Friday humour - May 25, 2012

From Burnout @ Bluehaze.
Pretty quiet in the contributions area this week, no doubt State of Origin
taking its toll, all this travel down to Melbourne to watch the game.....

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Thoughts to ponder

Ten Thoughts to Ponder
Number 10
Life is s*xually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions :Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an
erection, make him a sandwich .

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the
Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still
can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying
of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut
saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your
ass tomorrow.

- - - and as someone recently said to me :
"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."

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From: Arfermo
Subject: Notable insults

POLITICAL INSULTS

"He has been going around the country deliberately stirring up apathy"

William Whitelaw on Harold Wilson

"When they circ*mcised Herbert Samuel, they threw away the wrong bit"

David Lloyd George on the Liberal home secretary

"Tell him I can only deal with one sh-- at a time"

Winston Churchill on being disturbed in his toilet by a call from the Lord
Privy Seal

"His smile is like the silver fittings on a coffin"

Benjamin Disraeli on Robert Peel

PERSONAL INSULTS

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends"

Oscar Wilde

"It is a typical triumph of modern science to find the only bit of Randolph
which is not malignant, and remove it"

Evelyn Waugh, upon hearing that Randolph Churchill had been operated on for
a benign tumour

"Her trouble is that she lacks the power of conversation, but not the power
of speech"

George Bernard Shaw

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp posts - for support rather
than illumination"

Andrew Lang

ROYAL INSULTS

"They have sent me a Flanders mare!"

King Henry VIII on Anne of Cleves

"A huge fur ball on two overdeveloped legs"

Nancy Mitford on Princess Margaret

"He's a world expert on leisure. He's been practising it all his life"

Neil Kinnock on the Duke of Edinburgh

"Such an active lass. She loves nature in spite of what it did to her"

Bette Midler on Princess Anne

FILM STAR INSULTS

"After Braveheart, they said he'd never make a true Scotsman, but look at
him now - alcoholic and racist"

Frankie Boyle on Mel Gibson

"Elizabeth Taylor's so fat, she puts mayonnaise on her aspirins"

Joan Rivers

"A face to launch a thousand dredgers"

Jack de Manio on Glenda Jackson

"His acting is so bad, even his impersonation of a drunk is unconvincing"

Critic Harry Medved on Dean Martin

"Just because she's dead doesn't mean she's gonna change"

Bette Davis on Joan Crawford

LITERARY INSULTS

"Curse the blasted, jelly-boned swines, the slimy, belly-wriggling
invertebrates, the miserable, sodding rotters, the flaming sods, the
snivelling, dribbling, dithering, palsied, pulse-less lot that make up
England today. God, how I hate them"

DH Lawrence after having his manuscript of 'Sons and Lovers' rejected

"That's not writing, it's typing"

Truman Capote on Jack Kerouac

"Literary awards are like haemorrhoids. Sooner or later, every ----hole
gets one"

Frederic Raphael

"He chews more than he bites off"

Clover Adams on Henry James

"So boring, you fall asleep halfway through her name"

Alan Bennett on Arianna Stassinopoulos (now Huffington)

"I have tried to read Shakespeare, and I found it so intolerably dull that
it nauseated me"

Charles Darwin

SHAKESPEAREAN INSULTS

"[You are a] knave; a rascal; an eater of broken meats; a base, proud,
shallow, beggarly, three-suited, hundred-pound, filthy, worsted-stocking
knave; a lily-livered, action-taking knave, a whoreson, glass-gazing,
super-serviceable finical rogue; one-trunk-inheriting slave; one that
wouldst be a bawd, in way of good service, and art nothing but the
composition of a knave, beggar, coward, pandar, and the son and heir of a
mongrel bitch"

Kent in 'King Lear'

"I would not marry her, though she were endowed with all that Adam had left
him before he transgressed"

Bened*ck in 'Much Ado About Nothing'

"She hath more hair than wit, and more faults than hairs, and more wealth
than faults"

Speed in 'The Two Gentlemen of Verona'

MEN v WOMEN INSULTS

"In my experience, men are creatures with two legs and eight arms"

Jayne Mansfield

"I married beneath me. All women do"

Lady Astor

"Biologically speaking, you are more likely to be attacked by the female of
the species"

Desmond Morris

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily"

Count Talleyrand

"Women should be obscene and not heard"

Groucho Marx

"Being a woman is a terribly difficult business, as it consists principally
of dealing with men"

Joseph Conrad

"The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge
signed the divorce papers"

Woody Allen

"Sir, you are drunk."

"Indeed, madam, and you are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning"

Winston Churchill to Bessie Braddock

SPORTING INSULTS

"I don't think heading the ball has got anything to do with it. Footballers
are stupid enough anyway"

A Football Association spokesman refuting a claim that heading the ball
could cause brain damage

"Most people are using two-piece cues now, but Alex Higgins doesn't have
one because they don't come with instructions"

Steve Davis

"He can't kick with his left foot, he can't head, he can't tackle, and he
doesn't score many goals. Apart from that, he's all right"

George Best

on David Beckham

"The only time he opens his mouth is to change feet"

Irish golfer David Feherty on Nick Faldo

"What problems do you have, apart from being blind, unemployed and a
moron?"

John McEnroe to a Wimbledon spectator

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From: Diks
Subject: NEXT TIME YOU USE YOUR HANDICAPPED STICKER

I had to run to the local grocery store. As I approached the entrance,

I noticed a driver looking for a parking space. I flagged the driver and
pointed out a parking space in the handicap area.

The driver looked puzzled. ''I'm not handicapped'' she said.

Well, was my face red. ''Oh, sorry about that, I saw your Obama Sticker and
just presumed ...''

