Friday humour - July 06, 2012

Contributors this week include:
Anonymous3, Burnout, Diks, Nottingham Smithie, Sack, Seasoldier, Terrible
Tez, Sir Edward, Whizzbang, Allnutts, Duke of Barsinov, Fujitsu Dave, 
Mitta and anon.

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A night in Macau:

Fantastic video of a night in Macau.
 Click here

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Old age romance:
 Click here

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Canadian National Anthem:

Very nice but I prefer Moosehead...........................

Shortness would be welcome at Hockey Games...

Our anthem. Like never before. Five musicians conduct an experiment to
perform O Canada using nothing but instruments made from Molson Canadian
bottles and cans. The result is something no one expected. Check it out:
 Click here

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While walking the golf course:

An elderly lady was walking on the golf course on the island of Martha's
Vineyard. (Merritt Island?)
She slipped and fell. Obama who was behind her by chance, helped her to get
up promptly.

She thanked him and he answered - "It was a pleasure to help you. Don't you
recognize me? I am your president.

Are you going to vote for me in the next election?"

The elderly woman laughed and replied: ''Dumbsh*t!!... I fell on my ass ...
not on my head

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5 hours to Hoover the house:

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to Hoover
the house.
Turns out she was a Slovak.

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Newfoundlanders Fire Insurance:

A man and his wife moved back home to Newfoundland , from Vancouver.The
wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in BC was $2000.00 a year!

When they arrived in Newfoundland , they went to an Insurance agency to see
how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.
The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Newfoundland
to insure, because it cost him $2000.00 in BC!

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it
is on the screen,it says:

*Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00.*'
I always did find the Newfoundland Logic far superior to most others.

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Funeral:

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head
with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

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Black Voodoo Mama!..advertising at its best:

This clip is one of the best I've ever seen.
 Click here

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Look Ma, no license:

I was driving the other day and crashed through a hedge coming to rest on
the lawn.

The guy on the lawn chair helped me out of the car.

"My goodness," he exclaimed, "you're kinda old to be driving!"

"Yes, I replied, "I am old enough that I don't need a license."

"What... NO LICENSE?"

"Nope! The last time I went to my doctor he examined me and asked if I had
a driving license. I told him 'yes' and handed it to him. He took scissors
out of a drawer, cut the license into pieces, threw them in the wastebasket
and said, 'You won't need this anymore.' So I thanked him and left."

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A Golfer accidentally overturned his cart.

Elizabeth, a real golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course heard the
noise and yelled over to him.

"Hey, are you okay, what's your name?"
"Willis," he replied.

"Willis forget your troubles. Come to my villa,
rest up and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered,
"but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Aw come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty and persuasive.

"Well okay," Willis finally agreed,
And added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a hearty drink AND s*xy driving and putting lessons, Willis thanked
his host.
"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" Elizabeth said with a smile , she wont know any thing.
By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!"

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A TITANIC DISCOVERY:

Paddy and Mick were on the diving team to go down to the wreck of the
Titanic. On surfacing the TV news reporters asked them what impressed them
most.
'Well lads' said Paddy, 'you'll never believe it, but after all these years
the top deck swimming pool is still full!"

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Where has all our innocence gone:

While I sat in the reception area
                 of my doctor's office, a woman rolled  an elderly man
                 in a wheelchair into the room.  As she went
                 to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone
                 and silent.  Just as I was thinking I should make
                 small talk with him, a little boy slipped off
                 his mother's lap and  walked over to
                 the wheelchair.  Placing his hand on the
                 man's, he said, 'I know how you feel.  My
                 mom makes me ride in the stroller too.'

*****

As I was nursing
                 my baby, my cousin's six-year-old
                 daughter, Krissy, came into the room.
                 Never having seen anyone breast feed
                 before, she was intrigued and full of all
                 kinds of questions about what I was doing.
                  After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom
                 has some of those, but I don't think she knows
                 how to use them.'

*****

Out bicycling
                 one day with my eight-year-old
                 granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a  little
                 wistful.  'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want
                 to  be with your friends and you won't go
                 walking, biking, and  swimming with me like you do
                 now.  Carolyn shrugged.  'In ten years you'll be
                 too old to do all those things  anyway.'

******

Working as a pediatric
                 nurse, I had the difficult assignment
                 of giving immunization shots to  children.
                 One day, I entered the examining room to give
                 four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she
                 screamed.  'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's
                 not polite behavior.'  With that, the girl
                 yelled even  louder, 'No, thank you!  No, thank
                 you!

******

On the way back from a Cub
                 Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son,
                 'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but
                 how do they get there in the first place?'  After my
                 son hemmed and hawed awhile,  my grandson finally
                 spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make
                 up something, Dad.  It's okay if you don't
                 know the answer..'

