Friday humour - October 26, 2012

From Gussius @ Bluehaze

Welcome to another edition of Friday Humour.

Contributions this week are from Arfermo, Billy Bunter of Adelaide,
Burnout, Cartographer Chris, Diks,
KRP, Sack, Anonymous3, Billy Bunter of Adelaide, Duke of Barsinov,
Nottingham Smithie, Seasoldier and the usual band of anon.

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Cremation reveals WWII shrapnel:

Amazing. Confounded Oz immigration too !!! Doubt my widow, whenever, will
get my gold fillings.
 Click here

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The sack:

I just got sacked from my job with the Samaritans crisis centre.

A guy called Mohammed phoned and said, "My girlfriend left me so I'm lying
on the railway track at Central station waiting for the train to come".

I swear, all I said was, "Remain calm and stay on the line".

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"Fifty Shades of Grey":

The missus bought a Paperback
Down Brixham, Sat*rday, 
I had a peep into her bag;
...T’was “Fifty Shades of Grey”. 

Well I just left her to it,
and 'kipped' upon my bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread…..

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She waved them all about herself,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Doris hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled up upon her feet;
A short few minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and… commanded I dominate her!!

Now if you knew our Doris,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d muttered.

She stood there nude, naked like;
Bent forward just a bit ….
I thought what the hell,
Stepped forward,
And stood on her left tit!

Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one ! "

Well readers, I can’t tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,….
Turned “fifty shades of Grey”.

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Letter to a Men's helpline:

Hi Bob,
I really need your advice on a serious problem:

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she
goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when
she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight
I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of
someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her
purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline
crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld
or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

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Rough game:
 Click here

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Brains of Britain:

Hard to pick a winner........ Some real beauties here!!

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

Jeremy Paxman:
What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?

Contestant:
Homos*xuals.

Jeremy Paxman:
No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston:
Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant:
Geography isn't my strong point.

Jamie Theakston:
There's a clue in the title.

Contestant:
Leicester

BBC NORFOLK

Stewart White:
Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?

Contestant:
I don't know.

Stewart White:
I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and
your elbow?

Contestant:
Arm

Stewart White:
Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?

Contestant:
Strong.

Stewart White:
Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

Contestant:
Louis

Stewart White:
Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A
Wonderful World?

Contestant:
Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )

Alex Trelinski:
What is the capital of Italy ?

Contestant:
France.

Trelinski:
France is another country. Try again.

Contestant:
Oh, um, Benidorm.

Trelinski:
Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the
Parthenon?

Contestant:
Sorry, I don't know.

Trelinski:
Just guess a country then.

Contestant:
Paris.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson:
Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about
their experiences in what:
-
Prison, or the Conservative Party?

Contestant:
The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )

DJ Mark:
For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

Ruth from Rowley Regis:
I think I know that one.. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

Bamber Gascoyne:
What was Gandhi's first name?

Contestant:
Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol )

Presenter:
What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?

Contestant:
I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO? MANCHESTER )

Phil:
What's 11 squared?

Contestant:
I don't know.

Phil:
I'll give you a clue It's two ones with a two in the middle.

Contestant:
Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard:
Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

Contestant:
Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard:
On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant:
Er. ... ..

Richard:
He makes bread . . .

Contestant:
Er .. .....

Richard:
He makes cakes . . .

Contestant:
Kipling Street?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN

Presenter:
Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant:
Barcelona.

Presenter:
I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant:
I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Question:
What is the world's largest continent?

Contestant:
The Pacific.

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )

Presenter:
Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting
by Leonardo da Vinci

Contestant:
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)

Steve Le Fevre:
What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?

Contestant:
Magna Carta?

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

James O'Brien:
How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Contestant:
Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )

Chris Searle:
In which European country is Mount Etna ?

Caller:
Japan.

Chris Searle:
I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can
let you try again.

Caller:
Er ........ Mexico ?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )

Paul Wappat:
How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant (long pause):
Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

Daryl Denham:
In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant:
Holland?

Daryl Denham:
Try the next letter of the alphabet.

Contestant:
Iceland? Ireland ?

Daryl Denham: (helpfully)

It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?

Contestant:
No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)

Phil Wood:
What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant:
Er... .... ..

