Friday humour - July 20, 2012

From Burnout @ Bluehaze:

Two men in a bar one man turns to the other and asks, "Tell me, why do you
keep pouring beer into your hand?" The other man replies, "I'm getting my
date drunk."

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As the coffin was lowered into the ground at a NSW Highway Patrol Officers
funeral, a voice from inside the box screams, "I'm not dead, I'm not dead.
Let me out". The priest smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth
and mutters "Too Late ar*ehole, the paperwork's already done"!!!

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From: Diks
Subject: Health Care Analysis

Let me get this straight . .. ..
We're going to be "gifted" with a health care plan we are forced to
purchase and fined if we don't, Which, purportedly covers at least ten
million more people, without adding a single new doctor, but provides for
16,000 new IRS agents, written by a committee whose chairman says he
doesn't understand it, passed by a Congress that didn't read it (but
exempted themselves from it), and signed by a President who smokes,
with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes,
for which we'll be taxed for four years before any benefits take effect,
by a congress which has already bankrupted Social Security and Medicare,
all to be overseen by an obese surgeon general and financed by a country
that's broke!!

What the hell could possibly go wrong?'

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Clever anagrams

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS :
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS :
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS !  NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT :
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Bet your friends haven't seen this one ! ! !

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Fw: flight radar

This is amazing. It could keep you occupied for hours. Kind regards Graham

Note: click "jump to area" to get Europe and + to enlarge.
 Click here

Right click on the picture to Zoom in and have a look at the radar picture
over the UK right now.

Click on any aircraft and it will give you the details in a box on the
Left hand side.

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject:  wanna car, guy selling his car - advert sooo funny!
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: My Tax Return

Yesterday I got my Tax Return "Returned"

I was trying to get a jump on doing my taxes this year,
however, the ATO sent my Tax Return back!!

I guess it was because of my response to the line, which said:
"List All Dependents"

So, I replied:

1/2 million illegal immigrants 1/4 million crack heads 2 million
unemployable people living on welfare

1 million people in over 123 prisons and 353 fools in Parliament House and
the Senate.

Apparently, this was NOT acceptable.....

So I sent it back with a question asking "did I forget someone"?

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From: Sack
Subject: English, The Universal Language

Wonderful English from Around the World

In a Bangkok Temple :
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

C*cktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctor's office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombasa , leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN
BED.

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL C*CKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF
DIFFERENT S*X, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT,
UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE S*X IN
THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. (Just Like British
Airways!!!)

A Laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD
TIME.

            And finally the all time classic:

Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:
IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE.

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From: Sack
Subject: School Inspector

The school inspector is assigned to the Year 4 class in one of the local
Brisbane State schools. He is introduced to the class by the teacher.

She says to the class, "Let's show the inspector just how clever you are by
allowing him to ask you a question".

The inspector reasons that normally class starts with religious
instruction,
so he will ask a biblical question. He asks: "Class, who broke down the
walls of Jericho?"

For a full minute there is absolute silence. The children all just stare at
him blankly Eventually, little Bruce raises his hand.

The inspector excitedly points to him.

Bruce stands up and replies: "Sir, I do not know who broke down the walls
of Jericho, but I can assure you it wasn't me".

Of course the inspector is shocked by the answer and the lack of knowledge
of the famous Bible story and he looks at the teacher for an explanation.

Realizing that he is perturbed, the teacher says: "Well, I've known Bruce
since the beginning of the year, and I believe that if he says that he
didn't do it, then he didn't do it".

The inspector is even more shocked at this and storms down to the
principal's office and tells him what happened, to which the principal
replies : "I don't know the boy, but I socialize every now and then with
his teacher, and I believe her. If she feels that the boy is innocent, then
he must be innocent".

The inspector can't believe what he is hearing. He grabs the phone on the
principal's desk and in a rage, dials Julia Gillard's telephone number and
rattles off the entire occurrence to her and asks her what she thinks of
the education standard in the State.

The PM sighs heavily and replies: "I don't know the boy, the teacher or the
principal, but just get three quotes and get the bloody wall fixed!!"

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From: Sack
Subject: Trip to the Grocery Store

There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was ready to
pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security
running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that
she was referring to my credit card.

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: The best lawyer story of all time.....

The best lawyer story of all time....

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the
city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid              
           the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even
though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a
penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your
community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also
show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has
huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh . . . no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled
veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his
wife and six children?"

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off
again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in
a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three
children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities
requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I
had no idea."

And the lawyer says, "So .. . . if I didn't give any money to them, what
makes you think I'd give any to you?"

