Friday humour - February 01, 2013

From Burnout @ Bluehaze,
Well an election called for September 14, 2013. So the longest Election
Campaign in the History of the Federation.
Lots of luck to those of you who would like to survive till then.

Thought most of you might want to look at this one below from Billy Bunter
of Adelaide. Good Stuff Billy!

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From: Billy Bunter of Adelaide
Subject: Wear Your Seatbelt


This is the new "wear your seatbelt" ad the UK is doing - started by some
dude not hired to do it, but because the cause is important to him, he came
up with this idea, and now it's being hailed across the world as a
"beautiful" commercial.


This video has become so popular with the general public that people are
forwarding it to friends/family on their own, so quickly that it has spread
all over the world in a very short time.


Check out this remarkable ad:

 Click here


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From: Anonymous3
Subject: BODY PART REPAIR


See how they put you back together.

This is beautifully done, from a retired surgeon.


 Click here


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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Wife Texts Hubby

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:
"Windows frozen."

Husband texts back:
"Pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer really screwed up now."


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From: Anonymous3
Subject: What Happens After closing Hours At Pearl Harbor?


Something you might like to see.


 Click here


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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Whites Only Laundry - humor!


 Click here


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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Catholic vocabulary


This information is for Catholics only.  It must not be divulged to
non-Catholics.

The less they know about our rituals and top secret code words, the better
off they are.


AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.


BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.


CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to
lip-sync.


HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.


HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that
of the congregation's range.


RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly,
since most of the people have already left.


INCENSE: Holy Smoke!


JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with
good basketball teams.


JONAH: The original 'Jaws' story.


JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.


KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize
besides gyros and baklava. (for you non-Catholics it means Lord have mercy)


MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.


MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an
HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been
rough.)


PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.


PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of
altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.


RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass consisting
of altar servers, the celebrant and led by parishioners trying to beat the
crowd to the parking lot.


RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know
when to sit, kneel, and stand.


TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David
Letterman.


USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity
of a pew.


Little known facts about the Catholic Church in  Las Vegas:


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.·´¯`·..
><((((º>`·.¸¸.·´¯`·...¸><((((º>`·.¸¸.·´¯`·...¸><((((º>


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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Ford Air Conditioners

Every once in a while, a little bit of historical trivia comes to light.


Did you know???? The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile
Air Conditioner. Here's a little factoid for automotive buffs or just to
dazzle your friends.


The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented
and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.


On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The four
brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his
secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most
exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. Henry
was curious and invited them into his office.


They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their
car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees,
turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately. The old
man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered
them $3 million for the patent.


The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they
wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,'
on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed. Now old man Ford
was more than just a little anti - Semitic, and there was no way he was
going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.


They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4
million and that just their first names would be shown. And so to this day,
all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.


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From: Burnout
Subject: Aussie Quiz


 Click here


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From: Burnout
Subject: Dead Crows


The Government of Queensland found about 200 dead crows near Ipswich last
autumn, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

They hired a Bird Pathologist to examine the remains of all the crows, and
the test results showed it was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's
relief.

However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with
trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact. The government then hired an
Ornithological Behaviourist (Dale Caswell) to determine why there was a
disproportionate percentage for truck versus car kill.

The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order. He
concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out Crow
in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

His study results and conclusion was that the lookout crow could warn the
other crows by saying "Cah", but the crow could not say "Truck."


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From: Burnout
Subject: History in 2 Minutes


It's a final project by a high school student.
It's worth watching a couple of times......excellent.

 Click here


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From: Cartographer Chris
Subject: Working girl in Vegas


A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas
hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks
the hooker, "How much do you charge?"

The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

The guy says,"$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy cr*p! No hand-job is worth
that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those..

And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once.. I'll give it a try.."

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on
the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime,
worth every bit of $500.

He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"


The hooker replies, "$1,500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that
casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it
because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put
off the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can
scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides
to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable
experience.
He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you
something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before
us: All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces & shows?"
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No," the hooker replies, "but I would... if I had a pussy."


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From: Dianne
Subject: Invisible animals......................


 I had to look really hard a couple times and twice had to read the
captions to see what I was looking for...........great nature and great
photographer.


