Friday humour - January 04, 2013

From Burnout @ Bluehaze: 2013 has arrived. Some will have made resolutions
for the year's activity, hopefully with some humour. Some have no
resolutions made this year and in that they won't be alone, I am not built
that way myself.
In which ever category in which you find yourself, enjoy your self this
year.

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Queen Elizibeth aging before your eyes

This is really awesome!!!!! Don't know how they managed this one.

This is pretty cool.
 Click here

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From: Burnout
Subject: Fifty Sheds Of Grey......

1. The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes.
Now, 'Fifty Sheds of Grey', offers a treat for the men. The book has author
Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here
are some extracts...

Fifty Sheds Of Grey
We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a
wall...
but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the
only place for a good shed.

She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with
me."
So I took her to Bunning's.

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then
harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains
and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.

"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed
roof."

"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be
punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the
receipt.

"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."

"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to
sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.

"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

"I can give you both unbelievable pain and immeasurable pleasure", she
said, as she put on a Justin Bieber CD and started rubbing my back.

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From: Dianne
Subject: Bender the super dog - ABC South West WA - Australian Broadcasting
Corporation

This little dogs a beauty!
 Click here

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From: Diks
Subject: YOUR NEXT TOY!
 Click here

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From: KRP
Subject: Epic Fails (2012 Finalists - ED)
The human race is supposed to be superior; "hold my beer and watch this!".
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: How to install a Southern Home Security System!

HOW TO INSTALL A SOUTHERN HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1.  Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 14-16 men's work boots.
2.  Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo
Magazine.
3.  Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4.  Leave a note on your door that reads ......

Bubba,

Me and Marcel, Donnie Ray and Jimmy Earl went for more ammo and beer. Be
back in an hour.  Don't mess with the pit bulls.  They got the mailman this
morning and messed him up bad.  I don't think Killer took part, but it was
hard to tell from all the blood.  Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the
house.  Better wait outside.  Be right back.

Cooter

WORKS FOR ME!!

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: O vs o

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a
second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and
try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court
Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful How did you do it? "

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I
told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small
circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And
how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like
this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your
as*hole before prison..................

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Onions and Christmas Trees ( I know you will forward on)

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many
kinds of b*obs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of b*obs:
In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,'Mum, how many
kinds of 'willies' are there?.

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through
three phases.  In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.  After his
50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration'.

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From: The Great Gussius
Subject: Sounds familiar

A guy was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. He
picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared.
The amazed guy asked if he got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope. . . due to inflation, constant downsizing, funding
cuts, insufficient resources being allocated by the powers that be, and
fierce competition, I can only grant you one wish. So. . . what'll it be?"

The guy didn't hesitate. "He" said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See
this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks,! These countries have
been at war for thousands of years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't
think it can be done. Make another wish."

The guy thought for a minute and said, "Well, I'm the Safety Manager for a
Multi-faceted organization and we've always been having problems with
workplace injuries and I've never been able to get the workforce to
implement risk control measures through Risk Management and Risk Assessment
best practice. I can not even get senior management to understand  LTI,
HAZOP, Self-audit  or such terms. That's what I wish for, a 'safe
institution' where everyone complies with safe working processes!"

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that f*#^ing map!"

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From: The Great Gussius
Subject: CHRISTMAS flash mob

THIS IS REALLY WHAT CHRISTMAS IS ABOUT.
 Click here

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From: The Great Gussius
Subject: Sign of the times

A seasonal update from your friendly Human Resources Manager:

All employees planning to dash through the snow in a one horse open sleigh,
going over the fields and laughing all the way are advised that a Risk
Assessment will be required addressing the safety of an open sleigh for
members of the public. This assessment must also consider whether it is
appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture,
particularly where there are multiple passengers.

Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from
landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not
participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate
only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by
any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night.
While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by
CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users of
this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be
submitted to account for known risks to the flocks.

The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining
his/her glory all around, s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing
appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful
effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last years well-publicised case, everyone is advised that
Equal Opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the
redness of any part of Mr R Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R
Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and
disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this
offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is a common practice in various
parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the
bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be
registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal
personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold
are specifically precluded, while caution is advised regarding other common
gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions.

Finally, in the recent instance of the infant found tucked up in a manger
without a crib for a bed, DOCs have been advised and will be arriving
shortly.

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Save the Planet - George Carlin

THIS IS SO TRUE & GREAT COMEDY !!!
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Timmy writes to Santa

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the
elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an
X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 5 for Christmas. I hope you
remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,

Timmy Jones

Dear Timmy,

Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all
fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the
time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to
get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you
something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,

Santa Claus

Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract, set by you I
might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me
what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season
into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight
coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

Respectfully,

Tim Jones

Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind
you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee
of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is
your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been on retainer
ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than
happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to
will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and
potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the
Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,

S Claus

Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be
polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now
you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be
waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone,
and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone

Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on
one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees
you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar,
genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your
sh*t wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people
that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll
all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you
asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in
you're ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy

Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

Timmy

Timmy,

That's what I thought you little bastard.

Santa

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Playboy's Entire Database (XXX - ED)

This should keep you busy for a while.

