Friday humour - January 25, 2013

Gussius @ Bluehaze

Contrasting this week’s wall to wall media coverage of the Obama
inauguration, in Oz we are usually blessed with just 30 seconds of TV as
our head honcho is sworn in. No pomp and ceremony or noisy crowds
Downunder, if you overlook the bleating from the sheep and those in
opposition.

Then there was Lance Armstrong imitating Richard Nixon’s gold medal
performance in telling pork pies.
Cycling now needs a new spokes-man/ idol. Any takers with some sense of
values and without lawyers on their payroll?

Contributions this week are from Allnutts, Anonymous3, Billy Bunter of
Adelaide, Burnout, Dianne, Duke of
Barsinov, KRP, Sack, Cartographer Chris, Diks, Seasoldier, Whizzbang and
the lovely anonymous.

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Norwegian Atlantic Road:

View in full screen - excellent photography.
How would you like the job of building this road??!!!

The road is built on several small islands and reefs, and is crossed by
eight bridges, several roads and overpasses.  This road has a view of the
open sea, which is rare on the roads along the Norwegian coast.
You can see fjords and mountains near the road.

The spectacular road quickly became a tourist attraction,  precautions
should be displayed while driving,
because of the attendance of the road by the local population and visitors.

Imagine you are driving.

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Family:

I think we can all relate to this one.

My wife hosted a dinner party for family far and wide and everyone was
encouraged to bring all their children as well.

All during dinner my four-year-old niece stared at me sitting across from
her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.

I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in
place but nothing stopped her from staring at me. I tried my best to just
ignore her but finally it was too much for me.

I finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went quiet
for her response.

My little niece said "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

New Bull On The Farm:

I Recently Spent $2500 On A Young Black Angus Bull. I Put Him Out With The
Herd But He Just Ate Grass And Wouldn't Even Look At A Cow. I Was Beginning
To Suspect He Was Gay, If That's Possible With A Bull. Anyhow, I Had The
Vet
Come Have A Look At Him. He Said The Bull Was Very Healthy, But Possible A
Little Young, So He Gave Me Some Pills To Feed Him Once Per Day.

Holy Cr*p. The Bull Started To Service The Cows Within Two Days. All Of My
Cows! He Even Broke Through The Fence And Bred All My Neighbor's Cows! He's
Been Breeding Just About Everything In Sight. He's Like A Machine!"

I Don't Know What The Heck Was In The Pills The Vet Gave Him, But They
Taste
Kinda Like Peppermint.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Modern Samurai cuts BB pellet shot at him with a sword (and MORE!):

Put aside your cynic-self, and watch these videos to be AMAZED!

 Click here (English programme)


Watch him cut a baseball shot at him with a launcher, and a BB shot with a
rifle:

 Click here (Japanese programme, skip to

5:05 for the good parts)

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

1901 CAR RACE:

Interesting.
Some really good footage and history

The Auto Race that changed the future; Detroit, Oct. 1901

Love the ending.

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The GM tunnel of love in Detroit:

Welcome to the GM tunnel of love in Detroit . Even the public and the media
weren't allowed in this building. Very few people know it exists.

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

And they're off...:

99% of people in the UK say they haven't been affected by eating horse
meat.
That's according to a gallop poll

29% of the meat content in Tesco's hamburgers turns out to be horse?! No
wonder they gave me the trots!

Are you in favour of Horsemeat in your burgers? Yay or Neigh?

I expect this only relates to those mini-burgers you have as snacks. You
know, the horse d'oeuvres.

Those Aldi horse burgers were nice, but I prefer My Lidl Pony

Shocking news. Tesco own brand value hamburgers have been found to have
traces of real MEAT in them.

Turns out the horses were s*xually assaulted before being turned into
burgers police say their main suspect is jimmy saddle

So a man goes to his fridge to cook his beef burgers aaaaandd there're
off!!

Breaking news Tesco to launch a new line of burgers for kids called "My
Little Pony"

Horseburgers....Essential to maintaining a stable diet.

Camel toes have been found in Tesco leggings'

What do you put on a burger? A fiver each way!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Buggers...:

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

BEST BARTENDER JOKE:

An Ex-Lawyer, a Lesbian, a Pathological Liar, a Fraudster, and a Communist
walk into a BAR. The Bartender asks....  

"Now, what'll it be, Ms. Gillard?"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Really beautiful:

EACH FLOWER IS FILMED FOR TWO DAYS; PHOTOS ARE THEN COLLATED WITHIN 7
MINUTES TO GET THIS EFFECT

 Click here

It took me for ever but I hope you enjoy it. The best things in life are
freeeeee

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Aeronautical Equivalent Of The Postie Bike:

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Why you should always be late for work:

Slept in, then was delayed dropping the kids off at school.
What have we learned here boys and girls?