Phil Wood:
It's got two syllables .. . . Kor . .

Contestant:
Blimey?

Phil Wood:
Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .

Contestant:
(Silence)

Phil Wood:
OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .

Contestant:
Walked?

THE VAULT

Melanie Sykes:
What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep
at any time?

Contestant:
Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)

Presenter:
What religion was Guy Fawkes?

Contestant:
Jewish.

Presenter:
That's close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)

Wright:
Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad
only in a loin cloth did he play?

Contestant:
Jesus.

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B I N G O.....................:

A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man.
He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered.

A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasped.

Long seconds dragged on but no one stepped out of the crowd.

A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, "A PRIEST, PLEASE!
Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?"

Finally, out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man in his 80s.

"Mr. Policeman," said the man, "I'm not a priest.  I'm not even a
Christian.  But for 50 years now, I'm living behind the Catholic Church on
Second Avenue , and every night I'm overhearing their services.  I can
recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man."

The policeman agreed, and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to
where the injured man lay.

The old Jewish man knelt down, leaned over the man and said in a solemn
voice:

"B-5 ....  I-19 ... N-38 ... G-54 .... O-72 . ..  ."

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Obama & Queen Elizabeth:

One of the best jokes to come along (and it's not even political)

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a
warm and dignified reception from the Queen.****

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they
change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.
They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of
cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth
shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire.
The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use
handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two
dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Obama, "Mr. President, please accept my
regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen
cannot control."

Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not
give the matter another thought ... until you mentioned it, I thought it
was one of the horses."

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Andreas Scholl; Lost My Suitcase:
 Click here

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Oops:
 Click here

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Little Billy:

Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Billy: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs,
take the best bitch ever,
give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana,
a mansion in Paris , a jet to travel through Europe , an Infinite Visa Card
and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of
the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then
continues the lesson . . . .  "

And you, Nancy?"

"I wanna be Little Billy's bitch!"

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Why does Julia need to go to India "boost ties".
They are on the phone to us all day every day.

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Wal-Mart called, your family Christmas photos are in:
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The Future is Here:

Vasectomy

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very
attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all
of his clothes off.

When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The
man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top
and has her way with him.

Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what
that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown
that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more
relaxed and the cord is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby
making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.

The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.  While they are
going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and
sees six men in a room masturbating.

Curious, the man asks, "What are they doing in there"?  The nurse responds,
"They're preparing for vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross, and they
have Obama Care."

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Grandmas are special:

I keep telling you this, but does anyone listen.....nooooooo

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother
asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a Nudist colony, he cuts a
photo in half and mails it.

The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of
the photo. He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's
eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother, It says:
"Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle... It makes your nose
look too short."

Love,
Grandma

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I cant sleep:
 Click here

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Wooh!:
 Click here

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Omg..i cant believe this:
 Click here
Oh Dear

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Just a Bird Strike....you say...:
 Click here

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Swimwear Through The Ages:
 Click here

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Anyone can look cool, but ....:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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Trust me: I'm an engineer:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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AMAZING SIGHT IN THE SOUTH PACIFIC:
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A yacht was traveling in the south Pacific when the crew came across a
weird sight. Look at these photos and try to imagine the thrill of
experiencing this phenomenon.

A BEACH?

No! This is not a beach.

It's volcanic stones floating on the water.

WHERE IS THE VOLCANO?
AN UNBELIEVABLE SIGHT, SO I HAD TO TAKE PICTURES BECAUSE NO ONE WOULD
BELIEVE
IT!

THE WAKE FROM MY YACHT.

WE STAYED ON THE EDGE OF THE WATER. THEN THIS WAS SPOTTED:
ASH AND STEAM RISING FROM THE OCEAN.

And, while WE were watching, a plume of black ash, a HUGE CLOUD.

COVERING EVERYTHING IN RED, EVEN THIS FAR AWAY.
THEN THE SKY TURNS BLACK WITH ASH AND THE OCEAN TURNS GOLD FROM THE SUN'S
REFLECTION.

OUT OF THE OCEAN, MOUNTAIN PEAKS ARISE?
MORE ERUPTIONS; ASH AND CLOUDS.

