Friday humour - November 23, 2012

From Gussius @ Bluehaze.

Speculation abounds that a solution to the Middle East conflict has come
from an unlikely source. Is it possible that John Lennon’s lyric in the
song ‘Imagine’ is about to come to pass for the same reason?

NASA have said that they're keeping quiet for now about Curiosity rover on
Mars and some exciting news until the facts have been checked. Curiosity is
equipped with organic detectors capable of detecting life traces. If life
on Mars were to be confirmed, that would wrap it up for God botherers
across the globe of all denominations.

Imagine, mass redundancies of clergy, no churches for pedos to hide, no
reason to wage crusades.
Imagine, it's easy if you try.

Contributions this week are from Arfermo, Burnout, Craig K, Duke of
Barsinov, Kaos_reflex, Nottingham
Smithie, Sack, Seasoldier, Whizzbang, Annonymous3, Cartographer Chris,
Diks, Duke of Barsinov,

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Dance of 1000 Hands Fantastic:

This is something quite special for my special friends and others.

Read the paragraph below FIRST before you watch the video (& turn-on
speakers)

There is an awesome dance, called the Thousand-Hand Guanyin, which is
making the rounds across the net. Considering the tight coordination
required, their accomplishment is nothing short of amazing, even if they
were not all deaf.

Yes, you read correctly. All 21 of the dancers are complete deaf-mutes.
Relying only on signals from trainers at the four corners of the stage,
these extraordinary dancers deliver a visual spectacle that is at once
intricate and stirring. Its first major international debut was in Athens
at the closing ceremonies for the 2004 Paralympics.

But it had long been in the repertoire of the Chinese Disabled People's
Performing Art Troupe and had traveled to more than 40 countries. The lead
dancer is 29 year old Tai Lihua, who has a BA from the Hubei
Fine Arts Institute. The video was recorded in Beijing during the Spring
Festival this year.
 Click here

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I know I'm not the most romantic person, but I have to admit, I found this
story really touching:

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall
was packed. Walking through the mall the surprised wife looked up and
noticed her husband was no where around and she was very upset because they
had a lot to do.

She used her mobile to call her husband because she was so upset, to ask
him where he was. The husband in a calm voice said, honey remember the
jewellery store we went into 5 years ago where you fell in love with that
diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get
it for you one day. His wife said crying, yes I remember that jewellery
store.

He said, well I'm in the bar next to it.

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Mikko Hypponen: Fighting viruses, defending the net:
 Click here

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Out of control concrete whirlybird:

This starts slowly but the commentary really makes it.
 Click here

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Friday Humour:
 Click here

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Dr Who:

Are you a Dr. Who follower?  Do you like Rowan Atkinson?  I laughed &
laughed at the following.    What the heck, even if you're not a Dr. Who
follower, or not a Rowan Atkinson fan, or Joanna Lumley fan,
maybe watch it anyhow.
 Click here

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A Scouts letter home:

Dear Mum,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood
on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping
bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all
up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write
because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps.
It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been
for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling
anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he
probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire,
the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our
clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Sat*rday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It
wasn't his fault about the crash.
The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus
that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why
he can't get insurance.

We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's
hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45
people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer
until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact,
he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't
any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to
the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam
was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we
didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great.
You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad
about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so
we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew
dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet
works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food
poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with
food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster.
He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was
doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some
more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight
it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

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Tennessee Mountain woman:

A Tennessee Mountain Woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and
come back in a couple of days with a specimen.
When she got home, she asked her husband, "What is a specimen?"

He replied, "Danged if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse."
The woman went next door and came back in about twenty minutes with her
clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body.
"What in the world happened?" asked her husband.
"Danged if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and she
told me to go p*ss in a bottle.
I told her to go fart in a jug and then all hell broke loose."

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An Unexpected Briefing:

This is one safety briefing I would listen to properly!
Air New Zealand partnered with WETA Workshop on a brand new Hobbit inspired
Safety Video.

