Friday humour - October 12, 2012

From Burnout @ Bluehaze; some of the rubbish emanating from Cantberra this
week has been nothing short of ridicules.

Bring on the election and get rid of most of 'em.

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From: Allnutts
Subject: Paddy

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the
night celebrating Ireland's draw with Germany.

Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy".

Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.
"Shoite,Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to
the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and
shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep
breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the
sidewalk. He falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he
says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and
shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a
look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way".

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the
bed."

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it"
and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of
coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' p*ssed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub."

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Rare World War II photographs-For history buffs.

Rare World War II photographs
 Click here

I noticed on #29, they all have their left foot forward.

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From: Arfermo
Subject: Miserable Fat Belgian Bastards
 Click here

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From: Billy Bunter of Adelaide
Subject: Foreign Visitor

You will groan at the end

President Barack Obama visits a Glasgow hospital. He enters a ward full of
patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness. He greets one.

The patient replies:

Fair fa your honest sonsie face,

Great chieftain o the puddin race,

Aboon them a ye take yer place,

Painch, tripe or thairm,

As langs my airm.

Obama is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.

The next patient responds to Obama's greeting with:

Some hae meat an canna eat,

And some wad eat that want it,

But we hae meat an we can eat,

So let the Lord be thankit.

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the President moves onto
the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,

O the panic in thy breasty,

Thou needna start awa sae hastie,

Wi bickering brattle

Now seriously troubled, Obama turns to the accompanying doctor and asks,
'Is this a psychiatric ward?'

'No' replies the doctor, 'this is the serious Burns unit.

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From: Burnout
Subject: Irish Petrol Station

A   petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he
put up a sign that read, 'Free S*x with every Full Tank.'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free s*x. The owner told
him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get
his free s*x.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was
7.

Sorry. No s*x this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another
fill-up. Again he asked for his free s*x.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the
correct number.
Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but
no free s*x this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged
and he doesn't really give away free s*x at all.'
Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick. My wife won twice last week.'

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From: Burnout
Subject: Short, Pithy & Non-PC

My missus asked me to help her stop sucking her thumb, so I drew a c*ck on
it  
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I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom.
 
They're brilliant.
 
It makes the wife look like she's actually moving during s*x...

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My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate.
 
I was so shocked I almost tripped over my c*ck.
 
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I went to the doctor's surgery the other day and found out that my new
doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous.

I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I am a professional -
I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out.
 
I said, "My wife thinks that my d*ck tastes funny"

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I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming
that she loves anal.

Dyslexic bitch, it turns out that she loves Alan, my best mate......
 
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Westie girl in bed with her boyfriend says, "How dare you call me a
slapper.
Get out of my bed right now and take your mates with you!"
 
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 I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper"  "Don't be silly," she said "You
can borrow my   iPad" That spider never knew what f******g hit it. 
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The wife and I were lying in bed this morning when she said, "I think the
romance in this relationship is dead" I wish she wouldn't talk to me while
I'm having a wank.
 
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I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she
doesn't like it. She says that it makes her sleepy and her bum sore. 

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From: Cartographer Chris (Seen most of these, funny though - ED)
Subject: Drunk dudes
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: Longest Nerve In The Body

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the
eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a
sh*tty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your bottom and see if it doesn't
bring a tear to your eyes.

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From: Sack
Subject:  A TOUCHING STORY OF COMPASSION...

An 81 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.

When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she
replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied, "6."

The judge said, "Then I’ll give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband
spoke......and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

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 From: Sack
Subject: Yet another headache.

Golf Swing with perfection

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the
hospital.

Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him
"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.
"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good
news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a
woman's arm.
I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course
when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.
My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved,
I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting
landscapes in watercolours"
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was
such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just one problem," said the golfer.

"Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache.

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From: Sack
Subject: Four British soldiers

Four British soldiers were captured by the Iranians, branded as spies and
sentenced to death by firing squad. The quartet consisted of a Welshman,an
Irishman, a Scot and an Englishman They were each given one last wish.The
fellow from Wales said he would like to hear a thousand-voice Welsh choir
sing Land of my Fathers.

The Irish chappie said he’d like to see a Thousand Irish men and woman do
the Irish River Dance.

The Scot asked for a Thousand Scottish bagpipers to play “The Flower of
Scotland.

Finally, when the Englishman asked what he wanted for his last wish he
replied, “Please shoot me first.”

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: The inevitable

Now that I'm older.... here's a few things that I've learned:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being forgetful....
5. Funny, I don't remember being forgetful....
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I could use a few.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you really haven't been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the
bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play
checkers?
16. It's not hard to meet expenses.... ....they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the length and depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.... I go
somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm hereafter.
19. Funny, I don't remember being forgetful.
20. I can't remember if I've sent you this before. No big deal... you
probably don't remember.

Enjoy the inevitable!

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From: Allnutts
Subject: Latest parking technology
 Click here Click here

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Antique Cars
 Click here

Many American cars, although the car show was in Europe.

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From: Arfermo
Subject: What a strip up !!!!
 Click here

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 From: Burnout

A blonde gets a job as a teacher
She notices a boy down the end of the field standing alone, while all the
other kids are running around having fun.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says.

'Why?' says the blonde.
The boy says: "Because I'm the f*cking goal keeper"

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Unusual pictures
 Click here

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From: Mitta
Subject: UNBELIEVABLE HERO
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Your "feel good" story of the day.

During an early morning response to a house fire in Santa Rose de Temuco,
Chile , firefighters witnessed the unbelievable. A mother dog risked her
life to save her puppies from the fire surrounding the burning house, which
started because of a car bomb.

The mother dog, Amanda, raced back and forth between the house, putting her
10 day old puppies in the safest place she could find - a firetruck!

She didn't stop racing back into the fire until all of her puppies were
safely away from the fire. The firemen on scene could not believe their
eyes. Most people have never seen a dog this smart or this brave!

After rescuing all of her pups from the blaze, Amanda sat down next to
them,
protecting them with her body. Onlookers called an emergency veterinary
service and she and her pups were rushed to the hospital. Aside from one
puppy being treated for serious burns, the entire family are alive and well
- thanks to the bravery of Amanda! What a heroic mother! :)

HOW AMAZING IS THAT STORY? AND PEOPLE CALL THEM DUMB!!!

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From: Sack
Subject: Best Photo to come out of the Olympics
 Click here

Best Photo to come out of the Olympics -- notice her hands as well.

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From: Sack
Subject: Blind Cricket
 Click here

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Police / Politie / Policia /
 Click here

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: A Woman's Perspective
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: How to Steady Oneself on A Train
 Click here

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From: Seasoldier
Subject:  Hula Hoop (XXX - ED)
 Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: Hot Air Balloons
 Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: 10 X Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: Unique Photos
 Click here Click here Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: Pencil Shaving Art
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: 2 X Photos
 Click here Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: NZ Mosquito Rebuild Flies
Photos of the Mosquito rebuilt at Ardmore NZ.  A thing of true beauty.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: Independence Day - Then & Now
Actors & Actresses - Then & Now
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Quote of the Week:

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it was the age of
wisdom, it was the age of foolishness; it was the epoch of belief, it was
the epoch of incredulity; it was the season of Light, it was the season of
Darkness; it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair; we had
everything before us, we had nothing before us; we were all going directly
to Heaven, we were all going the other way.

-Charles D*ckens

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[ End friday humour ]

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