Friday humour - December 07, 2012

From Burnout @ Bluehaze.

This week saw the passing of Dame Elisabeth Murdoch, a truly great
Australian.
 Click here

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Don't miss it!!!

Check out this comedian's card routine!!!
Do the hand commands with him, just like he does.

This is the best trick that I have seen in a long time.

(turn on your speakers)
 Click here

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Sgt. Stubby

Just received this a little late for 11-11
 Click here

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From: Burnout

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook
them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what
do those symbolize?'

The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

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From: Burnout
Subject: 12 Days of Xmas.......
 Click here

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: The future?

MANY A TRUE WORD SPOKEN IN JEST
Barak Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine which can see 100
years into the future.

They both decide to test it by asking a question each.
Barak goes first.

"What will the USA be like in 100 years time"

The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout,
he reads it out

"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is
non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no
worries"

David thinks "Its not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that" so he
asks

"What will Great Britain be like in 100 years time?"

The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.

David just stares at it.
"Come on David" says Barak, "What does it say"

Dave replies,
"Buggered if I know! It's all in Arabic!"

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Good medical Advice

Good medical advice from the Jewish sagesof old ...

1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but it's harmful if done
every day.

2. F***ing relaxes your mind and body.

3.. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After F***ing, don't eat too much; go for more liquids.

5. Try f***ing in bed 'cause it can save you valuable energy.

6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol levels.

SO, REMEMBER ...
Fasting is good for your health

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 From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Health and Safety Christmas

The holly and the ivy adorn the festive walls
Then a man with pen and clipboard resolutely calls

The holly looks too spiky, a safety risk he fears,
Such dangers must be stopped or all will end in tears.

A risk assessment would be wise, I really think you should
Before you make the mince pies or stir the Christmas pud.

Santa Claus? He must not call without a CRB check
Before he visits children on his annual Christmas trek

The reindeer may have foot and mouth and really shouldn’t come
Just patting them may give you nasty diseases of the tum.

The lights upon the Christmas tree may give a nasty shock
The wiring may be faulty, an expert should take stock.

Christmas cards and wrapping a fire risk they may be
Wisest not to buy them and thus be hazard free.

Oh dear the snow is falling, the paths you must keep clear
A fall and broken bones will surely cost you dear.

Eat, drink and be merry, but what about your health?
Cirrhosis and obesity creep up with scary stealth.

Hanging in the doorway I see there's mistletoe,
I'm sorry but it's poisonous, it will really have to go.

A brilliant thought is offered, a really clever plan.
˜Why not cancel Christmas?" says the Health & Safety man.

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From: Kaos_reflex
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: Naughty 5 Year Old

Dave was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily.
"What's up Dave?" asked the bartender. "It's not like you to be so down in
the mouth."
"It's my five-year-old son, Little Johnny" the man replied.
"Don't tell me, he's in trouble for fighting in school? My boy's just the
same. Forget about it; it happens to boys that age," said the bartender,
sympathetically.
"I only wish it was that," answered Dave, "but it's much worse. "He got our
16-year-old baby sitter pregnant."
"That's impossible!" gasped the bartender.
"No, it's not." said Dave."The little cr*p stuck a pin in all my condoms."

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From: Sack
Subject: Dog rules for Christmas

1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear
to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting
dog leans.

2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not
assume that all the gifts are yours.

3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some
special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.

4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent
place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to
you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things
you need to know:

a. Don't pee on the tree

b. Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree

c. Mind your tail when you are near the tree

d. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting
or that have your name on them, don't rip them open

e. Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall
to the tree

5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit
during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call
for some discretion on your part:
a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans

b. Don't eat off the buffet table

c. Beg for goodies subtly

d. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa

e. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach

6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also
be important:

a. Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's
houses. (4a is particularly important)

b. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house

c. Tolerate children

d. Turn on your charm big time

7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your
fireplace in the middle of the night.
DON'T BITE HIM!!

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From: Sack
Subject: Cell Phone Etiquette :

After a very busy, tiring day at the office, the young woman settled down
in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed the station.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled
out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice ....

"Hi sweetheart, it's Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's
the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting - no,
honey, not with that floozy from the accounts office, with the boss.
No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross
my heart," etc., etc.

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the woman sitting
next to him, who was obviously annoyed by his continuous loud blabbing,
yelled "Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off, and come back to bed!"

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Golden Syrup....... Brilliant !!!!

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress
party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he
writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later
he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
        Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief
will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right
as a Pirate. The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his
disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.. A week passes and he
receives another parcel and note

Dear Sir,
        Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's
habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you
will really look the part. The man is really incandescent with rage now,
because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing
attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of
complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company 
with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
        Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour
the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick
your wooden leg up your ar*e and go as a toffee apple.

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From: The Great Gussius
Subject: If your friends acted like your pets
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Turbo tractor
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Slang
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang (OMG, Now he's studying philosophy - ED)
Subject: Philosophical Note

NEVER A TRUER WORD HAS BEEN SPOKEN

Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free . . ..

. .. It's women who make it hard !!

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: NOW THIS IS WHAT YOU CALL A FORKLIFT OPERATOR...

Thought you guys may need a bit of stress relief, your current job is a
walk in the park, imagine how long the operator practised this little
manoeuvre before perfection won the day.

