Friday humour - September 28, 2012

From Gussius @ Bluehaze

A remarkable weekend is in store with the Aussie football season’s ultimate
event "one day in September" - the AFL Grand Final.
This year it’s a first for the premier footy league to have a woman
officiate as a field umpire. Another first is that the AFL declared this
year’s event as entirely vegetarian with no ‘Pies or Meatloaf.

Contributors this week include Arfermo, Cartographer Chris, Diks, Duke of
Barsinov,  Kaos_reflex, Nottingham Smithie, Sack, Seasoldier, 
The Great Gussius, Wally, Digi Maria, Mad Mick from Marwick, Wally, 
Whizzbang and of course anon.

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The Test:

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and
takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the
teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.

"Could you taste this for me, please?"

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid
around and swallows it. It tasted unpleasant.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist, pulling a face.

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get
my urine tested for sugar."

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Good Emergency Advice:

If you use or know of anyone that uses medication for erectile dysfunction
and has an erection lasting more than four hours immediately go to this WEB
SITE:
 Click here

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Out of the mouths of babies:

A good friend sent this to me:I was eating breakfast with my 10-year old
Granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"; She said "It's
President's Day!" She is a smart kid. I asked "What does President's Day
mean?" I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln .... etc.
She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the
White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years of Bull Sh*t."

You know, It hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose!

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Joke:

An English couple go to a remote part of Ireland to inspect a
long-abandoned farmhouse in a remote part,
that they wish to buy. As part of a thorough inspection, they enter the
loft and find a skeleton sitting behind the chimney breast. Around its neck
is a ribbon with a medal attached. The medal reads,
'All Ireland Hide and Seek Champion, 1962'.!
 
Talking of breasts, did you know that an anagram of 'Kate Middleton' is
'Naked tit model'?
 
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How to Separate An Egg White from Yolk:

THIS IS IN CHINESE, BUT JUST WATCH THIS SHORT VIDEO. TRULY AMAZING AND
EASY!!!!
SEE IT TO BELIEVE IT!
 Click here

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Up Yours:

A rich Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a
guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl/tzitzis and traditional
locks of hair.

He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish.  So, he
shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for
everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Jew over there."

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile,
waves at him, then says,
"Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.  This infuriates the Arab.

He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.  As before,
this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy.  He continues to smile, and
again yells, "Thank you!"

The Arab asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Jew? 
I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all
the silly bugger does is smile and thank me.  Is he nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender.  "He owns the place."

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Did Not Know This:

Shampoo Warning

When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very
clearly on the shampoo label is this warning:

"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY"

No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well, I got rid of that shampoo and
I am going to start showering with dish washing liquid instead, because its
label reads:

"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

PROBLEM SOLVED

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HINDSIGHT:

In hindsight, I should probably have written on Facebook ,

"I've blown the head gasket on my 1998 Ford XR3," rather than,

" I've just f*cked a fourteen year old escort."

The police still haven't seen the funny side of it and they've confiscated
my laptop.

However, the news isn't all bad; the wife has gone to stay with her mother.

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Can different religions work together?:

A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during a
dinner.

The Catholic says: I have a large fortune....I am going to buy Citibank.¯

The Protestant says: I too am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!¯

The Muslim says: I am a fabulously rich prince.... I intend to purchase
Microsoft!¯

They then all wait for the Jew to speak....

The Jewish man stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table,
takes a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says:

I'm not selling.

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Royal Doulton - Special collectors release:

To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton,
Royal Doulton will be releasing Collectors Editions of two small jugs!

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Dear Boyfriend:

Yeah, you might wear the pants in the relationship, but I control the
zipper.
Sincerely, Girlfriend

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Dear All:

Dear America ,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely, Canada

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it"
Sincerely, Google

Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea ... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP Oil

Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely,
God

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through
them, they can never get an erection.
Sincerely,
Logic

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming.
Sincerely,
The Titanic

Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely,
ABC News

Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely, Stevie Wonder

Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely, Superman

Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies

Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely, Alcohol

Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there because
Some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans

Dear iPhone,
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece
of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User

Dear Giant Spider on the Wall,
Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die. CR*P! Where did you go?
Sincerely,
Terrified

Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
All the lonely Girls

Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant

Dear Dr. Phil,
Look man, there's only room for one fake doctor in this world, and I was
here first.
Sincerely,
Dr. Pepper

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Indian Names:

      A Red Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look.

