Friday humour - May 18, 2012

Tony Abbott receiving legal aid (pro bono) for a defamation case (The Age
17/5/2012 p6)? I wonder why ...

This week's offerings arrive courtesy of Arfermo, Allnutts, Diks, Mitta,
Nottingham Smithie, Sack, The Great Gussius, and the depleted anonymi
(actually only one anonymous this week).

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A man in rural Minnesota wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages, and sure enough, there's an ad for "Up
North Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll
be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a
baseball bat, a 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean old pit bulldog.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up
there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the
bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and
not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the
cage in the back of the van."

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks
the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

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Thought for the day ...

The Secret Service scandal was discovered when a disagreement on how much a
prostitute wanted for her services came to light.

She wanted $800.00.

The Secret Service Agent offered $30.00.

How ironic is it that the only person in Washington willing to cut spending
gets fired?

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And you think your dog is special ...
 Click here

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BANANAS & MILK DUDS

Below is an article written by Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated. He
details his experiences when given the opportunity to fly in a
F-14 Tomcat.

Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of this country's
most powerful fighter jets. If you get this opportunity,
let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity...

Change your name.

Fake your own death!

Whatever you do.

Do Not Go!!!

I know.

The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was
toast! I should have known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff)
King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach
.

Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like,
triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair,
finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic
alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way,
Fast.

Biff was to fly me in an F- 14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million
weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight. I was worried about getting
airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something
I should eat the next morning.

'Bananas,' he said.

'For the potassium?' I asked.

'No,' Biff said, 'because they taste about the same coming up as they do
going down.'

The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name
sewn over the left breast.

(No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot. But, still, very cool.)
I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed.

A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me
into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would
'egress' me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately
knocked unconscious.

Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over
me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing
nose up at 600 mph. We levelled out and then canopy-rolled over another
F-14.

Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted
80. It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags
Over Hell. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, snap rolls, loops,
yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical
velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased
us.

We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200
feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5, which is
to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me.

And I egressed the bananas.

And I egressed the pizza from the night before.

And the lunch before that.

I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade.

I went through not one airsick bag, but two.

Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we
were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and
the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of
consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down.

I used to know 'cool'. But now I really know 'cool'. Cool is guys like
Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves.

A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and
the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd send it on a patch
for my flight suit.

"What is it??" I asked.

'Two Bags.'

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Which side of your brain is being used ???

You will enjoy this if you are using the right side of your brain. I think
this is very good.
Stare at this picture carefully and you will see this man turn his face.
 Click here

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Antipodean stuff
 Click here Click here

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Morning Cartoons
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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Can you see a pattern forming here?

Carmen Mary Lawrence
 Click here
(Labor West Australian Premier, February 1990 to February 1993)
Made history by being the first woman to hold the position, which she held
for three years prior to a landslide election defeat.

Joan Elizabeth Kirner
 Click here
(Labor Victorian Premier, August 1990 to October 1992)
Made history by being the first woman to hold the position, which she held
for two years prior to a landslide election defeat.

Kristina Kerscher Keneally
 Click here
(Labor New South Wales Premier, December 2009 to March 2011)
Made history by being the first woman to hold the position, which she held
for a year a and a half prior to a landslide election defeat.

Anna Maria Bligh
 Click here
(Labor Queensland Premier, September 2007 to March 2012)
Made history by being the first woman to hold the position, which she held
for four and a half years prior to a landslide election defeat.

Julia Eileen Gillard
 Click here
(Labor Prime Minister, June 2010 to not sure)
Made history by being the first woman to hold the position. Apparently
heading for a truly historic landslide election defeat.

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Good News From The Kitchen.

This woman is 51 yrs old.
 Click here
She is TV health guru Gillian McKeith, advocating a holistic approach to
nutrition and health, and promoting exercise, a vegetarian diet which is
high in organic fruits and vegetables. She recommends detox diets, colonic
irrigation, and supplements.

This woman is also 51.
 Click here
She is Nigella Lawson, a TV cook, who eats meat, butter, chocolate and
desserts ... and, she washes it all down with wine!

I REST MY CASE.

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Ice balls and snow rollers
 Click here

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The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets.

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us
every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is
difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and
who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even
when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable
you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you
as I do, in spite of yourselves.'

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was
a good animal and God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his
tail.

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom
and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love
for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name,
and you will call him DOG.'

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said,
'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen
like peac*cks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed
taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and
who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their
limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of
adoration.'

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes,
they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat ... didn't give a sh*t one way or the other.

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Murphy's Law on Queuing.
 Click here

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Mother's Day reminder (for next year)
 Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!



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