THEN MOUNTAIN PEAKS RISE HIGHER WITHIN MINUTES.

AND A BRAND-NEW ISLAND IS FORMED!

CREATION OF MOUNTAINS

CAN YOU IMAGINE THE THRILL OF BEING THE FIRST AND ONLY PEOPLE TO WITNESS A
NEW
ISLAND BEING CREATED WHERE THERE WAS NOTHING THERE BEFORE?

Commentary:
This email forward arrives with a series of photographs that depict a
yacht's encounter with a large area of floating volcanic stones and the
apparent birth of a new volcanic island in the South
Pacific Ocean . Although the images are certainly unusual, they are
genuine. Both the phenomena of the floating stones and the newly formed
volcanic island have now been well doc*mented by a variety of reliable
sources including NASA.

The images in the email were taken from a post on the blog operated by
Fredrik Fransson and the crew of the yacht 'Maiken'. In August 2006, the
Maiken was sailing in the South Pacific near Tonga when it came across a
large area of floating volcanic stones (pumice). When lava with a high gas
and water content erupts from a volcano and then cools it can produce
pumice, a very light rock material filled with gas bubbles. Pumice is the
only kind of rock that can float on water. A large mass of pumice floating
on the ocean surface is known as a "pumice raft".

The Maiken attempted to sail into this massive pumice raft but was soon
forced to turn back:

And then we sailed into a vast, many miles wide, belt of densely packed
pumice. We were going by motor due to lack of wind and within seconds
Maiken slowed down from seven to one knot. We were so fascinated and busy
taking pictures that we plowed a couple of hundred meter into this surreal
floating stone field before we realized that we had to turn back. Just as
we came out of the stone field and entered reasonably normal water we
noticed that there came no cooling water from the engine.

Several other vessels in the region at the time also observed large pumice
rafts.

The day after their encounter with the pumice raft, the Maiken crew
discovered the volcano itself:

A couple of hours ago we identified the active volcano as the one close to
Home reef, and we are on our way there now to take a closer look.  We are
two miles from it and we can see the volcano clearly. One mile in diameter
and with four peaks and a central crater smoking with steam and once in a
while an outburst high in the sky with lava and ashes.

I think were the first ones out here so perhaps we could claim the island
and name them(?)

The following satellite image published by NASA's Earth Observatory clearly
shows a large pumice raft as well as the new island:

Photo courtesy Jesse Allen NASA Earth Observatory

Google Earth users can download a file showing the new island via the Earth
Observatory website.

To read more about the Maiken's adventures, visit the Fredrik and Crew on
Maiken Blog.

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Only in Australia:  XX Language XX
 Click here

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How to turn No 1's into No 2's:
 Click here

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Health Information from Kath:
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Important stuff you should know ....

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?  Do you suffer from shyness?  Do you
sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist
about Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more
confident about yourself and your actions.  It can help ease you out of
your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do
just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately
and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that
prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will
discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone.  Women who are
pregnant or nursing should not use it.  However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or
becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:  dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration,
loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity,
delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth,
and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker,
Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

WARNINGS:
* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.
* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your
friends over and over again that you love them.
* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can
sing.
* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that
you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important information with as many as
you feel may benefit!

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Wanted: A Good Proof Reader... TCH:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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INCOME TAX 2012 deduction:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Do you recognize anyone below?

New deductions for 2012 income tax return!

Don't  forget, on this year's income tax return, to list the names of
Members of Parliament and Senators as your dependents¯.

EARN WHILE  YOU SLEEP...

MPs at work: not bad for $10,000/month.

Others make only $8,000/month.

A little bit of reading on the side at $11,000/ month.

Writing your mail at the expense of the taxpayer...

Dammit, this job is so hard! I must ask for a raise.

I'm not  sleeping, I'm thinking about retirement and my
cost-of-living indexed pension.

So am I.  I only have to snooze here for six years to get the
pension.

Is it time for lunch yet in our taxpayer-subsidized
restaurant?

