Friday humour - January 18, 2013

From Gussius @ Bluehaze

I trust that everyone is back to the salt mines and now recovered from
Christmas credit card overload.
Residual effects of holiday merriment are no doubt rapidly receding.

Contribs this week are from Anonymous3, Billy Bunter of Adelaide, Burnout,
Digi Steve, Diks, Duke of
Barsinov, KRP, Sack, Seasoldier, The Great Gussius, Cartographer Chris, KRP
and Whizzbang.

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Excellent Historical Photos Of The Hindenburg Disaster:

Over the years there have been photos of the Hindenburg but not like these.
These photographs are truly amazing. Look at each one carefully. The aerial
shots are near perfect.

The dock side service. The fellow in front wearing the light uniform has
the ultimate look and composure of a committed Nazi. And...this is 1937. We
were all suffering from a critical case of intellectual torpor.

Be sure to click on the link in photo 22 to see the 'newsreel' film of the
crash.   There is a movie news short .

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Quality control:

A chap goes for an interview at a Durex factory in the Quality Control
department. He does well at the interview, and management arrange for the
Foreman to show him around the factory.

"What exactly will my job be?" he enquires of the Foreman.

"Well" replied the Foreman "You have to check one in every hundred", and
proceeds to remove one condom from the production line, stretches it, holds
it up to the light, and calls one of the secretaries over.

The girl lifts up her skirt, drops her knickers and bends over. The Foreman
stretches the condom over his todger, and gives her a good rogering.
Afterwards, he holds the condom up to the light, again to confirm no holes.

"Easy as that" says the Foreman

"When do I start" replied the interviewee.

"8.00 a.m. sharp Monday morning" said the Foreman.

All weekend the chap was in a mood of keen anticipation, and at last Monday
morning came. He was standing outside the factory gates at 7.30, and at 8
o'clock got straight down to work checking the condoms as they moved along
the production line.

He eventually counted 100, picked out number 101, and called over to one of
the secretaries.

One of the girls walked straight over to him, undid his trousers, and put
the condom on his erect manhood She then began to vigorously masturbate
him.

He was quite disappointed, and told the secretary that this was not what he
expected at all.

"No" she replied "but you have to work a week in hand first"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Great site for updates on your Land Rover:

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Two Blokes and the Barber:

Tim Matheson, the First Bloke and Tony Abbott somehow ended up at the
same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different
barber, not a word was spoken. 

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would
turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Tim in his
chair reached for the aftershave. Tim was quick to stop him jokingly
saying,
"No thanks, Julia will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Abbott and said, "How about you" Mr. Abbott?"

Abbott replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a
brothel smells like".

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Kev's a Saint:

Last Sat*rday afternoon, in Canberra, an aide to Kevin Rudd visited the
Bishop of the Catholic cathedral in Canberra.

He told the Cardinal that Kevin would be attending the next day's Mass, and
he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point him out to the congregation and
say a few words that would include calling Kevin a saint.

The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the man, and there are
issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of his views."

Rudd's aide then said, "Look, I'll write a cheque here and now for a
donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation
you see Kevin as a saint."

The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the
money,
so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."

As the aide promised, Kevin Rudd appeared for the Sunday worship and seated
himself prominently at the forward left side of the centre aisle.

As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Mr
Rudd was present.

The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While Mr Rudd's
presence is probably an honour to some, the man is not numbered among my
personal favourite personages

Some of his most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and
he tends to flip-flop on many other issues.

Kevin Rudd is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a
nit-wit.

He is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief.

I must say, Kevin Rudd is the worst example of a Christian I have ever
personally witnessed.

He married for money and is using his wealth to lie to the Australian
people.

He also has a reputation for shirking his representative obligations both
in
Canberra, in Queensland and overseas ... The man is simply not to be
trusted."

The Cardinal concluded, "But, when compared with Prime Minister Gillard,
Kevin Rudd is a saint."
 
  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Gorilla protection:

THE AMERICAN GUN NUTS HAVE TAKEN IT ONE STEP FURTHER. GORILLA PROTECTION:

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Andy Rooney:

This guy had a fantastic outlook on life...should be more like him !!!!

These are great!