      "Mom, why is my bigger brother named Thunderstorm?"

      She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."

      Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"

      She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we
made her."

      "And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"

      "Because we were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."

      Thoughtfully, Mother paused and asked her son,

      "Tell me, Broken Rubber, why are you so curious?"

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No Bunning's trailer for me:
 Click here

 YEP....THERE IS ONE BORN EVERY MINUTE,AND THIS ONE  HAPPENS TO BE IN STH.
AUS.

This is an  actual photo taken by Transport SA last month at the corner of 
Trimmer Parade and Frederick
Road ,  Seaton.

The wood was about 2 meters out of the (left)  hand side and  about three
meters out of the (right) hand side.THE BEAMS IN THE  FRONT WINDOW WENT
ACROSS HIS CHEST, HE COULD ONLY  MANAGE ONE
HAND ON THE  WHEEL!

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Some people are like clouds:
 Click here

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Queen's Jubilee Funshot:
 Click here

Story behind this photo:

H.M. The Queen, accompanied by H.R.H. Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, paid
a Jubilee visit to Nottingham and, during the three hours in the East
Midlands city, attended a children's event in which the 5-to-10 year olds
were asked to present something to celebrate the Jubilee. Out of the more
than 1,000 children attending, six were chosen to give their own speech to
the Queen, of 50 words or less, that expressed their devotion and
admiration for Her Majesty's long reign.

The last child to say his piece was 8-year-old Devon Parker who stood at
the microphone 25 feet in front of the Queen and, as a result, the royal
photographer caught Her Majesty's reaction and response.

Devon Parker: "Your Majesty, I think you are the nicest old lady in all of
England, but I wish you weren't so old because, if you were younger, you
would live a lot longer.

Thank you very much."

The Queen's reaction and reportedly her response: "Now, what can I say to
that!?"

PRICELESS.

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Amazing Photos of 2012:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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India's First Astronaut Arrives Back Safely:
 Click here

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New Ten Pound Note:
 Click here

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Dead RINGER?:
 Click here

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Fight Like a Girl:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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Life Summarised in Four Bottles:
 Click here

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Only in Australia:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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Grannys day out:
 Click here

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Grandma:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

BUCK BROWN DID THE GRANNY CARTOONS IN THE 70'S AND 80'S, MOSTLY FOR PLAYBOY
MAGAZINE.

THAT ACCOUNTS FOR THE "MODERN" HAIR AND CLOTHES STYLING.

AND UP TO THE MINUTE ELECTRICKERY LIKE THE REEL TO REEL "STEREO"..

THE GAGS ARE TIMELESS.

You Gotta Luv Granny!

Now, how about a joke about grandma and grandpa?

Grandma and grandpa were watching a religious healing program on TV.

The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed, to put one hand on
the
TV and the other on the body part they wanted healed.
Grandpa hobbled to the TV and put one hand on the TV and the other on his
crotch.

Grandma looked at him with disgust. "You just don't understand do you, you
old coot. The purpose of this program is to heal the sick, not raise the
dead!"

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S*x ed lecture - great advice:
 Click here

A bit late for me, but pass it on.

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R U MUSICAL:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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Guidance:
 Click here

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Drop a Wheelie - Rev it hard, drop the clutch, what can it hurt?:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Speech by Tony Abbott:
 Click here

The poor cousin Mitt Romney equivalent in Australia.

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11 X Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Is This the Greatest or What?:
 Click here

The Weather Forecasting Toaster

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Colourful:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Porno Film:
 Click here

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13 X Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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Pepsi Football:
 Click here

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Muscle Swimsuit:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Perfectly Timed Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Cavemen Computers:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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10 X Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Electron Microscope:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Leaf Art:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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10 X Bacon Ads:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Erotic Massage (XX):
 Click here

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Anybody want a Divorce?:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Fruit & Veg:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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5 X Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Unbelievable Pictures That Are Actually Real:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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Heineken:
 Click here

Heineken, or how to liven up the bar

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BBQ:
 Click here

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[ End friday humour ]

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