Friday humour - November 02, 2012

Not much to say about Sandy. Sure puts the elections into perspective ...

This weeks offerings courtesy of Burnout, Cartographer Chris, Diks, KRP,
Mitta, Nottingham Smithie, Sack, Seasoldier, Whizzbang,
Wronknee, and the Anon.

Enjoy!

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Ze Germans are at it again ...
 Click here

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A woman starts dating a doctor.

Before long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About
nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest
goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.
 
The doctor says to the woman "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on
the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle". "Do
you think it will work?" she asks. "It's worth a try" he says.
 
So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the
operation he goes in to the priest and says "Father,
you're not going to believe this".
"What?" asks the priest "what happened?"
"You gave birth to a child!" "But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation" insists the doctor "it's a miracle! Here's your
baby".
 
Fifteen years go by and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth.
One day, he sits the boy down and says "Son, I have something to tell you.
I'm not your father".
The son says "What do you mean, you're not my father?
" The priest replies "I am your mother.
The archbishop is your father"...

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Idiot sightings

IDIOT SIGHTING 1:
I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5
note.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don't
do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's in Shepparton Vic.

IDIOT SIGHTING 2:
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a
'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that
time, a 1/2 horsepower..
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four
is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since. Happened in Bankstown NSW.

IDIOT SIGHTING 3:
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbour call the local council to request the
removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out here! I don't think
this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
Story from Bauple Qld

IDIOT SIGHTING 4:
My daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Castle Hill, Sydney

IDIOT SIGHTING 5:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
This happened at Melbourne Airport

IDIOT SIGHTING 6:
The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the
street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee in the Adelaide P.O. SA

IDIOT SIGHTING 7:
When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after
a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly
to unlock the driver's side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle
and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
Holden Dealership Townsville Qld

STAY ALERT! They walk among us...!

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Italian Carpool Lane
 Click here

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A young woman goes to her doctor, afraid of the green spot on the inside of
each of her thighs,

"They won't wash off, they seem to be getting worse."

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, not to worry
until the tests come back. A few days later, the woman's phone rings, it's
the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy. There's no problem.

But, I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"

The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"

"Tell him his earrings are not real gold."

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Always learn new stuff!

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the
eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a
sh*tty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't
bring tears to your eyes.

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Returning Home!

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.

While en-route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in
the act.

For $100, the cab driver agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and the cab driver tip-toe into the
bedroom.

The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is
his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the man's head.

The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

HE paid for the Mercedes I gave you.

HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.

HE paid for your football season tickets.

HE paid for our house on the Costa del Sol.

HE paid for our golf club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.

He looks over at the cab driver and says "What would you do?"

The cab driver replies, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches
cold."

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A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.
Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her
husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going
to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time
being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain
and, as it was still early enough, decided to go to the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would
have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not
with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting
around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and
copping a little touch here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and, being a rather seductive babe herself, he
left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe
who had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished ... naturally,
since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So
off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the
costume away, and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would
make for his behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a
time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good
time when you're not there."

- "Did you dance much?"
- "You know, I never even danced one dance.
When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning, and some other guys, so we
went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to
believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to ..."

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Drinking and Driving In Ireland

Paddy and Mick were driving down the road drinking a couple of beers.

The passenger, Mick, suddenly said, 'Lord tundering.... up ahead -- it's a
police roadblock!!

We're gonna get busted for drinkin' dese here beers!!'

'Don't worry,' Paddy said. 'We'll just pull over and finish dese beers,
then peel off the label, stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles
under the seat.'

'What fer?'

'Jist let me do de talkin', OK?'

So they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight and put a
label on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock,

the Royal Irish Constabulary officer took a long look at the two of them
and said,

'You boys been drinkin'?'

'No at all,' said Paddy, pointing at the labels. 'We're on the patches.'

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The Polish Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange
a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circ*mstances,
and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand.
Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read
English pretty good, and it say:
Polish Remover.

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The latest news from CERN is that scientists there may have discovered a
companion particle to the elusive Higgs Boson. Until this discovery is
confirmed the tentative name for the new particle is the Bosun's Mate.

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Why didn't we think of this?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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Good news! For the first time, women in Saudi Arabia are permitted to drive
cars.
 Click here

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Who did the calculations for this water slide?
 Click here

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Prophetic ...
 Click here

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Interesting Job on Gumtree
 Click here

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50 shades
 Click here

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The Taxidermist

A bloke walks into a bar in Birdsville and orders a shandy.

All the shearers sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another
Australian visitor.

The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What the heck is a taxidermist? Do you
drive a taxi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and yells, "He's okay boys. He's one of us."

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Changing tyres ... three parts
 Click here

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Wanting Coffee:

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male
buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down
in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts
of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand,
pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and
says to the waiter "Want coffee."

The waiter says "Whoa! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in Canadian
government. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave sh*t for others to
clean up, disappear for rest of day."

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Leaving Home
 Click here

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Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other,
waiting outside the Operating Room.
The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'
The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little
nervous.'
The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done
when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you
lots of jello and ice cream. It's a breeze.'
The second kid then asks, 'What are you in here for?
The first kid says, 'A circ*mcision.'
The second kid says, 'Whoa, good luck with that one, buddy! I had that done
when I was BORN...Couldn't walk for a year.

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ZX14 - Before and after.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Damage?
-Fractured right ankle.
-Broken right toe.
-Broken right collar bone.
-Shattered right wrist.
-Shattered right humorous.
-Soft tissue damage left & right.

And one sorely missed bike.

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The first five days after the weekend are the hardest
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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More dog shaming
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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