Friday humour - May 11, 2012

From Gussius @ Bluehaze.

A centennial trivia note for 2012:

The White Star Line (of ‘Titanic’ fame) held a number of dubious maritime
records. In 1854, the maiden voyage of the fully rigged ‘Tayleur’ was lost
at sea off the Irish coast near Dublin with the record loss of life (at
that time) of 420 – two thirds of the ship’s complement.

On All Fool’s Day 1912, a fire broke out in No 10 bunker of the brand
spanking new Titanic. By the time she set sail on 10 April, the fire still
had not been put out, however Captain E.J. Smith allowed tons of extra coal
to be added to the still burning No 10 bunker. The crew on lookout
discovered they had no binoculars, numerous ice warnings had been received
and when she struck that iceberg a glancing blow on 14 April, hardly anyone
on board noticed.

Hardly anyone noticed… ever, even with a new record for the height of
stupidity resting on the bottom of the Atlantic. But that was well before
safety was invented.

Contributors this week include Anonymous3, Arfermo, Diks, Nottingham
Smithie, Sack, Sir Edward,
Arfermo, Biggus, Burnout, Diks, Duke of Barsinov, Sack, The Great Gussius
and the ever faithful anonymous.

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Men in Heaven

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared
and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were
true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were
dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to
St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long,
and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household,
there was only one man.

God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I
created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and
have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed.
Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this
line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Spectacular Panoramas and 3D Tours:

Enjoy Panoramic Views

...click on any one place and enjoy.. .... what a wonderful way to tour the
world from your computer chair!
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Titbits:

Quote of the recession so far:

"THIS IS WORSE THAN A DIVORCE.
I'VE LOST HALF MY MONEY
AND STILL HAVE MY WIFE."

DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the
Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy
some Cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my
license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will
happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in
bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's
different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Grandma Faith's Website - Lovemaking Tip for Seniors:

I know you will enjoy this page as much as I did.
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

And they say satire is dead - and they could be right:

The Medical Profession speaks out on the Financial Bail Out Package.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to
make any rash moves. The
Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought the
Administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all
laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists
yelled, 'Over my dead body!' while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists
could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of
the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow,
and the Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the
scheme wouldn't hold water. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea
was a gas; and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some as*holes in
Washington.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Dust If You Must:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

1956 Hard Disk:

5MB/ton - woo! But it would fit thorough a 29.5" doorway :-)
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Britains oldest criminals:
 Click here

If crime pays I'll have to work on this!!!!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Messing with oldies:

Don't mess with oldies.

An elderly couple go into a shop in town and are in there for around five
minutes. When they come out, they see a traffic warden writing out a
parking ticket. The man approaches the warden. "C'mon mate, give us oldies
a break' he implores.

The warden ignores him and continues to write the ticket. So the man calls
him an idiot. The warden glares at him, then writes out another ticket for
having worn tyres. This time the woman calls the warden a brainless nerd.
So the warden tucks the second ticket on the windscreen, then starts to
write a third ticket. This goes on for 20 minutes. The more the couple
abuse the warden, the more tickets they get. Once the traffic warden has
gone someone approaches them to ask how they are going to afford all the
fines.

"Oh, we don't have to" they reply, "it's not our car.  We came in by bus
this morning.  Got to get our kicks somehow these days!"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

ONE minute of video that could change our world:

Everyone needs to watch this one over and over, wet yourself laughing.
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

BONUS SAFETY INFORMATION: Supervisors and Safety:

WorkSafe experiment delivers shocking results

A mock worksite setup on a busy Melbourne street in which two actors posing
as workers asked passers by to hand over a ‘live’ cable from one to the
other has delivered shocking results.

Despite being warned the cable was dangerous, a staggering 90 per cent of
people walking down
Bourke Street who were asked by the ‘supervisor’ to pass the live wire to
the ‘apprentice’ did as they were told.

Even when the apprentice received a (fake) ‘shock’ and dropped the cable,
the helpful passers by picked it up and handed it to him again.

The experiment was conducted as part of WorkSafe’s supervisors’ campaign,
to help demonstrate that people are willing to obey instructions, even if
it means others may be harmed.

“Supervisors should not be asking workers to do something that is unsafe
and dangerous as there is a high likelihood they will,” WorkSafe Operations
General Manager Lisa Sturzenegger said.

“Supervisors need to be aware of this and ensure the people who are working
for and with them are not put into a dangerous situation.”

The experiment was based on a series of psychological experiments conducted
by Stanley Milgram in the 1960s, which highlighted people’s willingness to
obey requests from authority figures, even if those requests were harmful
to themselves or others.