ANDY ROONEY ON S*X!

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good
memory....
I don't remember which I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a s*x object. Every time you ask for s*x, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't'
and
'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on
earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try
Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having s*x is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner,
you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone s*x once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
     Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy
with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
     Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
     Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men
still sleep with their wives!

Send to the men who need a laugh and the women with a good sense of humour!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

College Football Humor:

Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the
meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't
know the meaning of a lot of words."
________________________________________

Why do Clemson fans wear orange?

So they can dress that way for the game on Sat*rday, go hunting on Sunday,
and pick up trash on Monday.
________________________________________

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?

Drool.
________________________________________

How many Michigan State freshmen football players does it take to change a
light bulb?

None. That's a sophomore course.
________________________________________

How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?

The cow fell on him.
________________________________________

Two Washington football players were walking in the woods.

One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."

The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
________________________________________

A University of Cincinnati football player was almost killed yesterday in a
tragic horseback-riding accident.

He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death.

Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse.
________________________________________

What do you say to a University of Miami Hurricane* football player dressed
in a three-piece suit?

"Will the defendant please rise."
____________________________________

If three Florida State football players are in the same car,
who is driving?

The police officer.
________________________________________

How can you tell if a Tennessee football player has a girlfriend?

There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
_________________________________________

What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?

A full set of teeth.
________________________________________

University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke is only going to dress half of his
players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress
themselves.
________________________________________

How is the Indiana football team like an opossum?

They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
________________________________________

Why did the University of Tennessee linebacker steal a police car?

He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
________________________________________

How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza.
________________________________________

What are the longest three years of a University of Kentucky football
player's life?

Freshman I, Freshman II, and Freshman III.
________________________________________

When the Mississippi football player listed his Church affiliation,
he wrote down ' "the red brick one"
________________________________________

Then there was the Nebraska player who applied for a job at Taco
Bell, he thought he was applying at the Mexican phone company.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

One wish:

I met a fairy who said she would grant me one wish.

Immediately I said, "I want to live forever."

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

"OK," I said, "Then I want to die after U.S. Congress gets its head out of
its ass."

"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Senior Citizen versus the Bank:

This what the banks have become!
Not only for Senior Citizens only    
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old
woman. You, fortunately,
still have a ways to go before you can claim that status..... 
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the
Times.


Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured
to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his
presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to
honour it..

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension,
an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and
also for debiting my account £35 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused
me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally
answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when
I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally
and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENCE under the Postal Act for any other person to
open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen
employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about
him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public figure, and the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by doc*mented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my
account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALLING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2.. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
required.

Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorised
Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 to 9 

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will
play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client


And remember: 
Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so
it doesn't take much to p*ss us off.    
  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Epic crashes:

 Click here

Parking fail;

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Sounds right to me:

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an
upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.

After along period of silence she finally speaks.

Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you
quit hunting, shooting, hand loading, and fishing.

Maybe you should sell your guns, boat & airplane.

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

”I wasn't “

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Ole..... A born salesman:

Ole, the smoothest-talking Swede in the Minnesota National Guard, got
called up to active duty.

Ole's first assignment was in a military induction center.  Because he was
a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about
government benefits, especially the GI life insurance, to which they were
entitled.

The officer in charge soon noticed that Ole was getting a 99% sign-up rate
for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was
remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30 per month for the
higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at
no charge.

The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing
and observe Ole's sales pitch.

Ole stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If yoo haf da
normal GI insurans an' yoo go to Afghanistan an' get yourself killed, da
governmen' pays yer beneficiary $20,000.  If yoo take out da supplemental
insurans, vich cost yoo only t'irty dollars a mont, den da governmen' got
to pay yer beneficiary $200,000!"

"Now," Ole concluded, "Vich bunch yoo tink dey gonna sen' to Afghanistan
first?"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Wish I'd Said That!:

Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day. Give him religion and
he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.
  ~ Timothy Jones

When the white missionaries came to Africa, they had the Bible and we had
the land. They said,
'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them, we had the Bible
and they had the land.
  ~ Desmond Tutu

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the
population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon
landing was faked.
  ~ David Letterman

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit! I'm a billionaire.
  ~ Howard Hughes

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
  ~ Italian proverb

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them
for thirty years.
  ~ Betsy Salkind

The only reason that they say, 'Women and children first' is to test the
strength of the lifeboats.
  ~ Jean Kerr

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out
the garbage.
  ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
  ~ Jeff Foxworthy

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new
wife.
  ~ Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
  ~ Emo Philips.

