Friday humour - December 28, 2012

December 21st came .... and went. Still here :-)

Hope those of you that do Xmas all had a good Xmas. I certainly ate too
much. Lots of Xmassy stuff in this edition that didn’t get here early
enough to be in our Xmas edition.

My jaw drop of the week is the NRA response to the recent US school
shooting. Arm the teachers?! Really!!! I feel sooo sorry for
Americans. I guess New Year's resolution over there must include lines
like "I hope my babies don’t get shot at school this year",
but sadly, in the US, kids get shot at school every year. And then there
are the fire-fighters ...

This weeks offerings are from Burnout, Cartographer Chris, Dianne, Diks,
Duke of Barsinov, KRP, Sack, Seasoldier, The Great Gussius,
Whizzbang, and the ever jolly and perhaps even elf like anonymi.

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I know some of you are not golfers, but worth watching, for a couple of
minutes! Fun on the golf course !
 Click here

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Christmas In Jail ::::: The Youngsters
 Click here

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A Policeman on his horse says to little girl on her bike, "Did Santa get
you that?"

"Yes," she replies.

"Well tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year," and fines her
£5. The little girl looks up at the Policeman and says,
"Nice horse you've got there. Did Santa bring you that too?"

The Policeman chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"

"Well," says the little girl, "Next year, tell Santa the d*ck goes under
the horse, not on top of it"!

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Miss Beatrice (The Church Organist)

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been
married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her
quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, The young minister noticed a cute
glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a
condom!

When she returned With tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer
resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park
a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The
directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would
prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

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Girl and glass of wine
 Click here

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Scottish Marriage Proposal
 Click here

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One For The Machinists
 Click here

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What Is Couple S*x?

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and
asked him, "Grampa, what is couple s*x?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but
decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question,
then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave
nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the
joys and responsibilities of intercourse.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her
mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask
this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a
couple secs.

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A Blue Rose [only because its Christmas - Ed.]

Having four visiting family members, my wife was very busy, so I offered to
go to the store for her to get some needed items, which included light
bulbs, paper towels, trash bags, detergent and Clorox. So off I went.

I scurried around the store, gathered up my goodies and headed for the
checkout counter, only to be blocked in the narrow aisle by a young man who
appeared to be about sixteen-years-old. I wasn't in a hurry, so I patiently
waited for the boy to realize that I was there. This was when he waved his
hands excitedly in the air and declared in a loud voice, "Mommy, I'm over
here."

It was obvious now, he was mentally challenged and also startled as he
turned and saw me standing so close to him, waiting to squeeze by. His eyes
widened and surprise exploded on his face as I said, "Hey Buddy, what's
your name?"

"My name is Denny and I'm shopping with my mother," he responded proudly.

"Wow," I said, "that's a cool name; I wish my name was Denny, but my name
is Steve."

"Steve, like Stevarino?" he asked. "Yes," I answered. "How old are you
Denny?"

"How old am I now, Mommy?" he asked his mother as she slowly came over from
the next aisle.

"You're fifteen-years-old Denny; now be a good boy and let the man pass
by."

I acknowledged her and continued to talk to Denny for several more minutes
about summer, bicycles and school. I watched his brown eyes dance with
excitement, because he was the centre of someone's attention. He then
abruptly turned and headed toward the toy section.

Denny's mom had a puzzled look on her face and thanked me for taking the
time to talk with her son. She told me that most people wouldn't even look
at him, much less talk to him.

I told her that it was my pleasure and then I said something I have no idea
where it came from, other than by the prompting of the
Holy Spirit. I told her that there are plenty of red, yellow, and pink
roses in God's Garden; however, "Blue Roses" are very rare and should be
appreciated for their beauty and distinctiveness. You see, Denny is a Blue
Rose and if someone doesn't stop and smell that rose with their heart and
touch that rose with their kindness, then they've missed a blessing from
God.

She was silent for a second, then with a tear in her eye she asked, "Who
are you?"

Without thinking I said, "Oh, I'm probably just a dandelion, but I sure
love living in God's garden."

She reached out, squeezed my hand and said, "God bless you!" and then I had
tears in my eyes.


May I suggest, the next time you see a BLUE ROSE, whichever differences
that person may have, don't turn your head and walk off.
Take the time to smile and say Hello. Why? What a difference a moment can
mean to that person or their family.

From an old dandelion! Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak
kindly. Leave the rest to the powers that be.

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Broadcaster Alan Jones has started the search for an employee to check the
accuracy of his on-air statements after yesterday’s ruling by the
Australian Communications & Media Authority that ordered 2GB to use a
fact-checker. Mr Jones today released a quiz that prospective candidates
for the role will be asked to complete as part of the recruitment process.
The quiz is reproduced below.
Candidate Quiz

Program: The Alan Jones Show
Position: Fact-Checker
Please answer each question as accurately as possible.

