Friday humour - April 05, 2013

A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So they
go into the woods, and they find a bear, and they try to convert it to
their particular religion.

Later, they get together, and the priest says, "Well, when I found the
bear,
I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water."

And the minister says, "Well, I found a bear by the stream. I preached
God's holy word to him. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize
him."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying on a gurney in a body
cast.

"What happened?" they asked.

The rabbi replied, "I never should have started with the circ*mcision."

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From: Anonymous3
Goshawk flies - slow motion photos
Natures Wonders!
 Click here

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From: Burnout

I was standing in a bar in town yesterday and this little Chinese guy comes
in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.

I said to him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like
Kung-Fu, Karate, Taekwondo or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says, "No! What the hell , why you ask me dat - is it coz I Chinee"?

"No", I say, "It's because you're drinking my beer".

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From: Diks
An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there,
accidentally sends him to Hell.

It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with
the level of comfort in Hell.

He soon begins to design and build improvements.

Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and
escalators.
Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer: "So, how are things in
Hell?"

Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning,
flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineer is
going to come up with next."
"What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should
never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me."

"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the staff, and
I'm keeping him!"
God insists: "Send him back, or I'll sue!"

Satan laughs uproariously and answers:
"Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?"

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If this doesn't make you angry nothing will!

A view of our peaceful Muslim friends who we helped free from persecution
by Colonel Gadhafi, this is obviously their way of saying thanks.

WW II - British Military Cemetery in Libya.

Every time a joke and or cartoon is made about the Koran, the whole world
turns upside down and we are all called racists!!!!!!!!

However they appear to do whatever they like and no one says anything...and
the majority of people remain SILENT.

See this video whilst it's available and before it is removed !!!
 Click here

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The young lady, her trumpet and her rendition of TAPS makes your hair stand
on end.

The conductor of the orchestra is Andre Rieu from Holland . The young lady,
her trumpet and her rendition of TAPS makes your hair stand on end. Many of
you may never have heard taps played in its entirety, for all of the men
and women that have died for you to have freedom. This is an opportunity
you won't want to miss and I guarantee you'll never forget. Amazingly
beautiful. Melissa Venema, age 13, is the trumpet soloist. She is also from
Holland.

Here is Taps played in its entirety. The original version of Taps was
called Last Post, and was written by Daniel Butterfield in 1801. It was
rather lengthy and formal, as you will hear in this clip, so in 1862 it was
shortened to 24 notes and re-named Taps. Melissa Venema is playing it on a
trumpet whereby the original was played on a bugle.
 Click here

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From: Seasoldier

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda ticked
off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were
green like the other toads.. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one
thing. Anyway... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother.

He begs her: "Fairy godmother, please make me green like the other toads. I
am tired of being so visible to predators."

The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says,
"Toadra-capokus! You're green!"

The toad looks down and sees that he is green except for his package,
which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother: "Wait a minute!
My pecker's still yellow!"

To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do johnsons. You will have to
go see The Wizard of Oz for that." The toad thanks her and hops off on his
way.

There is a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would
have it, he also encounters the very same fairy godmother. He implores her:
"Fairy godmother, please make me brown like all the other bears. None of
the lady bears want to be seen with me on account that the hunters can spot
me from a mile off."

She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and
says:"Bearus-cadabra! You're brown!"

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception
of the ole twig and berries. They remain purple. He says:
"My Wang is still purple!" She says: "I don't do units, you will have to go
see The Wizard of Oz for that."

To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do
I find The Wizard of Oz?"

The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy... Just follow the yellowd*ck
Toad"

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From: The Great Gussius
Subject: Car warranties
 Click here

CAR DEALERS AT THEIR VERY BEST

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From: Whizzbang
I've just seen an advertisement in my local newspaper:;

I've just seen an advertisement in my local newspaper:ACCOUNTANT
NEEDED!
$65,000 - $70,000So I phoned them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."

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From: Whizzbang
My Daddy Sleeps Naked

"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Ranger.

"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my
Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"

Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years.
Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Ranger what he meant by that.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth,
little Ranger and trouble were old friends,...... but he always told her
the truth.

"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox.
The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a
noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreledshot gun and
said to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!'' "Stay
back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!

"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the
hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that
double-barreled 12-gauge shot gun through the window of the coop. As he
stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip,
had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind
Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and
stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!"

"Miss Russell, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this
mornin!"

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From: Digi Maria
PHOTOS THAT AFFECTED THE WORLD!
I think the last one looks more like a dust storm in Australia.
 Click here

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From: Digi Steve
Novel Alarm clock
 Click here

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From: Dry Bob
black smoke
 Click here

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From: Duke of Barsinov
One of the best Ive seen and heard... the shots of the children are a
delight..... especially the lad in red up the lampost......
 Click here

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From: Livers

LONELY HEARTS ADVERT;

Premature ejaculator seeks a young attractive woman for fling.....

must have large breasts, big lips, a tight ar*e, and ........ aaaaaw,
f*cksake!!..., never mind

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From: Nottingham Smithie
After many years of painstaking research

After many years of painstaking research Texas Southern University have
announced they have discovered new evidence why the dinosaurs were made
extinct - apparently they all died!!!

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From: Sack
Pilots

              The Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control
of a Jewish
              captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.

              It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward
silence between
              the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

              Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain
activates the
              auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters,

              'I don't like Chinese..'

              'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'

              'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'

              'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl
Hahbah!
              That Japanese, not Chinese.'

              'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....doesn't matter, you're all
alike!'

              There's a few minutes of silence.
              'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.

              'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.

              'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.

              'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims
the captain,
              'It was an iceberg!'

              Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ...no mattah...all
same.

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From: Sack
What An Explanation.

  The mother-in-law, comes home and finds her son-in-law  furious and
  packing his suitcase.
  "What happened, Manu?"
  "What happened?  - I'll tell you what happenned! I sent an email to my
  wife saying that I was coming home from my trip today. I got home and
  guess what I found?... My wife, yes my Marie, with a naked guy in our
  marital bed! This is the end of our marriage, I will leave forever!"
  "Calm down!" says mother-in-law. There is something odd about this
  story. Marie would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check
  what happened."
  Moments later, mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "You see, I
  said there must be a simple explanation..." "Marie didn't receive your
email!!!"

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From: Seasoldier

The children were gathered on the front pew one Sunday morning for the
Children's Sermon.
The minister asked, "Does anyone know what the resurrection is?
"One little boy blurted out, "I'm not quite sure but I do know that if you
have a resurrection that lasts longer than four hours, you have to see a
doctor."
It took about ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough to
continue with the worship service.

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From: The Great Gussius
Beware of the Drop Bears in Australia

Tourists be warned. Koalas may look cute but sharks, snakes, crocodiles,
spiders and stingers are not the only hazards when living Downunder.
 Click here

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From: Wally
5 Passengers

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only
4 parachutes. The first passenger, Tracy Grimshaw said, "I have my own news
show and I am the smartest and prettiest woman on TV, so Australian don't
want me to die." She took the first pack and jumped out of the plane.

The second passenger, Clive Palmer, said, "I'm one of the richest men in
Australia, and the Government would like me to keep paying big taxes." So
he grabbed the second pack and jumped.

The third passenger, Julia Gillard said, "Iā?Tm the Prime Minister of
Australia, and I am the smartest ever in the history of our country, some
even call me 'God.'" So she grabbed the pack next to her and jumped out.

The fourth passenger, Cardinal Pell said to the fifth passenger, a
10-year-old schoolgirl , "I have lived a full life and served my God the
best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last
parachute."

The little girl said, "That's okay, Cardinal Pell, there's a parachute left
for you. Australia's smartest Prime Minister took my school backpack."

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Spring
 Click here

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Harley lounge chair
 Click here

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1940 Tour de France
 Click here

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From: Burnout
Barrel Shooting........
 Click here

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From: Burnout
Pilots......
 Click here

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Retirement
 Click here

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Don't Park Illegally In Scotland ... EVER - Unbelievable !
 Click here

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From: KRP
Working From High Ladders
 Click here Click here

Workmen building the airship USS Macon 1932

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WHO KNEW?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

FANCY THAT NOBODY THOUGHT TO DIG AROUND THEM BEFORE NOW. !!!!!
Who knew?
Easter Island Statues have bodies.
The Stone Statues in Easter Island have bodies !
This is absolutely incredible.  Here we've been thinking for all these
years that they were just heads. They are going to be absolutely huge when
they are completely excavated.
It all just adds to the mystery of these amazing sculptures.  Maybe now
they can get more information about them seeing as they have writings on
them.

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From: Sack
Love that dog
 Click here

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From: Sack
3d photos on vending machines...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Sack
What airport security found in cell phone!
 Click here Click here Click here

When you see the pictures below, you will understand why  they want our
cell phones through the x-ray machine.
Cell phone GUNS have arrived. Beneath the digital phone  face is a ..22
calibre handgun capable of firing four rounds in  rapid succession using
the standard telephone keypad. European law  enforcement officials are
stunned by the discovery of these deadly  decoys.
Only when you have one in your hand do you realize that  they are heavier
than a regular cell  phone.
Be  patient If security asks to look at your cell phone OR to turn it on 
to show that it works. They have a good reason!
Wake  up to our NEW WORLD!!

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From: Sack
Fencing Installer in Australia
 Click here
Only an "Aussie tradie" called Bob, could think of a name like this!!

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From: Sack
Holes
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

These holes are not only amazing, but some are really terrifying! The sheer
scale of these holes reminds you of just how tiny we are.
Kimberley Big Hole - South Africa

Apparently the largest ever hand-dug excavation in the world,
this 1,097 meter deep mine yielded over 3 tons of diamonds before being
closed.

Glory Hole - Monticello Dam, California

A glory hole is used when a dam is at full capacity and water needs to be
drained from the reservoir. It is the largest spillway of this type in the
world and consumes 14,400 cubic feet of water every  second.

Great Blue Hole, Belize

This incredible geographical phenomenon known as a blue hole,
 is situated 60 miles off the mainland of Belize.
 There are numerous blue holes around the world,
 but none as stunning as this one.

Sinkhole in Guatemala

These photos are of a sinkhole that occurred in Guatemala.
The hole swallowed 2 dozen homes and killed at least 3 people.

SH*T HOLE, CANBERRA

This hole swallows  billions and billions of our Dollars annually!
The money that falls into this hole is never heard from again!
It is reported to contain at least 186 smaller ones know as 'ar*e' holes.

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From: Sack
The Museum Sinsheim
 Click here

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From: The Great Gussius
Critters that will make you smile
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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From: Wally
6 X Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Wally
16 X Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Wally
Female Soldiers
 Click here

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 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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[ End friday humour ]

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