 Click here


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From: Dianne
Subject: 50 Shades of Grey in Rhyme


My missus bought a paperback
In Asda, Sat*rday.
I had a look inside the bag -
'Twas "Fifty Shades of Grey".


Well I just left her to it, see,
And went off up to bed.
An hour later, she appeared
Oh, the sight filled me with dread.


In her hand she held a rope,
The other, held a whip.
She brandished them around a bit
And then began to strip.


Well, forty years ago
I might have had a peek.
But Doris hasn't weathered well -
She's sixty-eight next week.


Watching Doris bump and grind
Couldn't be much grimmer.
And things progressed from bad to worse -
She toppled off her Zimmer .


She struggled back up to her feet
A good half hour later,
Put her teeth back in and said
That I must dominate her.


Now if you knew our Doris, see,
You'd know just why I cringed.
I'd been two months in traction, 'cos
My hips and knees unhinged.


She stood there nude. All naked, like,
Bent forward quite a bit and, jumping back in fright, I went
And stood on her left t*t.


Doris screamed, her teeth shot out,
My word. What HAD I done ?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out
"Step on the OTHER one"


Well reader, I can tell no more
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say, my dark brown hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.


Black and blue, battered too,
With wanton, wild perversion,
We decided that a night of sin
Was scarce worth such exertion.


Thank Heavens she has binned the book
And peace reigns, like before.
She's head to toe in winceyette
And back to back, we snore.


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From: Diks
Subject: YOU will want to know this................................

All 13 minerals required to sustain human life can be found in alcoholic
beverages.

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From: Diks
Subject: Embarrassed?


A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside
you?"

The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH
YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly
embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and
said: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you
felt embarrassed, right?"

The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO
MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl who was now in shock.
The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw
people."


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From: Diks
Subject: THE BEAUTY OF MATHEMATICS


This is an amazing presentation.........I hope you enjoy it as much as I
did..............

This is really neat,  you have to watch to the end to really get the
message.


JUST LET IT SCROLL AUTOMATICALLY;
SIT BACK & WATCH THE NUMBERS..AMAZING!

The Beauty of  Mathematics...  
 Click here

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From: Duke of Barsinov
 Subject: Tesco Burgers

If you think Tesco's horse burgers are bad, you should try
Asda's quarter pandas.

I bet Tesco's are hating being saddled with all this

I regret those Tesco burgers now. They've given me the trots.

Horse burger in Tesco. What's next my Lidl pony?

A cow walks into a bar. Barman says 'why the long face?' Cow says 'Illegal
ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!

Tesco Quarter Pounders: The affordable way to buy your daughter the pony
that she's always wanted.

Was in Tesco cafe earlier and the waitress asked if I wanted anything on my
burger, so I had a fiver each way

Just heard that have found horse meat in Tesco burgers.
What are the odds on that?

Just checked my Tesco burgers in the fridge, and they're off..

I selected some burgers on the Tesco website, I then clicked on "add to
cart"

Can't help thinking that Tesco's latest burger product recalls are a case
of closing the stable door after the horse has been bolted

I've found it tough lately working on the Tesco meat counter, I feel like
I'm flogging a dead horse.

Love the Tesco burger gags. Just had one myself, enjoyed it - but still got
a bit between my teeth

Just cooked myself a Tesco burger. Soft to firm it was

I think I had Tesco burger last night by mistake. Never again, had terrible
night mares

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From: KRP
Subject: This Made Me Laugh


Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the
celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn
of last century.  Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were
in good condition?"

"Yes" says Paddy; "Sticks".


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From: Mitta
Subject: New DUI test in Canada

 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject:  GLOBALISATION


Question : What is the truest definition of Globalisation?
Answer : Princess Diana's death.


Question : How come?
Answer : An English princess  with An Egyptian boyfriend
Crashes in a French Tunnel, driving a German car
With a Dutch engine, Driven by a Belgian Who was drunk
On Scottish whisky, check the bottle before you change the spelling),
Followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by An Australian, using Bill Gates's USA technology,
and you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese
Chips,  and a Korean monitor, Assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a 
Singapore  plant, Transported by Indian truck-drivers,
Hijacked by Indonesians, Unloaded by Maltese wharfies,
and trucked to you by Kiwi freeloaders

That, my friends, is Globalisation!


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From: Sack
Subject:  A Hindu, rabbi, and a lawyer...


