Friday humour - January 11, 2013

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

Filling in for Smithie this week, who is somewhat crook. Get well soon
Smithie!!

The following comes courtesy of Burnout, Cartographer Chris, Diks, KRP,
Seasoldier, The Great Gussius, Sack, and them others.

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America is the only country where a significant proportion of the
population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon
landing was faked.
~ David Letterman

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit! I'm a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them
for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind

The only reason that they say, 'Women and children first' is to test the
strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out
the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
~ Jeff Foxworthy

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new
wife.
~ Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe that a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but
I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for,
I have no idea.
~ W.H. Auden

In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture
naked.
~ Jonathan Katz

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the
impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very sceptical.
~ Arthur C. Clarke

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man
wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durant

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part
of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn

If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet,
what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?
~ Steven Wright

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the
airport.
~ Jonathan Winters

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ Robert Benchley

Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day. Give him religion and
he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.
~ Timothy Jones

When the white missionaries came to Africa, they had the Bible and we had
the land. They said, 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes.
When we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu

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Wife says to husband "you only ever want s*x when you're drunk".
Husband says "that's not true .. sometimes I want a kebab"

A man approaches a young woman in a shop.
He says "I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?"
The woman says "Sure, but do you have any idea where your wife is?" 
"Not a clue," he says, "but whenever I talk to a woman with tits like
yours, she appears out of nowhere!"

My s*xy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate For a "roger". It was
only when I had my trousers round my ankles and my c*ck out, that I
realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!

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The Dance man does it again ...
 Click here

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Wild ride with the New York Fire Chief 1926;
 Click here

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Australian Bar Scene

A man walks into his crowded local bar brandishing a revolver yelling:

"Who's the bastard here who's been screwing my wife?"

A voice from the back of the bar shouts;

"You don't have enough ammo, mate!"

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The Deaf Wife Problem

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss
the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could
perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her,
and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not,
go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the
den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.'
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and
repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife
and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for
dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

'For F*-#  sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

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Great stuff - worth a listen and a look
 Click here
[even though this isn't "funny" I couldn’t leave it out - Ed.]

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How thick?
As thick as 500 ice blocks. Only a Kiwi with way too much time.
 Click here

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Sign
 Click here

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Not what you think
 Click here

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Map!
 Click here

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Sorry
 Click here

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Short month
 Click here
30 Days hath September,
April, June and November ...
All the rest have thirty-one,
Except for February with 28 ...
and in Newman's Queensland, August lasts but 24 ??
(something to do with budget cuts?)

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First Christmas as if it were in our time today!
 Click here

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True ..
 Click here

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Conservative Politics et. al.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Melbourne now & then
 Click here

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[ End friday humour ]

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