*****
Just before I
                 was deployed to Iraq , I  sat my eight-year-old
                 son down and broke the news to  him..  'I'm
                 going to be away for a long time,' I told
                 him.  'I'm going to Iraq .'   'Why?' he
                 asked.  'Don't you know there's a war going
                 on  over there?'

*****

Paul Newman
                 founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for
                 children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood
                 diseases.  One afternoon, he and is wife,
                 Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with
                 the kids.  A counselor at a nearby
                 table, suspecting the young patients
                 wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star,
                 explained, 'That's the man who made this camp
                 possible.  Maybe you've seen his picture on
                 his salad dressing bottle?'  Blank
                 stares.  'Well, you've probably seen his face on
                 his lemonade carton.'  An eight-year-old girl
                 perked  up.  'How long was he missing?'

*****
  MY FAVORITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God's  Problem Now.

His wife's graveside
                 service was just barely finished, when  there was
                 a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous
                 bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder
                 rumbling in the distance.  The little, old man
                 looked at the  pastor and calmly said,

                 'Well, she's there.

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Nine:

I was meeting a friend in a bar and as I went in, I noticed two pretty
girls looking at me "Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed. Feeling
pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had
just rated me a nine out of ten.

"I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in, they
were speaking German."

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Medical examination:

   While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her: "Your heart,
lungs, pulse & BP are fine. Now let me see that little thing which gets you
ladies into all kinds of trouble."

  The lady started taking off her clothes.....

  Doctor, stopping her: "No! No! Please put on your clothes. Just show me
your tongue."

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BEARDS:

The following link will take you to a Latvian newspaper which has published
images of the winners in the Los Angeles beard and mustache competition.

After the first image go forward or back for the rest. Do these blokes have
an inferiority complex ?
 Click here

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French Night Club Act:

This is well worth a look-see. Another terrific performance at this French
venue! Enjoy!
 Click here

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Northern territory:

I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car in Sydney that read

'I miss Alice Springs'.

So I broke the windows,  took the wireless and left half a dozen empty VB
tinnies on the front seat with a note that read,

'I hope this helps'

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One last kiss:
 Click here

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Requesting a small favour:

Dear friends

There are less than 18 months until election day when the people will
decide who will be the next prime minister of Australia.

The person elected will be the prime minister for all Australians, not just
the Liberal or Labor voters. Its time that we all need to come together,
Liberals and Laborites alike, in a bi-partisan effort for
Australia.

If you will support Tony Abbot, please drive with your headlights ON during
the day.
If you support Julia Gillard, please drive with your headlights OFF at
night.
Together, we can make it happen.

Thank you!

A concerned Australian Voter

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Old celebrity photos:
 Click here

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Grandma Gets A Tattoo:

Dont blame me, I just forward them on.
 Click here

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The New Obama Army:
 Click here

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Little Johnny Joke, Nude XXX:
 Click here

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Blow Dryer:
 Click here

Tony's wife caught him blow drying his penis this morning and asked him
what the hell he was doing.   
Apparently ... "Warming up your breakfast"… wasn’t the right answer!

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LOL:
 Click here

In case you failed to get the message....................

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Cave Discovered:
 Click here

    Cave Discovered in Vietnam, this is a must view.

        This place is unreal. It is amazing that things and places like
this are still being discovered on our planet. This cave is absolutely
massive...

*MOST OF US WILL NEVER SEE THE LIKES OF THIS IN OUR LIFETIME*.

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Amish Centerfold, ratedG:
 Click here

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The longest password:
 Click here

We laugh -- but her I. D. is safe.

During a recent password audit by a company, it was found that an employee
was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said:
"Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one
capital."

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Love the PS at the end:
 Click here

 To my  darling husband, Before  you return from your overseas trip I just
want to let you  know  about the small  accident I had with the 4 by 4 when
I turned into the  driveway.....    
Fortunately not too bad  and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't
worry  too much about me.  

I was  coming home from Tesco and when I turned into the driveway. I
accidentally  pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.   

The garage door is slightly bent but  the 4 by 4 fortunately came to a
halt  when it  bumped into your car. 

I am  really sorry, but  I know with your kind-hearted  personality you
will forgive  me. You know how much I love you and care for you my 
sweetheart  

I am  enclosing a photo for you. 

I cannot  wait to hold you in my arms again.    

Your  loving wife. 
P.S.       Your  girlfriend  phoned.

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Amazing flying pics (Jubilee Celebrations):
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

One last look  back at those amazing Jubilee celebrations . . . as seen by
the 'Tail-end  Charlie' in
Britain's last airworthy Lancaster. 
Incredible footage has been released showing the bird's eye  view enjoyed
by crew aboard a
Lancaster bomber flying over London for the  Queen's Diamond Jubilee
celebrations.
 
