Friday humour - August 17, 2012

From Burnout @ Bluehaze:

Well the Olympics are over yet again and here I sit deleting all the
repeats from past Olympics ... Just like last time.

So now it's on with all the latest (or very old) fun stuff.

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Subject: The Irish......

The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the
Irish Railway.
 
Gentleman,
I have been riding trains daily for the last two years, and the service on
your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in
the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system
is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan

Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service
and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of
transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Larnrod Eireann

Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are
confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of Numbers,
22nd Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That,
gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the
last two years!
Patrick Finnegan

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From: Burnout
Subject: Parking at the Car Show....
 Click here

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Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a
bottle of Liquid Paper. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's
group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ......... And then I saw her face......

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple
of Redhead matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk...
unfortunately, I had forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of
his cage.

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, the
ungrateful sods. 
All I said was, 'Hurry up for goodness sake ........... Some of us have got
homes to go to!'

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a
small white patch, so I've named him England...

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Subject: The boot is on the other foot...... for a change.
 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: Bob Ross Video - Happy Little Clouds

The late great Bob Ross Video - Happy Little Clouds
 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: For the funnies - stuff never mentioned during the Olympics
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: The argument

My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered
As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and
painful death!"
So I turned around and replied, "So now you want me to stay?"

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From: Sack
Subject: ONLY THE BRITS...

(ALL PLEASE STAND FOR THE MINI HORN SECTION)

Fresh from recording all 205 National Anthems to be played at this summer's
games, the London Philharmonic Orchestra has teamed up with MINI for one
more performance. All stand please for conductor Gareth Newman and the
London 2012 Limited Edition MINI's unique tribute to Team GB.
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: Fw: The Origin of the word "Olympics"

A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but
as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece.

In those days believe it or not the athletes performed naked.

To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on a
drink containing saltpetre before and throughout the variety of events.

At the opening ceremonial parade Gedophamee observed the first wave of
naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed: "OH!! Limp
Pr*cks!"

Over the next two and a half millennia that morphed into "Olympics".

Hey, I don’t make this up. Honestly, this fairy told me.
Have a great day!

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From: Sack
Subject: The Nude Men Clock

This is pretty neat. Make sure you click on the clock to see what happens!
Unbelievable !!!!! Honestly.

The Nude Men Clock

Be sure to click on the clock to make it digital. It's actually the correct
time even counting the seconds !!!
THE NUDE MEN CLOCK - A MUST SEE FOR YOURSELF
And it is NOT X-rated.

This is a masterpiece!!! This is extremely clever and it does actually
work,
in BOTH formats!!!! Digital and Analog. And it's actually on YOUR correct
time.
 Click here

Click anywhere in the clock and it becomes digital, another click and it
returns to normal.

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From: Sack
Subject: Modifications to the Rules of Golf

Modifications to the Rules of Golf - For Seniors Only!

Rule 1.a.5. A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and
placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled
into the rough with no penalty. The senior should not be penalized for tall
grass which groundskeepers failed to mow.

Rule 2.d.6 (b). A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the
tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game.
The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have travelled
if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there.

Rule 3.b.3 (g). There shall be no such thing as a lost ball; the missing
ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by
someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the
felony by charging himself or herself with a penalty.

Rule 4.c.7 (h). If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed
to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf.

Rule 5. Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown
in,
may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from
the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.

Rule 6.a.9 (k). There is no penalty for so-called "out of bounds." If
penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not
occur. The senior golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.

Rule 7.g.15 (z). There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf
balls should float. Senior golfers should not be penalized for
manufacturers' shortcomings.

Rule 8.k.9(s). Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by
purchasing new golf equipment. Since this is financially impracticable for
many senior golfers, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using
old equipment.

Please advise all your senior friends of these important rule changes.

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From: Sack
Subject: A Woman's Poem

He didn't like the casserole. And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard... Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right, He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks. The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer. I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him on the head...Like his mother used to
do.

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: New Word

Exhaustipated

Here is a new word to add to your vocabulary.
It will be especially useful to us senior folks!

Exhaustipated: Just too tired to give a sh*t.

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Some Olympic Bloopers (pops up after every Games - ED)

 Sports commentators show their intelligence

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far
during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her
snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from
personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and
father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in
boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can
expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like
it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC
president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian D*cks is everywhere. It's like they've got
eleven D*cks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that,
before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.
.......Oh my God, what have I just said?"

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From: Allnutts
Subject: Olympic Condoms ...
 Click here

Olympic Condoms ...
Husband says to wife, "My Olympic condoms have arrived ... I think I'll
wear Gold tonight."

Wife says, "Why not wear Silver and come second for a change."

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Normandy 1944 and Today
 Click here

Normandy 1944 and the present!

Patrick Elie did a lot of work to track down the exact place to take the
"current" photos.

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Unbelievable roads.
 Click here

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Dog with Chinese Name
 Click here

Dog For Sale . Free to good home. Excellent guard dog.
Owner cannot afford to feed Jethro anymore, as there are no more drug
pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him
to eat. Most of them knew Jethro only by his Chinese street name,
Ho Lee Sh*tt.

