Friday humour - March 15, 2013

Gussius @ Bluehaze

This week, residents of Australia’s capital, Canberra celebrate its 100th
birthday party while the rest of the country wonders why it doesn’t act its
age.

The phrase “icy dirtballs” might conjure up a mental image of politicians,
but this week if you look to the sky, there may be two naked-eye comets
visible in 2013 depending on where you view.

Comet PANSTARRS is currently making its appearance in the western skies of
the northern hemisphere just after twilight. Comet ISON may become a
spectacular naked-eye comet later this year.

As comet-hunter David Levy once famously said on comet predictability:
Comets are like cats; they have tails, and they do precisely what they
want. The political parallel is obvious again.

Contributors this week include Anonymous3, Arfermo, Burnout, Cartographer
Chris, Wally, Whizzbang,
Wronknee, Duke of Barsinov, Sack and anon of course.

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Catholic Hairdryer

In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin.
However, instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK
to express the truth differently without lying.
Below is a perfect example of those Teachings:

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.....

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside
her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday.
It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll
confiscate it.  Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me?
 Hide it under your Robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have
to Declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which
is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father.  Next please!"

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Unique Corvette Collection:

Woodies for real Motor Heads here...

Also other Chevys, Harley's and Indian's

Black Is Beautiful…to some!
 Click here

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BMW assembly plant:

Leave it to the Germans!
 Click here

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Origins of famous sayings:

TAKE SOMEBODY UNDER YOUR WING
In Luke 12:34 Jesus laments that he wished to gather the people of
Jerusalem as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings but Jerusalem was not
willing.

TAKEN ABACK
If the wind suddenly changed direction a sailing ship stopped moving
forward. It was 'taken aback', which was a bit of a shock for the sailors.

TAWDRY
This is a corruption of St Audrey because cheap jewellery was sold at St
Audrey's fair in Ely,
Cambridgeshire.

THORN IN MY SIDE
This comes from the Bible. In 2 Corinthians 12:7 Paul states that he was
given a 'thorn in my flesh' to prevent him becoming proud. We are not told
what the 'thorn' was, perhaps it was some form of illness.

THROUGH THICK AND THIN
This old saying was once 'through thicket and thin wood'. It meant making
your way through a dense wood and through one where trees grew more thinly.

THROW DOWN THE GAUNTLET
In the Middle Ages a gauntlet was the glove in a suit of armour. Throwing
down your gauntlet was a way of challenging somebody to a duel.

TONGUE IN CHEEK
In the 18th century sticking your tongue in your cheek was a sign of
contempt. It is not clear how speaking with your tongue in your cheek took
on its modern meaning.

TOUCH AND GO
This old saying probably comes from ships sailing in shallow waters where
they might touch the seabed then go. If so, they were obviously in a
dangerous and uncertain situation.

TOUCH WOOD
In Celtic times people believed that benevolent spirits lived in trees.
When in trouble people knocked on the tree and asked the spirits for help.

HAVE NO TRUCK WITH
Truck originally meant barter and is derived from a French word 'troquer'.
Originally if you had no truck with somebody you refused to trade with him
or her. It came to mean you refused to have anything to do with them.

TRUE BLUE
This phrase was originally true as Coventry blue as the dyers in Coventry
used a blue dye that lasted and did not wash out easily. However the phrase
became shortened.

TURN THE OTHER CHEEK
Jesus told his followers not to retaliate against violence. In Luke 6:29 he
told them that if somebody strikes you on one cheek turn the other cheek to
him as well.

TURN OVER A NEW LEAF
This means to make a fresh start. It mean a leaf or page of a book.

TURNED THE CORNER
Ships that had sailed past the Cape of Good Hope or Cape Horn were said to
have 'turned the corner'.

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Let's Dance:

ENJOY!

GREAT DANCERS. GREAT AMERICANA.

Whoever put this together has editing skill.

It'll put a smile on your face!
 Click here

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1910 Ford
Make sure you read all the statistics under the photo.

This has only been 103 years ago...Amazing!!!
 Click here

Show this to your friends, children and/or grandchildren!

The year is 1910, over one hundred years ago. What a difference a century
makes!

Here are some statistics for the Year 1910:

***********************************

The average life expectancy for men was 47 years.

Fuel for this car was sold in drug stores only.

Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower !

The average US wage in 1910 was 22 cents per hour.

The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,
a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per
year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME.

Ninety percent of all Doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were
condemned in the press AND the government as 'substandard.'

Sugar cost four cents a pound.

Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg yolks
for shampoo.

There was no such thing as under arm deodorant or tooth paste.

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their
country for any reason.

The five leading causes of death were:

1. Pneumonia and influenza

2, Tuberculosis

3. Diarrhea

4. Heart disease

5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars.

The population of Las Vegas Nevada was only 30!

