Friday humour - August 31, 2012

From Gussius @ Bluehaze

Vale Neil Armstrong. The Apollo 11 crew were the first to do things that no
one had been able to do before. Possibly the pinnacle of NASA achievement;
until maybe the next time they or someone dares to dream large.

One small loss for man, one great loss for mankind.

In the meantime the internet was temporarily broken by an overload of 'too
soon' crud humour such as posts saying MJ was the greater moonwalker, Lance
was not dead just stripped of his tour de moon titles and confusing dueling
trumpeters Neil and Louis. Please, please don't retweet this.

Contributions this week come from Anonymous3, Diks, Nottingham Smithie,
Sack, Seasoldier,
Burnout, Cartographer Chris, Digi Steve, Duke of Barsinov, Mitta,
Nottingham Smithie, The Great
Gussius and our band of anonymous contributors.

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STOP AND WATCH:

This is simply AMAZING!!!!!!!!!
ENJOY!!!!

How did he do these magic tricks?
 Click here

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CHIP SHOT:

Watch clear to the end.

Always practice safety when taking chip shots on the golf course.  If you
don't care anything about golf, watch this very short video anyhow and I
know you'll learn something valuable.  Turn your sound up and you can
actually hear it hit.
 Click here

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Beautiful Toys For Older Boys:

For those of you who love trains you're going to love this one...
Sound on...
 Click here

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Symphony in the street:

9th. Symphony - Beethoven

Look at that happening in Sabadella, near Barcelona, Spain.
An orchestra and popular choir singing the 9th. Symphony in the street.
Wonderful.
 Click here

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The truth about user pictures:
 Click here

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Colours:

Trev, the Kiwi builder was going through a house he had just built with the
woman who owned it.
She was telling him what colour to paint each room...

They went into the first room and she said "I want this room to be painted
a light blue."

The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be
bright red.

The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be
tan.

The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she asked him "I keep
telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell green side up; what
is that for?

The builder said, "Oh don't worry about that, I've got a couple of Aussies
laying the turf out front.

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Signs of the times:
      Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland, UK:
      1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT
      2. FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART
      3. FORM A LOOSE GRIP
      4. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
      5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
      6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
      7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG,
      LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
      8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY
      IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
      9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS
      ARE PREPARING.
      10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
      WELL DONE.. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL,
      GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF
      In an office:
      TOILET OUT OF ORDER....... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
      In a Laundromat:
      AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE
LIGHT
GOES OUT
      In a London department store:
      BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
      In an office:
      WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT
BACK OR
FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
      In an office:
      AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN
ON THE
DRAINING BOARD
      Outside a second-hand shop:
      WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING
YOUR
WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
      Notice in health food shop window:
      CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
      Spotted in a safari park:
      ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
      Seen during a conference:
      FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE
ON THE 1ST
FLOOR
      Notice in a farmer's field:
      THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL
CHARGES.
      On a repair shop door:
      WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL
DOESN'T WORK).

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Men do remember.

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their
bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in
front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why
are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first
met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back
then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so
sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail
for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

'I would have been released today.'

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A selection of funnies:

Little Johnny Making Faces:

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms.
Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "Johnny,
when I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces it would stay like
that."

Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well you can't say you weren't
warned."


Out Of The Mouths Of Parents:

The following is a list with actual notes from parents (including spelling)
to school offices:

*My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please
execute him.

*Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

*Dear school: Please ekscuse John being ansent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31,
32,and 33.

*Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his
boots leak.

*Sally win't be in school a week from
Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

*My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a
weekend with the marines.

*Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.


A Horse Tale

A jogger, running down a country road, is startled as a horse yells at him,
"Hey! Come over here,
buddy!" The jogger runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and
asks, "Are you talking to me?"

The horse replies, "Sure am! Listen, I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky
Derby a few years ago,
but then this farmer bought me, and now all I do is pull a plow. I'm sick
of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me?
I'll make you some real money, 'cause I can still run."

"A talking horse!" thinks the jogger to himself. Dollar signs go off in the
jogger's head. So he runs up to the farmhouse, where he finds the old
farmer sitting on the porch. The jogger says, "Say, old man, I'll give you
$5,000 for that old, broken-down nag you've got out in the field."

"Son," says the farmer, "you can't believe everything you hear. That horse
ain't never even been to
Kentucky!"


This One's Nuts!

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the
lobby discussing their recent tournament victories...

After about an hour,the manager came out of the office and asked them to
disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

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Lunch:
 Click here

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A Massage..... your choice:  XXX
 Click here

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An inspiration........
 Click here

Last Sat*rday the world lost a genuine, humble hero, Neil Alden Armstrong
(August 5, 1930 – August 25, 2012).
I was still a school boy in 1969, when we sat mesmerised by B&W TV in a
science class and watched amazed as he took his “one small step for man,
one giant leap for mankind”.
An American astronaut, test pilot aerospace engineer, university professor
and United States Naval Aviator; he was the first human to walk on the
Moon.


