Friday humour - June 22, 2012

From Burnout @ Bluehaze, below is an offering from our old mate
'Seasoldier', very apt considering the situation at present.

Then there's 'Whizzbang' who dropped an old classic on us, just before the
decider in State of Origin in the NRL - Go Queensland!

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Five Caribbean Surgeons.

Five Caribbean Surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to
operate on.

The first a Cuban surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating
table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second a Jamaican responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is colour coded."

The third a Barbadian surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the
best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth a Guyanese surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction
workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.

But the fifth a Trinidadian surgeon shut them all up when he observed:

"You' re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head
and the ar*e are interchangeable.

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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  My Dad is Gay...... very touching story

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children
what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up --
fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.

David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him
about his father.

'My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in
front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he'll go out to
the alley with some guy and make love with him for money.'

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some colouring, and took little David aside to ask him,
'Is that really true about your father?'

'No,' said David, 'He plays State of Origin for NSW,  but I was too
embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.'

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From: Allnutts
 Subject: Puttin' on the Ritz ...[ in Moscow! A GREAT SHOW!!!]

This is awesome ...!!! Puttin' on the Ritz ... in Moscow!

What a crazy, delightful ever changing world! Who could have thought that
in 2012 young  people in Moscow would put on a "flash mob" happening,
dancing to an *83 year old* *American song* written by a Russian born
American-Jew (Irving Berlin) whose last name is the capital of
Germany...
 Click here

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From: David from Gymea
Subject: Balance

    God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel,
    found him, resting on the seventh day.He  inquired,  --- "Where have
    you been?"

    God smiled  deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the
    clouds,----  "Look, Michael. Look what I've  made."

    Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and  said,   ---- "What is it?"

    "It's a  planet,"  --- replied God,   --- and I've put  life on it.
    I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to  be a place to test
    'Balance.'"

    "Balance?"  ---   inquired Michael, ---- "I'm still  confused."

    God explained, pointing to different parts  of Earth. "For
    example,northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity  and
    wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over  here I've
    placed a continent of white people, and over there  is a continent
    of black people.
    Balance in all  things..."

    God continued pointing to different  countries.  ---  "This one will
    be extremely hot,  while this one will be very cold and covered in
    ice."

    The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then  pointed to a land
    area and said,   ---  "What's  that one?"

    "That's the  New South Wales   Coast , of Australia   ,  the most
    glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees  and gardens, a
    beautiful river, and days filled with sunshine.  The people from the
    Coast are going to be handsome,  modest,intelligent,  and  humorous,
    and they are going to travel the  world.  They will be extremely
    sociable, hardworking,  high achieving, carriers of peace, and
    producers of good  things."

    Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but  then asked,   ---
    "But what about balance,  God?   You said there would be  'balance.'"

    God smiled,  --- "I will create Canberra ,
    Wait till you see the idiots I'll put  there."...............

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Fw: Fwd: ANY ADDRESS IN THE WORLD

This is amazing but also troubling - is there nothing 'they' can't
observe???
Just type in your street (slowly) and see how quickly a picture of it
appears!
After opening the link below, type in the address you want slowly, letter
by letter, space by space, and watch each time where it takes you.

It found our home in the whole world after 7 strokes of the keys. 

Showmystreet.com

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From: Johnny Green
Subject: 360 Degree View from Mount Everest

Ho hum - easier than walking up there, I guess.

View from Mount Everest!

This full screen panorama was published in connection with the 50 year
anniversary in May 2003, for the first who reached the top of Everest. 50
years ago May 29 1953.

The top of Mount Everest was reached for the first time by Edmund Hillary
and Tenzing Norgay. Since then 1,200-1,500 have climbed to the top. Nobody
knows the exact number. More than 140 climbers died on the way.

On May 24, 1989 the Australian photographer and mountaineer Roderick
Mackenzie reached the summit. He was no. 271 since 1953. He made, as far as
I know,  the only 360 degree panorama from the top.

Roderick Mackenzie made the image at the top of Mount Everest on May 24
1989.

Below , in his own words,are his feelings of the event.

THE VIEW FROM MOUNT EVEREST:

360 DEGREES.

BREATHTAKING !

SPECTACULAR!
 Click here

NB : When you see the panorama, click the icon on the top right corner to
make the image full-screen!