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From: Burnout
Subject: At 190kmph.......
 Click here

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From: Burnout
Subject: I cant sleep......
 Click here

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From: Cartographer Chris
Subject: How to tell if a skirt is too short...(XXX - ED)
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

YEP, THAT WOULD DO IT !!!

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From: Diks
Subject: Guidance-----Adult Humour (X - ED)
 Click here

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From: Diks
Subject: Great T Shirt!
 Click here

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From: Diks
Subject: Good Bye Arizona

A really sad story ........

Illegal immigrants are boycotting Arizona by the thousands, showing their
outrage with Arizona 's controversial new SB-1070 law by moving elsewhere.

In the small town of Guadalupe, AZ, Manuel Renaldo is one of those who is
punishing Arizona by leaving.
As he loaded his car with his belongings and family of ten, Renaldo told
this reporter through an interpreter "It's a matter of principle; I refuse
to be supported by a state that treats me like a criminal!"
 Click here

The effects of the exodus are being felt by Arizona retailers, who are
reporting dwindling sales of beer, spray paint, and ammunition. Also hit
hard are the state hospitals, which have reported a dramatic decline in
births and emergency room visits. Tattoo parlors are in a state of panic.

Renaldo told a reporter through an interpreter that he and his family are
moving to Canada, a democratic Country with high taxes where hard working
people will support him and his family with dignity!

Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it??

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Having s*x - just love this!
 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: THE NEW 20 SEAT CONCORDE
 Click here Click here Click here

At 20 seat capacity, who can afford to fly in it??

Twice as fast as Concorde: The supersonic jet that will fly from London to
New York in TWO HOURS.

SonicStar plane will have a top speed of Mach 3.6. Plans for 20-seat craft
were unveiled at Paris Air Show. A jet that can fly from London to Sydney
in three and a half hours could rob Concorde of its title as the
fastest-ever passenger plane..

Plans have been unveiled for the Hypermach SonicStar, a business jet which
will be capable of a top speed of 2,664 mph, twice as fast as Concorde. It
will fly at 62,000ft, allowing passengers to see the curvature of the
earth.

Hypermach chief executive Richard Lugg wants the plane in the skies within
ten years and has already secured funding from the Department of Trade and
Industry, which has agreed to support the company in Britain .

Return of supersonic travel: The SonicStar aircraft will be twice as fast
as
Concorde - so quick that travelling from London to New York will take just
two hours.

It was unveiled at the Paris Air Show.
Long-range cruise speed - Mach 3.1
High-speed cruise speed - Mach 3.4
Engines - Two SonicBlue S-MAGJET Hybrid Supersonic 4000-X Series
Thrust - Flat-rated to 54,700lb
Wing area - 1,800 square feet
Landing distance - 4,800ft
Range - 6,000 nautical miles
Highest Altitude - 62,000ft

CABIN
Length - 64metres
Height at maximum - 2.6metres
Width at maximum - 2.7metres
Visiting the Paris Air Show, Mr Lugg said: We have access to revolutionary
engine technology and a unique very high speed aircraft design to make this
kind of earth-shatteringly fast air travel possible, and we have a date.
Our plan is to build and fly the worlds first very high speed supersonic
hybrid aircraft by June 2021.

Propulsion for the 20-seat aircraft will come from two hybrid engines which
will be 30 per cent more fuel efficient than the Rolls-Royce engines used
in
Concorde.

It has been eight years since Concorde was retired from service and with it
the supersonic dreams of millions around the world.

HyperMach claims its SonicStar aircraft will be so quick that travelling
from London to New York will take just two hours.

A trip from New York to Sydney, meanwhile, will be cut by a staggering 75
per cent - from 20 hours on a commercial airliner to just five hours.

It will be able to cruise at Mach 3.1, a speed made possible by S-MAGJET
hybrid gas turbine engine technology; nobody has ever travelled that fast
before.

Its top speed, however, will be Mach 3.6.

With relatively low fuel consumption, the Sonic Star 'overcomes the
economic and environmental challenges of supersonic flight to revolutionise
the way we travel and drive air transportation forward into the future,'
claims
HyperMach.

By using electromagnetic currents across the fuselage to suppress the sonic
boom, the plane is able to overcome the noise regulations that constrict
supersonic travel.

It has a range of 6,000 nautical miles and its 54,700 thrust class S-MAGJET
engine - actually two engines - is optimised to fly the aircraft at
62,000ft. But it is the reduction in jet engine emissions that HyperMach
believes will prove the secret of SonicStar's success.

Tomorrow's world: HyperMach plans to build its SonicStar engine by the end
of the decade and to have the plane itself constructed by 2025. SonicStar
will be able to cruise at Mach 3.1, a speed made possible by S-MAGJET
hybridgas turbine engine-technology

A spokesman said: 'The engine is a true hybrid. It generates massive
electrical power on board using proprietary integrated turbine
electromagnetic generation technology to segment each engine rotating
component stage electrically.