On a trip together, a Hindu, a rabbi and a lawyer stop at a farmhouse and
ask to stay the night.

There is a space for two, but one will have to sleep in the barn.

"I'll go" the Hindu volunteers. A few minutes later, the lawyer and the
rabbi hear a knock.

"There is a cow in the barn," the Hindu says. "A cow is sacred, and I can't
sleep with a sacred beast."

"No problem, I can do it," the rabbi says, grabbing his pillow. But minutes
later, the rabbi knocks.

"There is a pig in the barn. It's an unclean animal -- my belief forbids me
to be near such a creature."

With a tired sigh, the lawyer heads out. Almost immediately, there is a
third knock at the door.

The cow and the pig are at the door.


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From: Sack
Subject:  DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

(Or the uncertainty of the English language)


Two guys were discussing popular family trends on s*x, marriage, and family
values. Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did
you?' Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'


A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
intelligence come from?' The father replied.  'Well, son, you must have got
it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'


'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife £775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then
I'll try to send her a few pounds myself..'


A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took
the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good
with the kids.'


An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has 
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'


Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.


A blonde calls British Airways and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll
take to fly from London to New York City?' The agent replies, 'Just a
minute.'  'OK Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.


Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun!  What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know.  But it sure made a hole in Juan.'


Burt: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Burt: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'


A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks
him how he is feeling. Im okay, but I didn't like the four letter words the
doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse. 'Oops!'


While shopping for holiday clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits.  It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I
had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.


The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of
thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even
more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, looks like
she's there.'


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From: Sack
Subject: A Sharing Marriage

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one
half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two
piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down
between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people
around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford
is one meal for the two of them.'

As thean began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely
offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were
just fine - they were used to sharing everything


People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
  She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns
sipping the drink.


Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal
for them.
This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing
everything.'


Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the  
napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to
  eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'


She answered --   'THE TEETH.'


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From: Sack
Subject: Why We Oppose Votes for Men

1. BECAUSE a n's place is the armory.

2. Because no really manly man wants to settle any question otherwise than
by fighting about it.

3. Because if men should adopt peaceable methods women will no longer look
up to them.

4. Because men will lose their charm if they step out of their natural
sphere and interest themselves in other matters than feats of arms,
uniforms and drums.

5. Because men are too emotional to vote. Their conduct at baseball games
and political conventions shows this, while their innate tendency to appeal
to force renders them peculiarly unfit for the task of government.

From the book Are Women People? by Alice Duer Miller, 1915.


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From: Sack
Subject:  South Florida burglary


When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized
recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left
his Rolex watch. What they did take, however, was a white box filled with a
grayish-white powder. (That's the way the police report described it.) A
spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said that it looked similar to
high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time.
Later, Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the
burglars: 'Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She
died three years ago.' The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a
local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep.
The white box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained.
Scotch taped to the box was this note which said: Hoochie sold us the bogus
blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings.
Have a nice day. And you thought California was the land of fruits and
nuts. -----

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Donald Trump


Donald Trump was invited to address a major gathering of the American
Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York

He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every Native
American's present standard of living. He referred to how he had supported
every Native American issue that came to the news media.

Although Mr Trump was vague about the details of his plans, he seemed most
enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about his ideas for helping his "red
sisters and brothers."

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented him with a plaque
inscribed with his new Indian name, "Walking Eagle."

The proud Mr Trump accepted the plaque and then departed in his motorcade
to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the
new name they had given to the "want-to-be" Presidential Candidate.

They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of
sh*t it can no longer fly.


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From: Seasoldier
Subject: A HARLEY AND A JAR OF VASELINE


Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.
He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a
'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great
condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is
outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain.' (true story)

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to
tell you something about my family before we go in.'
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the
dishes.'
'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.
Joe is shocked.

Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty
dishes.
n the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.
Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks.
Dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table
and screws her, right there in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her
mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom.
'She's got a great body,' he thinks.
So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her
panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner
table.

After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly
beaming.

But still.... Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouted.

Alright, Alright, I'll do the f*ckin dishes!!


