Friday humour - August 10, 2012

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

Well I have been watching the Olympics. I know its all money and product
these days, but if you look real hard through all that fluff and bunting
you can still see outstanding performances from brilliant athletes of many
persuasions and nationalities. At the core of it, it is still all about the
athletes. Sadly though, it seems that the "gold at all costs" mantra and
the "of course we will win" belief has had a devastating effect on some of
our (Australian) athletes this time around. The AOC, national sporting
bodies, and coaches all need to have a close look at what they are feeding
the athletes in the way of values and expectations. I am sure we did much
better and had fewer breakdowns when trying your very best was the only
measure. BTW, hasnít GB done well! Nothing like a home games to get the
funding flowing ...

This weeks collection comes courtesy of Billy Bunter of Adelaide, Burnout,
Dianne, Diks, Duke of Barsinov, Mitta, Nottingham Smithie, Seasoldier, 
Terrible Tez, The Great Gussius, and the Anonymi. Enjoy.

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A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's
definitely race related...

Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced
they are closing lanes 7 and 8....

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but
explaining they were not a dating agency...

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through
her knickers drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a
French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, he finally decided if
she can't hold down a job, she's not for him.

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder
and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to
Murphy and says "I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and
feel sick."

Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"

Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner."

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The Suspicious Wife

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair
with the Maid.

So she laid down a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend & didn't tell
the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story:
"Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches", and went to the bathroom.

The wife promptly went into the Maid's bed. She switched the lights off.
When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but had his way with
her....

When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect
to find me in this bed, did you?" And then she switched on the light...

"No madam", said the Gardener ...

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Singing chook ...
 Click here

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Paris panorama ...
 Click here

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August is golf month!!

The famous 17th hole "Island Green" of the TPC Sawgrass course in Point
Verde Beach, FL, sees an average of 175,000 golf balls hit into the water
annually.

Tiger Woods shot his first hole-in-one at the age of eight. The youngest
person ever to get an ace was 5-year-old Coby Orr, in 1975.

The first golf balls used in the 16th century were believed to be made out
of wood.

The largest golf green is at the 5th hole at International Golf Club in
Massachusetts. It is a 695-yard par 6 with a green area over 28,000 sqft.

The largest sand trap in the world is on the 7th hole at Pine Valley Course
in New Jersey. Known as the Hell's Half Acre, which is 100 yards long and
spans the width of the entire fairway.

The longest golf hole in the world is the 7th hole at the Sano Course at
the Satusuki Golf Club in Japan. It is a par 7 and stretches 909 yards from
tee to green.

The average driver swing speed for women is 62 mph, while the average for
men is 84mph. Tour professionals add an average of 30mph in both cases.

80% of all golfers will never achieve a handicap lower than 18.

The first golf tournament on record was held at the Prestwick Golf Course
in Scotland in 1860. The first tournament for women only was held in Long
Island NY in 1895.

There are two golf balls on the moon.

The most expensive course to play a round of golf at is the Shadow Creek
Golf Course in LA.


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One tough biker.
†
Don't find many Heroes like this one!
†
A group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a
girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks
through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you
doing?"

She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."
†
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a
be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why
don't you give me a kiss?"
†
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did
just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately
by another one.
††
After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the
onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow!† That was the best
kiss I have ever had Honey!† That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar
Shorts.† You could be famous if you rode with me.† Why are you committing
suicide?"
†
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
†
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

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Look at that happening in Sabadella, near Barcelona, Spain. Wonderful.
 Click here

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A young girl started work in the village drug store. She was very shy about
having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a
couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her
own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the
contraceptives.

"Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask
for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom won't even
be used.

The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the
shop, put out his hand and said "350".

The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her
predicament.

"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs"
her boss told her.

She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his
legs. "Yes"! she said, " He's got one hanging there"!

The boss said "Go back in and give him £3-50 ... he's the Window cleaner"!

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A priest was invited to attend a house party. Naturally, he was properly
dressed and wearing his Priest's Collar.

A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening.

Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at.

The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.

When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked the
boy, "Do you know why I am wearing that?"

The boy nodded his head yes, and replied, "It kills fleas and ticks for up
to three months"

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The camera.

The Pope was having a shower. Although he is very strict about the celibacy
rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist, and this
was one of these occasions. Just as he reached the
Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying
through the air.

"Hold on a minute" said the Pope, "you can't do that; you'll destroy the
reputation of the Catholic Church."

"This picture is my lottery win" said the photographer; I'll be financially
secure for life."

So, the Pope offered to buy the camera off the photographer, and after lots
of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two million quid.
The Pope then dried himself off, and headed off with his new camera.

He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera. "That looks like a really
good camera," she said, "how much did it cost you?"

"Two million quid" replied the Pope.

"TWO MILLION QUID!" said the housekeeper, "They must have seen you coming!"

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Virgin Mary comes alive
 Click here

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The secret to long life...

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an old lady. She was sitting on her
front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't
help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice
big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack
Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, have
s*x, and I don't exercise at all."

"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"

"Forty," she replied.

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The Feds Again!
 Click here

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Why God Sends Rain To Mexico & Not The Middle East
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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When life was civilised before they took the obey clause out of the
marriage vows.
 Click here

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Found an old picture of you as a young boy with your babysitter.
 Click here
My psychiatrist tells me this is probably where your problems all started!

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Brisbane airport billboard for new Thai Airline.
 Click here

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Adult Cartoons
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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How are the cyclists legs developing
 Click here
How are those muscles developing on your thighs?
Like this? It might help these Olympians to pedal, but could you get a leg
over on a hot date?

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Does my bum look big in this?
 Click here
Yes Dear.

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Bill Clinton's new dog
 Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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