Friday humour - August 24, 2012

From: Burnout

Wayne Swan walked into a branch of HSBC to cash a cheque. As he approached
the cashier he said "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for
me"?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Swan: "Well I didn't bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any
need to. I am Wayne Swan, the Deputy Prime Minister!!!"

Cashier: "I'm sorry, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the
banks because of impostors and forgers, etc. I must insist on proof of
identity."

Swan: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you.
Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry Deputy Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and
I must follow them."

Swan: "But I need this cheque cashed, its very important"

Cashier: "Perhaps there's another way: One day Adam Scott came into the
bank without ID.
To prove he was Adam Scott he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful
shot across the bank into a cup.
With that particular shot we knew him to be Adam Scott and cashed his
cheque.
Another time, Leighton Hewitt came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis
racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup.
With that spectacular aim we cashed his cheque..
So sir, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the
Deputy
Prime Minister?"

Swan stood there thinking and finally says:
"Honestly, I can't think of a single thing I'm good at."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, Deputy Prime Minister?"

Burnout

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From: Diks
Bad day at the car show!
 Click here

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From: Johnny Green
Airplane Crash In-C*ckpit Footage: Stinson 108-3

Want to know what its like to be in a crash? At least they all survive!
 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Where is the rake?
I was doing garden work this weekend and my wife was about to take a
shower.
I realised that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, "Where is
the rake?"
She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?" I pointed to my eye, and
then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.
My wife wasn't sure and said "What?"
I repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"
My wife replied that she understands and signals back.
She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she
points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.
Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?
She replies,

"Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush"--

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Live sports call......
 Click here

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From: Seasoldier
Mildred and Chester

Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their
seventies when they got married.
They had to wait for Mildred's mother to pass away first. Back in those
days there was no hanky-panky before marriage so Chester and Mildred were
both still virgins.

Needless to say, Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night, having
waited so patiently all these years.
However, Mildred was very apprehensive as she had developed a heart
condition and would have to tell Chester that they Could not "do it."

Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry up. He detects
a little reluctance on her part. Thinking that she is shy he sends her off
to the bathroom to get undressed. When she reappears in her satin nightie,
he gets her to sit next to him on the bed. Not knowing how to get things
started, he pulls the first strap on her nightie. She blushes just as red
as the nightie. She is really concerned about telling Chester about her
heart condition. In the meantime Chester is looking at the first breast he
has seen up close since his own mother's. It is hanging there down to her
belly button, gravity having taken its toll over some sixty years.
He realizes her anxiety but figures she is going to have to be helped a
little more, so he pulls the second strap and sees the second breast unroll
downward before him.

Poor Mildred is now beside herself.
She is going to have to tell Chester about her heart. With a quivering
voice and mustering up all her courage, she says, " Chester, I have acute
angina."

Chester says, "I hope so, 'cause you've sure got some ugly tits."

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From: Sir Edward
Have a laugh at Trevor's expense
 Click here

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From: Allnutts
The Elephant Whisperer
 Click here Click here Click here

There is so much that we really do not know about the intelligence of
animals.

Lawrence Anthony, a legend in South Africa and author of 3 books including
the bestseller 'The Elephant Whisperer', bravely rescued wildlife and
rehabilitated elephants all over the globe from human atrocities, including
the courageous rescue of Baghdad Zoo animals during US invasion in 2003.
On March 7, 2012 Lawrence Anthony died. He is remembered and missed by his
wife, two sons, two grandsons and numerous elephants.
Two days after his passing, the wild elephants showed up at his home led by
two large matriarchs.
Separate wild herds arrived in droves to say goodbye to their beloved
man-friend. A total of 20 elephants had patiently walked over 12 miles to
get to his South African house.

Witnessing this spectacle, humans were obviously in awe not only because of
the supreme intelligence and precise timing that these elephants sensed
about Lawrence 's passing, but also because of the profound memory and
emotion the beloved animals evoked in such an organized way:
Walking slowly - for days - making their way in a solemn one-by-one queue
from their habitat to his house.

Lawrence's wife, Francoise, was especially touched, knowing that the
elephants had not been to his house prior to that day for well over a year!
But yet they knew where they were going.
The elephants obviously wanted to pay their deep respects, honouring their
friend who'd saved their lives.
They stayed for two days and two nights.
Then one morning, they left, making their long journey back home.

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From: Allnutts
London Olympics 1908
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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TEXAS TAN-LINE
 Click here

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From: Anonymous3
Women Fishing
 Click here

Ladies out fishing but under a "catch and release" restriction. Dialogue in
Russian(?) but the clip is self-explanatory.

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From: Megazorch
Great Design Work
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From: Mitta
Quilts in the Snow---FRANCE
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From: Mitta
NEW WORD.
 Click here

I think this is quite apt, and believe that it is sure to become a
recognised English word.
Finally - a word to describe our current political situation...!

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Thought you would like this....
 Click here

Talk about talking dogs!!!!!! This takes the bone

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From: Sack
UNBELIEEEEEEEVABLE !
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It's happening off the South Australian coast, near Port Lincoln.
Who said that animals do not have a soul?

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From: Sack
Motivational
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From: Sack
Montreal Gardens - must see!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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From: Sack
Yogi Bear in comfort.
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(Taken at the Shamattawa dump in Manitoba.)
Where's the remote?

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From: Seasoldier
Recycling Hobby
He used to go to all the public functions...especially the picture
theaters.
And always carried a Sugar Bag to collect empty bottles and cans.
His name was... Albert (Tapper) Torney Everyone thought he was a bit
eccentric and kids would tease and hassle him. But it was discovered he was
very talented and only sold the empty bottles and some of the cans. After
he died in 1998 (aged 86) His large collection of Model Cars he made from
the
Aluminum Cans was discovered.
This goes to prove..."You Shouldn't Judge A Book by its Cover", or a
Sculptor by his sugar bag.
Some of his collection ----
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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 Click here Click here

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[ End friday humour ]

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