Friday humour - September 07, 2012

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

This weeks collection emits from Allnutts, Billy Bunter of Adelaide,
Burnout, Diks, Mitta, Nottingham Smithie, Sack, Seasoldier, The
Great Gussius, and the various those who don’t want to be known. Enjoy!

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Job Interview

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales
representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've
graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and
your experience is unparalleled - normally, we'd hire you without a second
thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and
we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers.
I'm sorry.... we can't hire you."

"But wait," the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all
sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured
condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it
open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a
respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanising all over
the country!"

"Womanising? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and
asked for aspirin?"

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I'll bet you never knew this!!!       

In the original native culture of Thailand, when males reached the age of
18 they had to participate in the following community ceremony:-

They lay themselves stark naked in a large circle, feet facing inward.  A
beautiful young naked girl kneels over the ankles of each the men.  She
places a blob of honey and various crushed sweet fruits around his navel to
attract flies and insects.  (This keeps them off his face during the
ceremony)

A specially chosen nubile and very beautiful, naked girl then does a s*xy
and sensuous dance in the centre of the circle.

As soon as all the men become fully aroused and developed erections, the
kneeling girls then reach over the knees,  pull the fully erected penises
downwards as much as they can,  and then on a given signal from the centre
dancer release them.         

The men's penises would then spring back up and go "WHAP!" against
their belly buttons.
  
This exercise was a measurement of the strength of their masculinity. The
man who killed the most flies was elected to the court of the King. 

And that folks is why the current capital of Thailand came to be named
Bangkok. 

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50 shades of gray
 Click here

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New Word for Seniors

Here is a new word Exhaustipated to add to your vocabulary.

Although very useful for all adults, it is especially appropriate for
seniors.

Exhaustipated: Just too tired to give a sh*t.

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A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the
sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you
have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish..'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the
bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do
it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a
little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish
that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels
inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she
cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and
complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

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Secret for a happy marriage
 Click here

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Men's thoughts
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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Charted ... at last ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Need a new password?
 Click here

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My wish for you this long weekend - Xish
 Click here
May you never get this old ...

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Geeezer 'toons
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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50 Shades of grey - Men's version
 Click here

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The family photo
 Click here

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Jiving
 Click here

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Why I didn't make the Olympics
 Click here

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Cop humour
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Trucks in the Nullagine river
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Expensive crossing?
In the early hours of Sat*rday morning, three road trains were trying to
navigate the Nullagine River crossing when rising waters tipped their rigs
over, two were loaded with manganese from the Woodie Woodie mine.

One driver managed to escape from his vehicle and swim to the bank while
the other two were left stranded in the swollen river.

Around 180km down the road at the nearby cattle property, the Mills family
kicked a rescue plan into gear.

At first light, station owner Robin Mills and chopper pilot Ian Walton flew
to the scene, while Geoff Mills drove to the crossing and used his jet ski
to reach the men.

Robin says the current was very strong and it was a wise move for the men
to stay on their trailers.

"The thing that worries you with people that are inexperienced. If they try
to swim against the current then they'll get sucked up against a tree and
the pressure is huge - I mean it tipped those trucks over on their sides,
so that's how much pressure is there."

Both truck drivers fell off the jet ski during the rescue, but Geoff Mills
says despite their ordeal they still had a sense of humour.

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Her Diary, His Diary
 Click here

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Smile
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Step Ladder Rescue
 Click here

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their
tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look
towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking,
it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of
planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it
appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it
tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo sh*t. It means someone stole the tent!"

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Inspirational Posters [XXX]
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Aussie Humour
 Click here

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Wine
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There are some seriously bizarre things you can buy from the catalogue in
the link below –
 Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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