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented yet

There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write and only 6 percent of all
Americans had graduated from high school.

Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or
domestic help.

There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A. !

I am now going to forward this to someone else without typing it myself.

From there, it will be sent to others all over the WORLD...all in a matter
of seconds!

Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.

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Rejected names for horses:

Always good to see that authorities are on the lookout for the sly use of
inappropriate language!

Only the Brits could get away with this. And the lovely lady is Minnie
Driver.
  Click here

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The Grey Poupon.:
 Click here

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A good Bloke.....:

The Missus and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.
"Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible?" she said.

Being the good Aussie bloke that I am, I thought :

"Bugger it, I'll give her a treat !"

So we walked past it again!

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A tall tale and true from the legendary past :

Researchers studying human s*xuality and practices throughout the ages have
discovered the following fact:

In 1272, the Arab Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower
intestine.
In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the
goat first.

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100 FULL CONCERTS... LIVE:

A Collection of Full Live Concerts! (For the music buff with way too much
time -Ed.)
 Click here
ABBA - USA 1980
 Click here
Adele - London, England 2011
 Click here
Aerosmith - Tokyo, Japan 2002
 Click here
a-ha - Oslo, Norway 2001
 Click here
Alicia Keys - New York, NY 2005
 Click here
Amy Winehouse - Glastonbury, England 2008
 Click here
Amy Macdonald - Open Air Festival, Czech Republic 2012
 Click here
Arctic Monkeys - Manchester, England in 2008
 Click here
Avril Lavigne - Calgary, Canada 2007
 Click here
Barry Manilow - 2011
 Click here
Barry White - a selection of performances
 Click here
Beach Boys - The Lost Concert 1964
 Click here
Beatles - Melbourne, Australia 1964
 Click here
Bee Gees - MA, USA 2001
 Click here
Beyonce - Glastonbury, England 2011
 Click here
Billy Joel - Tokyo, Japan 2006
 Click here
Blur - Glastonbury, England 2009
 Click here
Bon Jovi - Udinese, Italy 2011
 Click here
Bob Marley - Dortmund, Germany 1980
 Click here
Britney Spears - London, England 2000
 Click here
Bruce Springsteen - Glastonbury, England 2009
 Click here
Celine Dion - Memphis, USA
 Click here
Christina Aguilera - London, England 200
 Click here
Coldplay - Austin, Texas, Christmas eve 2011/2012/span>
 Click here
Cranberries - Chile 2010
 Click here
David Bowie - Vancouver, Canada 1983
 Click here
Deep Purple - Copenhagen / New York 1972-1973
 Click here
Depeche Mode - Paris, France 2001
 Click here
Diana Ross - Sweden 1968
 Click here
The Doors- Hollywood, USA 1968
 Click here
Duran Duran - London, England 2004
 Click here
Elton John - Rome, Italy 2005/span>
 Click here
Elvis Costello - Cologne, Germany 1978
 Click here
Eminem - New York, NY 2005
 Click here
Enrique Iglesias - Belfast, Ireland 2007
 Click here
Eric Clapton - Windsor, England 1992
 Click here
Frank Sinatra - Tokyo, Japan 1985
 Click here
Franz Ferdinand - Glastonbury, England 2009
 Click here
Genesis - Dusseldorf, Germany 2007
 Click here
Green Day - Italy 2005
 Click here
Guns and Roses - Paris, France 1992
 Click here
Gypsy Kings - Los Angeles, California, USA 1990
 Click here
James Blunt - Nyon, Switzerland 2011
 Click here
Jamiroquai - Nyon, Switzerland 2010
 Click here
Jay-Z - London, England 2012
 Click here
Jennifer Lopez - Moscow, Russia 2012
 Click here
Jimi Hendrix - Stockholm, Sweden 1969
 Click here
Joe C*cker - Baden-Baden, Germany 1996
 Click here
Kane - London, England 2007
 Click here
Kings of Leon - Landgrf, Netherlands 2011
 Click here
Kiss - Fuji, Japan 2006
 Click here
Kylie Minogue - London, England 2011
 Click here
Lady Gaga - Sydney, Australia
 Click here
Led Zeppelin - London, England 1970
 Click here
Leonard Cohen - London, England 2008/9
 Click here
Linkin Park - Madrid, Spain 2010
 Click here
Little Richard - London, England 1972
 Click here
Louis Armstrong - Belgium 1959
 Click here
Luciano Pavarotti - Barcelona, Spain​
 Click here
Madonna - Lisbon, Portugal 2004
 Click here
Manic Street Fritz'rs - Scotland 2009
 Click here
Mariah Carey - Morocco 2012
 Click here
Metallica - Nimes, France 2009
 Click here
Michael Jackson - Brunei 1996
 Click here
Moby - Novi Sad, Serbia, 2009
 Click here
Muse - London, England 2012
 Click here
Neil Young - New York, NY 2012
 Click here
Nirvana - Rome, Italy 1991
 Click here
Norah Jones - Amsterdam, Netherlands 2007
 Click here
Offspring - Woodstock Festival in New York, USA 1999
 Click here
Phil Collins - Paris, France 2004
 Click here
Pink Floyd - Venice, Italy 1989
 Click here
Pixies - Brazil 2010
 Click here
The Police - Cologne, Germany 1980
 Click here
Prince - New York, NY 1985
 Click here
Queen - Argentina 1981
 Click here
Radiohead - Saitama, Japan 2008
 Click here
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Paris, France 2011
 Click here
REM - Hamburg, Germany 1998
 Click here
Ricky Martin - New York, NY 2000
 Click here
Rihanna - Manchester, England in 2007
 Click here
Robbie Williams - Leeds, England in 2006
 Click here
Rolling Stones - European Tour IMAX
 Click here
Roxette - Johannesburg, South Africa 1995
 Click here
Santana - Montreux, Switzerland 2011
 Click here
The Scorpions - Recife, Brazil in 2008
 Click here
Shakira - Rio de Janeiro, Brazil in 2008
 Click here
The Shins- Hurricane Festival, Germany 2012
 Click here
Simon and Garfunkel - New York, NY 1981
 Click here
Simply Red - London, England 1998
 Click here
Smashing Pumpkins - Mexico City, Mexico 2010
 Click here
Stevie Wonder - Rio de Janeiro, Brazil in 2011
 Click here
Sting - Berlin, Germany 2010
 Click here
System of a Down - Nuremberg, Germany 2011
 Click here
Talking Heads - Rome, Italy
 Click here
Tina Turner - Rio de Janeiro, Brazil in 1988
 Click here
Tom Jones - Chile 2007
 Click here
Toto - Amsterdam, Netherlands 2003
 Click here
The Verve - Glastonbury, England 2008
 Click here
U2 - Glastonbury, England 2011
 Click here
Whitney Houston - New York, NY 2009
 Click here
2Pac - House of Blues 1996

