Friday humour - March 22, 2013

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

Is it just a coincidence that a media led leadership spill is precipitated
when media oversight laws are being dealt with in Parliament?

This week's contribution set breaks a long standing record. There were 13
separate contributions of the Vimeo "paper is not dead" video. I suspect it
will be a while before this record is broken.

Thanks to Biggus, Burnout, Cartographer Chris, Diks, Nottingham Smithie,
Sack, Seasoldier, Wally, Whizzbang, and the always prolific nameless ones
(NOM!).

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10 Crazy laws
 Click here

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I've just seen an advertisement in my local newspaper:
ACCOUNTANT NEEDED!
$65,000 - $70,000
So I phoned them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."

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The Agony of Aging.......
On the morning that Daylight Saving Time ended I stopped in to visit my
ageing friend.
He was busy covering his Willie with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You dumb old bugger! - You're supposed to turn your clock
back".

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A man walks into a crowded local bar in Yarrawonga brandishing a revolver
yelling,
"Who's the bastard that's been screwing my wife?"

A voice from the back of the bar shouts back.
"You don't have enough ammo mate!"

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Paper is not dead
 Click here

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Golfer Swallowed by Sinkhole
 Click here

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Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed
for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien
addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to
your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again,
there was no response.

P*ssed off at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said
gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or
I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want
to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the c*cky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened
fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and
blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess
about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused
his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the
older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn
near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend
and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic
travels, you never fool with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder
twice and then stick it in his ear.'

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Advice

Someone once asked me, "what is your job?"

I replied, "I am my wife's s*xual adviser."

Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by
that?"

"Very simple. The wife has told me that when she wants my f*cking advice,
she'll ask me for it."


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Wal-Mart announced that sometime in 2013 it will begin offering customers a
new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail
chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to
produce the wines at affordable prices in the $2 to $5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of the Wal-Mart brand
into their shopping carts but, 'There is a market for inexpensive wine,'
said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas ,
Bentonville. 'However, branding will be very important.'

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for
the Wal-Mart wine brands and varieties.

The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:
 10. Chateau Traileur Parc
  9. White Trashfindel
  8. Big Red Gulp
  7. World Championship Riesling
  6. NASCARbernet
  5. Chef Boyardeaux
  4. Peanut Noir
  3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
  2. Grape Expectations
  1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat
(Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

P.S. Don't bother writing to tell me that this is a hoax. I know Squirrel
is not a red meat.

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I asked the wife for a little oral relief last night.

"You want me to suck you off?" She asked.

"No" I said "just shut the f*ck up for 5 minutes".

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A Maori and an Aborigine entered a chocolate shop

As they were busy looking around, the Aborigine stole 3 chocolate bars.

As they left the store, the Aborigine said to the Maori "Man, I'm the best
thief, I stole 3 chocolate bars and no one saw me. You can't beat that."

The Maori replied: "You want to see something better? Let's go back to the
shop and I'll show you some real stealing."

So they went up to the counter and the Maori said to the shopkeeper: "Do
you want to see some real magic, man?"

The shopkeeper replied: "Yes."

The Maori said: "Give me one chocolate bar."

The shopkeeper gave him one, and he ate it.

The Maori asked for a second bar, and he ate that as well.

He asked for the third, and finished that one too.

The shopkeeper asked: "But where's the magic?"

The Maori replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find all three
bars of chocolate."

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There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...

For example...

A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as
she can.

Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a
drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them
stay in our bedroom. Did you say "hello"?

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Nanny
 Click here

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How to write good
 Click here

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Just as I Thought
 Click here

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Women!
 Click here

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ADCD - Seriously ...
 Click here

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Obama & Clinton
 Click here

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Shocking News
 Click here

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Quite relieved about where I live now
 Click here

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Every year, Susan goes on holiday with her flat mate ...
 Click here

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See if you have what it takes to be a pilot ...
If you fail this, they make you a Navigator.
Can you focus on the Parrot for 10 seconds?
 Click here
I didn't think so.
Not to worry, you're too old to be a pilot anyway

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Guard dog training Kentucky style
 Click here

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Dogs
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything
that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed
for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals,
sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the
scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' topless blonde came walking straight
towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good
Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then
she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So
the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous
outfits.

Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy
the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous topless blonde came
walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them and said, 'Good
morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute,
young lady.'

'Yes, Father?'

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did
you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'

She replied, 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen'.

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GRACEFULLY!
 Click here

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Conclave...
 Click here

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Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With 25 Cal Pistol!

This is a story of self control and marksmanship with an itsy bitsy shooter
by a woman against a fierce predator.
What is the smallest calibre you trust to protect yourself?

The Beretta Jetfire:
While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend we were surprised by a
huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of no where.
She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely
aggressive.
"If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here
today! Just one shot to my boyfriend's knee cap was all it took! I was able
to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best
pistols in my collection"

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Smile
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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Brickies Labourer in Bangladesh
 Click here

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3 X Photos
 Click here Click here Click here

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Rabbit and Turtle
 Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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