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Ball Bite'n Fish
 Click here

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From: Burnout
Subject: Be honest - & get a deal....
 Click here

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From: Burnout
Subject: Beer advertisements hated by the Germans
 Click here

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From: Burnout
Subject: The early appointment.......
 Click here

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From: Burnout
Subject: Police Dog.....
 Click here

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From: Diks
Subject: INCREDIBLE: See this Absolute Miracle
 Click here

A yellow Ford cures crippled man who had just left the welfare office.
Please join us in asking the Vatican to canonize the yellow Ford...

Bet ya can't watch it 3 times without laughing out loud!!!!!!!!!!

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: For those of us who have been there - a most wonderful reminder.
 Click here

Do you want to see Paris France from the top of the Eiffel Tower?

Click on the photo and you are on top of the Eiffel Tower scanning Paris!
Don't forget to try all the buttons at the bottom of the photo.

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject:  Chocolate and Cakes like you've never seen them!

You can eat the box after you finish eating the chocolate

Hard to believe they are ...... Cakes.

Yes, everything you see is a cake with the frosting.
The sewing machine and other items look so real it
Looks like they are the real thing - but,
They are all just cake and frosting.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: skew wiff kelly
 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: a poem by one of Australia's greatest romantic poets
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: Always look on the bright side...Beer Ad
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: Teamwork
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject:   Punography

I changed my iPod name to Titanic.   It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never
met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had Type A blood, but it was a Type- O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she
couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary?   A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

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From: Sack
Subject: Granny video good clean fun to watch
 Click here

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Great Commercial...
 Click here

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Two New Sports Being Considered for the Olympics (XXX - ED)
 Click here Click here

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Welcome to Canada...!!!
 Click here

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From: The Great Gussius
Subject: I expect to win Masterchef with this
 Click here

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From: The Great Gussius
Subject: Girls the Latest fashion this summer
 Click here

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From: The Great Gussius
Subject: it adds up
 Click here

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From: The Great Gussius    (X - ED)
Subject: Pussy snapshot, apparently
 Click here

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From: The Great Gussius
Subject: makes sense when lost
 Click here

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From: The Great Gussius
Subject: Doormats with Flair
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: The Great Gussius
Subject: to protect and serve

Q. How Many Chinese Cops Does It Take to Save a Blow-Up Doll?
A. Eighteen.

On the evening of July 11, what looked like a dead body was spotted in a
river in Shangdong, China.
Eighteen police officers arrived on the scene, and over a thousand people
showed up at the river to rubberneck. It became impossible for fire trucks
to make their way though.

Police worked for an hour to retrieve the body. Once they fished it out,
cops discovered it was no dead body. Rather, it was actually a blow-up
doll.

In the police's defense, the blow-up doll certainly did look like a
floating corpse from a distance and good on them for mobilizing so quickly
to retrieve it.

But, as the Chinese press pointed out, the police spent so much energy to
to protect and serve even a s*x toy.

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: GUIDE DOGS
 Click here

If this doesn't make you laugh, you have a problem!!
The hardest part of being a guide dog!

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From: anonymous
Subject: Ultimate 'Man Sandwich'... its clean

This is unbeleivable - just think of the fat and cholesterol that you would
be eating!!!!!

TO ALL THOSE HUNGRY MEN OUT THERE!!!

Here's what you are going to need
 Click here

I used a loaf of hard crusted Italian bread, 3 ribeye steaks 1 lb
mushrooms, an onion and some bacon.
Hollow out bread
 Click here

Cook that
 Click here

try to leave the steaks a little rare as they will carry over cook a little
more in the sandwich
Shove one of the steaks in the bread
 Click here

Sauce the steak
 Click here

I like to have to halves of the sandwich different so I use half thick
Worchester sauce and half Dijon mustard and horse radish sauce layer of
bacon
 Click here

layer of Swiss cheese
 Click here

stuff in as much of the mushroom and onion mixture you can
 Click here

then the other steak along with the juices from the pan
 Click here

a little more sauce
 Click here

top off with more Swiss
 Click here

put the top of the loaf back on
 Click here

wrap in butchers paper
 Click here

wrap in foil
 Click here

put a heavy cutting board on top to squish it down
 Click here

now weight and wait and wait
 Click here

I used 140lbs of weight and let it sit for 4 hours take weight off
 Click here
cut and enjoy.
 Click here

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Quote of the Week:

Can I see another's woe,
And not be in sorrow too?
Can I see another's grief,
And not seek for kind relief?

Can I see a falling tear,
And not feel my sorrow's share?
Can a father see his child
Weep, nor be with sorrow filled?

Can a mother sit and hear
An infant groan, an infant fear?
No, no! never can it be!
Never, never can it be! ”

William Blake.

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[ End friday humour ]

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