She gave me the finger and called me some nasty names.

Sheesh!   Some people....

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From: Diks
Subject: Obamacare OR Obamadon'tcare.............

The AMA....on Obama Care

The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama's new health care
package.

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it,
But the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a
misconception, **The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
The Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists
could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists
claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face
on the matter". The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward,

But the Urologists were p*ssed off at the whole idea.

Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to
the as*holes in Washington .

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: logging on - I want one of those hollowed out trucks big time

How tough were these guys?

When the Northwest logging industry was still young...

Just look at the length of the hand saw they needed...

...and look at the size of the heavy duty axes...

The work required very strong and courageous men...

After a tree was felled the real work began - a week or more to cut it
up...

Manoeuvring the logs down the mountain to the train was a complex job...

Some of the logs were larger than the train engine...

A hollowed out log became the company's mobile office...

Hollowed out logs were also used to house and feed the crews...

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Real Man Cave = RIP April 2012 Mr. D*ck Clark

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

A Real Man Cave

An iconic celebrity needs an equally impressive home, and that is exactly
what television legend D*ck Clark has had.
The 82-year-old's Malibu retreat home is for sale.  The house looks just
like the Flintstones' home in the famous cartoon.
Sitting on top of a very steep hill, the specially designed home is on the
market for $3.5 million but it's appearance from the outside is not the
biggest selling point it has to offer.

The unusual architectural retreat has huge glass windows in every room
which give amazing views of the nearby Pacific Ocean, Channel Islands,
Boney
Mountains and Serrano Valley.

 Click here

Although the property only has one bedroom, it boasts two bathrooms and
looks like a cavern throughout the whole house.

 Click here Click here

The cave like structure and high ceilings add to the Flintstones feel as
does the log burning fire place and it's wine cellar.

 Click here

Set in a 23-acre estate the luxury and extrovert home is an architectural
marvel and is classed as one of Malibu landmark buildings.

 Click here

The listing agent describes it as "art as architecture at it's finest."'
They said it is "Truly exceptional and one-of-a-kind from within and
without. The architecture of this home seamlessly marries form and
function.
The interior space is extremely voluminous and features an expanse of glass
to capture the views from every room of this home."'

 Click here

The owners of the property, Kari and D*ck, are well known in America for
their youthful appearance and D*ck's impressive career.

 Click here

The televison and radio legend is best known for hosting long-running TV
shows such as
American Bandstand, the game show Pyramid, and D*ck Clark's New Year's
Rockin Eve.

 Click here

He is also known for his departing catchphrase, "For now, D*ck Clark, so
long," which he says while doing a military salute.
Clark suffered a stroke in 2004 but returned to host his New Year's Rockin
Eve show on
December 31, 2005 with a shaky performance and slightly slurred speech.

 Click here

In 1973, he created the American Music Awards show, which he still produces
every year.

 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Life in Wyoming

 Click here

Seen on a ranch south of Buffalo, WY!

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From: Burnout
Subject: The Mean Streets of Canberra

 Click here

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From: Diks
Subject: Office Environment from a different view

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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From: Diks
Subject: Beer

 Click here

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From: The Great Gussius
Subject: T-28A @ Toowoomba (May 16?)

 Click here

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From: anonymous
Subject: 1st Annual Walmart Car Show

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: anonymous
Subject: First swimming lesson

 Click here

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From: anonymous
Subject: FW: THE GREEN THING

Checking out at Woolworths (this would not happen at IGA!), the young
cashier suggested to the older woman that she should bring her own grocery
bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologised and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back
in my earlier days."

The assistant responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not
care enough to save our environment for future generations."
She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soft drink bottles and beer bottles to
the shop. The shop sent them back to the plant to be washed, sterilised and
refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over.  So they really
were recycled.  But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs because we didn't have a lift or escalator in every
store and office building.  We walked to the grocers and didn't climb into
a 200-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.  But she was
right.  We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's nappies because we didn't have the
throw-away kind.  We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling
machine burning up 2000 watts -- wind and solar power really did dry our
clothes back then.  Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or
sisters, not always brand-new clothing.  But that young lady is right.  We
didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV or radio in the house - not a TV in every room.
And the TV had a  small screen the size of a handkerchief not a screen the
size of the MCG.  In the kitchen,  we blended and stirred by hand because
we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us.  When we packaged
a fragile item to  send in the post, we used wadded up Sun newspapers to
cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic  bubble wrap.   Back then, we didn't
fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn.  We used a push
mower that ran on human power.  We exercised by working so we didn't need
to go to a gym to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.  But she's
right.  We didn't have the green thing back then.

When we were thirsty we drank from a tap instead of drinking from a plastic
bottle of water shipped from the other side of the world.  We refilled
writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the
blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor when the blade
got dull.  But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the bus and kids rode their bikes to school or
walked instead of turning their mums into a 24-hour taxi service.  We had
one electrical socket in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a
dozen appliances.  And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a
signal beamed from satellites 2,000 kilometers out in space in order to
find the nearest fish and chip shop. But we didn't have the green thing
back then.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks
were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish, grumpy old git who needs a
lesson in conservation from a smartar*e young  person.

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject:  farmer bill

A farmer named Bill was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture
in Scotland when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a
cloud of dust..
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses
and
YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly
how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bill looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it
to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area
in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports
it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has
been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database
through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry
and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have
exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bill.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with
amusement as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.
Then Bill says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your
business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Bill.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of
equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't
know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for
that matter. This is a herd of sheep...
Now give me back my dog."

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Quote of the week:

"True wisdom comes to each of us when we realize how little we understand
about life, ourselves, & the world around us."

- Socrates

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[ End friday humour ]

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