Friday humour - June 08, 2012

From Gussius@ Bluehaze

This week, the world watched a star-studded concert to mark Queen
Elizabeth’s diamond jubilee while Prince Philip, as they say in Australia,
pulled a sickie.

GenY’s, so used to instant gratification, were twittering and flickring
away on smart phones, no doubt bemoaning the fact that they had to wait WTF
60 years for this event.

You have to love the Poms doing such a great job with Royalty inspired pomp
and ceremony. So much Jubilee trooping of colours, flotillas on rivers and
A-listers scrambling over one another for attention. Few realise how much
work has been involved to entertain the peasants for a few days.
And of course to keep our minds from sweating the small stuff – like our
stock market investments.

Contributions this week are from Allnutts, Diks, Seasoldier, the Great
Gussius, Anatinus,
Anonymous3, Arfermo, Burnout, Duke of Barsinov, Mausie Down Under, Mitta
and the ever present anonymous.

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SCAM - Important info to read & be aware:

Hotel/Motel Scam (This one is so simple it is shocking)

I'll bet this works all too often.

You arrive at your hotel and check in at the front desk. When checking in,
you give the front desk your credit card (for all the charges for your
room). You get to your room and settle in.

Someone (possibly a stranger from outside) calls the Hotel front desk and
ask for a random Room number(example Room 620). This coincidentally could
be your room. Almost immediately or soon after phone rings in your room.
You answer and the person on the other end (Stranger not hotel employee)
says the following, "This is the front desk. When checking in, we came
cross a problem with your charge card information. Please re-read me your
credit card number and verify the last 3 digits numbers at the reverse side
of your charge card". Since you think the call came from the front desk,
Not thinking too much you might give this person your information (DO NOT
GIVE THIS
INFO via phone). But actually, it is a scam of someone (a scammer) calling
from outside the hotel/front desk. They ask for a random room number. Then,
ask you for credit card information and address information. Sounding so
professional that you do think you are talking to the front desk. PLEASE DO
NOT GET CAUGHT TOO!

If you ever encounter this problem on your vacation or any travel, tell the
caller that you will be down at the front desk to clear up any
problems...Then, go to the front desk and ask if there was a problem. If
there was none, inform the manager of the hotel that someone called to scam
you of your credit card information acting like a front desk employee.

This email was prepared & sent by someone who has been duped by this SCAM
very recently ........

P.S. Please everyone, help spread the word by forwarding this email to
everyone you know. Who knows, you might just help someone avoid a nasty
experience.

ANYONE traveling and plan to stay in a hotel or motel should be aware of
this SCAM!

Don't tell the scammer anything, just say, I'll be right down to the desk
to clear it up.

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The organist:

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist,
and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she
played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation
considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be
done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly about the problem, and
told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and
over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her
not to taste any the green persimmons,
because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won't
be able to talk properly for awhile.
*

The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and
said....Dew to thirc*msthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a
thermon tewday.

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A Must have iPad app:

AND YOU DON'T WANT AN I PAD.....

  Can your I Pad do this?

  A "must have" iPad app (for those who enjoy beer)...........I might have
to consider an I pad

   Click here

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What Goes On in the Garden When You Aren't Watching:

Amazing photography!

   Click here

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Panties on a Plane:

       Three  large black ladies were getting ready to take a plane trip 
for
      The  very first time.

       The  first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna put 
me
      On  sum hot pink panties beefo' I gets on dat  plane.'

       Why  you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two  asked.

       The  first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out  dare
      Laying  butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me  first.'

       The  second lady said, 'Well, then I'm a-gonna wear me some
      Floe  resant orange panties.'

       'Why  you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.

       The  second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is goin'  down
      And  I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me  first.'

       The  third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any  panties...’

       ‘What?  No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.

       The  third lady says, 'Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me  right.
      I  ain't wearing no panties cos, honey, I hears dey always look  for
      da  black box first'.

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Mrs. Brown's Misunderstanding:
 Click here

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A Pervert's call goes awry:

  The phone rings, and a wife answers.

A pervert, with heavy breathing, says,
"I bet you have a tight as*hole with no hair."

Woman replies, "Yes,
    he's watching TV;  whom shall I say is calling?"

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 The first "blonde guy" joke:

The very first ever Blonde Guy joke...... And well worth the wait !!!!

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the
Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage
one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and Exclaimed,' Burritos again! If I get
burritos one more time
I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said,  'Bologna again! If I get a bologna
sandwich one more time,
I'm jumping too.'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

 The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death
as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known
how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have
given it to him again.

