Friday humour - November 30, 2012

From Burnout @ Bluehaze:-

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Never underestimate a Redneck

His name was Bubba, he was from Mississippi ... And he needed a loan,

So... He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan
Officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an
International redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000;
and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security
for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new
Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The
Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer
agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having
to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at
the Redneck from the South for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a
$5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private
underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest
of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn &
Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished
Alumni from Ole Miss University, a highly sophisticated investor and
Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the
world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around
Sweetwater, Texas .

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car
for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

His name was BUBBA....

Keep an eye on those southern boys!

Just because we talk funny does not mean we are stupid.

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From: Arfermo
Subject: Loving cat with odd eyes
 Click here

Open this link and enjoy something quite unique and wonderful.

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From: Arfermo
Subject: Flash mob La Traviata
 Click here

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 From: Burnout
Subject: BLACK VOODOO MAMA
 Click here

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From: Burnout
Subject: Tablecloth Magic.....
 Click here

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From: Cartographer Chris
Subject: Brilliant
 Click here

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From: Kaos_reflex
Subject: The Toughest Bridge in the World

Hey, the yanks may not know how to build cities etc to withstand hurricanes
but these bridge builders are a different lot.
 Click here

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From: Kaos_reflex

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up,
only to find out that she's pregnant.

She is furious...

Here she is -- in the  middle of dealing with this
Libyan mess -- now this has happened to her!

She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming:

"You bastard! How could you have let this happen?  With all that's going on
right now, you go and get me pregnant!  How could you? I can't  believe
this!  I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault
! ............ Well, what have you got to say?"

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.

She screams again, "Did you hear me?"

Finally, she hears Bill's very very quiet voice, in abarely audible
whisper:  "Who's speaking?"

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From: Kaos_reflex
Subject: Confusing
 Click here

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: FORGOT MY GLASSES......

Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn 't do something useful with my time.

She suggested I go down to the gym  and hang out with the gals.

I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a
parachute club.

She said "Are you nuts? You 're almost 70 years old and you 're going to
start Jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "For heaven's sake, where are your glasses! This is a
membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five jumps
a week!

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier.

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Magician switches the underwear of two women

PRETTY MAGICAL!

Watch as magician David Copperfield switches underwear of two women
selected at random from the audience. Amazing!
 Click here

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Clever Canadians

New Canadian Money

(Please concentrate closely on the Medical Warning at the end of this
message.)

Darned clever, these Canadians!

Perhaps America and Europe should consider changing their currencies too.

Due to the global war on terrorism, many terrorist organizations have had
their finances frozen. Consequently, they have resorted to counterfeiting.

The Canadians have decided to redesign their currency to prevent the
radical Muslims from even touching it! It is also hoped that this will have
a positive effect on tourism.

Muslim terrorists have to kill themselves if they see a naked woman.

Those Canadians always find the solution!
Must be the pure water up there in the North!

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: joke

Two women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or so, they come to a
stream. Unable to cross, they decide to walk along the stream and look for
a narrower place. Fortunately they come to an old bridge spanning the
stream. Deciding the bridge safe, the two women proceed to cross.
Halfway across, one woman stops and says to the other, I've always wanted
to be like the guys, and urinate off a bridge.
The other woman looks around and says, Well, I don't see anyone around,
now’s your chance!
The first woman drops her hiking shorts and backs over to the side of the
bridge. As she begins to urinate, she looks over her shoulder.
Holy $hit! she exclaims, I just pi$$ed in a canoe!
Alarmed, the second woman hurries over, and peeks at the stream. Calm down,
she says. That wasn't a canoe, it was only your reflection.

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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  Today's Humor

A young Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, "I'm
pregnant."
He asked, "How did this happen, my child?"
She said, "I think it must be the second coming."
The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think this has
anything to do with the Second Coming?"
She replied, "Because I swallowed the first one."

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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  LESBIONICS . . . . . . . adult themes . . . . .

A new term known as 'Lesbionics'....
1. What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet

2 What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klond*ke

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
Militia Etheridge.

4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
Fur Traders.

6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
A Lickalotapuss.

7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well Hung.

8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?
She was found face down in RickiLake.

9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

10. What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-a-likes.

11. What's the definition of confusion?
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

12. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker; the other's a crack snacker

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Police Officers

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were
taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went
through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch
after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a
worthless doc*ment."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed
of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write
anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" (MY FAVORITE)

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it
will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again
or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk
or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to
ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
oven."

12 "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." (National Crime
Information Centre)

13 "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed
to write as many tickets as we can."

15 "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of
yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't..
Sign here."

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Reverend John Flapps.

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland..

One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of
his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.

The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and
sat down next to the woman.  'Mrs Fitzgerald,' he said sternly.  'This is
no place for a member of my congregation.  Why don't you let me take you
home?'

'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.  When Mrs Fitzgerald
stood up from the bar, she began to weave  back and forth.

The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her
arms to steady her.  When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled
to the floor.  After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound
up on top Of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.  The pub
landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying
on in this pub.'

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you don't understand,
I'm Pastor Flapps.'

The landlord nodded and said,

'Oh  well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'

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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  Jokes

living next door to a Muslim couple at the moment. They have 3 little kids
and they've challenged me to a water fight in the back yard, so I'm just
writing to you while the kettle boils!

