Friday humour - September 14, 2012


From Burnout at Bluehaze.
Another week goes by:

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From: Burnout
Subject: Brand New Key...
 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie

Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in the front garden, my
neighbours stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog.

During our friendly conversation, I asked their 12 year old daughter what
she wanted to be when she grows up.

She said she wanted to be Prime Minister some day.

Both of her parents - Socialists - were standing there, so I asked her, "If
you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."

Her parents beamed with pride! "Wow! What a worthy goal!" I said.

"But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that!" I told
her.

"What do you mean?" she replied.

So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds,
and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you £50.
Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless chap hangs
out,
and you can give him the £50 to use toward food and a new house." She
thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye
and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless man come over and do the work, and you
can just pay him the £50?" I said, "Welcome to the Tory Party."

Her parents aren't speaking to me.

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: government survey

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to
Britain so that they can see their own doctor.

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: strobe lights

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . . .It makes the wife
look like she's moving during s*x.

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: QUEEN ELIZABETH- HER LIFE IN 3 MINUTES

This is amazing.  Thought you might enjoy it.
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: Only in America...

A bar called Drummond's (in Mt Vernon, Texas) began construction on an
expansion of their building, hoping to "grow" their business.

In response, the local Southern Baptist Church started a campaign to block
the bar from expanding - petitions, prayers, etc. About a week before the
bar's grand re-opening, a bolt of lightning struck the bar and burned it to
the ground!

Afterward, the church folks were rather smug - bragging about "the power of
prayer". The angry bar owner eventually sued the church on grounds that the
church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building,
through direct actions or indirect means."

Of course, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any
connection to the building's demise.

The judge read carefully through the plaintiff's complaint and the
defendant's reply. He then opened the hearing by saying:

"I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the
paperwork that what we have here is a bar owner who now believes in the
power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not."

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From: Sack
Subject: Don't you just love the Irish

Paddy and Mick drove to
London to donate sperm.
It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube and Mick  came on the bus!

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust   "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let
liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said  "Me too, I  didn't know we had a
choice!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy and Murphy are working on  a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm
mad!"
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts  "I'M A LIGHTBULB!
I'M A LIGHTBULB!"   Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"    So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy..

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Two Irish couples decided to  swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing s*x, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are
getting on"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says
"You know what I want don't you ?"
"Yeah," says Paddy.. "The whole friggin' bed by the looks of it!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not
servicing the electric chair.
He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath
beach was asked to identify  her.
A detective held up the head to which Paddy said ;
"I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like
mad in the garden. Paddy says  "To hell with this!"  and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"
Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see  how they like
it!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
"Be Jeysus!" he said,  "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick say "Crikey!  There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name ?"
Mick replies "Miles, from Dublin!"

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: The golfer who gave up his s*x life

THE MAN WHO GAVE UP S*X FOR GOLF...

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple
of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles
to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be
willing to give up one-fourth of your s*x life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer
also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure," and sinks the
putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to
get an eagle on this one."

The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth
giving up another fourth of your s*x life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting
for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says,
"Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your s*x life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside
him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know
who I am. I'm the Devil, and from this day forward you will have no s*x
life."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley

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From: The Great Gussius
Subject: You Don't Have To Look Like Me To Be My Friend

Thank goodness!  Otherwise this would be a very dull world.

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From: Allnutts
Subject: Re-Electricity bill ...
 Click here

I complained about my recent electricity bill and here's the response :

Dear Customer,

Just a little note to let you know we understand your anger in the recent
price hike. But it should be noted that you have no choice. We are a big
company and you will pay what we tell you. You have no choice We have the
power, you need the power.   So sad...too bad.
We have enclosed a little picture to help outline our response. Have a nice
day and keep those cheques coming!

      Sincerely,

      Your Local Power Co .

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From: Allnutts
Subject: Find the Cat
 Click here

The cat is in the picture. I have found it.
This would make one heck a puzzle.
Once you find the cat, send this puzzle along to annoy your friends!!!!
Do not forward this until you find the cat!!!! I promise you it is
definitely there.

Do not share this photo unless you find the cat ... Where is the cat?

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From: Allnutts
Subject: A lovely story right to the end ...
 Click here

This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of
building workers. It's allegedly true and might help to confirm your belief
in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human
race...

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a
gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all
the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold,
more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They
chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch
breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important.
They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled
her immensely.
At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay
envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her
'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank
the next day to open a savings account.
At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little
girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had
a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and
Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'
'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the
house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. Provided those w*nkers at Jewsons deliver the f*cking bricks
on time.'

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From: Burnout
Subject: Fifty Shades of Grey - Men's Version...?
 Click here

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From: Cartographer Chris
Subject: FRIDAYS AT THE PUB  (XXX - ED)
 Click here

Smoking still allowed??