Before becoming an astronaut, Armstrong was a United States Navy officer
and served in the Korean War. After the war, he served as a test pilot at
the
National Advisory Committee for Aeronautics High-Speed Flight Station, now
known as the Dryden Flight Research Center, where he logged over 900
flights. He graduated from Purdue University and completed graduate studies
at the University of Southern California.
A participant in the U.S. Air Force's Man In Space Soonest and X-20
Dyna-Soar human spaceflight programs, Armstrong joined the NASA Astronaut
Corps in 1962. His first spaceflight was the NASA Gemini 8 mission in 1966,
for which he was the command pilot, becoming one of the first U.S.
civilians in space. On this mission, he performed the first manned docking
of two spacecraft with pilot David Scott.
Armstrong's second and last spaceflight was as mission commander of the
Apollo 11 moon landing in July 1969. On this mission, Armstrong and Buzz
Aldrin descended to the lunar surface and spent 2½ hours exploring, while
Michael Collins remained in orbit in the Command Module. Armstrong was
awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom by President Richard Nixon along
with Collins and Aldrin, the Congressional Space Medal of Honour by
President Jimmy Carter in 1978, and the Congressional Gold Medal in 2009.
On August 25, 2012, Armstrong died in Cincinnati, Ohio, at the age of 82
due to complications from blocked coronary arteries.

His photo of 'Buzz' Aldrin taken with a Hasselbad Camera on the surface had
a huge impact on me, I have a copy of it to this day.
Every now and then, I had cause over the years to lift the volume on my
radio to better listen to Reg Lindsey singing:

Black boy in Chicago
Playin' in the street
Not enough to wear
Not near enough to eat
But don't you know he saw it
On that July afternoon
Saw a man named Armstrong
Walk upon the moon
Young girl in Calcutta
Barely eight years old
The fly's that swarm the market place
Will see she don't grow old
But don't you know she heard it
On a July afternoon
Heard a man named Armstrong
Walk upon the moon.

River's getting dirty
The wind is getting bad
War and hate are killing off
The only earth we have
But the whole world stopped to watch it
On that July afternoon
Watched a man named Armstrong
Walk upon the moon.

And I wonder if a long time ago
Somewhere in the universe
They watched a man named Adam
Walk upon the earth.

I hope to listen to it with reasonable regularity in coming years as my own
reminder of this rather remarkable man, who’s heartbeat never rose above
84bpm during the Apollo 11 launch.

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To Brighten Your Hump day:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Love the Olympics one

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Hair Removal Creams... Read all 3 reviews:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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A woman's perspective:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Couldn't have said it better myself:
 Click here

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Old Car-Guys:
 Click here

This is what happens when Old Car-Guys get sent to the Rest Home.

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Why we Live in Africa:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Critters:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Federer. Make sure you see this:
 Click here
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Silence in Court:

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant,

"You're charged  with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to
death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"
The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom.
Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes,

But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt.  Is that
understood?"
Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years
I've lived next door to that mongrel, and every time I asked to borrow a
hammer, he said he didn't have one.
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Wisdom of Life:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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Good save:
 Click here

Just like the old mini days

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Tech support... ya gotta love it:
 Click here

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Rubik's cube:
 Click here

For all you  smarties out  there
How did they do  this?

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Italia-Milan-Cathedral:
 Click here

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Pitbulls are for sissies:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

The most important thing is to feed it on time - otherwise the results may
be dreadful.

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Side Effect:

A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM  SOUTH TEXAS   COUNSELLED HIS
GRANDDAUGHTER THAT IF SHE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO
SPRINKLE A
PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HER OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDDAUGHTER DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN SHE DIED.

SHE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN,
25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 15-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED
TO BE.

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Swimsuit season is here:
 Click here

And just what was it you were expecting?

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New Condoms:

If advertisers took their slogans off of famous brands and applied them on
condom packages this is what they would look like.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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Why did the Police pull this Guy over (XXX) :
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

So, tell me again, why did the police stop him???

She took her helmet off. The law is the law!

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Sad Secret:
 Click here

SO POOR!!!

Six year old Annie returns home from school, in tears, and says that she
had her first Family
Matters lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks; "How did it go? Why are you in tears?"

"I died of shame!" little Annie answers.

"Sam from over the road says that a stork brought the babies."

"Sally from next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage."

"Pete from down the street said you can buy babies at the hospital."

Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no reason to be ashamed."

"No, but I couldn't tell them that we were so poor, that you and daddy had
to f*ck to make me yourselves!"

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Probably the best poster for the London Underground:
 Click here

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Automatic gearboxes bmw ................. Audio Only:
 Click here

If this doesn't make you laugh, nothing will
Enjoy this!
This call is meant to be from a guy who has bought what he thought was a
'dud BMW 320 automatic'.  This is a recording of his phone call to the BMW
Dealer.

No female drivers or Blondes were used in this !! ENJOY

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Suspect signage:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Must be true, its on the internet

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Martian sunrise:
 Click here

Not much has been learned since we landed on the moon.
Yep. and these people vote.

This mars sun is the same one that orbits our Flat-earth Society meetings
on Sunday.

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and finally -

A Neil Armstrong tribute (on location):
 Click here

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[ End friday humour ]

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