“Victoria has Australia’s safest workplaces and its employers have, on
average, the lowest premiums for workplace injury insurance, however this
will only continue if high safety standards are maintained,” Ms
Sturzenegger said.

“It’s in people’s nature to be respectful and do the right thing but at
times doing that can lead to danger.”

“While employers have the principal responsibility for health and safety,
supervisors also have an important role to ensure safe work practices are
being followed.“

“Workers’ attitudes to safety are heavily influenced by their immediate
supervisor. If they don’t take safety seriously and if their employers
don’t take safety seriously, the consequences can be horrific.”

WorkSafe’s campaign comes after a recent survey* revealed supervisors rate
keeping up with productivity and meeting client deadlines as their most
important priority ahead of safety.

The survey also found one in five supervisors admitted they would ask their
employees to bypass safety to complete a task quickly.

“The important thing to realise is that supervisors have roles that go
beyond maintaining productivity and directing the day to day work,” Ms
Sturzenegger said.

“While deadlines and budgets are important, it won’t count for much if
someone in the team is injured.”

The experiment forms part of a suite of activities WorkSafe is using to
help target supervisors over the next month, including a television
campaign which uses black humour to ask supervisors if they would do what
they asked their workers to do.

Billboards featuring mannequins working in a dangerous way have also
appeared along some of
Melbourne’s major freeways.

To view the video of the WorkSafe experiment
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

This dog would have won if.........:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

My little Satnav:

I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It does more than the normal one
My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
On exactly how to drive
"It's sixty k's an hour" it says
"And you're doing sixty-five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
It lists those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house
Makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

VISIT TO POLAND:

On her recent visit to Poland, German Chancellor Angela Merkel was asked
the following questions on her arrival at the Warsaw airport -

Nationality ?    German.
Occupation ?   No, visit.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

School advsory service:
 Click here

Very good advice for the Trots.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A lovely Australian Poem:

Dedicated to all who have ever used a dinky-di Aussie long-drop "dunny." An
absolute classic!!

This has something for everyone - if you know the bush, it will appeal to
you, if you work in the oil industry, there is something in it for you too,
if you have a sense of humour - well, it might test it a little. If you are
not an Australian, then you may need an Aussie to explain it to you.

Goodbye Granddad

Poor old Granddad's passed away, cut off in his prime,
He never had a day off crook - gone before his time,

We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,
A startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet,

The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout,
The Constable he had his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out.

There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without trace,
Of redbacks quietly creeping and death from outer space,

No-one had a clue at all - the judge was in some doubt,
When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,

'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling breath,
'You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his death.'

'This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,
 And they reckoned that our farm was just the place to look for oil.

So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials,
They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles!

Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste.
But I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste,

So I moved the dunny over it - a real smart move I thought -
I'd never have to dig again - I'd never be 'caught short'.

The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,
But I didn't dream poor Granddad would pass away that night,

Now I reckon what has happened - poor Granddad didn't know,
The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go.

And you'll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his dash--
Well, he always used to hold his breath until he heard the splash!!


The Cremated Husband:

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his
ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the
patio table..

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to
him....

You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance
money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the
insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the
ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too,
with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Remember that
bl*w job I promised you?"

"Well here it comes."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A Flea's holiday:
 Click here

Apologies to those that have seen this before - but it is worth a replay
anyway.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

What's in a name:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Pain:

Enough to make your eyes water - just a bit!!!

DON'T DRIVE THAT FISHING BOAT TOO FAST!

So you thought YOU had a bad day at the office. . . .

OK, all you medics. . . .this one's gonna leave a mark...'

This is an actual emergency room photo of a fisherman who lost control of
his High Speed Bass
Boat in West Virginia. The warden's believe that he was travelling at a
speed of approximately 75 mph at the time of the accident.

He was unable to negotiate a curve in the narrow waterway and unfortunately
for him, upon striking the shoreline, he was ejected from the boat and
landed on an old fence post.
You can probably picture what happened next, but this photograph really
says it all.

The good news is after about 6 months, this man made a full recovery after
suffering a shattered hip, broken leg, several broken ribs, internal
injuries and soft tissue damage. The doctors credited his recovery to the
fact that the post lodged itself so tightly that there was little or no
blood loss.

      Now, that's got to hurt!
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

More why Didn't I Think of That:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Correct way to arrest a terrorist:

This incident took  place in Spain.