Playboy's Entire Database

Well boys, this just in from the North Pole in time for those long winter
nights.  AND DAYS.
What a data base! You might notice that you are the only friends I deemed
worthy of this collection of true beauty. Enjoy. Honor. Protect.

After 2 hours I'm up to the second girl under A.

Playboy's Entire Database

You can all thank me later with Beer. This should keep you happy for a long
time!

I hereby provide to you the keys to the kingdom.

CLICK ON THE GIRLS NAMES.
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  Job for a Gynaecologist's Assistant?

SMILE ......IT'S GOOD FOR YOU..

Gynecologist's A ssistant......

A man went to Macquarie Street in Sydney having seen an ad for a
Gynaecologist's Assistant.  Naturally interested, he went in and asked the
clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read;

"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. "

"You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and
carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently
shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for
the gynaecologist's examination."

"The annual salary is $65,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go
to Newcastle "

" My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man.

She answered:

"No, that's where the end of the queue is."

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From: Burnout
Subject: A class trip to a Farm.....
 Click here

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From: Burnout
Subject: When a picture goes wrong.......
 Click here

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From: Burnout
Subject: The Swingers Hotel.
 Click here

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Wow !
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Sack
Subject:   Making it stiff

                                MAKING IT STIFF!

To make it Stand,
You Wet it !
To make it Wet,
You Suck it !
To make it Stiff,
You Lick it !
To Get It In,
You Push it!

Damn!!!!

Threading a Needle when you're AN OLD FART is a Bitch.

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From: Sack
Subject: WHO SAID WE NEED A TRUCK ??
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: What to do with spare dahlias!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

What began in 1936 as a flower parade has become the oldest and most
celebrated ode to blooms in Europe.  Ever since its inception, Zundert in
the Netherlands has hosted an annual flower show Bloemencorso, with an
average 50,000 visitors descending on the town to look at the brilliant
displays.   Creators use dahlias for their breathtaking displays and build
gravity defying sculptures.

Let's hope the wind doesn't blow too hard! The flowers have been
meticulously placed to create the giraffes, even down to their eyelids and
hair that lines their neck

A roaring good show: The intricate blooms have been manipulated to create
this gravity-defying impressive model of a tiger and her cubs

Every float is made from dahlias. This twisting house, which is as high
as other apartments, weaves its ways through the narrow streets

Just by using dahlias, volunteers created this show-stopping piece, where
a startled antelope flees the clutches of a leopard that gives chase

Utterly brilliant - thee competitors left no detail out - they even
included the numbers on the tags on the ears, and what appears to be the
inner workings of a milk-processing plant within the cow's body

Something fishy about this: Bloemencorso saw this elaborate fish display,
which saw a shoal of fish whirl around each other - even using
light-coloured dahlias to shade in the light bouncing off the eyeballs

Each of the competing districts of Zundert - which was the home of
Vincent Van Gogh - construct their own entry and compete in the parade, which
occurs every first Sunday in September.

According to those behind Bloemencorso, the parade is all the work of
dedicated volunteers, who do not profit from the colorful display.

A staggering six to eight million dahlia flowers are used to produce the
floats.
  Visit Click here for more information.


Bloemencorso began in 1936, and since then has spiraled in popularity, as
the small population makes huge efforts to outdo one another so they can
create sculptures like his huge organ

Even the meerkats get a mention! The curious animals are brought to life,
as creators perfected every inch of the models, even down to their nails
and shading on their tails

Out of this world! Every float here is made from petals and, despite
being made from such a delicate, tiny structure, take on gigantic
proportions which people clamor to see

It's really taken off! Bloemencorso has grown in term of popularity and
in the sheer size of the creations, with thousands flocking to the home of
Vincent Van Gogh to gasp at the displays

Held on the first Sunday of every September, the quaint town becomes
packed with visitors and, on this occasion, a huge rhinoceros made of
delicate flowers

Make it snappy! Thousands turn out to Bloemencorso, as hamlets compete
with each other to create the most beautiful display - including this
sinister-looking fishy creature

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From: The Great Gussius
Subject: STRALYA
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Oldest running car and driver in history
 Click here

MAN OWNED & DROVE THE SAME CAR FOR 82 YEARS

They certainly don't make them like that anymore.

This man Owned & Drove the same car for 82 YEARS.

Can you imagine even having the same car for 82 years!

"How Long Have You Owned a Car?"

Mr. Allen Swift ( Springfield , MA.) received this 1928 Rolls-Royce
Piccadilly-P1 Roadster from his father, brand new - as a graduation gift in
1928.

He drove it up until his death last year.....at the age of 102 !!!

He was the oldest living owner of a car that was purchased new.

Just thought you'd like to see it.

It was donated to a Springfield museum after his death.

It has 1,070,000 miles on it, still runs like a Swiss watch, dead silent at
any speed and is in perfect cosmetic condition. (82 years). That's
approximately 13,048 miles per year (1087 per month)...

1,070,000 that's miles or 1,721,998 kilometres!!

That's British engineering of a bygone era. I don't think they make them
like that any more.

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Quote of the Week:

No one ever regarded the First of January with indifference. It is that
from which all date their time, and count upon what is left. It is the
nativity of our common Adam.

 - Charles Lamb

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[ End friday humour ]

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