

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It's Coming:

Church Services in the Near Future

PASTOR: Praise the Lord.

CONGREGATION: Hallelujah!

PASTOR: Can we please turn our tablet PC, iPad, cellphone, Kindle Bibles to
1 Cor. 13:13. And please switch on your Bluetooth to download the sermon.

PASTOR: Let us pray, committing this week into God's hands. Open your Apps,
BBM, Twitter and Facebook and chat with God.

PASTOR: Please have your credit and debit cards ready as we shall now take
tithes and offerings. You can log on to the church Wi-Fi using the password
Lord909887. Ushers circulate mobile card swipe machines among the
worshipers. Those who prefer to make electronic funds transfers are
directed to computers and laptops at the rear of the church and those who
prefer to use iPads are allowed to flip them open. Those who prefer
telephone banking are allowed to take out their cellphones to transfer
their contributions to the church bank account.(The holy atmosphere is
truly electric as the cellphones, iPads, PCs and laptops beep and flicker!)

[Announcement]

SECRETARY:This week's cell meetings shall be held on the various Facebook
group pages where the usual group chatting takes place. Please don't miss
out. Thursday's bible teachings will be held live on Skype at 1900hrs GMT.
Please don't miss out. You can follow your Pastor on Twitter this weekend
for counseling and prayers. God bless you and have a wonderful
week!Confessions can be e-mailed to the church secretary's inbox - please
limit sins to a maximum of 10 per week ( bullet point format please ).
Penance will be dispensed in a mass e-mail. Automated pre-recorded prayers
for atonement are not allowed. Please turn off your SPAM filters, and
disable your out-of-office auto-reply.
There will be a special collection offering to upgrade our WiFi service
router,..... thus providing a lightning fast direct high speed connection
to the big guy upstairs.

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Kitty Kat!:

  A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends.

  "Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed.
  "Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband.
  He'll be so annoyed if it's not ready on time."

  When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted
lettuce leaf, an egg and a can of cat food.
  With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food,
  stirred in the egg and garnished it with the lettuce leaf.

  She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in
horror as he sat down to his dinner.
  To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it.

  "Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage!
You can make this for me any day."

  Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband
the same dish.

  She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified. "You're
  going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

  Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the
clubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding
him cat food every week would do him in!
How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"

  The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him.

  He fell off the window sill while he was licking his ar*e!"

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A Cardiologist's Funeral:

This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral...

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate
funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...

A huge heart.... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the
eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then
closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own
funeral... I'm a Gynaecologist!'

The priest fainted!

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Confucius did NOT say:

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind
car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is
left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to
fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in
basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY. . ...

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

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Different kind of ventriloquism act:
 Click here

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Lemon Picker:

Talk about over qualified!

The woman applying for a job in a lemon orchard in Country Queensland,
seemed to be far too qualified for the job;
given her arts and education degrees from Sydney University and her job as
a social worker and school  teacher.
The foreman frowned and said,
I have to ask you this:
"Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!"
"I've been divorced three times,
owned two Fords,
supported Collingwood,
and I voted for Julia  Gillard."

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Get Laughing folks:

Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school, they’re fascinating.”

Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to
end up in one.”

  - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few
days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar
diabetes.”

Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”

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It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned
myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

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A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD.
Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy.

Well, that’s when all the trouble started !!

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Irish newlyweds turn up at their hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite.

The receptionist asks "Do you have reservations?"

Bride says "Well . . . . ..I'm a bit worried about taking it up the ar*e!"

  - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Paddy caught his wife having an affair and decided to kill her and
himself.

He puts the gun to his head, looks at his wife and says "Don't laugh
Bitch, your next!!"

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Woman goes to the doctors and says "I'm getting too much discharge".

Doctor says "Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed".

He puts on his latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her vagina.

"How does that feel?" he asks.

"Lovely" she replies "But the discharge is in my ear!"

  - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the
school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."

His Dad replies "Never mind son, maybe next time you'll get a speaking
part!!"

   - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Two Irishmen looking through a Vogue mail order catalogue.

Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women, the prices are reasonable too."

Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"

Three weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"

"No" said Mick "But it shouldn't be long now though, her clothes arrived
yesterday!!

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Being Romantic...via TEXT:

My wife, being the romantic sort, just sent me a
text.............

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing,
send me your
smile. If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me
your tears.

I love you x."

I replied........"I am having a sh*t. What should I do?"

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Choose Sign:

Hang this sign over you office desk at work and see what happens.