The best safety briefing I've seen - a great 4 minutes viewing.
 Click here

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Thug picked the wrong bloke - 34 yo vs 71 yo:
 Click here
Mark-Pearce-punched-face-Torquay-attack.html

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Jetski power:
 Click here

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LIVE LIKE SOMEONE LEFT THE GATE OPEN:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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Home Made Farm Car:
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 Click here Click here Click here

Never give a Farmer a welder...Home Made Farm Car

When you live on a farm you learn to "make do" with whatever you find in
the barn!!

This is the exact and perfect example of why we save everything. This car
has been built with all of the junk laying out back in the pile, and under
the work bench, and stuffed in the rafters. All this guy needed was a
little time on his hands.

Spotted in Cannon Falls , MN on 5/23/12 Its a car? or a truck?

Milk can fuel tank
Check out the gearing wheel...What do you see?

Dash is a saw blade with handles attached - tractor hand brake - tachometer
- 2 mirrors mounted on horse shoes - big truck signal switch mounted on
left - single wiper motor -

How many men who grew up on a farm are now thinking Why didn�t we do
that?

cow milking aparatus on air cleaner - galvanized wash tub fan shroud -

Tractor wrench bracket for headlamp housing -

Rear seats from toilet with stereo speakers below them - Newhome seat backs
including an Oxen yoke!!

The rear lamp frame built with sawblades and a chicken feeder box - manure
spreader drive is still intact -
horse shoe door hinges

Tractor seats with pitchfork backs - seat belts - tractor compartment box
behind driver seat - gear shift beside hand brake - stereo & cd player on
dash blade - the drive chains are still on the floor board. Also please
note that he put in seat belts - so he must be street legal??

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Repo!:
 Click here

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The password..:
 Click here

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Mozzie Vids:
 Click here
annotation_id=annotation_804090&feature=iv&src_vid=YEyDlgJYIF8&v=kUU7hBGy0lk
 Click here Click here Click here

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This is what I call addiction:
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 Click here

SOMEHOW ONE GETS THE IMPRESSION THAT THIS BLOKE LIKES CARS AND THE BITS
ATTACHED TO
CARS ! ! !

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Your first Christmas Card:

I love Christmas lights!
They remind me of.....
the people who voted for Obama......

They all hang together;
half of them don't work,
and the ones that do,
aren't all that bright!

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Men Who Lack Female Supervision:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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Message from Her Majesty:
 Click here

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty
Queen Elizabeth II  
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates
for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)  
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths,
and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
 
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether
any of you noticed.
 
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:
 
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,'
'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced
by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
 
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such
as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted
to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of
'-ize.'
 
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for
shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
 
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if
you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
 
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will
go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
British sense of humour.
 
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
 
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips,
and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called
crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with
catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred
to as Lager.
Australian beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the
greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.
y are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine,
so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
 
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in
Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.
 
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
 
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
an event called the
World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only
2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is
understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South
Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
 
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
 
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies
due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes;
plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
 
God Save the Queen!

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This is NOT stainless steel...My, Oh My..:
 Click here Click here Click here

This  is not stainless steel or  chrome...

 Recession?  What recession?
So, it seems that this  "global recession" has not impacted  negatively on
everyone.
Check this out! 
It's a Mercedes Benz owned by an   Abu  Dhabi     oil billionaire 
(naturally).

Featuring the newly  developed V10 quad turbo with 1,600  horsepower and
2800nm of torque
0-100km/h in  less than 2secs, 1/4 mile in 6.89 secs  running on bio fuel.
 
That is NOT  stainless steel, nor chrome  people,
it  is WHITE GOLD!    I'm sure  you'll sleep better tonight, knowing that
the   exorbitant dollars/pounds you're paying for petrol/diesel these days
are  at least going to a good  cause...      

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+++ Time: 20121116203802
+++ From: Duke of Barsinov +++ Subject: Fw: Fwd: First Aid from your
kitchen +++ File links:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Well I never! something to keep in the first aid box or perhaps the
kitchen.

Who knew? 
Did you know that Colgate Toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns? 

Sore throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1
tablespoon six times a day
The vinegar kills the bacteria. 

Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer. Just dissolve two tablets
in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer
begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly-even though
the product was never advertised for this use. 

Honey remedy for skin blemishes...... Cover the blemish with a dab of honey
and place a Band-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin
sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight. 

