Friday humour - October 05, 2012

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

Alan Jones is much more like the Labor Party than he would ever
acknowledge. They are both consistently shooting themselves in the foot and
they still cant see it. Except maybe for Lindsay Tanner.

This next bit is an undisguised rant. I get to rant because I edit. Feel
free to bypass it, but you might learn something if you don't ...

In this part of the world we are coming up to Council elections. They used
to be "local" Councils until they got Jeffed, but now they are bigger and
are even more of a squirming mass of small mindedness, self interest and
corruption that would put any third world dictatorship to shame. In this
Council area we are currently experiencing an exercise in stupidity that
beats anything I have come across in a long time.

For decades now Councils in general have allowed developers to make roads
smaller and smaller (in order to maximise house numbers,
and therefore profits) to the point where a single car parked on the street
can block the street to anything larger than another car. In other somewhat
older streets, cars parked opposite each other have the same effect. This
has been dealt with quite effectively by visitors parking temporarily on or
partly on the "nature strip", or on the owners front yards or driveways.
But now the Council here has deemed that parking on the "nature strip" is
an offence (to whom I am not sure) punishable by a significant fine. The
reason has something to do with "visual amenity".

Obviously, residents and visitors have reacted to this by either parking on
the street and blocking busses and other larger vehicles, or by parking on
their front yards. Not being satisfied with their foot shooting so far, the
Council is now trying to make it an offence to park on one's own front yard
(visual amenity again) and are intending to put no standing signs down one
side of the streets that are now severely narrowed by cars parking
opposite.

Needless to say, residents are furious, especially those that live in areas
where off street parking has never before been compulsory, and therefore
their houses do not have sufficient, or sometimes any, off street parking.
I would not be surprised (at all) if plans are being made to cut down no
standing signs and in other ways undertake civil disobedience to circ*mvent
these new measures. I have no idea what happens after that, but you can be
sure that the Council wont back down. They might seem foolish if they did!

To add insult to injury, the Council is now saying that folk can park on
nature strips after all, but only if the Council is paid large sums of
money for the privilege.

This is a classic case of trying to fix something that is not broken.
Clearly some councillor has had nothing to do, or has needed to raise their
profile, and has chosen this as a hobby horse. It’s a good thing Council
elections are coming up soon ...

End of rant.

This weeks bumper effort comes courtesy of Allnutts, Arfermo, Burnout, Digi
Steve, Diks, Duke of Barsinov, Nottingham Smithie, Sack,
Seasoldier, Sir Edward, The Great Gussius, Wally, Wronknee and the ever
present anonymi.

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The IRISH 999 CALL

An Irish woman is cleaning her husband's rifle and accidentally shoots him.
She immediately dials 999.

Irish woman: ''It's my fooken husband! I've accidentally shot him,
I've fooken killed him!''

Operator: ''Please calm down Mam. Can you first make sure he is actually
dead!''

*click* .. *BANG*

Irish woman: ''Okay, I've done dat.................... What's next?''

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Old fool - bit like me?
 Click here

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Tom Hank’s father was lead singer of a group called the ‘Diamonds’ in 1957.

Two Performances   47 years apart

If you were alive in 1957, and old enough to enjoy Rock and Roll, you will
probably remember the group, "The Diamonds" who had just launched their
super hit "Little Darlin."

For you that are too young to remember - it was a time when the performers
were happy, enjoying themselves, respecting their fans, dressed
appropriately and their lyrics could be understood.  They did not feel
obligated to scream, eat the microphone, mumble inaudible lyrics or trash
the set.

In 1957, The Diamonds had a hit with "Little Darlin". 47 years later, they
were requested to perform at Atlantic City ... This link leads to both
performances.

Watch the first one then scroll down for the new one 47 years later.
 Click here

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NOW ON SALE AT IKEA --LESBIAN BEDS, no nuts or screwing involved -- All
tongue n groove .....

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[included in 2003 and 2007]

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander
around .

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an
erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call
for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if
you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a
towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna
and, as he sits down, he farts....

Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him,
'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.

'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it
implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around,
bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the
smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.

The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and
you can keep the $500.00 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You
haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'

The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection
once a month. I fart 35 times a day

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Golf on Christmas Day

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how
nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and
without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and
play a round.

