Friday humour - December 14, 2012

From: Allnutts

A woman has sued her local hospital, saying that after her husband was
treated recently, he has lost all interest in s*x.
A hospital spokesman replied, "The man was admitted in Ophthalmology - all
we did was correct his eyesight"

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I had no idea what a clogged artery actually looked like
Hi Friends: Have you ever seen the gunk that clogs our arteries?

This film is an actual heart surgery where the surgeons remove from a
patientâ?Ts artery the clog that could have killed him. I remind it is an
actual surgery...not bloody....but you are seeing what the surgeons
see...and you will watch the amazing goop removal. Kind makes us think
twice about what we will be eating in the future. Or at least it should.
 Click here

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From: Biggus
 engineer joke

There once was a young engineer, who having worked for several years,
decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place. He
searched the surrounding country, and found a lovely spot with frontage on
a small river. They built a cabin, and began spending time there every
chance they got. The kids loved it, and friends came for the quiet and
fishing.
The engineer, however, wanted something unique for his cabin. He had been
an award-winning pole vaulter in college. He therefore built a set of poles
with a crosspiece, and a mulched run. He bought a new carbon fibre vaulting
pole, new shoes, and was set. He would set off down the run, plant his
pole,
soar over the crosspiece, and land in the river with a satisfying splash.
What a great way to spend a hot afternoon. He tried to teach a few friends
to vault, with no success.
He enjoyed his cabin for years, and went out early in the spring one year.
It had been a very wet winter, lots of rain afterward. When the family
arrived, the river was up and flowing at a good clip, with twice the usual
current flowing. The engineer was determined to enjoy a few vaults into the
water, but his wife didn't think it was safe. But, he was a good swimmer,
and proceeded to have a go at it. His run and jump were flawless, he hit
the water in good form, but upon surfacing, he was swept downstream and
disappeared. His body was found later that day, tangled in streamside
debris. It was a sad end for the engineer, and the family sold the cabin,
with no desire to return to the scene of such tragedy.
Our lamented engineer was a Civil Engineer. Had he consulted one of his
Electrical Engineer brethren, he would have been warned that "It's not
vaultage that kills you, it's the current!"

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From: Nottingham Smithie
EATING IN THE FIFTIES

* Pasta had not been invented.
* Curry was an unknown entity.
* Olive oil was kept in the medicine cabinet
* Spices came from the Middle East where we believed that they were used
for embalming
* Herbs were used to make rather dodgy medicine.
* A Takeaway was a mathematical problem.
* A Pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.
* Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.
* The only vegetables known to us were spuds, peas, carrots and cabbage.
Anything else was regarded as being a bit suspicious.
* All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt
on or not.
* Condiments consisted of salt, pepper, vinegar and brown sauce if we were
lucky.
* Soft drinks were called pop. Coke was something that we mixed with coal
to make it last longer.
* A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.
* Rice was a milk pudding, and never ever part of our dinner.
* A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
* A Pizza Hut was an Italian shed.
* Spaghetti was a small town in a foreign place called Bolognese.
* A microwave was something out of a science fiction movie.
* Brown bread was something only posh people ate.
* Oil was for lubricating your bike not for cooking, fat was for cooking
* Bread and jam was a punishment.
* Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves, not bags.
* The tea cozy was the forerunner of all the energy saving devices that we
hear so much about today.
* Tea had only one colour, black. Green tea etc. was not British.
* Coffee was only drunk when we had no tea.
* Cubed sugar was regarded as "bits of an over kill".
* Figs and dates appeared every Christmas, but no one ever ate them.
* Sweets and confectionery were called toffees.
* Coconuts only appeared when the fair came to town.
* Black puddings were mined in Bolton Lancashire.
* Jellied eels were peculiar to Londoners.
* Salad cream was a dressing for salads, mayonnaise did not exist
* Hors d'oeuvre was a spelling mistake.
* The starter was our main meal.
* Soup was a main meal.
* The menu consisted of what we were given and was set in stone
* Only Heinz made beans, any others were impostors
* Leftovers went in the dog.
* Special food for dogs and cats was unheard of.
* Sauce was either brown or red.
* Fish was only eaten on Fridays.
* Fish didn't have fingers in those days.
* Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.
* Ready meals only came from the fish and chip shop.
* For the best taste fish and chips had to be eaten out of old newspapers.
* Frozen food was called ice cream.
* Nothing ever went off in the fridge because we never had one.
* Ice cream only came in one colour and one flavour.
* None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.
* Jelly and blancmange was only eaten at parties.
* If we said that we were on a diet, we simply got less (more for us).
* Healthy food consisted of anything edible.
* Healthy food had to have the ability to stick to your ribs.
* Calories were mentioned but they had nothing at all to do with food.
* The only criteria concerning the food that we ate were, did we like it
and could we afford it.
* People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy so and so's.
* Indian restaurants were only found in India .
* A seven course meal had to last a week.
* Brunch was not a meal.
* Cheese only came in a hard lump.
* If we had eaten bacon lettuce and tomato on the same sandwich we would
have been certified
* A bun was a small cake back then.
* A tart was a fruit filled pastry, not a lady of horizontal pleasure.
* The word" Barbie" was not associated with anything to do with food
* Eating outside was called a picnic.
* Cooking outside was called camping.
* Seaweed was not a recognized source of food.
* Offal was only eaten when we could afford it.
* Eggs only came fried or boiled.
* Hot cross buns were only eaten at Easter time.
* Pancakes were only eaten on Pancake Tuesday, in fact in those days it was
compulsory.
* "Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food.
* Hot dogs were a type of sausage that only the Americans ate.
* Cornflakes had arrived from America but it was obvious that they would
never catch on.
* The phrase "boil in the bag" would have been beyond our realms of
comprehension.
* The idea of "oven chips" would not have made any sense at all to us.
* The world had not yet benefited from weird and wonderful things like Pot
Noodles, Instant Mash and Pop Tarts.
* We bought milk and cream at the same time in the same bottle.
* Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white
gold.
* Lettuce and tomatoes in winter were just a rumour.
* Most soft fruits were seasonal except perhaps at Christmas.
* Prunes were medicinal.
* Surprisingly muesli was readily available in those days, it was called
cattle feed.
* Turkeys were definitely seasonal.
* Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a
real one.
* We didn't eat Croissants in those days because we couldn't pronounce
them,
we couldn't spell them and we didn't know what they were.