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
'Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch.'

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Confession:

A new priest, born and raised in Ottawa , is nervous about hearing
confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him
to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, rub your chin
with one hand and try saying things like 'Yes, I see,' or 'Yes, go on,' or
'I understand.'

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats
all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than
slapping your knee and saying,
"No sh*t... what happened next?"

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S*x and Exercise:

  They say that during s*x you burn off as many calories as you do running
8 miles.

  Who the hell runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?

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Soldier's Deck of Cards:

WATCH THIS TO THE END !!

Don't know if you have seen this before...
 Click here

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News From Miami:

  The United States Navy intercepted three boatloads of people off the
coast of Miami today. This placed the Navy in an awkward position, as the
boats were not heading to, but away from Miami towards Cuba .
  Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with Americans who
were all seniors of pension age. Their claim was that they were trying to
get to Cuba so as to be able to return to the US as illegal immigrants and
therefore be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as
legitimate US pensioners. The Navy, it is believed, gave them food, water
and fuel and assisted them on their journey.
  We are booking the next boat out; let me know if you want to come.

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100 year old ... twin sisters:

  Twin sisters in a Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.
  The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over
  there and take   pictures of the two 100 year old twins.
  One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.
  Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.
  The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
  "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.
  "Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
  Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
  "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each
other.
  "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the
  photographer.
  Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
  "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
  With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"

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Paddy & Mick:

          Paddy and Mick get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

          They bag six.

          As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip,
the pilot says, "The plane can only take four of those."

          The two lads object strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the
pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."

          Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded.

          However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the
load and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere.

          A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks
Mick,

          "Any idea where we are?"

          "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year," says
Mick.

          =====================

          Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police
station.

          Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"

          Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two"!

          =====================

          Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"

          Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

          =====================

          Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're
having s*x with your wife.
          The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.

          "Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at
home yesterday"!

          =====================

          Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in
front of a
          tractor.

          Mick says, "Oh no, Paddy, what ya doing?"

          Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the
bedroom lately
          & the therapist recommended I do something s*xy to attracter....

          =====================

          The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
          They imported 50 million tons of sand from the Arabs and they're
going to
          drill for their own oil.

          =====================

          Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm
going to do
          it a bit different.

          3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.

          2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.

          Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant.

          Mick asks - So, what are you going to do different this year?

          Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me.

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This girl is Australian:
 
THIS WILL DEFINITELY BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY AND GIVE YOU A GOOD LAUGH.....  

This is brilliant. The audience seems to be American.
 
This girl is  Australian,
 Click here

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How I like to spend a day at the beach:
 Click here

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I agree as you get older get your priorities right:
 Click here

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Hopefully he will run for Parliament:
 Click here

He appears to have what most current politicians lack!

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Richard's Coffee Shop - Mooresville, NC:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Semper Fi and always keep your powder dry and don't forget to look up.

I was privileged to witness something beautiful yesterday.

I don’t know all the people who made it happen, there were many.

I do know all who showed up for the dedication were blessed.

Mooresville, NC.  Small town USA at it’s best.

Let’s go inside for a few moments.

How does “smoke” get in your eyes when no one is smoking?

Many vets have been to that wall and cried with their hand in that same
position.

You don’t have to drive thousands of miles to say thank you and get a
glimpse of what our Veterans have done for us.

These guys didn’t receive these decorations for “showing up.”

And whose dream was this?

Mr. Robert Warren
Chopper Pilot in Nam .

Died three years ago from complications of Agent Orange.

He made it his mission to Welcome all Veterans.

First welcome some from Vietnam had ever received.

They came today to honor this man and his dream.
(I don’t have to list names because I’m not a real reporter)

Just a thankful citizen.  And I am thankful.

They remember.  (how could they ever forget)
This was a very special day for them and us.

The memories can be painful.

All of their rides tell a story.   (look at the tag)

Some paid a higher price than others.
We can learn a lot from these men.

Like, respect for our Flag and National Anthem.
But more than that.  A love for God and Country that can’t be hidden.
It shines through in their lives and their service to others.

That example was not lost on the Mooresville HS ROTC Color Guard.

The passing of the Guard.

I don’t know these guys, but I owe them, and I love them.

Lots of “smoke in the room.”

Thank you Veterans.

Small town USA . . . .   I think not.

On a side note . . .
Some of you have aged a lot more gracefully than others . . .
Oh, and my favorite ride . . .