1. Global warming is:
a) The increase in the temperature of the earth’s atmosphere
b) A punk rock band I belonged to in the 1970s
c) A hoax cooked up by the Gillard Government that, let’s be clear about
this, has one goal and one goal only: to take possession of your house and
kidnap your children

2. The statement “we should put the Prime Minister in a Chaff Bag and throw
her out to sea” is:
a) Horrific
b) Clever satire
c) Grammatically incorrect. There’s no need to capitalise chaff bag

3. 0.45% is:
a) The actual contribution Australia makes to carbon dioxide in the
atmosphere
b) The percentage of my listeners who voted for The Greens at the last
Federal election
c) The proportion of my brain dedicated to giving a toss about scientific
evidence

4. The term ‘Juliar’ is:
a) A little bit childish
b) How Albanians pronounce the seventh calendar month
c) A clever alternative name for our Prime Minister (if you haven’t worked
it out yet, it combines the word ‘Julia’ with ‘liar’)

5. The definition of a bully is:
a) A person who uses strength or influence to harm or intimidate those who
are weaker
b) A rare breed of dog found in southern Italy
c) It can either mean ‘robust debate’ or ‘a vicious campaign to drive
advertisers away from my radio program’. It depends on who is being accused
of bullying

6. The CSIRO is:
a) Australia’s national science agency
b) A song by The Village People
c) A spy organisation set up by Bob Brown, and funded by the taxpayer, to
eavesdrop on the private conversations of my listeners,
without their consent

7. Lord Monckton is:
a) A slightly odd British man who once compared scientist Ross Garnaut to
Adolf Hitler
a) A character from the Harry Potter series
b) The pre-eminent authority on climate science due to a decades-long
commitment to evidence-based research

8. An apology is:
a) A regretful acknowledgement of an offence or failure
b) An ancient Greek word meaning ‘a dispute over land or sheep’
c) A good opportunity to point out the flaws in the current Government

If you answered:
Mainly a)s: Please don’t waste any more of my time. You probably think your
elitist view of the world is somehow trendy or clever,
but it’s actually just wrong. I’m organising a chaff bag for you as I
write.

Mainly b)s: Thanks for your interest in the role. We received a lot of
applications and unfortunately you missed out this time. Be sure to tune in
from 5:30am each weekday.

Mainly c)s: Toilets are down the hall to the left; help yourself to coffee
or tea. Welcome aboard.

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Canberra Times Column - Festive message must not be lost

Hi!

I thought some of you (especially those overseas) might be interested in
this interesting and informative description by one of our
Senators of how the Festive Season leading up to Christmas is experienced
and celebrated in his hometown (St. George) area in
Western Queensland (and many other places in Australia). Temperatures
mentioned are in Celsius. Please feel free to share this article with your
(and my old) friends and family.

Senator Barnaby Joyce.

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Please find below an opinion piece by Senator Joyce published in The
Canberra Times on 20 December 2012.

Festive message must not be lost

St George has ground into the days over 40. Everything is hot; the bitumen
is melting on the roads creating a semi-fluid tar pit at the corners where
the turning truck tyres cause friction.

The backpackers are here in the hundreds picking table grapes for your
Christmas. They form colonies along the river bank between the periods of
finishing work to when it is cool enough to go inside. There is the French
Quarter at the Amphitheatre, the Koreans at the Sails, the Sudanese at the
tables, and Fijians at the boat ramp. In our house "Agatha" from Hong Kong
is staying. They are all burnt brown and reclining, trying to use as little
energy as possible for energy is heat and heat is hell.

At 4.30 am all are up and work starts at 5.30. There is a job to do and it
pays well if you work hard and more comfortable if done early. The
supermarkets, all independents, are packed with shoppers as if there is
going to be a flood. But this year, the water is running low and cotton
fields are being shutdown mid-crop to move water to the residual crop that
is destined to go through to harvest.

The night is pleasant if it goes below 25. The houses near the bore head
run out of cold water as the water from deep inside the earth comes up too
hot to shower in. Deep inside the earth granite rock with a latent
radioactivity, from which the heat cannot escape, heats the water resulting
in a nuclear powered shower. Hot rocks, nature's nuclear reactor.

Beer goes down like water and leaves you bloated. Your metabolic
requirement, like the stock under the trees in the paddocks, needs little
more than a drink of water and a good view.

In the early morning the pool is crowded with the tri-club and the swim
club then followed by escapees from the domestic blitzkrieg of tormented
kids and housewives looking for reprieve from the weatherboard and iron as
husbands sit in tractors or work sheds.

However St George is mild next to that which lies on the other side of the
mulga at Cunnamulla, Eulo, Thargomindah and Birdsville. I have a friend who
lives between Cunnamulla and Quilpie and at this time of year it may not be
hell but I reckon if you could climb a big tree you would see it. At
Charleville you could put on your washing, make lunch, hang your washing
out, eat lunch and take your washing in, all during your lunch break.