Choose Two Only

Fast

Cheap

Correct

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Just in case...:
 Click here
France surrenders to North Korea

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Car Guys:
 Click here

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Amish Segway:
 Click here

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Lunch:
 Click here

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36 PERFECTLY TIMED ANIMAL SHOTS:
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Taken with high precision but most of the time just lucky shots. Animal
photography at it's best, at least in a fun way.

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Ever wondered what’s behind those odd blurred bits in Google Maps / Google
Earth Street View?

Well,  wonder no more!:-
 Click here Click here

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My New Medicine Cabinet:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Senior's Medicine Cabinet
Be sure to read up on each disease and the required dosage

It's taken me many months of my retirement time but we just finished
building a new medicine cabinet in our new kitchen. During a visit to the
museum at the Royal
College of Surgeons I noticed how many specimens were preserved in alcohol,
which gave me this flash of inspiration, why pay a fortune to be embalmed
after death, when it is so pleasant to do it whilst still active.

    Here, take a look...

Disease
 Wine
 Daily Dose

Acne
 Médoc, Cabernet Franc
 1 glass

Anemia
 Barbera, Dolcetto
 2 glasses

Allergies
 Pinot Noir
 1 glass

Bronchitis
 Brunello, Cabernet Sauvignon
 2 glasses

Constipation
 Chardonnay
 2-4 glasses

Cholesterol
 Dry Champagne
 2-4 glasses

Diabetes
 Beaujolais Nouveau
 1-2 glasses

Diarrhoea
 Champagne sec
 1 bottle

Gerd (Acid reflux)
 Burgundy , Santenay Rouge
 1-3 glasses

High Uric acid (Gout)
 Sancerre , Pouilly Fume
 2 glasses

Hypertension
 Alsace , Sancerre
 4 glasses

Menopause
 Grenache, Syrah
 4 glasses

Depression
 Médoc, Tempranillo
 1-3 glasses

Bladder Infection
 Sangiovese
 1-3 glasses

Obesity
 Syrah
 1 bottle

Rheumatism
 Malbec or Merlot
 1-2 glasses

Sleep Apnia
 Port
 1 glass (4 oz)

Poor Memory
 Any of the above
 Doesn't matter

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Signs:
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Hopefully he will run for Congress:
 Click here

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After Surgery:
 Click here

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.

"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked ...

“How long will it be before I am able to have a normal s*x
life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his
cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor?  I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied ...

“Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me
that after having their tonsils out."

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Anger Management:
 Click here

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UK Banks special offer:

 A number of UK Banks, especially RBS and Lloyds, have banded
together to express their gratitude to the British people for helping them
out in their time of need.
They have commissioned a limited edition commemorative pencil
sharpener which will be offered to selected customers in gratitude for the
billions of pounds profit they got out of us last year. It's designed to
remind us of the friendly and, even intimate relationship the banks have
built up with the British public
 Click here

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What can a man do with three naked women?:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

 NOT WHAT YOU EXPECTED, IS IT?

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Inside the Endeavour, Discovery, and Atlantis Space Shuttles:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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 Click here Click here

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Roller Coaster Ride (Graphic):
How dangerous is roller coasting? Watch the couple in the front row. First
one falls out because of the high speed, then the other. So sad, they were
only a young couple.

WARNING - NOT FOR THE FAINT HEARTED
 Click here

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11 X Photos (Including North Korea):
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Underwater Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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Women at War:
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Women working during World War 2

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Snake:
 Click here

55ft Giant Snake
A photograph purporting to show a 55ft snake found in a forest
in China has become an internet sensation. It was originally posted in a
thread on the website of the People's Daily, the official Communist Party
newspaper in China . The thread claimed the snake was one of two enormous
boas found by workers clearing forest for a new road outside Guping city,
Jiangxi province.

They apparently woke up the sleeping snakes during attempts to
bulldoze a huge mound of earth. ?On the third dig, the operator found there
was blood amongst the soil, and with a further dig, a dying snake
appeared,' said the post.' At the same time, another gold colored giant boa
appeared with its mouth wide open. The driver was paralyzed with fear,
while the other workers ran for their lives.

By the time the workers came back, the wounded boa had died,
while the other snake had disappeared. The bulldozer operator was so sick
that he couldn't even stand up. The post claimed that the digger driver was
so traumatized that he suffered a heart attack on his way to hospital and
later died. The dead snake was 55ft (16.7m) long, weighed 450kg and was
estimated to be 140 years old, according to the post.

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A short bedtime story ...:
 Click here
THE END !

