Friday humour - March 29, 2013

 From Burnout @ Bluehaze:

From: Anonymous3
Subject: Origins of famous sayings

UP THE POLE

The pole was a mast of a ship. Climbing it was dangerous and, not 
surprisingly, you had to be a bit crazy to go up there willingly. So 
if you were a bit mad you were up the pole.

WARTS AND ALL

When Oliver Cromwell 1599-1658 had his portrait painted he ordered the 
artist not to flatter him. He insisted on being painted 'warts and all'.

WASH MY HANDS OF

The Roman governor, Pontius Pilate, refused to be involved in the 
death of an innocent person (Jesus). So he washed his hands in front 
of the crowd, symbolically disassociating himself from the execution.

WEAR YOUR HEART ON YOUR SLEEVE

In the Middle Ages knights who fought at tournaments wore a token of 
their lady on their sleeves. Today if you make your feelings obvious 
to everybody you wear your heart on your sleeve.

WEASEL WORDS

This phrase is said to come from an old belief that weasels could suck 
out the inside of an egg leaving its shell intact.

WEIGH ANCHOR

The 'weigh' is a corruption of the old word wegan which meant carry or 
lift.

WENT WEST

Once criminals were hanged at Tyburn - west of London. So if you went 
west you went to be hanged.

WIDE BERTH

A berth is the place where a ship is tied up or anchored. When the 
anchor was lowered a ship would tend to move about on the anchor cable 
so it was important to give it a wide berth to avoid collisions. Today 
to give someone wide berth is to steer clear of them.

WILLY-NILLY

This phrase is believed to be derived from the old words will-ye, 
nill-ye (or will-he, nill- he) meaning whether you want to or not (or 
whether he wants to or not).

WIN HANDS DOWN

This old saying comes from horse racing. If a jockey was a long way 
ahead of his competitors and sure to win the race he could relax and 
put his hands down at his sides.

WHEAT FROM THE CHAFF

In the ancient world grain was hurled into the air using a tool called 
a winnowing fork. Wind separated the edible part of the grain (wheat) 
from the lighter, inedible part (chaff). In Matthew 3:12 John the 
Baptist warned that on the judgement day Jesus would separate the 
wheat from the chaff (good people from evil).

WHIPPING BOY

Prince Edward, later Edward VI, had a boy who was whipped in his place 
every time he was naughty.

WHITE ELEPHANT

In Siam (modern day Thailand) white or pale elephants were very 
valuable. The king sometimes gave white elephant to a person he 
disliked. It might seem a wonderful gift but it was actually a 
punishment because it cost so much to keep!

A WOLF IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING

In Matthew 7:15 Jesus warned his followers of false prophets saying 
they were like 'wolves in sheep's clothing' outwardly disarming.

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From: Digi Maria
Subject:  In 1923, Who Was:

1. President of the largest steel company?

2.. President of the largest gas company?

3. President of the New York stock Exchange?

4. Greatest wheat speculator?

5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?

6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their 
days..

Now, 90 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately
became of them..

The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab,

died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson,

went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE,
Richard Whitney,

was released from prison
to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger,

died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of
the Bank of International Settlement,

shot himself.

6 The Great Bear of Wall Street,
Cosabee Livermore,

also committed suicide

However,
in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion
and the winner of the most important golf tournament,
the US Open,
was

Gene Sarazen.

What became of him?

He played golf until he was 92,
died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure
at the time of his death.

The Moral:

Bugger work.
Play golf.

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From: Diks
Subject: Engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there,
accidentally sends him to Hell.

It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with
the level of comfort in Hell.

He soon begins to design and build improvements.

Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and
escalators.
Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer: "So, how are things in
Hell?"

Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning,
flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineer
is going to come up with next."
"What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he 
should
never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me."

"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer
on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"
God insists: "Send him back, or I'll sue!"

Satan laughs uproariously and answers:
"Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?"

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From: Sack
Subject: Fw: Adult Jokes

Fourth Place:

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,

his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as 
your breast,

I know you'll forgive me.'

She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'

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Third Place :

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing 
his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist 
appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

The husband, rejected, turns over..

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

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Runner Up:

Bill worked in a pickle factory.

He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one 
day

to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about 
it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.  He vowed to overcome 
the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at 
once that something was seriously wrong.

'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.

'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put 
my penis into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.

'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'

'No, Bill.  I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh...she got fired too..'

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Winner:

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife 
says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this 
breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said.  'We were probably sitting here naked as a 
jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered.  'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My 
nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.   'One's in your coffee and 
the other is in your oatmeal

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From: Sack
Subject: my physical examination

During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical
activity level. I described a typical day, "Well, yesterday afternoon, 
I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough 
terrain. I waded
along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand
in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed
several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The
mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I
drank eight beers."
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an
outdoors man!"
"No," I replied, "I'm just a bad golfer.

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: The Yellow Toad

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda 
ticked off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier 
if he were green like the other toads.. He'd sure be less visible to 
predators for one thing. Anyway... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy 
godmother.

He begs her: "Fairy godmother, please make me green like the other 
toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators."

The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says, 
"Toadra-capokus! You're green!"

The toad looks down and sees that he is green except for his package, 
which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother: "Wait a minute! 
My pecker's still yellow!"

To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do johnsons. You will 
have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that." The toad thanks her and 
hops off on his way.

There is a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck 
would have it, he also encounters the very same fairy godmother. He 
implores her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like all the 
other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account 
that the hunters can spot me from a mile off."

She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and 
says:"Bearus-cadabra! You're brown!"