The  aeroplane, which is part of the RAF's Battle of Britain Memorial
Flight  (BBMF), flew in formation with aircraft including a Spitfire,
Hurricane  and Dakota transport aircraft down The Mall, followed by the Red
Arrows  aerobatic team - to the delight of crowds and the Royal Family at 
Buckingham
Palace below.
As  well as preserving a fleet of priceless aircraft and keeping them in 
tip-top flying condition, the
BBMF reminds the nation of the sacrifices  made during World War Two.
   
Spectacular: The tail gunner's view from the Lancaster bomber,  as it
completed the Diamond
Jubilee flypast. Buckingham Palace Gardens can  be seen behind the tail of
a Hurricane fighter, also of the Battle of  Britain Memorial Flight, which
flew in formation with the  Lancaster  
Final approach: The RAF Battle of Britain Memorial Flight  Lancaster lines
up alongside the Thames with Charing Cross Station ahead  of it in the
final moments before it flies over the  Mall  

View from above: Hundreds of thousands of people crowd The Mall  below the
Lancaster bomber  

Target in sight! The nose of the Lancaster passes over the Mall  and
towards Buckingham Palace during the climax of its  flypast
Based at RAF Coningsby in Lincolnshire, many of its personnel,  including
pilots, are volunteers and the flight costs about £3m a year to  run.
   Squadron Leader Ian Smith, who is in charge of the BBMF, is the  only
permanent member, with all of the remaining pilots, navigators, air 
engineers and other crew coming from different airbases and ordinarily 
flying several different types of aircraft; from Typhoon fighters to the 
huge Hercules transport plane.
 
Cramped: The footage shows just how tight a fit it can be  aboard a vintage
aircraft    
Tight squeeze: Crew aboard the Lancaster  bomber
The  aircrew give up three out of every four weekends from May to the end
of  September in order to fly and display the historic aircraft.
The  footage, released by the Ministry of Defence, shows just how tight a
fit  it can be aboard a vintage aircraft, with the crew - clearly eager to 
catch a glimpse of the Queen - taking up most of the available  space.
The  historic flight includes the Lancaster, which first saw service in
1942.  The 'Lanc' was the most famous of the Second World War bombers and
gained  renown for its starring role in the momentous 'Dambuster' raid on 
Germany's Ruhr Valley in 1943.
Carrying a payload of 22,000lb and with a 1,500-mile range, the  RAF bomber
wreaked havoc on
Germany. Some 3,500 were lost in action during  the war.

 
The view of Buckingham Palace and The Mall beyond from the  Lancaster
bomber  

In formation: Incredible footage has been released showing the  view
enjoyed by crew aboard a
Lancaster bomber flying over London for the  Queen's Diamond Jubilee
celebrations    
Hurricane single-seater fighters played a crucial role in the  Battle of
Britain. Heavier and slower than the Spitfire, it was considered  the RAF's
'workhorse' against the Luftwaffe.
A  remarkable total of 14,533 Hurricanes were built and served
operationally  on every day and in every theatre during the war. Only 12
are still  airworthy worldwide.
The  Spitfire is the iconic fighter that won legendary status against the 
Luftwaffe in the Battle of
Britain. It possessed atop speed of 378mph, an  altitude of 35,000ft and
armed with two 20mm cannons, four Browning  machine guns and two 250lb
bombs.
One  of the four that flew yesterday was P7350 - the oldest airworthy
Spitfire  in the world and the only one which actually fought in the Battle
of  Britain. It was shot up by a Messerschmitt 109 during combat in October
 1940 but its wounded Polish pilot Ludwik Martel managed to crash-land it,
wheels up, near Hastings.
 

The pride of Britain: The vintage planes - all powered by  classic World
War Two Merlin engines -
roar across the London  sky     Flypast: The Duchess of Cornwall, the
Prince of Wales, the  Queen, the Duke and Duchess of
Cambridge and Prince Harry watch the aerial  action    

Aerobatic aces: The Red Arrows display team fly in formation  over
Buckingham Palace    
Stirring image: The Lancaster, centre, was accompanied by two  Spitfires on
both flanks and tailed by a  Hurricane.

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Contribution:
 Click here

I found this on Google books. They have almost every issue of Popular
Mechanics magazine online.
This is from the Jan 1943 edition and conveys the hatred of the enemy in
the USA at the time.
Quite what the sender thinks could be done with his $100 of chemicals
remains a mystery!

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Peac*ck in Flight:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Course De Chiens (very cute!):
 Click here

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Where Do Old Bumper Cars Go:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

           Where Do Old Bumper Cars Go?

                                The ones in Coney Island and Rockaway Park
back in the 20s thru to the 50s ran on electric, had a pole on the back
going to a metal electrical charged overhead plate.

THESE ARE

                                Remember driving the bumper cars at
amusement parks or a fair, don't you?
They were so much fun..... Well, now what do you do with old Bumper Cars?