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Plastic surgery:
 Click here

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Order your Pizza... American style:
 Click here

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A guy walks into a bar:
 Click here

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Beat Goes On.....ROFLMAO:
 Click here

I was in Starbuck`s recently when I suddenly realized I desperately needed
to fart. The music was really loud so I timed my fart with the beat of the
music. After a couple of songs I started to feel better.I finished my
coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.
And suddenly I remembered I was listening to my iPod. so how is your day
going?

That's what happens when old people start using technology!

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The day the Navy learned it could fly from ships:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  Some great photos  !

 One hundred years is a very long time. Yet in the hierarchy of modern
marvels, the ability to recover and launch aircraft from the deck of a
moving ship stands out as one of our signature accomplishments. Which just
goes to show you:

Some tricks never grow old.

Naval aviation was invented one hundred years ago, on January 18, 1911,
when a 24 year-old barnstormer pilot named Eugene B. Ely completed the
world's first successful landing on a ship. It happened in San Francisco
Bay, aboard the cruiser USS Pennsylvania,
which had a temporary 133-foot wooden landing strip built above her
afterdeck and gun turret as part of the experiment.

Ely accomplished his feat just eight years after the Wright Brothers made
their first flight at Kitty Hawk. His aircraft was rudimentary: a Curtiss
Model D "Pusher" biplane,
equipped with a 60 hp V-8 engine that gave the aircraft a 50 mph airspeed.
To get a sense of how simple it was, behold a contemporary replica of Ely's
1911 Curtiss Pusher that was built to celebrate this 100th anniversary:

But back then, innovation was afoot. Ely's Curtis Pusher had been fitted
with a clever new invention called a tailhook. The idea was to quickly halt
the aircraft after landing by using the tailhook to catch one or two of 22
rope lines. Each propped up a foot above the deck and weighted by 50-pound
sandbags tied to each end -- Strung three feet apart along the Pennsylvania
's temporary flight deck. Mark J. Denger of the California Center for
Military History has written a tidy biography of
Eugene Ely which narrates the historic day: On the morning of January 18,
1911, Eugene
Ely, in a Curtiss pusher biplane specially equipped with arresting hooks on
its axle,
took off from Selfridge Field (Tanforan Racetrack, in San Bruno, Calif.)
and headed for the San
Francisco Bay. After about 10 minutes flying North toward Goat Island (now
Yerba Buena), Eugene spotted his target through the gray haze the
PENNSYLVANIA.

Ely's plane was first sighted one-half mile from the PENNSYLVANIA's bridge
at an altitude of 1,500 feet, cruising at a speed of approximately 60 mph.
Now ten miles out from Tanforan, he circled the several vessels of the
Pacific Fleet at anchor in
San Francisco Bay. The aeroplane dipped to 400 feet as it passed directly
over the
MARYLAND and, still dropping , flew over the WEST VIRGINIA 's bow at an
height of only 100 feet. With a crosswind of almost 15 knots, he flew past
the cruiser and then banked some 500 yards from the PENNSYLVANIA 's
starboard quarter to set up his land ing approach. Ely now headed straight
for the ship, cutting his engine when he was only 75 feet from the fantail,
and allowed the wind to glide the aircraft onto the landing deck. At a
speed of 40 mph Ely landed on the center line of the
Pennsylvania's deck at 11:01 a.m.

The forward momentum of his plane was quickly retarded by the ropes
stretched between the large movable Of sand that had been placed along the
entire length of the runway. As the plane landed, the hooks on the
undercarriage caught the ropes exactly as planned, which brought the plane
to a complete stop. Once on board the
PENNSYLVANIA, sheer pandemonium brook loose as Ely was greeted with a
bombardment of
Cheers, boat horns and whistles, both aboard the PENNSYLVANIA and from the
surrounding vessels.
Ely was immediately greeted by his wife, Mabel, who greeted him with an
enthusiastic "I knew you could do it," and then by Captain Pond, Commanding
Officer of the PENNSYLVANIA. Then it was time for interviews and a few
photographs for the reporters. Everything had gone exactly as planned. Pond
called it "the most important landing of a bird since the dove flew back to
Noah's ark." Pond would later report, "Nothing damaged, and not a bolt or
brace startled, and Ely the coolest man on board."
(NOTE: Safety first! Check out Ely's inner-tube life preserver!)