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From: KRP
Subject: Microwave Link Affected By Acorns
 Click here

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Fw: grandma's boyfriend
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked
up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that
Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.
I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh ...
I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the
problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and
there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.
Now, that's funny... I don't care WHO you are

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: How To Start a Fight!!!

    HOW TO START A FIGHT
    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
    a Christmas gift...

    The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

    When she asked me why, I replied,

    "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

    And that's how the fight started.....

    My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
    we were in bed.

    I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have S*x?'

    'No,' she answered. I then said,

    'Is that your final answer?'

    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

    And that's when the fight started...

    I took my wife to a restaurant.

    The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

    "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

    "Nah, she can order for herself."

    And that's when the fight started.....

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
    reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
    drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

    I asked her, "Do you know him?"

    "Yes", she sighed,

    "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
    right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
    hasn't been sober since."

    "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
    celebrating that long?"

    And then the fight started...

    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
    to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
    something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
    making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
    thought of a clever way to make her point.

    When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
    grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
    scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
    the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
    I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
    grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

    My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

    She asked, "What's on TV?"

    I said, "Dust."

    And then the fight started...

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
    anniversary.

    She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
    about 3 seconds."

    I bought her a bathroom scale.

    And then the fight started......

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
    for Social Security.

    The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
    verify my age.

    I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
    home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
    to go home and come back later.

    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

    So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

    She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
    me' and she processed my Social Security application.

    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
    the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
    your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

    And then the fight started...

    My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

    She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

    "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
    to pay me a compliment.'

    I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

    And then the fight started........

    I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

    The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

    He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

    So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

    That's how the fight started.

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Wooden Ball

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he
tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are
wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him
to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest
shave he's had in years.
But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that
little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone
else does."

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Sneezing on the airplane

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section
of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her
nose,
then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds..

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed
again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about
the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more
than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I
couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wipe your nose
and then shudder violently. Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition;
whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious "I have never heard
of that condition before" he said.

"Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: The scotsman

An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones
wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with
even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled
downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the
kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish
wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the
table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon .......
F**k off she said, they're for the funeral.

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: FUNNY

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the
Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think
your stiff upper lips make your above the rest of us.

Look at me...I'm ME. I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian
blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap !!!!!"

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: FW: Women Drivers ......................

Just got back from a holiday in Thailand,
and came that close to shagging a ladyboy.
Looked like a woman, spoke like a woman,
walked like a woman and kissed like a woman.

It was only when she was driving me back to her place and reverse parked
into a narrow parking space with no problem, I thought .
Just a f*^king minute . . .

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From: Sir Edward
Subject: BALANCING ACT

This is an absolutely amazing balancing act.
 Click here

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From: The Great Gussius
 Subject: And they all lived happily ever after... well sort of

My big fat Russian wedding
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Drinking and driving

I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the
authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the
Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something
I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police
road block but as it was a  bus, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I
have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

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From: Allnutts
Subject: WANNA GO SAILING?
 Click here

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Toilettes
JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU'VE SEEN IT ALL.
 Click here

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From: Burnout
Subject: This is how fast your day can change.......
 Click here

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From: Burnout
Subject: How to get rid of a trainer....
 Click here

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From: Burnout
 Subject: Generation Y.....XXX
 Click here

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From: Burnout
Subject: A hole in the ground........
 Click here

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From: Burnout
Subject: Want to Juggle?
 Click here

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From: Burnout
Subject: A Guide to marriage counselling for women
 Click here

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From: Burnout
Subject: A Dingo took my Baby......
 Click here

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: When you got to go you got to go
 Click here

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Fw: Sadly I have to say this is true....so far
 Click here

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Fw: Kill ONLY when you are hungry

This is just beautiful. xxx
   
Photographer  Michel Denis-Huot, who captured these amazing  pictures on
safari in Kenya's Masai Mara  in October last year,  said he was astounded
by what  he saw: 

"These three brothers (cheetahs) have  been living together since they left
their mother at  about 18 months old,' he said. 
'On the morning we  saw them, they seemed not to be hungry, walking 
quickly but stopping sometimes to play  together. 
'At one point, they met a group of impala  who ran away. But one youngster
was not quick  enough and the brothers caught it  easily'." 

These  extraordinary scenes followed. 
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

See... We CAN all get along!!!

and then they just walked away without hurting  him..........