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Is someone at work irritating you?:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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Sports presenter:
 Click here

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Aston Martin used car ad:
 Click here

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PLAYBOY SUFFERS IN THE RECESSION: [XXX]

Due to the poor economy, Playboy has made some cut backs:
The Financial crisis has hit the calendar girls as well!!!

Miss January
 Click here

Miss February
 Click here

Miss March
 Click here

Miss April
 Click here

Miss May
 Click here

Miss June
 Click here

Miss July
 Click here

We regret to inform you that our photographer has committed suicide!

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Brilliant...:
 Click here

A Kiwi  Muslim was caught having s*x with a sheep  today.

He said it was islamb and he could do what he wanted with  it.

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South Texas Snake: [XXX]
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

This particular snake (shown) is indigenous to deep south Texas and is
sometimes referred to as the Rio Grande Beaver Snake. The snake is
non-poisonous but you must never take your eyes off the snake !!!

You took your eye off the damn snake... didn't you?

...I just can't trust you to do anything you're told!

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The 2012 "Freakiest River Fish" Awards !!!:
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Freakiest River Fish !!!

21 Of The Freakiest Fish Caught On “River Monsters”

All of these were caught by Jeremy Wade, the silver-fox madman who
hosts River Monsters on Animal Planet.

And, yes, he releases everything he catches.

1.
A 7-feet-long, 111-pound alligator gar caught in the Trinity River in
Texas.

2.
A 150-pound arapaima was caught in the Rio Maderia floodplain lake in
Brazil.

3.
A massive bull shark caught in southern Africa's Zambezi River.

4.
An electric eel found in the Amazon River, which can grow up to eight
feet long and weigh up to 44 pounds.

5.
A freshwater sawfish, which can grow to 20 feet and over 400 pounds.
–( probably caught in N.T. )

6.
A giant Siamese carp, or giant barb, caught in the Mekong river.
Only a fraction of its adult size, this fish is capable
of growing to 10 feet and 660 pounds, making it one of the largest
species of freshwater fish on the planet.

7.
A giant freshwater stingray. At roughly 400 pounds,
this is the largest river fish Jeremy Wade has ever captured.

9.
A 161-pound goonch catfish, caught in a river in northern India.
This catch measured 5 feet, 7 inches from head to tail with a 41-inch
girth and 44-inch
"wingspan." – (known to have taken small children/buffalo)

10.
An African lungfish. The largest specimens can reach about 6.6 feet
in length.

11.
A small Vundu catfish. This fish is capable of reaching over 5 feet
in length, and its maximum known weight is 121 pounds.

12.
A New Zealand longfin eel, which can reach up to 5 feet in legth.

13.
A Nile perch. This species can grow to 6 feet in length and weigh
over 500 pounds.

14.
A 1-pound black piranha, the largest of the roughly 40-known piranha
species.

15.
A Cuiu-Cuiu, a prehistoric-looking catfish found in the Orinoco and
surrounding rivers of the
Amazon.
The Cuiu-Cuiu can grow to 3 feet in length and weigh over 40 pounds.
It has scutes along the back half of its body that give support to
the tail fin;
these give the Cuiu-Cuiu an armored appearance, common in ancient
fish.

16.
The red-bellied pacu is related to the flesh-eating piranha, but
unlike its notorious cousin it feeds
mainly on insects and vegetation.
It uses its large, humanlike choppers as a tool for cracking open
rubber tree nuts,
crushing seeds and chopping up sea herbs and various other food
sources.

17.
A short-tailed river stingray. This fish typically grows to 4.9 feet
in diameter and over 450 pounds in weight.

18.
A wels catfish weighing 163 pounds and measuring 7 feet,
4 inches from head to tail. The largest wels can reach up to 10 feet
and weigh over 330 pounds.

19.
A white sturgeon, the largest and most primitive freshwater fish in
North America.
The biggest white sturgeon on record stretched more than 20 feet in
length and weighed almost 1,800 pounds.

20.
A Japanese giant salamander, the second largest salamander in the
world,
after the Chinese giant salamander. It grows to around five feet in
length. (Not a fish,
granted, but still freaky)

21.
A close relative of the piranha, the payara is often called the
"vampire fish" because of its
long fangs, which can grow to 6 inches in length.
This little-known but frightening-looking fish is found in the
Orinoco River in Venezuela.

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Four reasons not to drive a small car:
 Click here

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My new role model:
 Click here

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A Man's Fairytale:
 Click here

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Finally - charts that makes sense!:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Older drivers:
 Click here

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Psychiatrist!:
 Click here

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GRIZZLY BEAR.... Almost unbelievable....:
 Click here

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Pretty Incredible:
 Click here

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[ End friday humour ]

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