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the 
exception of the ole twig and berries. They remain purple. He says: 
"My Wang is still purple!" She says: "I don't do units, you will have 
to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."

To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do 
I find The Wizard of Oz?"

The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy... Just follow the 
yellowdick Toad"

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From: The Great Gussius
Subject: Car warranties
 Click here

CAR DEALERS AT THEIR VERY BEST

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: I've just seen an advertisement in my local newspaper:;

I've just seen an advertisement in my local newspaper:ACCOUNTANT 
NEEDED!$65,000 - $70,000So I phoned them up and said, "The answer is 
-$5,000."

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: My Daddy Sleeps Naked

"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Ranger.

"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on 
my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"

Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. 
Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Ranger what he meant by 
that. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, 
little Ranger and trouble were old friends,...... but he always told 
her the truth.

"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. 
The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy 
heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double 
barreledshot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a 
gonna git him!'' "Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!

"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To 
the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he 
stuck that double-barreled 12-gauge shot gun through the window of the 
coop. As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old 
hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind 
Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went 
and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!"

"Miss Russell, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this 
mornin!"

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From: Digi Maria
Subject: PHOTOS THAT AFFECTED THE WORLD!
I think the last one looks more like a dust storm in Australia.
 Click here 


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From: Digi Steve
Subject: Novel Alarm clock
 Click here 


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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: Traffic wardens
 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: wifi dongle
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: Excellent Graffiti
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: Bankmashines in Cyprus
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: Car for sale
IKEA HAS ANNOUNCED IT'S INTENTION TO TAKE OVER FORD, AND TO SELL CARS. 
SOME OF US ARE GOING TO BE IN DEEP trouble... Just as I figured - 
battery not included!
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: Early video of Wayne swan's childhood.

Rare footage of Wayne Swan's childhood
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: Safety first!
Today's Bad Idea Just when you think a person can't get any dumber..... 
This will cleanse the gene pool a little. I know, I saw it right away 
too .... No safety glasses or hearing protection! And I caught something 
else that is really important: he has no gloves on. I might be up in age 
but I am still sharp as a tack -- don't you agree?
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: What Old People Do With Their Spare Time

This is what OLDER people do during the day with their spare time! 
Repurpose a Card Catalogue Into a Mini Bar Use Old Books as Shelves Turn 
an Old Bike Into a Bathroom Counter Reuse Ketchup Bottles as a Pancake 
Squirter Repurpose Old CD Holders Into A Bagel Storage Device Fill a Box 
With Skewers and it Becomes an All-Purpose Knife Block Turn an Old Door 
Frame Into a Coffee Table Transform a Chair into a Towel Rack and Shelf 
Turn An Old Bathtub Into a Love Seat Use Old Lego Pieces As a Key Holder 
Use Your Old Computer Tower as a Mail Box Reuse Old Kleenex Boxes as Bag 
Dispensers Turn an Old Mini Fridge Into a TV Stand and Storage Unit 
Upcycle Old Light Bulbs Into Candles Repurpose an Old Suitcase Into a 
Medicine Cabinet Use Paperclips to Organize Your Cables Use An Old 
Hanging Shoe Rack to Organize Your Pantry Use Old Books to Create a Desk 
Turn Old Bulletin Boards into a Jewellery Organizer (OR Tell Your 
Girlfriend To) Turn Old Tennis Rackets Into Mirrors Turn Old Credit 
Cards Into Guitar Picks Create a Window Cover Using Old Picture Slides 
Turn Old Suitcases Into Side Tables Turn Old Wrenches Into Wall Hooks 
Use Old CD Cases to Store and Organize Cables Upcycle Old Mugs, Bottles 
and Bowls Into Light Fixtures Reuse Toilet Paper Rolls to Organize 
Cables and Chords Use Old Picture Frame Corners Like Tiles Use a Pipe 
with Valves as a Coat Rack, And they said I was useless.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: The Ant and the truth of government

And this is why we have added over 200,000 new government employees in 
the past two years, and no one can explain why we are still in a 
recession. Eventually the Lion will be let go and be given his walking 
papers. But he will get millions of separation and a pension 
entitlement. It is not a good time to be an ant And......
That is why I am SOOOO thankful to be RETIRED!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: The Great Gussius
Subject: Math challenge

How to change a number 1 to a number 2.
 Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: Chessboxing

The Latest Sports Craze Chessboxing 
The Rules - 
The rules in chess 
boxing are simple. There are 11 rounds, and players alternate between 
boxing and chess. The boxing rounds last three minutes, and the chess 
rounds last four. You win by knockout, or checkmate. If neither of those 
is achieved, the boxer with the highest number of points wins.
 Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: How Keys Work
 Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: The Barber of Seville (XXX - ED)
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Its That Crane Driver Again
 Click here

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From: anonymous 

Subject: The Easter Bunny 

 A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across 
the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but 
unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, 
a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to 
see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is 
the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD. The driver feels so awful that he 
begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees 
a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of 
the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, 
"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM." The 
blonde says,"Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray 
can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and 
sprays the contents onto him. The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw 
at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away he stops, 
turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, 
turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats 
this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. 
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is 
in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?" The woman turns 
the can around so that the man can read the label. It says... 

(Are you ready for this?) 

(Are you sure?) 

(You know you're gonna be sorry)

(Last chance) 

(OK, here it is) It says, "Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair, and 
adds permanent wave." HappyEaster!!!

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Quote of the Week:
"I think you have to pay for love with bitter tears."
- Edith PIAF.

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[ End friday humour ]

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