Life is  short... forgive quickly,  love truly, laugh uncontrollably...and 
never regret anything that made you  smile
"Did  you lose a cat?"
This is probably the  most amazing picture of  2012!!!
Click here
                  
"Did you lose a cat?"

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: Plastic Surgery
 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject:  "Perfect Bra"

For some women, it's easy to find bras that fit in styles they like.
But many others aren't so lucky, spending endless time and money in search
of that elusive perfect style and fit.

The underwire bra is designed to provide additional lift.
 Click here

Underwire can be found in many different styles of bras.

Some women swear by their underwire and others find them very
uncomfortable.

One way to determine if this is a style of bra that will work for you is to
give it a try.

Underwire Bra - from Paris
 Click here

Underwire Bra - from New York
 Click here

Underwire Bra - from London
 Click here

And........The original underwire bra, proudly South African
 Click here

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: for a Sore Throat
 Click here

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From: Terrible Tez
Subject: History of the world in one photograph.  (XXX - ED)

The history of the entire world (from the beginning of mankind) illustrated
beautifully in just one photo.
 Click here

      Yep, that about says it all!!

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From: The Great Gussius
Subject: Message from a mate in Gaol: (XXX - ED)

Please don't drink and drive

I REALLY need a new cellmate

Love

BUBBA
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Class IV hitch install, (patent pending..)

Wouldn't you love to see how the trip went...?  Good chance he ended up
doin' some unintended off roadin' somewhere.
 Click here

Check the 'hills' in the background.

Howja like to meet this rig on a two-lane road....coming down the mountain
in your direction....power steering works real good now.
 Click here

She's hitched up and ready to roll!!

Amazin' how the extra weight smoothes out the ride.
Needed to air up the rear tires a bit ('bout 160 psi).
 Click here

Added some super heavy-duty chain for extra support on the tailgate, (note
the 'Heavy-Duty 'S' hooks to attach the chain)

Also paid-up for some BIG Number 5/16 sheet metal screws to attach the
Reese hitch frame to the tailgate (see 'em there?  one on each side...)

Likely two more through the carpet into the floor pan inside....

Yep, probably overkill, but didn't want the possibility of having an
axerdent.

Most of the time was spent on the front porch whittling down that MASSIVE
solid pine 4x4  to fit precisely down into the hole in the ball mount
receiver.

Note also - The 14'x14' piece of 3/8' plywood on the underside of the
tailgate to distribute the load more evenly and beef up that tailgate
support.

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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  Two sides of life
 Click here

A BLOKE SAT IN HIS ARMCHAIR & SHOUTS TO HIS WIFE,
"WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU LOVE!"
SHE SHOUTS BACK "YOU ALREADY DO YOU LAZY BASTARD!! "

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: HANGING OUT WITH FRIENDS???

Grab a cup of coffee
 Click here

Dine out at your favourite restaurant
 Click here

Spend some time at the museum
 Click here

Meet at a popular diner
 Click here

Relax at the beach
 Click here

Go to a game
 Click here

Going out on a date
 Click here

Take a drive around town
 Click here

Thank God I belong to another generation!!!!

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: "Getting home late"

Got home late last night and wife left a message in the kitchen
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Saw Stop
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: My Rezumay

My  Rezumay

Deer  Sur,
I waunt to apply for the secritary job I seen in the paper. I can  type
real kwik wit one finggar and do sum Acounting 2.

I think I am good on the fone and I am a pepole person. Pepole realy seam
to respond good to me. Im lookin for a jobb as a  secritary but it kant be
2 complikaited.

My spelling is not 2 good but find that I awfin get a job B  cuz of my
persinalety.. My sal erery is open so we can discus wat  you want to pay me
and wat you think that I am wurth, I can start  imeditely.  Thank you in
advanse 4 yore anser.
Hopifuly  I M Yore best aplicant so phar.
Sinseerly,
Peggy May McBiggins
PS :  I half includeded a pickture of me B low.
 Click here

Dear
Peggy May:
Start on Monday. We have spell check.

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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  Redneck Trap Shooting
 Click here

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From: anonymous
Subject: Cats are so dramatic!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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Quote of the Week:

“The way to develop decisiveness is to start right where you are, with the
very next question you face.”

Napoleon Hill.

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[ End friday humour ]

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