Apparently  the Spanish police  agreed to placate a 'bank hostage'
situation by  allowing the radical to 'escape' uninhibited.    He was
allowed to walk out of the bank in the  company of 2 hostages.
The police provided  him with a motorcycle and free access to the
motorcycle.     Then, leaving the hostages  behind, he was permitted to
ride away down a clear roadway to make  his 'escape.'

This whole incident,  shown on CBS  television, complete with news
reporting in English, can be seen on this 55-second video clip.    The
concluding few  seconds of this video shows the result of the Spanish
planning.

If this happened in the U.K ,  Australia,  America or Canada , the cops
would all be suspended and fired.     The  terrorist would  get a new
motorcycle,  $500,000  compensation, an apology from the prime minister,
and his family would be brought  over  and housed in West Kensington !

Now ........      watch the  video.......................
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Excavator skills. .This blokes got em:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Could this happen here:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A glass of red wine:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Ralfie....:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

1st Annual Wal-Mart Car Show:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Upside-Down Land:
 Click here

You know you live in an Upside-down Land if...

   - A Muslim officer crying "Allah Akbar" while shooting up an army base
is considered to have committed Workplace Violence" while an American
citizen boasting a Ron Paul bumper sticker is classified as a "Domestic
Terrorist"

You know you live in an Upside-down Land if...

   - You can get arrested for expired tags car-registrations on your car
but not for being in the country illegally.

You know you live in an Upside-down Land if...

   - Your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of
   dollars of debt is to spend trillions more of our money.

You know you live in an Upside-down Land if....

   - The Supreme Court of the United States can rule that lower courts
   cannot display the 10 Commandments in their courtroom, while sitting in
   front of a display of the 10 Commandments.

You know you live in an Upside-down Land if...

   - *Working class Americans pay for their own health care (and the health
   care of everyone else) while unmarried women are free to have child
   after child on the "State's" dime while never being held responsible for
their own choices.

You know you live in an Upside-down Land if...

   - *Hard work and success are rewarded with higher taxes and government
   intrusion, while slothful, lazy behavior is rewarded with EBT cards, WIC
   checks, Medicaid and subsidized housing.

You know you live in an Upside-down Land if...

   - The government's plan for getting people back to work is to provide
   99 weeks of unemployment checks (to not work).

You know you live in an Upside-down Land if...

   - Being self-sufficient is considered a threat to the government.

You know you live in an Upside-down Land if...

   - Politicians think that stripping away the amendments to the
constitution is really protecting the rights of the people.

You know you live in an Upside-down Land if...

   - The rights of the Government come before the rights of the individual.

You know you live in an Upside-down Land if...

   - *Parents believe the State is responsible for providing for their
children.

You know you live in an Upside-down Land if...

   - You can write a post like this just by reading the news headlines.

You know you live in an Upside-down Land if...

   - You pay your mortgage faithfully, denying yourself the newest big
   screen TV while your neighbor defaults on his mortgage (while buying
   iphones, TV's and new cars) and the government forgives his debt and
   reduces his mortgage (with your tax dollars).

You know you live in an Upside-down Land if...

   - Being stripped of the ability to defend yourself makes you "safe".

You know you live in an Upside-down Land if...

   - An 80 year old woman can be strip searched by the TSA but a Muslim
woman in a burqa is only subject to having her neck and head searched.

You know you live in an Upside-down Land if...

   - Using the "N" word is considered "hate speech" but writing and
   singing songs about raping women and killing cops is considered "art".

Unfortunately, this list could go on and on. Our world has been turned
upside-down.
We are in distress. Where do we go from here?

COWARDICE asks the question - is it Safe?

EXPEDIENCY asks the question - is it Politically Correct?

VANITY asks the question - is it Popular?

But the CONSCIENCE asks the question - is it Right?

And there comes a time when one must take a position that is neither,
Safe, nor Politically Correct, nor Popular, but one must take it, because
its RIGHT!

Ed: Prozac can help if you believe any of this stuff.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A joke:
 Click here

So you think you're having a bad day then you step outside of your house
and look up into the sky and see this.   
All of a sudden, that smile comes back to your face and you say to yourself
- now that is one big ass balloon, and things don't seem quite so bad. 

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Some for the Humourites:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Pictures you don't see every day.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Look Familiar?:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Old guys with Morse code vs. kids with text messaging:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Grandpa's Drink:
 Click here

There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table.

Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and after a
while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom.
When he returned, however, his trousers are wet all over.

'What happened, Grandpa? He is asked by his concerned children.

'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom. So
I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I
put it back!'

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

That's a proper clean up:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Get into the cricket or footy with own drinks:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

True words:
 Click here

From a recent Athens newspapers and a universal democratic message.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (May 04, 2012)  Index Next (May 18, 2012)