Now this is what you call a forklift operator...
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: An Irishman applying for a job

An Irishman applying for a job as a blacksmith was asked if he had any
experience shoeing horses.

He said no, but he had once told a donkey to f*ck off.

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From: Wronknee
Subject: Pronunciation

Given that tough is pronounced 'tuff' in English (American).
Why would not doughnut be pronounced 'duffnut'?
Try that the next time you order tea and a...
Wronknee.

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From: Allnutts
Subject: Think Insulation, etc
 Click here

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From: Allnutts
Subject: A Hilarious Telephone Conversation - tummy ache
 Click here

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Opening Day of Deer Season
 Click here

Check List Complete:

I scouted the area all summer.

I searched out the best location for my tree-stand .

I set it all up a month ahead of time.

I trailed the herd .

I picked out a trophy buck.

Two days before opening day I rechecked every aspect of the hunt . ..

Everything was in place . . ..

Sunday morning, I woke up at 2 am . .. ..

I put on my camo, loaded my pack, set out for my stand . . .

This was destined to be an epic hunt . . ..

As I approached my deer stand . .

 . . I changed my mind, decided to go to church instead.

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Importance of an occupation after retirement

The importance of an occupation after retirement

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a
difference" in the world.

It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable
achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on
challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person:

THIS IS QUOTED FROM HAROLD:

"I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?'

Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of
the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whiskey into urine.
It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling.
I do it every day and I really enjoy it."

Harold is an inspiration to us all.

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Jaywalking All Stars
 Click here

--- Be ready to laugh!!

 Leno's Jaywalking All Stars

Remember- these people vote and reproduce

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Sticky Notes
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

-- Enjoy your magic moment today as it will not be here tomorrow.--

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: REPARTEE

1. Thomas Reed vs. Henry Clay
 Click here

2. Winston Churchill vs. Lady Astor
 Click here

3. NYC Mayor Ed Koch vs. Andrew Kirtzman, after the reporter 
insisted on pressing a point about an inconsistent statement Koch 
had made.
 Click here

4. Groucho Marx vs. a contestant on You Bet Your Life,
after the contestant revealed that he was a father of 10.
 Click here

5. Abraham Lincoln vs. Stephen Douglas, after Douglas
called him two-faced during a debate
 Click here

6. Oscar Wilde vs. Lewis Morris Morris, who had just been
passed over for the Poet Laureateship.
 Click here

7. Miriam Hopkins vs. an anonymous singer
 Click here

8. James McNeill Whistler vs. Oscar Wilde, after Whistler
had made a particularly witty observation.
 Click here

9. Reverend Edward Everett Hale vs. the U.S. Senate,
when asked if he prayed for the Senators.
 Click here

10. Edna Ferber vs. Noel Coward Coward was remarking upon the fact
that Ferber was wearing a tailored suit
 Click here

11. Henry Clay vs. Massachusetts Senator Daniel Webster
after seeing a pack of mules walk by.
 Click here

12. Winston Churchill vs. a Member of Parliament
 Click here

13. Calvin Coolidge vs. some random lady at a White House dinner.
 Click here

14. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart vs. an admirer
 Click here

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From: Burnout
Subject: Telstra Customer Service
 Click here

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From: Diks
Subject: Ideas for a Christmas Gift! LMAO!

No matter what your political affiliation, you have to like *The Bill and
Hillary Kitchen Set
 Click here

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From: Diks
Subject: The Christmas Harbor Freight Flyer is out already

I gotta get some of this sh*t!!!!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Diks
Subject: New for 2013.....
*IT JUST HIT THE SHELVES!!!*****
 Click here

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Million Dollar Question (Very Good! - ED)
 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: You'll never see this advert on TV
 Click here

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 From: Nottingham Smithie (XXX - ED)
Subject: Be Very Careful With eBay !

 Be Very Careful With eBay !
 PLEASE BE AWARE AND TAKE NOTE OF eBAY TRADERS NOT SELLING AS ADVERTISED.
 I have been scammed.
 I ordered a blow up doll and this is what they sent me ....
 Click here

 BASTARDS .... !!

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Paddy goes to the Florist
 Click here

Paddy goes into a Dublin Florist shop and says,
"I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend".

The florist looked at him and said, "Certainly Sir, what is it you're
after?"

"A f*ck ", Paddy replies.

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: She Lives In A Boeing 727...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

She Lives In A Boeing 727

What a creative idea! Joanne Ussary bought a used Boeing 727. She paid
$2,000.00 for the plane. It cost $4,000.00 to move and $24,000.00 to
renovate. (She has a LOT of wood and specialty windows for $24,000! I want
her carpenter!) But not bad for a $30,000.00 investment... The stairs open
with a garage door remote and one of the bathrooms is still intact. There
is a personal Jacuzzi in the c*ckpit. The Boeing home is featured as part
of a collection of creative conversions. It has a spectacular view! (I
wonder how much the land with this view cost!!!) WOW!!!

THE WOMAN WHO DID THIS IS A GENIUS....VERY CREATIVE!

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From: anonymous (Excellent - ED)
Subject: Dog shame list
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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From: anonymous
Subject: For Friday Humour

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL

This is Fun!

CLICK ON EACH REINDEER
 Click here

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Quote of the Week:

"It's easy to give Money, the hard thing is committing".
Dame Elisabeth MURDOCH

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[ End friday humour ]

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