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Definition of Dilemma:

ONE FRIEND SAID TO THE OTHER,

WHAT IS A DILEMMA?ť

HE REPLIED,

TRY THIS EXAMPLE TO ILLUSTRATE THE ANSWER.

IMAGINE YOU ARE LAYING IN A BIG BED IN A WONDERFULLY SENSUAL SETTING. YOU
HAVE A BEAUTIFUL
NAKED YOUNG WOMAN ON ONE SIDE, AND A HANDSOME GAY MAN ON THE OTHER. WHO ARE
YOU GOING
TO TURN YOUR BACK ON?

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Frank Sinatra - Strangers on my Flight:
 Click here

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Ho Ha:
 Click here

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Jesse:
 Click here

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S*X ON MARS:

The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after acc*mulating
enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how
they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of s*x.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the
night and experience one another... Maureen and the male Martian go off to
a bedroom where the Martian strips... He's got only a teeny,
weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen...

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite
impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull,
his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely
exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate
ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache ... She kept
slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

IF YOU DON'T LAUGH AT THIS, YOU ARE BEYOND HOPE!!!

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The Kiwis:

A Queensland Tourist visiting New Zealand for the first
time hired a car to travel to both North & South Islands.

On his way to the south Island he observed a bloke in a
paddock having s*x with a sheep.

The tourist was horrified to think this unacceptable
behaviour could occur in this educated country.

He was so disgusted he stopped at the nearby pub to sooth
his nerves.

Whilst at the bar he noticed a chap with one leg at the end
of the bar discreetly wanking himself.

The tourist was disgusted & said to the barmaid, "What the
hell is going on over here,

I've only been here for a couple hours & I've seen a bloke
screwing a sheep in the paddock & now this one legged bloke at the end of
the bar wanking himself off".

The barmaid replied, "Fair go mate, be reasonable - you
can't expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep".

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Aunty Acid:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Fascinating trivia:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Don't try this at home!

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Free screen cleaner:
 Click here

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Art of rock balancing:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Hard to believe that he can do this without any help...

Michael Grab is an artist that has been 'rock balancing' since 2008. Much
of his recent work has been done around the Boulder, Colorado area. Grab
finds the process both spiritual and therapeutic. On his site
  target=_blank>Click here Grab explains:


"The most fundamental element of balancing in a physical sense is finding
some kind of 'tripod' for the rock to stand on. Every rock is covered in a
variety of tiny to large indentations that can act as a tripod for the rock
to stand upright, or in most orientations you can think of with other
rocks.
By paying close attention to the feeling of the rocks, you will start to
feel even the smallest clicks as the notches of the rocks in contact are
moving over one another.