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

How Can You NOT Love Dogs:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Chased by a fish!:

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Holy Sh*t:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

XXXX Beer...:

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Latest fashion:

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Happy Newde Year From The Hooters Girls: xxx

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Happy Nude Year from the Hooters Girls

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Really?:

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

How to Make a Baby Rated "G":

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

      Canadian photographer Patrice Laroche surely will have no trouble
explaining his kids about the birds and the bees. During his wife Sandra
Denis's pregnancy, the artist created hilarious explanatory photo series
titled "How to Make a Baby".

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

New Sub-Species Discovery:

 Click here

They are referred to as homo slackass-erectusť created by natural genetic
downward evolution through constant spineless posturing and spasmodic upper
limb gestures, which new research has shown to cause shorter legs and an
inability to ambulate other than in an awkward shuffling gait. The
"drag-crotch" shape also seems to effect brain function. Expect no eye
contact or intelligent verbal communication. History shows that this
species mostly receives food stamps and full government care. Unfortunately
most are highly fertile.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Bugger the parking inspector !:

 Click here

This is what you can do when they put a wheel clamp on your car for a
parking offence  
Give that man a case of Beer

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

What Older People do:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

This is what OLDER people do during the day with their spare time!

    Repurpose Old Barrels Into a Drum Set

    Repurpose a Card Catalogue Into a Mini Bar

    Use Old Books as Shelves

    Turn an Old Bike Into a Bathroom Counter

    Reuse Ketchup Bottles as a Pancake Squirter

    Repurpose Old CD Holders Into A Bagel Storage Device

    Fill a Box With Skewers and it Becomes an All-Purpose Knife Block

    Turn an Old Door Frame Into a Coffee Table

    Transform a Chair into a Towel Rack and Shelf

    Turn An Old Bathtub Into a Love Seat

    Use Old Lego Pieces As a Key Holder

    Use Your Old Computer Tower as a Mail Box

    Reuse Old Kleenex Boxes as Bag Dispensers

    Turn an Old Mini Fridge Into a TV Stand and Storage Unit

    Upcycle Old Light Bulbs Into Candles

    Repurpose an Old Suitcase Into a Medicine Cabinet

    Use Paperclips to Organize Your Cables

    Use An Old Hanging Shoe Rack to Organize Your Pantry

    Use Old Books to Create a Desk

    Turn Old Bulletin Boards into a Jewelry Organizer (OR Tell Your
Girlfriend To)

    Turn Old Tennis Rackets Into Mirrors

    Turn Old Credit Cards Into Guitar Picks

    Create a Window Cover Using Old Picture Slides

    Turn Old Suitcases Into Side Tables

    Turn Old Wrenches Into Wall Hooks

    Use Old CD Cases to Store and Organize Cables

    Upcycle Old Mugs, Bottles and Bowls Into Light Fixtures

    Reuse Toilet Paper Rolls to Organize Cables and Chords

    Use Old Picture Frame Corners Like Tiles

    Use a Pipe with Valves as a Coat Rack

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

How to tell the s*x of a bird:

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Woodman:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

With a block of wood & a knife most people couldn't even carve their
initials.  Check these out.

Can you believe what this man has done with wood?
Amazing Talent! Wonder what he does in his spare time????

Wooden you like to know!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

SNOWBALLS - THIS SHOULD COOL YOU DOWN:

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

This is How a Man's House Should Look:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

 THIS IS HOW A MAN’S HOUSE SHOULD LOOK? (Check out the "silverware")!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Let's Hope This Happens To All Of Us!:

 Click here

Toward  the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked,  "How  many of
you have forgiven your enemies?"
80%  held up their hands.

The  Minister then repeated his question. All responded  this time, except
one man, an avid golfer named
Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.

"Mr.  Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see
you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I  don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr.  Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are  you?"

"Ninety-eight,"  he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped  their
hands.

"Oh,  Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front  & tell us all how a
person can  live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in  the world?"

The  old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in  front of the pulpit,
turned  around, faced the congregation, and said simply –

"I outlived the bastards."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Is Your Computer Speed Slow:

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

About Lance Armstrong:

 Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Atheism:

 Click here Click here Click here
AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheist was walking through the woods. 'What majestic trees, what
powerful rivers and what beautiful animals!', he said to himself. As he
continued he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw
that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again and
the bear was closer still, then he tripped and fell on the ground. He
rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of
him,
reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny
my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even
credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of
this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light. 'It would be hypocritical of me
to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could
make the BEAR a Christian?'

'Very well', said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped
his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

'For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful,
Amen.'

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Going cheap in Australia:

 Click here

Tramps are feeling the economic downturn. In Melbourne, you can now buy a
complete one outright,
not by the hour like in the good old days.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Pet Smiles:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

To pet lovers everywhere

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Glad to be a father again!:

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Never trust an I-talian:

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Dog & Kitty Smile-Makers:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___



--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (January 18, 2013)  Index Next (February 01, 2013)