    Happy Trails To You


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From: Seasoldier
 Subject: lawyers

        A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out
of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got
the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not
hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the
Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he
brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
        The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks
he embezzled from me is."
        The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the
money is.
        The bookkeeper signs back , "I don't know what you are talking
about."
        The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what
you're talking about."
        ... The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it the bookkeeper's
temple and says, "Ask him again!"
        The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you if you don't
tell him!"
        The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"
        The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"
        The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the
trigger."
        Lawyers...You gotta love 'em.


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From: The Great Gussius
Subject: Gotta love D*ck


 Click here


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From: The Great Gussius
Subject: The Irish v French

 Click here


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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  Muslim Band


I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night.
They were called Bomb Jovi.  They were brilliant.
Their last song Living on a Prayer Mat almost brought the house down.
Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran
on dvd.
I was interested so I asked him, “Can you burn me a copy?

Well that was when the trouble started


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From: Allnutts
Subject: 90/10 Principle

Read it - it's excellent and so true.
  Then, when something upsets you, you just have to say to yourself,
"90/10" and it puts it all in perspective.

This took me less than a minute to read and is a great reminder of an
EXCELLENT, simple principle.

 Click here

 Click here

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: These should brighten your day!


 Click here

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: DOG HUMOR
"Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened."


 Click here

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Teacher


 Click here


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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Deer Hunting After The Obama Gun Ban


 Click here


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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Preparing to meet the new dog


 Click here

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: The Ocean as you have never seen it.]

This is in HD, 3D. I hope your computer can view it that way.

ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS EVER!

The ocean as you have never seen it.

(GO FULL SCREEN)

 Click here

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From: Cartographer Chris
Subject: 2013 FORD


 Click here


Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for
women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the
'Cl*taurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able
to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is
and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can
be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold
winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and
horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have
curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for
fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are
baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint
may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it
is best to lease one, and replace it each year.


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From: Dianne
Subject: How to make a woman happy


It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a s*xologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
*


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol


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From: Diks
Subject: Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing one morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth.
Frogs are good bass bait.


Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him
right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to
release the snake without getting bit.
So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its
mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp.
I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using
the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that damn snake,
with two more frogs.


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From: Diks
Subject: Now what was that you wanted..............

 Click here

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From: Diks
Subject: Clinton Library - Official Portrait


 Click here


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From: Diks
Subject: Fake singing.....fake president..............


 Click here


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From: Diks
Subject: CRASH OF 1959 CHEVY WITH 2009 CHEVY


 Click here


Still think your old tank was safe.........................


NO SOUND, but the video is enough. How many times have you heard: "I wish
they would make cars the way they did in the old days."  You know how we
always think about what big huge tanks the old cars of the 50's and 60's
were for size?  And how we talk about how there is so much plastic on the
new cars that if one of the old tanks ever collided with a new car, the new
car would be demolished?    Well, someone in the insurance industry put
that theory to the test.  Be sure to watch to the end to see the overhead
view - and the assessment of driver injury.    Fasten your seat belts.


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From: Sack
Subject: PHOTOS - THE BRUTALITY AND BEAUTY OF AUSTRALIA'S CHANGING SEASONS

Some are terrifying, some are awe inspiring - all are beautiful.

These images, showing the elements at their wildest and most magnificent,
have been released in a new calendar.
Each year the Bureau of Meteorology and Australian Meteorological and
Oceanographic Society organises a competition for the best weather pictures


    January: An electrical storm perfectly complements fireworks launched
to mark Australia Day 2012 celebrations in Perth, in a stunning shot by
Matthew Titmanis
 Click here


    February: A thunderstorm sweeps over the Melbourne suburb of Carrum
Downs, captured by Flavio Bonicelli
 Click here


    March: Sunset highlights streets of stratoc*mulus over Buninyong,
central Victoria by Keith Day
 Click here


    April: Majesty and threat - A c*mulonimbus with anvil seen beyond wind
turbines at Burra, SA by photographer Helen Simpson
 Click here


    May: Ship in sea fog off McCrae, Port Phillip Bay, Victoria, by
photographer Meredith Banhidi
 Click here


    June: In the wake of a thunderstorm, hail blankets paddocks at Marong,
Victoria by John Allen
 Click here


    July: A squall line associated with a thunderstorm over Era Beach,
south of Sydney by photographer Bruce Cooper
 Click here


    August: The ethereal beauty of a mist bow and fog at Mount Anne in
Tasmania by Grant Dixon
 Click here