His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority;
figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf
course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my
wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the
cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading
the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like
they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped
my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry
Christmas! It's a great morning -- intercourse or golf course --'
She said, “Don’t forget your sweater.”


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[included in 2006]

Three little ducks go into a bar..........

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What
else could a duck want?" said Huey

"Oh.. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi,
and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two..

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day
myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."

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[included in 2002 and 2007]

Your Duck is Dead--D-E-A-D!


A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her
pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry,
your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few
minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked
on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the
examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked
up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few
minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its
haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a
bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took
the bill.

"$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the
bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."

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This kid is absolutely fantastic. Enjoy his talent.
 Click here

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[included in 2004]

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin
Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

"Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to
challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ec*menical
spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in
his hand.

"Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.

"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "There is
a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We
can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as
your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of
cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea.

The call was made.

Of course, Nicklaus was honoured and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the
Pope of the result.

"I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness, " said the golfer.

"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played
some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have
ever played, by far. I must've been inspired from above. My drives were
long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was
perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.

"There's bad news?", the Pope asked.

"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."

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[included in 2003 and 2007]

Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the
rest of your day. There is a mute (can't talk) who wants to buy a
toothbrush.

By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses
himself to the shopkeeper, and the purchase is done.

Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how
should he express himself?

He opens his mouth and says. 'I would like to buy a pair of Sunglasses.'

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Birth Control

New male contraception solution found:
Hair conditioner spilled on the wrong place works magic to keep it soft and
silky.

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Best Speeding Excuse Ever

This may be us someday, or maybe we are already there!

When asked by a young patrol officer, "Do You know you were speeding?" this
83-year-old woman gave the young officer an ear-to-ear smile and stated:
"Yes , but I had to get there before I forgot where I was going."

The officer put his ticket book away and bid her good day.

Makes perfectly good sense to me.

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Unique Gutter Downspout
 Click here
This is what happens when a "Dirty Old Man" gets a welder for Christmas!.

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Fly Yorkshire
 Click here
I don't think so !!!!

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The wedding
 Click here
Unusual!

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Assistance for the Drunk Driver...
 Click here

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Getting old?
 Click here
Remember to wear a bicycle helmet too.

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Eye Witness check this out!
 Click here
This is a lesson in why the next time you hear about an eye witness.

You can't trust them or even your own eyes.

Everyone sees the girl sitting and the boy hugging her neck.

Then Look carefully again. It is actually the reverse!

It is our perception that influences our vision & thinking.

Yes, it is true ... look at the guy's neck, he is actually the one sitting
on the couch with the girl hugging over him ...

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Aphorisms.
 Click here

It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
 
You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
 
We have enough "youth". How about a fountain of "smart"?
 
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
 
A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party  
When blondes have more fun ... do they know it?
 
Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two it's an amusement park.
 
LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES USE BIRTH CONTROL  
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
 
Don't Drink and Drive. You might hit a bump and spill something.
 
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
 
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
 
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
 
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
 
Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.
 
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.
 
Alabama state motto: At least we're not Mississippi  
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.
 
The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the
population  
"You know why a banana is like a politician?"
"He comes in and first he is green, then he turns yellow and then he's
rotten."
 
"I think Congressmen should wear uniforms, you know, like NASCAR drivers,
so we could identify their corporate sponsors."
 
The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would
'hate' to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

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Goose and a Scooter ... a must see.
 Click here

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You Don't Have To Look Like Me To Be My Friend
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Mostly fun signs, mostly on the Canning stock route WA
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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Funnies
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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A 6th Olympic Ring in London!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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At the ball game

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball
players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a
team is?'

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as
a team?'

The little boy nodded 'yes'.

'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you
shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a dipwad or
numb-nuts. Do you understand all that?'

The little boy nodded 'yes' again.

He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a
chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a 'dumb-ass
peckerwood' is it?'

The little boy shook his head 'NO'.

'GOOD', said the coach.

'Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.'

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A guy found this baby hummingbird after it was attacked, and he nursed it
back to health until it decided to stay and be his pet.
 Click here

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7 Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here


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When it's Hot
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Only in Africa
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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Cartoons From The Dark Side
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Fast Food Fails
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Drive-By
 Click here

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McDonalds around the World
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Laxatives for the Seagulls
 Click here

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Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Things on the Market
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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2013 World's Best Father Calendar
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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