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From: Diks
Subject: MONICA LEWINSKI STRIKES BACK...
 Click here

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From: Dry Bob
Subject: problem
 Click here

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From: Dry Bob
Subject: Barak Bingo
 Click here

Whether you're an Obama fan or not, you have to admit this is pretty
funny!!
It just  may be the only way for me to stay in the room when he is speaking
on TV!!! This  might just be a very fun game.

SCUZE  THE LANGUAGE!!!!!

I  used to avoid listening to Obama's speeches. Now, I look forward to the
next  one.

Here  is something to help make Obama's speeches almost tolerable. Just
print this  page, distribute it to friends, and listen to his next speech
(Be sure to read  directions at the bottom).

Rules  for Bullsh*t Bingo:
1. Before Barrack Obama's next televised speech, print  your "Bullsh*t
Bingo"
2. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of  those
words/phrases.
3. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or  diagonally, stand
up and shout "BULLSH*T!"

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From: Kaos_reflex
Subject: New Birth Control Poster
 Click here

If this doesn't get people to use condoms,
I don't know what else will.

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: No words necessary
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: Men... can you relate?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: Bird on the Wire
 Click here

Bird on the Wire began in Greece. When Cohen first arrived in Hydra, there
were no wires on the island, no telephones and no regular electricity. But
soon telephone poles appeared, and then the wires. "I would stare out the
window at these telephone wires and think, how civilization had caught up
with me and I wasn't going to be able to escape after all. I wasn't going
to be able to live this eleventh-century life that I had thought I had
found for myself." So that was the beginning. Then he noticed that the
birds came to the wires. The next line referred to the many evenings Cohen
and friends climbed the endless stairs up from the port of Hydra, drunk and
singing.
Often you see: "Three guys with the arms around each other, stumbling up
the stairs and singing these impeccable thirds." He finished the song in a
Hollywood motel on Sunset Boulevard in 1969.

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: like this one
 Click here

The new Patrol boats for the north of Australia...

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From: Sack
Subject: Fw: NEW DRINKING WARNING NOTICE
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: Secrets of The Olympic Opening Ceremony
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

For many, it was the most stunning and captivating opening ceremony to any
Olympic Games.
More than one billion people around the world watched Danny Boyle’s
astonishing and fantastical journey through British history which kicked
off the London 2012 Games. The theatrical tour de force included a series
of dazzling spectacles, from a 40ft oak tree rising serenely from a grassy
mound, to a towering 18metre Voldemort character roaming around the stage.
Even Her Majesty the Queen featured in the show - apparently parachuting
into the Olympic stadium in Stratford, east London. Today we can reveal
some of the secrets and technical achievements - until now have been
shrouded in the strictest secrecy - which it took to produce this
breath-taking performance.

The 40ft model of an oak tree that rose above the grassy mound
(representing
Glastonbury Tor) in the opening ceremony was made of steel and fibreglass,
and was lifted by a winch. Inside the mound two spiral staircases allowed
actors to emerge from the ground.

Around it, 79,000 sq ft of real grass and wildflowers adorned a stage set
11.5ft above the stadium floor to allow for the technical crew beneath. In
total, 161,000 sq ft of staging was used over the ceremony - the equivalent
to 12 Olympic-sized swimming pools.   The 18 metre Voldemort was controlled
by wires from the rigging, and puppeteers under the stage using rods. Set
designer Mark Tildesley was in charge of the props team which made it.

The NHS scene used 1,200 volunteers from U.K. hospitals, including 600
nurses. The giant baby was made from fibreglass paper. Switches lit duvets
on the 320 beds.  Thirty-two actresses were dressed as Mary Poppins to
descend on wires attached to rigging which could support 25 tons (the
weight of five elephants). They carried umbrellas with lights attached —
just some of the 2,000 props used over the night, from 737 suppliers. 
High-powered fans inflated the seven fabric chimneys, up to 100ft high,
from trap doors in the stage. Crew kept them upright using wincheswhile
trapeze artists used gears and pulleys to secure them from a mesh of wires
suspended over the stadium. Alongside them, five 32ft long, 9ft-wide steam
engines made of steel, aluminium and wood were assembled by ten crew
members to help represent the Industrial Revolution.

Amber lights lit in sequence created the illusion of a 100 ft molten steel
river, with pyrotechnic smoke and ‘dry ice’ as the steam. The steel
‘flowed’ into a 39 ft diameter trough to form an aluminium ring, which was
raised to join four other rings flying in on cables to form the Olympic
symbol 328ft above the stadium. The 30-second shower of sparks was real,
with actors and crew protected with fireproof costumes.
It was masterminded by Brighton’s Howard Eton Lighting, which has designed
special effects for West End shows.