    September: A massive dust storm rolls over the Arkaroola Wilderness
Sanctuary in the northern Flinders Ranges of South Australia, in this
stunning photograph by Peter MacDonald
 Click here


    October: A thunderstorm threatens the Gold Coast, Queensland by
photographer Ann Van Breemen
 Click here


    November: The shadows of c*mulus clouds dapple the parallel dunes of
the Simpson Desert by Steve Strike
 Click here


    December: Lightning illuminates a c*mulonimbus cloud over Corio Bay,
Victoria by James Collier
 Click here


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From: Sack
Subject: Pasedema - Festival des roses 30 08 2010 USA


 Click here


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From: Sack
Subject:   The Dubai Aquarium - Nothing Like It In The World !


 Click here


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From: Sack
Subject: Colgate's ingenious advertising campaign


 Click here

 Click here

 Click here


          Colgate have created a very ingenious advertising campaign to
promote their dental floss, but before I explain to you the main detail of
these images, I will let you appreciate them quietly~


          Alright, now that you had time to quietly observe the images, in
the first one you will now notice that she has one finger too many in her
hand, in the second one a phantom arm is floating there, and in the third
one the man has only one ear...


          The campaign attained its purpose, because it proved that food
remains on your teeth draw more attention than any physical defect...


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From: Sack
Subject: Only in Canada

 Click here

Without the picture, this would be hard to believe.
Read below the picture . . .


Pogo Moose Incident - Bracebridge, Ont, Canada - 1 hr. 45 min. north of 
Toronto.

They were laying new power cables which were strung on the ground for
miles.
The moose are rutting right now and very agitated.
This one was thrashing around and got his antlers stuck in the cables.
When the men (miles away) began pulling the lines up with their big
equipment, the moose went up with them.

They noticed excess tension in the lines and went searching for the
problem.
The moose was still alive when they lowered him to the ground.

He was a huge 60-inch bull and more than slightly p*ssed!'


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From: Sack
Subject: Urban Philosophy


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From: Sack
Subject:  VIRGIN?...

 Click here

 Click here

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 Click here


 Click here

 Click here

 Click here


                      Oh, Sh*t!


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From: Sack
Subject:   Photos d'Afrique


 Click here


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From: Sack
Subject:  Fleuriste Oui mais quel talent


 Click here


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From: Seasoldier
Subject:  3 REASONS TO LIVE IN A WARM CLIMATE (X - ED)

ONE
 Click here

and The Other Two
 Click here


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From: The Great Gussius
Subject: Nelson Mandela, Sculpture


 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here


It consists of 50 ten metre high laser cut steel plates set into the
landscape, representing the 50 year anniversary of when and where Nelson
Mandela was captured and arrested, on August 6, 1962 prior to his 27 years
of incarceration.  Standing at a particular point the columns come into
focus and the image of Nelson Mandela can be seen.

The sculptor is Marco Cianfanelli, of Johannesburg .


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From: The Great Gussius
Subject: one liners

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the
night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it
home OK!


The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a s*x movie
last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her
part.


I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next cr*p could spell
disaster.


My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I
should have taken them off.


I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay"
as she likes to call it.


After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were
going to commit suicide yesterday.
But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot
better. So I thought, “F*ck it, soldier on!”


I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got
downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not
breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered
McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.


Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last
night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.


The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told
her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"


My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed,
"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"


A girl I know said the last time she had s*x, it was like the men's Olympic
100 meter final. I laughed,
"Over in 9.5 seconds?"
"No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."


A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I
masturbated while thinking about my sister.” “That's a disgrace,”
said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”


A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this
country so that they can see their own doctor.


I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look
like she's moving during s*x.


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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Sign of the the times


 Click here


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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  3 little pigs


This a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is.
They think so logically.

 Click here


A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.


She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the
building materials for his home.


She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of
straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build
my house?'


The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man
said?'


One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...


'I think the man would have said - 'Well, F*ck me!! A talking pig!'


The teacher had to leave the room.


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From: Whizzbang (XX-ED)
Subject:  Xmas lights.
Don't think I won the lights comp this year.......

 Click here


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From: anonymous
Subject: cats and dogs


 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Quote of the Week:

The moment of victory is much too short to live for that and nothing else.

- Martina Navratilova.



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[ End friday humour ]

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