Pass this on...
WE  UNDERSTAND WHY THIS JOB IS SO SOUGHT AFTER.
IT IS IDEAL TO CATCH UP ON MISSED SLEEP AFTER  EXHAUSTING
TAXPAYER-FUNDED TRAVELS . . . WHILE WAITING SERENELY FOR
PROSPEROUS RETIREMENT OR FOR A SECURE REWARD  IN CASE
OF A LOST RE-ELECTION...

    P.S. . .

THE ABOVE ARE ACTUALLY SOME OF THE
MOST  DILIGENT MPs  BECAUSE THEY
ACTUALLY SHOWED UP IN PARLIAMENT!

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The Float:

Dad, can I take your float to the swimming pool?

Which float, son?

The one that's in your bedroom, Dad.

I can't remember having a float son, but no problem. Take whatever you want
to the swimming pool and just leave your dad in peace.

Great Dad, thanks very much!
 Click here

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They Walk Among Us..:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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 Click here Click here

White bag & bracelet are a great touch!

I guess this is the day she decided to stay in her PJs all day?

OMG. it's an epidemic!!

Not too sure about the cherry on the cupcake.. Cupcake!

Slippers, flippers??

M.I.C..KEY...M.O.U.S.E!!!  Whoops. M.I.N.NIE...

UMMMMMM.. Run Billy, run! He is gaining on you

Hey Gal..yo din't do yore hair dis morning.

Just love those leopard prints!

Black plastic. it's in this year.

Hey Hon. you should've taped it down!

Well??? It all matches!!

Oh no. not another one.

WTF!!!!!!!

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OLE fills in:

A doctor in Duluth , Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he
approached his assistant.

"Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I
want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients."

"Yes, sir!" answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns  the following day and asks: "So, Ole,
How was your day?"

Ole told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a
headache so I gave him TYLENOL."

" Bravo, mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says Ole.

" Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the
Doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters.
Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her
panties and lies down on the table and shouts:

‘HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!’"

"Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes!!"

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PULSE RATE...:

CATHOLIC COFFEE MORNING IN ROME

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St.
Peter's Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends,

"My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 
'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps,
"My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 
'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says,
"My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their 
head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly,
"My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 
'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, 
the four men give her a subtle,
"Well....?"

She proudly replies,
"I have a daughter,
SLIM
TALL
38D BREASTS
24"WAIST and
36"HIPS.
When she walks into a room, people say, "Jesus Christ!".

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Mating Bulls:

My wife and I went to the State Fair and one of the first exhibits we
stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there
was a sign attached that said,
'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated
50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a
week! ... You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

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CORRECT WAY TO MEASURE BLOOD PRESSURE:
 Click here

Medical science has finally found the correct and most accurate way to
measure blood pressure for men.

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Sipping Vodka OMG:

This is too funny - I still have tears in my eyes!  Finally, a chain letter
that I don't mind forwarding.

A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.  After
mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.  If I start to get
nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice..  At the beginning of the
sermon,
he got nervous and took a drink..  He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note
on the door:

1)  Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2)  There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3)  There are 12 disciples, not 10..

4)  Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5)  Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6)  We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..

7)  The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior 
and the Spook.

8)  David slew Goliath; he did not kick the cr*p out of him..

9)  When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say 
he was stoned off his ass.

10)  We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11)  When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said,"Take this and 
eat it for this is my body."   He did not say,"Eat me."

12)  The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13)  The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for
the grub, Yeah God.

14)  Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not 
a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

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Jewish Cab Driver: 

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York
City and laid down on the back seat.
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at
the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.
The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey?
Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady – I vasn't
staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."

The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my
b*obs or ass, sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He paused a moment, then told her ..."Vell, M'am,
I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, 'Vair in da hell
is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?

Now, that's a REAL Businessman!

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Putting down MOM'S dog...:

Mrs. Brown's dog is very old and unwell. The kids are trying to figure out
a way to tell her that its time to put the dog down.
 Click here

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FINALLY A TATTOO THAT MAKES SENSE - XXX:
 Click here

Oh, my....
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Why Some Men Have a Dog and No Wife:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit. 

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get 
another dog?"

9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

10.. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you 
a pervert.

11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just 
think it's interesting.

 And last... but not least:

12. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

To test this theory:
Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour.
Then open it and see who' s happy to see you.

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[ End friday humour ]

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