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Black Boys

Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa. While on holiday in 
Australia he decided to spend an afternoon visiting Bondi Beach.
As he sat on the beach looking out to sea he saw a long line of black 
dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by, 
"What are all those little black things out there?"
"They're buoys," said the Aussie.
"Boys?!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"
"Holding up the shark net," the Aussie told him.
"F*ckin great country!" said Van der Merwe, deeply impressed, "We'd never 
get away with that at home!

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From: Seasoldier
Bible lesson

It all makes sense now. Gay marriage & marijuana being legalized on the
same day in Washington state.
Leviticus 20:13- "If a man lays with another man he should be stoned."
We were just interpreting it wrong.

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From: Seasoldier
British ad

Watch this commercial, you won't see this in Canada
 Click here

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From: Seasoldier
Church Fart

This says it all about getting older & the whole aging thing.

An elderly couple, Lucy & John, were recently attending church services
at The Villages.

About halfway through the service, Lucy took a pen and paper out of her
purse, wrote a note and handed it to John .

The note said:" I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should
do?"

John scribbled back, " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

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From: Sir Edward
Subject: BMW

BMW have recently announced that their 2013 range of vehicles will have
removable air bags installed in the passenger seat. Too long they have been
hidden behind the dash-board.Are they ever tested? The new devices will
be programmed to perform other functions such as cooking, ironing and
warming beds in winter.

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From: The Great Gussius
Sleight of hand
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
 funny sh*t
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Dancing Couple

Absolutely bloody amazing
Try this with your dog.
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Frosty the pervert w/lyrics
Check out this video on YouTube:
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
redneck christmas
 Click here

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From: Allnutts
Time to have a little fun...... Right Foot...
 Click here

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From: Allnutts
Every year, Susan goes on holiday with her flat mate.
 Click here

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From: Anonymous3
Maxine said it first
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Burnout
Tool Catalogue for Xmas....
 Click here

For the Bloke who has everything, just about everything....

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From: Cartographer Chris
Oran Park 65
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Diks
Mystery of the Mayan Calendar revealed LMAO
 Click here

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Funny kids
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Beautiful photos of animals and their young
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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From: Sir Edward
BRAZIL OLYMPICS [XXX]
 Click here

The Group Groping Team selected for the event. Now they have the
formidable task of putting on some extra weight.

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From: Whizzbang
You?? [XXX]
 Click here

Back when my hair was a bit darker

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From: Whizzbang
first christmas card - good sort
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
very stupid but lucky driver
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Men...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Striptease
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Women's Water Polo Nipple Slip
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Fire dragon
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Just 300-metres away was a 30-metre high fire swirl which 'sounded like a
fighter jet' despite there being no wind in the area.

But Mr Tangey found himself mesmerized by the tornado for more than 40
minutes.

The 52-year-old said: 'The weather was perfectly still and it was about 25
degrees celsius - it was an entirely uneventful day.

'Then the next thing a man is yelling 'what the hell is that?' and I turned
around and saw a 30-metre fire tornado.

'I was about 300-metres away and there was no wind but the tornado sounded
like a fighter jet. My jaw just dropped.'

Mr Tangey, who runs Alice Springs Film and Television, in central
Australia,
described it as a 'once in ten lifetimes experience'.

Description: Fire storm: A filmmaker in Alice
Springs, Australia shot some video of a fire tornado that happened on
Monday

Fire storm: A filmmaker in Alice Springs, Australia shot some video of a
fire tornado that happened on Monday

Description: Distant view: At the time, he was300-metres away from the
30-metre high fire swirl which
'sounded like a fighter jet' despite there being no wind in the area

Distant view: At the time, he was300-metres away from the 30-metre high
fire swirl which 'sounded like a fighter jet' despite there being no wind
in the area

Description: Destructive: A fire tornado, also know as a fire devil,
is caused when a column of warm,
rising air comes into contact - or causes - a fire on the ground

Destructive: A fire tornado, also know as a fire devil, is caused when a
column of warm, rising air comes into contact - or causes - a fire on the
ground

Description: Brewing storm: The fire whirl occurred in the Australian
outback as the red cliffs show the area's trademark look

Brewing storm: The fire whirl occurred in the Australian outback as the red
cliffs show the area's trademark look

Description: Dangerous
conditions: The dry heat in the area made it possible for such a rare fire
storm to occur

Dangerous conditions: The dry heat in the area made it possible for such a
rare fire storm to occur

Description: Rural: Thankfully the fire tornado occurred in the remote
Australian outback and no injuries were reported

Rural: Thankfully the fire tornado occurred in the remote Australian
outback and no injuries were reported

Tangey added: 'I've been shooting in the outback for 23 years and I have
never seen anything like it. We've heard about them but they're never seen.

'If I had known what was about to happen then I would have happily paid
$1,000 to watch it.

'At any time there were three different tornadoes, it just kept going and
going for 40 minutes.

'The whole experience was staggering and the length and variety were
astonishing.'

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[ End friday humour ]

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