'Every stage from bypass fans to compressor to turbine rotates
independently of the other.'
This segmentation will enable the engine to change the operating speeds of
its rotating components continually throughout the flight to respond to the
changing conditions of the atmosphere and the flight and performance
demands of the aircraft. the HyperMach claims that this, along with the
S-MAGJET plasma fuel combustion technology, will result in a 40 to 50 per
cent increase in the ability of engine to convert fuel to thrust.

The company said such fuel efficiency would ultimately lead to a 30 to 35
per cent reduction in fuel used as supersonic speeds.

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: it looks like some of these ufo sightings might be for real
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: Beware of the Dog??
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: Australian wreath.
 Click here

Australian Wreath.....is there anything more beautiful than nature at it's
best!!

This delightful circle was taken at Lamington National Park, west of the
Gold Coast, Queensland. They are native Australian mountain parrots; the
red and blue kind are Crimson Rosella, and the red and green are King
Parrots. They are feasting on sunflower seeds which were left for them,
but did not expect them to form such a perfect ring.

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From: Sack
Subject: Fw: The Great Escape - The Real (True) Story
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Good thing this was not an event in the current London 2012 Olympic Games -
Canada would have not been mentioned (incompetent and crooked officials and
referees rampant at the London Games).

Untouched for almost seven decades, the tunnel used in the 'real' Great
Escape has finally been unearthed.

The 111-yard passage nicknamed ‘Harry’ by Allied prisoners was sealed by
the
Germans after the audacious break-out from the POW camp Stalag Luft III in
western Poland.

Despite huge interest in the subject, encouraged by the film starring Steve
McQueen, the tunnel remained undisturbed over the decades because it was
behind the 'Iron Curtain' and the Soviet authorities had no interest in its
significance.

But at last British archaeologists have excavated it, and discovered its
remarkable secrets.

Many of the bed boards which had been joined together to stop it
collapsing were still in position.

And the ventilation shaft, ingeniously crafted from used powdered milk
containers known as Klim Tins, remained in working order. Scattered
throughout the tunnel, which is 30ft below ground, were bits of old metal
buckets, hammers and crowbars which were used to hollow out the route. A
total of 600 prisoners worked on three tunnels at the same time. They were
nicknamed Tom, D*ck and Harry and were just 2 ft square for most of their
length.

It was on the night of March 24 and 25, 1944, that 76 Allied airmen escaped
through Harry. Barely a third of the 200 prisoners – many in fake German
uniforms and civilian outfits and carrying false identity papers – who were
meant to slip away managed to leave before the alarm was raised when
escapee number 77 was spotted.

Tunnel vision: A tunnel reconstruction showing the trolley system.

Only three made it back to Britain. Another 50 were executed by firing
squad on the orders of Adolf Hitler, who was furious after learning of the
breach of security. In all, 90 boards from bunk beds, 62 tables, 34 chairs
and 76 benches, as well as thousands of items including knives, spoons,
forks,
towels and blankets, were squirrelled away by the Allied prisoners to aid
the escape plan under the noses of their captors.

Although the Hollywood movie suggested otherwise, NO Americans were
involved in this operation.
Most were British, and the others were from Canada, (all the tunnellers
were
Canadian personnel ( google: 'Wally Floody') with backgrounds in mining.)
Poland, New Zealand, Australia, and South Africa.

The site of the tunnel, recently excavated by British archaeologists

The latest dig, over three weeks in August, located the entrance to Harry,
which was originally concealed under a stove in Hut 104. The team also
found another tunnel, called George, whose exact position had not been
charted. It was never used as the 2,000 prisoners were forced to march to
other camps as the Red Army approached in January 1945.

Watching the excavation was Gordie King, 91, an RAF radio operator, who was
140th in line to use Harry and therefore missed out. ‘This brings back
such bitter-sweet memories,’ he said as he wiped away tears. ‘I’m amazed by
what they’ve found.’

Bitter-sweet memories: Gordie King, 91, made an emotional return to Stalag
Luft III.

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From: Sack
Subject: The right moment
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: Mrs Brown Says...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: Vegas demolition

Only in Las Vegas ....
could they make demolishing a building (in this case, it was the Frontier
Casino/Hotel)..... such a glitzy and entertaining event. As you watch the
clip (it begins with fireworks on and around the building)... pay special
attention to how the demolition team set-up a display (in the windows) to
start the count-down.
 Click here

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From: The Great Gussius
Subject: Choir Boy

An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating.
He said, "What are you doing father?"
"It's called masturbating the priest replied, "You'll be doing this soon."
"Why father ?" he asked
"Because my wrist is killing me" the priest replied.

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From: The Great Gussius
Subject: Do it just like Bolt - why not I ask?
 Click here

I fast forwarded through 'Bolt' the animated movie in 3D, then watched
Olympian Usain Bolt's 100 metre gold medal.
Next time the missus complains when I finish under 10 seconds, I'll do the
'To Di World' pose. That's what champs do.

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Quote of the Week:

“Life must be lived and curiosity kept alive. One must never, for whatever
reason, turn his back on life.”

Eleanor Roosevelt.

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[ End friday humour ]

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