* Can you spare just $5.00?   Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Zambia .  He
has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school
along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1
pedal. If you send us just $5.00, we will send you the video - its
hilarious.

* I've caught a stray parrot in my garden. All he says is, "Good morning
you ugly pr*ck."  It's not yours is it?

* I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations.
Just had one from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful.

* I went to the optometry today - he told me I was colour blind. I'm rather
worried now that some of my buddies could be black. If you are, can you
delete my e-mail address?

* There's a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market:  Trycoxagain.

*In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do
women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa

*One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells.
It appears that Aboriginals and their cousins is not the correct answer.

*My wife told me I was no longer romantic so I booked a table for the two
of us on Valentine's Night. Problem was she not interested in snooker &
darts.

*There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in  Bondi, but I've been banned
from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.

*You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive
slowly past schools.

*A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the
symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard
and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

*A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a
moustache."

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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  joke

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said,'Things
are great and I've never felt better.' I now have a 20 year-old bride who
is pregnant with my child.

"So what do you think about that Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a
story.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never
misses a season." One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a
hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at
the water's edge…He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he
couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane,
aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went
'bang, bang'."

"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what
do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

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From: Diks
Subject: Ohio State
 Click here

So, you think you are an Ohio State FAN?

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From: Dry Bob
Subject: inventing religion
 Click here

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From: Dry Bob
Subject: opinion
 Click here

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From: Kaos_reflex
Subject: PET CELEBRITIES
Captain Jack Sparrow
 Click here
Audrey Hepburn
 Click here
Che Guevara
 Click here
Michael Jackson
 Click here
Albert Einstein
 Click here
Austin Powers
 Click here
Karl Lagerfeld
 Click here
Ozzy Osbourne
 Click here
Elvis Presley
 Click here
Grace Kelly
 Click here
Bob Marley
 Click here
Yoda
 Click here
Katy Perry
 Click here
Abba
 Click here
John Wayne
 Click here

 Click here Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: Irrefutable Proof
 Click here

Just goes to show you...It's true....
Irrefutable Proof

Irrefutable proof that a good woman can bring balance and stability to your
life

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: WW11 pigeon code broken!
 Click here

Apparently this was on the News - as read by Alvar Liddell ??????
You may have heard that GCHQ were unable to break a coded message recently
found attached to a dead pigeon.
Well it has now been decoded from the image below!

It was sent by a German spy called Augustin Preucil, who was then living in
England, on the 15th of September 1940, addressed to Adolf Hitler and reads
as follows:-
BRITAIN NOW ON ITS KNEES. OPERATION SEA LION MUST BEGIN NOW. DO NOT WAIT.
INVASION SUCCESS IS GUARANTEED.
It seems that the bird was killed when it flew into an explosion as a
German bombing raid began a few miles away from its release............

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From: Sack
Subject: 8-Seater Hybrid MPV - Made in India...
 Click here

*8-SEATER MPV!!**Fresh air ventilation system**.* *One-wheel drive**.*
*Economical 250 cc motor.*

Low capital, low maintenance.*A bit tricky when cornering.**Easy entry and
exit!*

No need licence.  No need road tax. No need insurance. No need co-driver.

No need safety belt. No need air-con. No need wipers. No need sun-block. No
need air bags.

No need to be afraid.              Die only once.

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From: Sack
Subject: CREATIVE GARDEN
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Sack
Subject:  How to assist a drunk driver -- video
 Click here

How to assist a drunk-driver

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: SISTER MARY ANN'S GASOLINE

        Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out
making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As
luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

        She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The
attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but
she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way
to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
        She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas
and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful,
Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline,
and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

        As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from
across the street.. One of them turned to the other and said,

        'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'!!

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Hold on and watch..this is the ULTIMATE in  trick photography!
 Click here

Makes you think twice about going over a bridge.
Try and watch on a big screen! This is just wild!!!!!!

And we are taking a ride down to Cape cod this morning crossing over the
bridge !!!!!!!
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Emailing: Attach0011
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  Attached Doc*ment
 Click here

For all you who can't read upside down

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: A Hot Summer
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

How hot is your summer?

You know it was hot when .

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Surveillance WARNING!....(XXX - ED)
 Click here

Enough already with this big brother spying on us!!

  This came to me from a trusted friend in the intelligence field, so you
can believe what this email says.

This is serious. There are spies, trojans, malware & viruses all over the
place.
Please be careful of what you download.

Be careful. Some as*hole may be watching you!!

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: A very smart bird!
 Click here

 WOW!!!

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: A Normal Day in Africa...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here
You cannot say it's a boring place to be!

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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  Interesting rides
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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From: anonymous
Subject: A Reading from Genesis

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all
corners of the earth.

Then he made the earth round......
And he laughed and laughed and laughed....

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From: anonymous
Subject: Parent Rap - Love it!!!!

This is funny - enjoy!!
 Click here

You may feel distinctly average.  But to your dog you are exceptional,
wonderful, the one and only!

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Quote of the Week:

Don't hold your parents up to contempt. After all, you are their son, and
it is just possible that you may take after them.

:Evelyn Waugh

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[ End friday humour ]

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