After completing several interviews, Ely was escorted to the Captain's
cabin where he and his wife were the honored guests at an officers lunch.
While they dined, the landing platform was cleared and the plane turned
around in preparation for takeoff. Then the Ely's, Pond and the others
posed for photographs. 57 minutes later, he made a perfect take-off from
the platform, returning to Selfridge Field at the Tanforan racetrack where
another tremendous ovation awaited him.

Both the landing and take off were witnessed by several distinguished
members of both U.S. Army and Navy, as well as state military officials.
Ely had successfully demonstrated the possibility of the aircraft carrier.

Indeed. The US Navy's first aircraft carrier, the USS Langley, was
commissioned in 1922, eleven years later. But Ely didn't live to witness
the milestone; he died just a few months after his historic flight, on
October 11, 1911, when he was thrown from his aircraft during a crash at an
air show. But 100 years ago, he merged the power of naval warships and
aviation in ways that remain cutting-edge, even today.

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Finally a truly well dressed Wal-Mart Shopper:
 Click here

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Computer Addiction:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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What a Pet Day:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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Same s*x marriage:
 Click here

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'Dear Lord':
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

I Wish
Dear Lord!
I know that I haven't talked to you that much recently,

But just lately you have taken
Away my favourite actor, Patrick Swayze,
My favourite actress, Farah Fawcett,
And my favourite musician, Michael Jackson.

I just wanted to let you know that my favourite
Prime Minister is Julia Gillard...

Amen !!

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S*X ED 101:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Named:
 Click here

       Doesn't matter who you are, this is funny!

      She named him D*ck!

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The Pharmacy:
 Click here

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Totally fake nails:
 Click here
...and I know fake when I see them!

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Dictator:
 Click here

      With the world the way it is today....
      Would you know a Dictator if you saw one?
      Could you really tell ???
      Well this should help!!!

      This is what a dictator looks like...

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GUESS THIS AIR LINE:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  BELIEVE IT OR NOT -

  ITS OLIVEA -
  Road Travel Redefined !
  IN INDIA !!!!!!!

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Mum's Warnings of Danger: xxx

        If your mum was anything like mine, she had several catch phrases
that she used when we were kids to warn us of impending danger. I can just
hear my mum now...
        "Don't play with those things! You could poke somebody's eye out !"
 Click here

        Mum was probably right.

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Two New Sports Being Considered for the Olympics: xxx
 Click here Click here

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 $10,000 telephone call:

                                A photographer on vacation was inside a
church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the
wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.

                                The American, being intrigued, asked a
priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

                                The priest replied that it was a direct
line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American
thanked the priest and went along his way.

                                Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very
large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under
it.  He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando
and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he
could talk to God. 'O.K.,
thank you,' said the American.

He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington, Philadelphia, Boston, and New
York.

 In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$10,000
per call' sign under it.

  The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel up to Canada to see
if Canadians had the same phone.

He arrived in Canada, and again, in the first church he entered, there was
the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 cents
per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.  'Father,
I've traveled all over
America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told
that it is a direct line to heaven, but in the US the price was$10,000 per
call.  Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Canada now, son ... it's a local
call.'

          KEEP SMILING
If you are proud to be a Canadian pass this on!

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Still Driving:
 Click here

        It Is Time!  How do you know when it is time to "hang up the car
keys"?

        I say when your dog has this look on his face!  A picture is worth
a thousand words!

        I bet you will send this one on. It made me smile too!

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ASTHMA - gooooooooooooooood:
 Click here

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Password change:
 Click here

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Australian road signs:
 Click here
Good idea, we are all on one planet.
 Click here
For all you creeps out there, take note.

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Nessie has migrated to South Australia:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The blonde antelope:
 Click here

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do you want to go for a WALK?:
 Click here

The story behind this is:

Every day - at the same time - she waits for him...He comes... And they go
for a walk
Wouldn't it be great if we all had friends like this...no words needed...
They just intuitively recognize the value of each other in their lives and
act accordingly.

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Brush up:

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As
you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the
authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the
Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something
I've never done before: I took a bus home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it
past.
I arrived home safely without incident which was a real surprise, as I have
never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

My New Theme Song:

LOVE IT - CAN RELATE!!!! - UNFORTUNATELY!!!!!
 GO ON TELL ME YOU CAN'T RELATE TO THIS?

ESPECIALLY FOR MY OLD BUDDYS OUT THERE HA HA HA!!!

 My New Theme Song..............make sure the sound is on.
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

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[ End friday humour ]

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