Parallel to the physical element of finding tripods, the most fundamental
non-physical element is harder to explain through words. In a nutshell, I
am referring to meditation, or finding a zero point or silence within
yourself.
Some balances can apply significant pressure on your mind and your
patience.
The challenge is overcoming any doubt that may arise."

On gravityglue you will find an extensive gallery of his work along with
videos, an in-depth interview and an active blog about his thoughts that
accompany his work.

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Prize:
 Click here

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Constitution:
 Click here

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Computer giving you problems:
 Click here

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 Happens all the time:
 Click here

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OH&S in the 1860's:
 Click here

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Here's one for Allnuts!  XXX
 Click here

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Road Rage.... What road rage?:
 Click here

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Love the Scots:
 Click here

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Aswan in Egypt:
 Click here

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CEMETERY VISIT:
 Click here

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  Funnies:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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The annual hangover finalists:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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Photos we don't get to see very often...:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Your favourite family a bit more informal.

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 Having a Bad Day:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

So you think you've had a bad one.

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France:
 Click here

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11 X Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Baby It's Cold Outside:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Icicles cling to oranges in a small grove, just after sunrise, in Seffner,
Florida. Temperatures in central
Florida dipped into the 20's overnight. Farmers spray water on their crops
to help keep them around 32 degrees, protecting them from possible freeze
damage.

A bike covered by snow is seen in front of the Guomo gothic cathedral in
downtown Milan, Italy

Cars are buried by snow near a residential area of Nome, Alaska

Icicles can be seen on the wing of a Delta Air Lines plane, as it is
sprayed with de-icing fluid, prior to take-
off at Seattle-Tacoma International Airport, in Seattle. The Western
Washington region was hit with an ice storm that closed runways at the
airport and stranded hundreds of travellers, as flights were delayed or
cancelled.

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Kick:
 Click here

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Australian Poem:
 Click here

They were funny looking buildings, that were
once a way of life,
If you couldn't sprint the distance, then you
really were in strife.
They were nailed, they were wired, but were
mostly falling down,
There was one in every yard, in every house, in
every town.

They were given many names, some were even
funny,
But to most of us, we knew them as the outhouse
or the dunny.
I've seen some of them all gussied up, with
painted doors and all,
But it really made no difference, they were
just a port of call.

Now my old man would take a bet, he'd lay an
even pound,
That you wouldn't make the dunny with them
turkeys hangin' round.
They had so many uses, these buildings out the
back,"
You could even hide from mother, so you
wouldn't get the strap.

That's why we had good cricketers, never mind
the bumps,
We used the pathway for the wicket and the
dunny door for stumps.
Now my old man would sit for hours, the smell
would rot your socks,
He read the daily back to front in that good
old thunderbox.

And if by chance that nature called sometime
through the night,
You always sent the dog in first, for there was
no flamin' light.
And the dunny seemed to be the place where
crawlies liked to hide,
But never ever showed themselves until you sat
inside.

There was no such thing as Sorbent, no tissues
there at all,
Just squares of well read newspaper, a hangin'
on the wall.
If you had some friendly neighbours, as
neighbours sometimes are,
You could sit and chat to them, if you left the
door ajar..

When suddenly you got the urge, and down the
track you fled,
Then of course the magpies were there to peck
you on your head.
Then the time there was a wet, the rain it
never stopped,
If you had an urgent call, you ran between the
drops.

The dunny man came once a week, to these
buildings out the back,
And he would leave an extra can, if you left
for him a zac.
For those of you who've no idea what I mean by
a zac,
Then you're too young to have ever had, a dunny
out the back.

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The Fence Repair - Sounds Very Familiar...:
 Click here Click here Click here

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at
Government House.
One is from Cabramatta, another is from Marrickville, and
the third is from Lane Cove.

All three go with an official to examine the fence.
The Cabramatta contractor takes out a tape measure and
does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900,
$400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Marrickville contractor also does some measuring and
figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700.

That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100
profit for me."
The Lane Cove contractor doesn't measure or figure, but
leans over to the government official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure
like the other guys.

How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Lane Cove contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me,
$1000 for you,

and we hire the guy from Marrickville to fix the fence."
"Done!" Replies the government official.
And that, my fellow tax payers, is how a Government
Stimulus plan works.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

20 X Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

By the Way - Did you catch any Fish?:
WARNING! Not for the squeamish
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Old & New Alphabets:
 Click here Click here

As least A for Apple is the same

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Inappropriate shirts for babies:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Britain's Got Talent - Striptease:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Real Reason ...:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

How Real Men open Beer bottles:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

So you think you're having a bad day!:
 Click here
Watch the fox.

     ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Fw: :-):
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Another Good Decision:

Love this one!

A woman was asked,  "When you are a ripe old age, what would you prefer to
get?   Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?

This wise lady answered, Definitely Parkinson's,  better to spill half my
wine than to forget where I put the bottle.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

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[ End friday humour ]

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