                                (and check out the license plates!)
                            Yes, you read that right; these little beasties
are street legal.

                                They run on either Kawasaki or Honda
motorcycle engines and co-opt vintage bumper car bodies into the most
awesome form of mini-car we've seen in too long. There are seven of these
little monsters floating around California and they're all the creation of
one man, Tom
Wright, a builder in the outskirts of San Diego who figured the leftovers
of the Long Beach Pike amusement park needed a more dignified end than the
trash heap.

                                They were originally powered by two
cylinder Harley Davidson
                                Motorcycle engines but they rattled like
heck because of the two cylinder
                                Vibration and Tom replaces them with four
cylinder Honda or Kawasaki 750's
                                And a couple have been measured as capable
of 160 MPH, which is terrifyingly fast in machines with such a short
wheelbase.

                                By the way, they are almost indestructible
in accidents!

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STREET GANGS IN CALGARY , ALBERTA:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

It's gangs like these that the people of Calgary have to put up with..
A bit different from the problems in other cities...
It proves that every City has their own "unique" gang problems. They
Roam the streets and yards night and day.
They hang out in even the best neighborhoods!
..and you CANNOT (legally) stop them.
AREN'T THEY MAGNIFICENT !!!!???

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MILK: xxx
 Click here

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Another sh*tty Day: xxx
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

                  I thought I'd finally have a quiet day - Then..in the
morning, the maid showed up..

                  Then, UPS arrived..

                  Then I had forgotten to shop for groceries. So I had to
run down to the store and stare at shoppers for an hour..

                  On your way back, these biker bitches Attacked me...

                  I couldn't even get into the kitchen Because my
wife'sbridge club was preparing lunch!

                  Couldn't even grab a beer because everyone had their head
stuck in my fridge..

                  I decided to go fishing with my buddy,

                  But some girls showed up scaring all the fish away!

                  So I headed home to take a dip in the pool

                  Yep, wife's bridge club was still hanging around..

                  Finally I went to my last refuge,

                  My office, but no privacy there either,

                  My secretary was sleeping on the job!

                  Sh*tty Day Man !!!

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Pet Theology:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

        Be obedient, no matter how much the Master's plan Doesn't make
sense to you.

                      Love your neighbour as yourself. Give to those less
fortunate...

                      Be generous.

                      Take time to rest and enjoy the company of friends.

                      Value, honour and enjoy your family,  No matter how
strange they seem to you. ?

                      Help widows and orphans.

                      Don't watch too much TV.

                      Remember,
                      You were divinely created with a purpose!

                      Others were too,
                      Even if they seem way different from you!

                      So -- Have fun, and enjoy the abundant life.
                      You will not pass this way again!

                      'A friend is someone who reaches for your hand and
touches your heart.'

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Windex tip:

I haven't checked ' snopes.com ' to see if this actually works or not . . .
But they say, If you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked, You
should sniff some Windex first.

It'll keep you from streaking.

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Nearly a 10 - find the tattoo (XXX):
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
+++ Content:

I tried to find a tattoo, but failed on each of 37 attempts. See if you can
do any better!

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Come Quietly........ please:
 Click here

"Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to ask again very nicely?"

Definitely an OH & S issue here people....

Big bugger, aint he?

What you do is:- Don't antagonise him

Get his name and address - and don't antagonise him.

Tell him you'll think about it - and don't antagonise him.

Get in the car, start up, buckle up then tell him, "You're gunna get a
summons shortar*e."

Then peel off and escape.

FIRST making sure traffic is such that Tiny can't catch you and kick the
back door off.

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Confucius -- A little advice for married men:
 Click here

Oh dear......how true? must try to remember this.

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Only a very brave man will forward this:
 Click here

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Where did she put the case of beer:
 Click here
* and you thought David Copperfield was good? She is great !!!!!*

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Golf - Shot of the week:
 Click here

Golf ball hits the water just after he hits it

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NT's New Police Dogs:
 Click here

New Police dogs

FROM THE NORTHERN TERRITORY POLICE CHIEF:

NTPOLICE SERVICE HAS ANNOUNCED THIS MORNING THAT
ALL GERMAN SHEPHERD POLICE DOGS WILL BE REPLACED
BY COON HOUNDS, DUE TO THE FACT THAT THE TERRITORY IS NOT
HAVING ANY PROBLEMS WITH GERMANS.

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Larry Pickering report..... (seems he's not happy!):
 Click here Click here

What a JOY it must be to live in OZ right now......

    Larry Pickering report..... and cartoon

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Men's Behaviour - some great examples
 Click here Click here

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King Billy Goat..needs sound:
 Click here

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Inbred dog:
 Click here

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Literal:
 Click here

I like this one!!

The attached photo is a good reminder to identify the intent of an
instruction and not the strict interpretation of the words.

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[ End friday humour ]

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