Despite rumours that David Beckham wasn’t actually driving the speedboat —
named "Max Power" — that sped him down the Thames, organisers insist he was
operating the controls, with other crew members on hand just for safety
(though they admit he didn’t dock the boat himself). Apart from close-up
shots of Becks, the entire trip was filmed live, overseen by Billy Elliot
director Stephen Daldry.  Stuntman Gary Connery dressed as the Queen to
leap from a helicopter 550 ft above the stadium. Mark Sutton, a former
soldier,
jumped as 007. They had taken off from Stapleford Airfield in Ess*x and
hovered over London for 30 minutes before the jump — then landed outside
the stadium, next to Anish Kapoor’s steel tower.

The "Windrush", representing the ship that brought the first West Indian
immigrants to Britain in 1948, was assembled by hidden crew carrying four
parts made of steel rods covered by fabric made to look like newspapers
from the time. Wires decorated with bunting kept the ship upright, while
actors on stilts played its passengers.  The 75 ‘dove bikes’, 70 ridden by
volunteers found on internet cycling forums, rehear*ed in secrecy. The
fabric wings had tiny LED lights and were operated by aluminium rods
attached to the handlebars which riders pressed to create the flapping
effect. Bob Haro, who created the flying bike scene in ET, choreographed
the sequence.  The spectacular pyrotechnics finale was devised by Kimbolton
Fireworks, founded by Cambridgeshire vicar and former chemistry teacher,
the
Reverend Ron Lancaster. The firm, now managed by his son-in-law, also
devise the fireworks for the Mayor of London’s annual New Year display. The
pyrotechnics were transported to the stadium by canal barges.

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From: Sack
Subject: The streets of London were tidied for the Olympics
 Click here

Somewhere in London ...Could it be outside the Brazilian Embassy?
Standards must be maintained...
ooks like it's a Council worker doing the trimming... Begs the question;
which Council?... What do you reckon, Bushey Heath?

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From: Sack
Subject: Thought for today
 Click here

No matter what your job, you should always try and make it interesting

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From: Sack
Subject: Womans creed
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: Er loopt wat rond - Something walks on this world just watch the
pictures
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: Geography
 Click here

I know that we are getting older and have short attention spans, so this
lesson will be kept short

That concludes our Geography Lesson of the Day!
Thank you and please pass this valuable information on to another senior.

Remember, knowledge is power.

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: HOW TO KNOW WHEN A WOMAN IS P*SSED!!!!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

REMEMBER- HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN SCORNED!!

NO KIDDING?...YA THINK?

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Retired And Married
 Click here

A retired married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a
fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said...

"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel.
you already know how to fish!"

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From: The Great Gussius
Subject: Hope I get this back...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

A birth certificate shows you were born. A death certificate shows you have
died.

A photo album shows you have lived. Every month is Breast Cancer Awareness
Month. Give this heart to everyone you don't want to lose in '2012
including me if you care. Try to collect 12, it's not easy!

Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of
battle.

A sharp tongue can cut your own throat.

If you want your dreams to come true, you mustn't oversleep.

Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.

The best vitamin for making friends... B1.

The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.

The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge..

One thing you can give and still keep...is your word.

You lie the loudest when you lie to yourself.

If you lack the courage to start, you have already finished.

One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.

Ideas won't work unless ' You' do.

Your mind is like a parachute...it functions only when open.

The 10 commandments are not a multiple choice.

The pursuit of happiness is the chase of a lifetime!

It is never too late to become what you might have been.

Life is too short to wake up with regrets.. So love the people who treat
you right.. Forget about the ones who don't. Believe everything happens for
a reason.

If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands.  If it changes your
life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would 
be worth it.

Friends are like  balloons; once you let them go, you might not get them
back. Sometimes we get so busy with our own lives and problems that we may
not even notice that we've let them fly away.  Sometimes we are so caught
up in who's right and who's wrong that we forget what's right and  wrong.
Sometimes we just don't realize what real friendship means until it is too
late. I don't want to let that happen so I'm going to tie you to my heart
so I never lose you.

Send this to all your friends including me and see how many you get back.
Even send it to your balloons that you think have flown away forever.

You may be surprised to see it return.

Send this heart to everybody that has touched your life in a positive way.

Thank you  for being in my life!!!

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From: anonymous
Subject: So alike
 Click here

Quite spooky, isn't it.

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From: anonymous
+++ Subject: To all the cat lovers - some of these are absolutely great,
and
I
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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Quote of the Week:

Don't listen to their words, fix your attention on their deeds.

Albert Einstein.

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[ End friday humour ]

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