Now in this environment it is rather interesting to see the representation
of a, rather overweight, elderly gentlemen in a big heavy red suit on every
third lawn. Accompanying this oddity is a range of animals which would do
well to stay away from the sights of the local roo shooters or they may be
dispensed as a service to the landholder.

The cultural portrayal of Christmas in Western Queensland is a paradox but
the spirit is undeniable. It is family; it is faith and the required
penitence, it is socialising at the drop of the hat and having the beer
fridge full for any who call in, it is trying to be nice to those who you
know are going to be lonely. I have to say it but there is something
uniquely Australian about Christmas out west but I suspect everywhere in
Australia is afforded that accolade.

When we try to sanitise the Christian message out of Christmas then it is
not Christmas. It becomes a shopping spree circulating around a rather out
of place fat red chap. It is little more than a maxed out credit card and a
hangover. It would be better to be alone, go for an early morning ride
instead, if there was not a deeper meaning somewhere that we can be better
to each other than what we are and better to ourselves by being so.
Christmas lets us return to our family and our core away from the
distractions that the rest of the year forces on us.

Some political colleagues returned from Communist China the other week. A
lasting impression was the Christmas carols they heard everywhere. It
appears China is less hung-up about celebrating our traditions than we are;
maybe they see the value that we have lost.

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COWBOY HUMOUR

A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college. Half way through the
semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing!
They actually have a program here in Lubbock that will teach our dog, Ol'
Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him
in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out.
The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't
believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the
animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the
year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk,
nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before
we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room,
kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he
usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around
with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that Son of a Bitch before he talks
to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

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The Williams sisters were recently discussing the problem of drugs in the
warm-up room before a doubles match.

"I think Dad might be slipping us steroids," whispered Serena.

"What makes you say that?" replied a stunned Venus.

"Well", started Serena embarrassingly, "I've started to grow hair on parts
of my body that have never had hair before!"

"Sh*t ... like where?" Venus asked.

"Like all over my balls!" Serena replied.

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In a small southern town in Texas there was a nativity scene that showed
great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature stood
out. The three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, a visitor decided
to ask a local what it meant. At a shop on the edge of town, he asked the
lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She exploded into a rage: ‘People these days never do read the Bible!’

The visitor assured her that he did, but simply couldn’t recall anything
about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some
pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in his face
she said, ‘See, it says right here, “The three wise men came from afar.”

[Think about it - Ed.]

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A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Sat*rday night recognized an elderly
man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the
West.

The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told
him of his great ambition to be a great shot.

'Could you give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high -
tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'

'Sure will '

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot
the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer
hits it - that'll give you a smoother draw'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in
a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more
tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that
axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and
all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano,
he's gonna shove that gun right up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.

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Look out!!
 Click here

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Some Very Unusual Vehicles
 Click here

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Santa 2012
It has been reported that due to the negative impact the Great Recession
has had on economies all over the world, this Christmas,
Santa Claus will have only two elves, not three as is the custom.
Additionally, it was reported, that if the recession deepens further or the
recovery continues at its current slow rate, in 2013 Santa might have to do
with only one.
 Click here
Merry Christmas!

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Dora the Explorer
 Click here
PS, if you don't know who Dora is ask you grand child or great grand child.

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And What Are You Planning For The Holidays, My Boy
 Click here

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Here's How to Advertise
 Click here

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Amazing Camel Haircuts
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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Senior Brilliance
 Click here

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Oops
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Christmas Humour
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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How big is Google ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Glass steam engine
 Click here
This Model of Stephenson's Steam Engine was made in 2008 by master
glassblower Michal Zahradnk.
Highlights:
The crankshaft is glass.
The piston is glass.
The counterweight that makes the wheel spin evenly is glass.
Imagine that everything is made out of glass.
There are no sealants used.
All is accomplished by a perfectly snug fit.
The gap between the piston and its compartment is so small, that the water
that condensates from the steam seals it shut!
Notice the elaborate excessive steam exhaust system next to the piston.
The piston is the most arduous part to make due to extreme level of
precision needed. Its parts have to be so accurate that no machinery is of
use here. The piston and its cylinder must be hand sanded
To perfection, and they are very likely to crack in the process! On
average, three out of four crack

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More Christmas humour
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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Just some Christmas fun!
 Click here

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The Old German Shepherd.

An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers
that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in
his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to
chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims
loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more
around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of
terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly
had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes
a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,
squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on
his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running,
the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen
them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German
Shepherd says...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another
panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth
and treachery! Bull Sh*t and brilliance only come with age and experience.

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Animal antics
 Click here

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How to get your cat to come indoors ...
 Click here

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Ho ho ho ...


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[ End friday humour ]

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