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
  ~ Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.
  ~ Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe that a man is innocent until proven broke.
  ~ Robin Hall

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
  ~ Jean Rostand.

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but
I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
  ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for,
I have no idea.
  ~ W.H. Auden

In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture
naked.
  ~ Jonathan Katz

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the
impersonators would be dead.
  ~ Johnny Carson

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
  ~ Arthur C. Clarke

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man
wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
  ~ Steve Martin

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
  ~ Jimmy Durant

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part
of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
  ~ John Glenn

If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet,
what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?
  ~ Steven Wright

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
  ~ Doug Hamwell

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
  ~ George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the
airport.
  ~ Jonathan Winters

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
  ~ Robert Benchley

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

O x y m o r o n s (very good):

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called " stands"when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13.. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you
know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25.. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead
tree and eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

GOLFER:

A golfer went to a public golf course. He approached the man behind the
counter in the pro shop and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a
caddie."

The man behind the counter said, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but
all of our caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this:
We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take
one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works,
your round of golf will be on me today.

The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee,
looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the
job."

The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A
driver is far too much club for this hole."

Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the
ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on
the green.

The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his
assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this
green is gonna break left to right."

The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green
will break right to left."

Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided
again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole
thanks to the robot and his advice But his luck didn't end there. His
entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of
the new robot golf caddie.

Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was
your game ?"

The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you
very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week."

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon
entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like
18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the
18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had
too many complaints."

"COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They
were incredible!"

The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that
they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was
blinding to other golfers on the fairway."

The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"

The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up
for work, two filed for benefits, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the
other one thinks he's the
President."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Beer habit:

Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes

Lady: How much a day?
Man: 3 6 packs

Lady: How much per 6 pack
Man: about $10.00

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years

Lady: So 1 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your
                      spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be
$10,800 correct?
Man: Correct

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past
                      15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put
                      in a step-up interest savings account and after
accounting for compound
                      interest for the past 15 years, you could have now
bought a Ferrari?
Man : Do you drink?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your Ferrari then?

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Waffly wedded wife:

                It looks as though the justice or the minister didn't
realize that he said waffly instead of lawfully, what a hoot. Worth
watching just to see the reaction of the wife to be. They paid a lot for
the videographers, and they did a great job! Look at the clarity and the
reactions they caught.

                This couple will cherish their video forever. If the
bride's laugh doesn't start you laughing, you've lost your funny bone.

                Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

I LOVE THIS DRUGGIST:

                                Upon arriving home, a husband was met at
the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this
morning on the phone.
                                I had to call multiple times before he
would even answer the phone."

                                Immediately, the husband drove downtown to
confront the druggist and demand an apology.

                                Before he could say more than a word or
two, the druggist told him, "Now,
just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go
off, so I was late getting up.

                                I went without breakfast and hurried out to
the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car
keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

                                "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a
speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had
a flat tire."

                                "When I finally got to the store a bunch of
people were waiting for me to open up.

                                I got the store opened and started waiting
on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

                                He continued, "Then I had to break a roll
of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they
spilled all over the floor.

                                I had to get down on my hands and knees to
pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.

                                When I came up I cracked my head on the
open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a
bunch of perfume bottles on it.

                                Half of them hit the floor and broke."

                                "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with
no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife.

                                She wanted to know how to use a rectal
thermometer.

                                And believe me, mister, as God is my
witness, all I did was tell her."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Now this is a wedding reception...:
Flashmob style:

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Impotence of proofreading:

Got a spell checker? Think again.

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A ride in the Space Station:

 - video within space station - super
Wow, this is awesome!!!!!

This link will take you to the Space Station, and a "personal tour" by
Sunita Williams. She shows how big this place really is, which amazed me,
and explains how all aspects of human needs are handled. I found it
fascinating...

  target=_blank>Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

This is where our rates go:

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The future:

AUSTRALIAN NEWS HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR   2029

      Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in the seventh
largest country in the world,
Little India, formerly known as Australia

      White minorities still trying to have English recognised as Australia
's third language

      Kookaburra plague threatens North Western Australia crops and
livestock.

      Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

       Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10
more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

       France pleads for global help after being taken over by Algeria ...
No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

      Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported
legally, but President Chelsea
Clinton has banned all smoking.

      George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

      Australia Post raises price of stamps to $17.89 and reduces mail
delivery to Wednesdays only.

      After 10-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to
weight loss. (other than a dose of Delhi Belly)

      Average weight of a Australian drops to 115 kgs. (lots of Delhi Belly
?)

      Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive
year in Vicindia and New
South India.

      In an Amazing breakthrough, Japanese scientists have created a camera
with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her
mouth shut.

      Senate still blocking drilling in Canberra even though gas is selling
for 4532 Rupees per litre and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and
Fridays.

       Tasmindia executes last remaining Greenie.

      Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil
rights.

      Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet,
seven inches.

      New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly
swatters, and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030 as
lethal weapons.

      Australian Tax Office sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

      Southern Asia (formerly Northern Territory ) voters still having
trouble with voting machines.


St Kilda Football club was forced to change its name to Kilda/Karachi after
the Federal Court upheld the decision that use of the word "Saint"

Was an infringement on the religious beliefs of the majority of
Australians.


Favola Singh of the Carlton/Calcutta  Curry Crunchers wins the Gandhi
Medal.( Formerly The
Brownlow )

The Brisbane/Bombay Bengal Lions defeated the Melbourne /Delhi Demons by 14
points in the AIFL grand Final


Shipping figures released today by the Government show Christmas Island is
now Australia's busiest Port.

Aboriginals have lodged a land claim for New Zealand saying they always
knew it was there, so they must be the traditional owners.


Meanwhile Maori's have laid land claims to "The Gold Coast", all  Western
Australian mines, all rugby grounds and every shearing shed in Australia.


Toyota has announced it is still reviewing the safety aspects of the latest
safety claims about undersize drink holders in the console of it's Toyota
Camry's.


The Vatican has announced both Bob Hawke and Gough Whitlam can expect to be
canonised by the end of this year.


Competition between Qantas and Virgin Airlines has been keen this festive
season, with fares to
Mecca dropping to an all time low of 300,000 rupees .


As the population approaches 125 million, The Government is reviewing
legislation previously enacted in 2010 for Paid Maternity leave.


It is believed that the clause making it compulsory for Indian woman to
have a child annually, may be struck out.


And Democracy and Capitalism are now firmly entrenched in Afghanistan,
where the new Kabul
Stock Exchange and Futures Market for Heroin came on line.

      I Love This Country!

      It's The Bloody stupid  Government That Scares Me!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Fine line:

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Strange fruit tree:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

JABOTICABA

 Click here

 Click here

Jabuticaba - The Tree WITH Fruits on its Trunk

No, this is not a belated April Fool's prank. They look as if they may have
been pinned there by an overenthusiastic gardener to impress the neighbors,
but the fruit of the Jabuticaba really does grow off the trunk of the tree.

Otherwise known as the Brazilian Grape Tree, this plant is native to South
America, notably Paraguay,  Argentina and (obviously from its name) mostly
from  Brazil. The fruit, a succulent looking purple color, can be plucked
and eaten straight from the tree.

It is also a popular ingredient in jellies and is also juiced to make a
refreshing summer drink.  What is more, it can be fermented and made into
wine and strong liquor.  After three days off the tree the fermentation
will begin, so sometimes, there is no choice; honestly.

If you want one of these in your garden, then you have to be patient.  The
tree takes an age to grow, but once it reaches maturity it is worth it.
However, it has proven to be very adaptable and, although it prefers moist
and slightly acid soils, it will even grow well in an alkaline type soil.

The flowers themselves appear on the tree at most twice a year - naturally.
They look like some strange alien creature that has deposited itself on the
trunk and branches. The habit of flowers doing this makes them
cauliflorous.
Instead of growing new shoots, these plants flower direct from the woody
trunk or stem.