Listerine therapy for toenail fungus: Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus
by soaking your toes in
Listerine Mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking
healthy again. 

Easy eyeglass protection... To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from
loosening, apply a small drop of
Maybelline Crystal Clear Nail Polish to the threads of the screws before
tightening them. 

Smart splinter remover: Just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue-All over the
splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter
sticks to the dried glue. 

Balm for broken blisters... To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few
drops of Listerine, a powerful antiseptic.. 

Vinegar to heal bruises... Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it
to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up
the healing process.. 

Quaker Oats for fast pain relief.... it's not for breakfast anymore! Mix 2
cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave
for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for
soothing relief from arthritis pain.

If you send this to one person who doesn't know about this, then it was
worth it.
 
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Truly wonderful photos, not to miss:
 Click here

Also for small children!

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Some new one, some old ones
 Click here

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Have a Laugh:
 Click here

AFRICA!!!
A man who makes caskets was on his way to deliver one of the coffins when,
not that far from his destination, his car broke down.

Trying not to be late out of respect for the client, he put the coffin on
his head and began heading to his destination.

Some policemen saw him and wanted to make some money off him (bribe), so
they challenged him:

"Hey!!! What are you carrying and where are you going?!"
 The man said, "Eish, I do not like where I was buried, so I am busy
relocating".

The Policemen turned and ran for their lives!!!

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Interesni fotografii:
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Gonna be a Bear:
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I LOVE A SUNBURNT COUNTRY:
 Click here

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FDOO (For Dog Owners Only) - What your dog would text if they had a phone:
Grey texts are the Dog.
Green texts are his Owner.
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Repeat after me:
 Click here

I WILL NOT complain about my job, EVER AGAIN!!

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Great ads:
 Click here

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Poems

  A WOMAN'S POEM:

  Before I lay me down to sleep,
  I pray for a man who's not a creep,
  One who's handsome, smart and strong.
  One who loves to listen long,
  One who thinks before he speaks,
  One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
  I pray he's rich and self-employed,
  And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
  Pull out my chair and hold my hand..
  Massage my feet and help me stand.
  Oh send a king to make me queen.
  A man who loves to cook and clean.
  I pray this man will love no other.
  And relish visits with my mother.

  A MAN'S POEM:

  I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
  big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
  and loves to send me fishing and drinking.. This
  doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh*t.

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BOB the Builder - simple but brilliant:
 Click here

Sometimes that's just the way it is.

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What happens when pot is legalised in Colorado:
 Click here

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Litter in the park:
 Click here

Please, don't leave your litter in the park

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IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1. U can't count your hair.

2. U can't wash your eyes with soap.

3. U can't breathe when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in fool.

10 Things I know about you...

1) U are reading this.

2) U are human.

3) U can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.

4) U just attempted to do it.

6) U are laughing at yourself.

7) U have a smile on your face and you skipped No.5.

8) U just checked to see if there is a No.5.

9) U laugh at this because you are a nut case and everyone does
this, too.

10) U are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in
the "nut case" category.

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Beary Funny:
 Click here

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Fishing & 4wd Incidents!:
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Moral to the story is be careful!!

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Mating Call - I like this one:

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden
one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely
until he heard an answering,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!

He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all
about. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian
men see cave, they holler
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening.. If they get an answer back, it
means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.

The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo!
Wooooo! Wooooo!'  Immediately,
there was the answer.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied
a third large cave.  As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge
opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is
bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine
women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'

Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO,
WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the
cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read................

You'll like this ....

NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

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Fifty Shades of Grey. A "Poem" - Cute!!!!:

Me missus bought a paperback
Down town on Sat*rday,
I had a peep into her bag;
'Twas Fifty Shades of Grey."

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.

Her left hand held a length of rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago
I might have had a peek;
But Doris hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled up upon her feet
A cuppla minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
That I must dominate her!!

Now if you knew our Doris,
You would see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude, just naked like,
Bent forward just a bit.
I took a pace to brace meself
And stood on her left tit!

Old Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
Step on the other one!

Well readers, I won't tell no more
What happened on that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair
Turned fifty shades of grey.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

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[ End friday humour ]

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