Friday humour - February 22, 2013

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

This weeks sumptuous offerings come courtesy of Arfermo, Billy Bunter of
Adelaide, Burnout, Cartographer Chris, Digi Maria, Duke of
Barsinov, Mitta, Nottingham Smithie, Sack, The Great Gussius, Wally,
Whizzbang and all those wilfully nameless souls.

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Warren Buffett: His best quotes.

On investing
"Rule No.1: Never lose money. Rule No.2: Never forget rule No.1"

"It's far better to buy a wonderful company at a fair price than a fair
company at a wonderful price"

"Only buy something that you'd be perfectly happy to hold if the market
shut down for 10 years"

"We simply attempt to be fearful when others are greedy and to be greedy
only when others are fearful"

"Why not invest your assets in the companies you really like? As Mae West
said, "Too much of a good thing can be wonderful"

On success
"Of the billionaires I have known, money just brings out the basic traits
in them. If they were jerks before they had money, they are simply jerks
with a billion dollars"

"The business schools reward difficult complex behaviour more than simple
behaviour, but simple behaviour is more effective"

"You do things when the opportunities come along. I've had periods in my
life when I've had a bundle of ideas come along, and I've had long dry
spells. If I get an idea next week, I'll do something. If not, I won't do a
damn thing"

"Can you really explain to a fish what it's like to walk on land? One day
on land is worth a thousand years of talking about it, and one day running
a business has exactly the same kind of value"

"You only have to do a very few things right in your life so long as you
don't do too many things wrong"

On helping others
"If you're in the luckiest 1pc of humanity, you owe it to the rest of
humanity to think about the other 99pc"

"It takes 20 years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it. If
you think about that, you'll do things differently"

"I don't have a problem with guilt about money. The way I see it is that my
money represents an enormous number of claim checks on society. It's like I
have these little pieces of paper that I can turn into consumption. If I
wanted to, I could hire 10,000 people to do nothing but paint my picture
every day for the rest of my life. And the GNP would go up. But the utility
of the product would be zilch, and I would be keeping those 10,000 people
from doing AIDS research, or teaching, or nursing. I don't do that though.
I don't use very many of those claim checks. There's nothing material I
want very much. And I'm going to give virtually all of those claim checks
to charity when my wife and I die."

"It's class warfare, my class is winning, but they shouldn't be"

"My family won't receive huge amounts of my net worth. That doesn't mean
they'll get nothing. My children have already received some money from me
and Susie and will receive more. I still believe in the philosophy -
FORTUNE quoted me saying this 20 years ago - that a very rich person should
leave his kids enough to do anything but not enough to do nothing"

Now you know - so go to it !!!!

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Didn't take long, did it?

o I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse.....I guess Tesco just listened.
o Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?
o Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.
o Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger……..so I had a
£5 each way bet!
o Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night.... I still have a bit
between my teeth.
o A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from
Tesco. Her condition is said to be stable.
o Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn.
o I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer...AND THEY'RE OFF.
o Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers
confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.
o Said to the missus, “These Tesco burgers given me terrible trots.
o To beef or not to beef. That is equestrian.
o A cow walks into a bar. Barman says, “Why the long face?”. Cow says
“Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!” o I hear the
smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres.

These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit. Talk about flogging a dead ...

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G'day mate, Foster's Helpline - what's the problem mate?"

"I'm on holiday in Australia with my girlfriend and she's been stung on the
minge by a hornet...now her vagina has completely closed up!!! "

"Bummer mate"

"Great idea!! Thanks mate!!"

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Apart from the rather unreal acceleration/deceleration of the models this
is an amazing working diorama of a German airport.
It must be computer controlled and has to be seen to be believed!
 Click here

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Paddy was arrested for punching his wife - again.

The judge asks, "Tell me, Mr Molloy, why do you keep beating her?"

Paddy replies, "I think it's my weight advantage, longer reach and superior
footwork ..."

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Mates

A man invites his mate back home for dinner.

His wife screams at him, "I've not done my hair, not done my makeup, not
done any housework, not done the dishes & can't be bothered with cooking!
What the f**k did you invite him round for?"

He replies ... "'Cos he's thinking of getting married."

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Husband takes the wife to a disco.

There's a guy on the dance floor break dancing, moon walking, back flips,
the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy?

25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!"

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The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland.

One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of
his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.

He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

"Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly - "This is no place for a member of my
congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure!" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and
forth.

The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her
arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled
to the floor.

After a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her
skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub barkeep looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that
carrying on in this pub."

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand.
I'm Pastor Fluff."

The barkeep said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well
finish."

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Plumber of the year award goes to ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Never complain about what a tradesman has done around your house, at least
he was not one of these.

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Birthday Reminder
 Click here

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Tired Dog
 Click here

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British Austerity in full swing!
 Click here

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Boobies ..
 Click here

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Douglas Adams, of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" fame, gives an amazing
insight into Australia - prepare yourself!

Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom
half of the planet. It is recognizable from orbit because of many unusual
features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of
its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep into the
girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of
geomorphology and plate tectonics, but they still call it the "Great
Australian Bight" proving that not only are they covering up a more
frightening theory but they can't spell either!