You might ask why it is this way.  The simple answer is that it has evolved
in this manner so that animals that cannot climb very high can reach it,
eat it and then expel the seeds away from the parent tree to further
propagate the species.

If the tree is well irrigated then it will flower and fruit all the year
round.  The fruit itself is about four centimeters in diameter and has up
to four large seeds.  As well as being used as food, the skins can be dried
out and used to treat asthma and diarrhea.

If your tonsils are swollen you can also use it to try and alleviate the
inflammation.  It is also hoped that the tree will be useful in the fight
against cancer, as several anti-cancer compounds have been found in the
fruit.

Altogether a useful tree, but surely a slightly strange looking one.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


End of christmas: xxx

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Why beer is kept at the bottom of the fridge: xxx

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

MY WIFE'S RIDE-ON LAWNMOWER IS FOR SALE:

 Click here

My Wife always wanted a ride-on lawn mower.

She works all day and was always tired when she came home from work and
thought that a ride-on lawn mower would help her get the yard work done
quicker so she would have more time for the chores inside the house.

SO, being the handy sort of guy that I am, I made her a riding lawn mower.
I guess I thought she would squeal with delight or something and give me a
big hug.
I even put a light on it so she could work at night. See photo below.

To this day I have never been able to understand why some women are so hard
to please.

P.S. I can see out of my left eye pretty good now and should be able to
leave the hospital sometime next week.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Mayor Bloomberg:

 Click here

Right ON!!!!!!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Hot Rods-Worth your time...:

 Click here

  These are awesome!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Abandoned PBY Catalina:

 Click here

A PBY Catalina flying-boat on a beach in Saudi Arabia;

Here is its remarkable story;

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Coldest Town On Earth:

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

1919 PHOTO......:

 Click here

If you were around in 1919 and came upon this poster... I mean, seriously,
wouldn’t you just keep drinking?

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Dangers of riding a motorcycle with High Handle bars:

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Philosophical note:

NEVER A TRUER WORD HAS BEEN SPOKEN

Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free . . ..
It's the women who make it hard !!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Peace by superior firepower:

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Orstraylian?:

 Click here

           The following are results from an OZ-words Competition where
entrants were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by one letter
only, and supply a witty definition.

          Clearly, you need to be an Aussie to understand.

          Billabonk:     to make passionate love beside a waterhole

          Bludgie:        a partner who doesn't work, but is kept as a pet.

          Dodgeridoo:  a fake indigenous artefact.

          Fair drinkum: good-quality Aussie wine.

          Flatypus:        a cat that has been run over by a vehicle.

          Matesh*t:       all your flat mate's belongings, lying strewn
around the floor.

          Shagman:      an unemployed male, roaming the Australian bush in
search of s*xual activity

          Yabble:      the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater
crustaceans

          Bushw*nker:  a pretentious drongo, who reckons he's above average
when it comes to handling himself in the scrub.

          And for the Kiwis amongst us:

          Shornbag:     a particularly attractive naked sheep.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Miracle in the Alcohol Aisle!!!:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

              Praise The Lord

              And a few more items of interest !!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

50 of the most unusual pictures ever seen:

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Why Women Can't Fix Cars . . .:

 Click here

                         It would never have crossed my mind.
                        Another of life's mysteries explained!!
                        It honestly never occurred to me.
                        Why Women Can't Fix Cars . . .

                        I always thought it had something to do with their
fingernails!!!!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Faceless - British Humor:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Annual Aboriginal Weather Forecast...:

 Click here

THIS IS THE KIND OF CLEAR AND PRECISE WEATHER FORECAST THAT we APPRECIATE.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 Letter of Apology from the Hospital:

 Click here

Dear Sir:

The results from the laboratory confirm that the red ring around your penis
was not in fact cancerous.

It was lipstick.

We apologize for the amputation.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A video for the workplace:

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

How To Recognize a Gay Bar:

 Click here

How to recognize a Gay bar.............. Hope this was helpful.........

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 Hot Again Today.... :

 Click here

The weathermen say the temperature is going to reach extremely high levels
today, and everyone should check on the elderly and senile.

Are you OK???

Well someone sent it to me!!!!!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (January 11, 2013)  Index Next (January 25, 2013)