Friday humour - February 08, 2013

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

Who's idea of purgatory is a 9 month election campaign ...

Our missing editor is no longer being pampered by a bevy of nurses and will
be back in the harness next month.

This weeks contributions are courtesy of Burnout, Dianne, Duke of Barsinov,
Mad Mick from Marwick, Mitta, Nottingham Smithie, Sack,
The Great Gussius, Whizzbang, and them other folk who wish to remain
forever unidentified.

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This is why Chinese products cost less!!
Hey Buddy...your kids/grandkid can do what?
 Click here

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"CHASING ICE" captures largest glacier calving ever filmed - OFFICIAL VIDEO
 Click here

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Amazing Antique Transforming Desk
Created before everything was computerized.
This desk was actually created as far back as the late 1700s by master
furniture craftsmen Abraham and David Roentgen. The desk certainly looks
ornate at first glance, but it's when its endless secret lockboxes and
drawers start to be revealed that you'll be truly impressed by the
craftsmanship behind it.
 Click here

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Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner.
On the first hole, he sliced into the rough.
His opponent heard him mutter, "Hoover!" under his breath.
On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard.
"Hoover!" again, a little louder this time.
On the third hole, a miracle occurred and Father Murphy's drive landed on
the green only six inches from the hole!
"Praise be to God!"
He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead
of going in.
"HOOVER!!!"
By this time, his opponent could not withhold his curiosity any longer, and
asked why the priest said "Hoover."
"It's the biggest dam I know." the priest replied.

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7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they
tested positive for WD40

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A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche ...

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Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Years Riots ...
Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty Runs Out Soon

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"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" and with tears
streaming down my face
I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!!

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2 Indian junkies accidental snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
They're both in hospital... one's in a korma ... the other's got a dodgy
tikka!

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The 100m final at the 2012 Olympics was just like any other Friday night in
Brixton.
You heard a gunshot followed by 8 black guys legging it!

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In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver,
bronze, copper, lead and anything else they could get their bloody hands on

-------------------------------

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a
middle aged couple from Weymouth

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Murmerations

No one knows why they do it. Yet each Autumn, thousands of starlings dance
in the twilight above England and Scotland. The birds gather in
shape-shifting flocks called murmurations, having migrated in the millions
from Russia and Scandinavia to escape winter's frigid bite. Scientists
aren't sure how they do it, either. The starlings' murmurations are
manifestations of swarm intelligence,
which in different contexts is practiced by schools of fish, swarms of bees
and colonies of ants. As far as I am aware, even complex algorithmic models
haven't yet explained the starlings' aerobatics, which rely on the tiny
birds' quicksilver reaction time of under 100 milliseconds to avoid aerial
collisions -- and predators -- in the giant flock.

Despite their tour de force in the dusky sky, starlings have declined
significantly in the UK in recent years, perhaps because of a decline in
suitable nesting sites. The birds still roost in several of Britain's rural
pastures, however, settling down to sleep (and chatter) after their evening
ballet.

Two young ladies were out for a late afternoon canoe ride and fortunately
one of them remembered to bring her video camera. What they saw was a
wonderful murmuration display, caught in the short video - URL is below.
Watch the variation of colour and intensity of the patterns that the birds
make in proximity to one other. And take a look at the girl in the bow of
the canoe watching the aerial display. Enjoy.
 Click here

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A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just
like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.

Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to
Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman.

He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis.

He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like
a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.

He was an amazing guy.

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered
everybody's birthday.

He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them
with.

He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street
blacks out.

But Frank Feldman, could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic
jams.

Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a
mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He
would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing
was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too-he was the perfect man! He
never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."

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The Things I Owe My Parents

1. My Parents taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE ..
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My Parents taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My Parents taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next
week!"

4. My Parents taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My Parents taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."

6. My Parents taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My Parents taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My Parents taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper"

9. My Parents taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My Parents taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My Parents taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My Parents taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My Parents taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My Parents taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My Parents taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have
wonderful parents like you do."

16. My Parents taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My Parents taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My Parents taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that
way."

19. My Parents taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My Parents taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My Parents taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My Parents taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My Parents taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My Parents taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favourite:

25. My Parents taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

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DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which
you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
'Oh sh--!'

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make expensive custom teak
mouldings too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the
more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after regular pliers to completely round off
bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand, and are valuable in the
creation of instant blood blisters.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
engine room, and ruining the fibreglass hull where the propeller shaft
struts mount when you want to remove an recalcitrant cutless bearing.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut
good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the
trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside
edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect, and the integrity of the mounting it
is attached to.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or
for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your
palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the
object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
such as rubber fenders, liquids in plastic bottles, costly pump gaskets,
refund checks, and most rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for
slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
garage while yelling 'Son of a beyotch!' (while in the initial stages of
aggravation) at the top of your lungs. The lexicon of curses tends to
elevate from there. It is also, most often,
the next tool that you will need.

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Enjoy these

 Click here
s

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The sequel
 Click here

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I was in a pet shop last week when I noticed a Muslim with the most
amazingly coloured parrot perched on his shoulder!

"Where did you get that from?" I asked,

Christmas Island, there's f!%#n thousands of them!" said the Parrot

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I woke for the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a Muslim
sneaking through next door's garden.

Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with
a shovel killing him instantly.

He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.

Astonished I got back into bed.

My wife said, 'darling you're shaking, what is it?'

'You'll never believe what I've just seen' I said,

'That Bastard next door has still got my bloody shovel'.

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If Dogs Worked in Offices
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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How to properly stack wood
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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The Defective Parrot.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little
perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy cr*p,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent,
and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your
perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I
wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see
it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand, and can speak English,
can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion,
sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really
ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford
that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants
me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make
the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour,
he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he
sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes,
'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I
should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the Austpost
man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a
sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'

'Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting
her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and
began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch.!'

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I was at the bar the other night and heard three girls with an
overabundance of flesh, talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello,
are you three lassies from Scotland ?"

One of them screeched, "It's WALES, you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from
Scotland ?"

And that's the last thing I remember ...

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Urban art.
 Click here

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Newspaper Headlines
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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Where Does the Next Medal Go?!!
 Click here
New style of body armour??

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Lance Armstong interview
 Click here

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Hockey Time Best Sign Ever . . .
 Click here
Gal with a sense of humour!

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Economics as done by Ross Greenwood on the back of a postage stamp
 Click here

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Mobile Art
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Just tried out my new Chinese made car!!
 Click here

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Incredible Dolls!
 Click here
Two artistic doll makers. Both brilliant but the second one has more
natural different expressions.
These dolls are so beautiful , and when you read all the information, you
realize why most kids don't have one!

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Curly, Larry & Mo
 Click here
Who remembers the Three Stooges?


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The best book ever written [XXX]
 Click here
I don't know the name of it, but it must be the best book ever written!

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Female soldiers of the world
 Click here

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This would have to be THE 2013 Election Poster.
 Click here

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Some Interesting Facts You Probably Didn't Know About Spiders!
 Click here Click here Click here
You have been warned.

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The s*xes in three stages ..
Women :-
 Click here Click here Click here
Men :-
 Click here Click here Click here

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Warning: As*holes are closer than they appear!
 Click here

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Armless [Xish]
 Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!

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[ End friday humour ]

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