The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the
place. Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as
continent, island, or country, Australia is considered all three.
Typically, it is unique in this.

The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals. They can be
divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep.

It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia
has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9
most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However there are
curiously few snakes , possibly because the spiders have killed them all.

But even the spiders won't go near the sea. Any visitors should be careful
to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats (before
sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for
this task.

At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus - estranged relative
of the mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter's tail, webbed feet, lays eggs,
detects its aquatic prey in the same way as the electric eel and has
venomous barbs attached to its hind legs, thus combining all 'typical'
Australian attributes into a single improbable creature.

Then there is the Kangaroo - a big beast who hops around on his big hind
legs and his enormous tail. Don't go too near as if you upset him he will
stand on his enormous tail, box you with his fists and kick the hell out of
you with his two big hind feet. The females hop around with baby joeys in
their pouch and for some unknown reason they never tend to fall out, no
matter how fast mum is hopping.

You have all possibly heard of the cuddly Koala Bear, who really isn't a
bear at all, but don't argue with an Aussie about the authenticity of one
of their favourites not really being a bear. This cute looking animal can
climb gum trees at lightening speed and some with a baby on their back.
They live on eucalyptus leaves from the gum trees, these are rather
intoxicating, so don't try them, and the koalas always appear to have a
smirky smile on the face and look like they are about to go to sleep and
fall out of their tree.

The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants.

First, a short history:

Sometime around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived in boats from the
north.. They ate all the available food, and a lot of them died. The ones
who survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man's proper place
in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in and spent a lot of
the intervening time making up strange stories.

Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north. More
accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged and stupid
people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in autumn (failing to
take account of the reversal of the seasons when moving from the top half
of the planet to the bottom), ate all their food, and a lot of them died.

About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is
interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves
vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie,
cheat, steal, and litigate (marks of a civilised culture they say) -
whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the
middle of a vast red-hot desert,
equipped with a stick.

Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on Extended
Holiday and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by
the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person
can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of
their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking
inside your boots, every morning, for fatal surprises. They also picked up
the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift
for making up stories. Be warned.

There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the
nicest and best in the entire world. Although anyone actually venturing
into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish,
stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a
rock and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just
from the pain) and surfboarders.
However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.

As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would
expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial,
jolly, cheerful and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger.
Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems,
they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have
been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string, and mud.

Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'grass is
greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that
Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land
"Oz", "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country") and "Best
bloody place on earth, bar none, strewth." The irritating thing about this
is they may be right.

There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller, though. Do not, under
any circ*mstances, suggest that the beer is imperfect,
unless you are comparing it to another kind of Australian beer. Do not wear
a Hawaiian shirt.
Religion and Politics are fairly safe topics of conversation, (Australians
don't care too much about either) but Sport is a minefield.

The only correct answer to, "So, howdya' like our country, eh?" is "Best
(insert your own regional swear word here) country in the world!" It is
very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will 'adopt' you
on your first night, and take you to a pub where Australian Beer is served.
Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form of initiation rite.
You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing hangover, a foul
taste in your mouth, and wearing strange clothes.

Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and wave off any legal
difficulties with, "It's his first time in Australia, so we took him to the
pub", to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his notebook. Be
sure to tell the story of these events to every other Australian you
encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage and noting how strong
the beer was.

Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.

Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered the primary use
of electricity, which is air-conditioning and refrigerators.

Typical Australian sayings:-
* "G'Day!"
* "She'll be right mate."
* "and how do you like our sheilas?"

Tips to Surviving Australia:
* Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason WHATSOEVER.
* The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think
it is.
* Always carry a stick.
* Air-conditioning is imperative.
* Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained linguist
and extremely good in a fist fight.
* Wear thick socks.
* Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are
people nearby.
* If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at
all times, or you will die.
* Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always
a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.

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Can A Divorce Firm Have A Better Name?
 Click here

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Dog shame list
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Lost child.
A little Muslim kid, crying, can't find his mother in the supermarket.
The store attendant says, 'What does your mother look like?'
The kid says, "I have no f*cking idea."

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Sod the horse meat in burgers, this is a lot more worrying!!
 Click here

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A Perfectly Understood Aussie Road sign.
 Click here

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 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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It doesn't take long!!
 Click here

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Fastest selling car accessory in Liverpool
 Click here

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How can anyone NOT want grandchildren?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Mirrors on Quiet Waters
 Click here

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Any excuse will do
 Click here

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It didn't take long ...
 Click here

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Job vacancy
 Click here

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Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Valentine's Day in Townsville
 Click here

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Loco derailment photos : Ambrose-Epala section
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Here is what happens when that remote controlled loco in the middle of the
coal train doesn't get the command to shut down. No wonder the QLD
government wanted to sell this off to private enterprise.
 Click here Click here Click here

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Something for mining enthusiasts - Why do we need a Job Hazard Analysis?
 Click here

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Today's Bad Idea
 Click here

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How to recognize a female suicide bomber [XXX]
If you see a woman with a fuse, be very careful and call the police.
 Click here

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A dog dressed as two dogs carrying a present.
 Click here Click here

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Possibly the best for 2012, so say the Aussies
 Click here

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Floods
 Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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