Friday humour - April 27, 2012

From Burnout @ Bluehaze.
Here in Australia this week we celebrated ANZAC Day, the day each year we
remember our fallen.

By the end of WWI Australia had lost 60,000 out of a population of close to
four million. 416, 809 Australians enlisted for service in the First World
War, representing 38.7% of the total male population.
By the end of the first day at ANZAC we had lost 2,000 dead....

In WWII we lost 39,366 Australian military deaths and 735 civilian deaths
directly as a result of Military action. All out of a population of near 7
million.

In the Korean War 741 dead, 2068 wounded, 163 missing....

In Vietnam approximately 60,000 Australians served in the war; 521 were
killed and more than 3,000 were wounded.

Since then we have continued to support other countries in action in many
parts of the world and we continue to lose our 'diggers'.

Each year Australians in their thousands attend dawn services at ANZAC
Shrines, I attended an overflowing service at RAAF Amberley this year.

Lest we forget.

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From: Anonymous
Subject: THE BROOKLYN PIZZA GUY

Gotta watch this, this guy is incredible!!
 Click here

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From: Anonymous
Subject: Double Dutch Dog Blows Your Mind!

The dog's name is GERONIMO and she is a 2 year old cattle dog mix, could 
be mixed with border collie or kelpie. Her current owner pulled her out  of
a pound in Missouri 2 summers ago. She was 3 months old.

GERONIMO's specialty is tricks. She loves to train for tricks, but also has
a  knack for agility and Frisbee. This trick took 5 weeks until it was 
perfect. GEROMIMO practiced it every single day, several hours a day.
 Click here

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From: Biggus
Subject: Quick jokes

I was in a bar on Sat*rday night... had a few... and I noticed two large
women by the bar. They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you
two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them chirped, "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from
Scotland?"

That's the last thing I remember.

---

My girlfriend wanted me to buy her a Siamese cat.

My mate told me that they are really expensive,

So I've bought 2 normal cats and glued their heads together.

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From: Johnny Green
Subject: ColoUred People

Love this! Toooo true

This was written by a black man in Texas. What a great sense of humour...

When U Black, U Black

When I was born, I was BLACK,
When I grew up, I was BLACK,
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK,
When I got cold, I was BLACK,
When I was scared, I was BLACK,
When I was sick, I was BLACK,
And when I die, I'll still be BLACK.

NOW, You 'white' folks......

When you're born, you're PINK,
When you grow-up, you're WHITE,
When you go in the sun, you get RED,
When you're cold, you turn BLUE,
When you're scared, you're YELLOW,
When you get sick, you're GREEN
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE,
And when you die, you look GREY.
So why y'all be callin' us COLOURED Folks?

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From: Johnny Green
Subject: more...

We should bring the blonde down here and then build a high fence behind us.

It's funny cos it's true.
 Click here

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From: Johnny Green
Subject: Get the landing net
 Click here save 8Mb.


For all keen fisherpersons. easier at the co-op in my view..

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: hair removal creme
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: Cowboy Poetry...Funny

 Jake, the rancher, went one day
To fix a distant fence.
The wind was cold and gusty
And the clouds rolled gray and dense.

As he pounded the last staples in
And gathered tools to go,
The temperature had fallen,
And snow began to blow.

When he finally reached his pickup,
He felt a heavy heart.
From the sound of that ignition
He knew it wouldn't start.

So Jake did what most of us
Would do if we were there.
He humbly bowed his balding head
And sent aloft a prayer.

As he turned the key the last time,
He softly cursed his luck
They found him three days later,
Frozen stiff in that old truck.

Now Jake had been around in life
And done his share of roaming.
But when he saw Heaven, he was shocked --
It looked just like Wyoming !

Of all the saints in Heaven,
His favorite was St. Peter .
So they sat and talked a minute or two,
Or maybe it was three.
Nobody was keeping' score --
In Heaven, time is free.

'I've always heard,' Jake said to Pete ,
'that God will answer prayer,
But the one time I asked for help,
Well, he just wasn't there.'

'Does God answer prayers of some,
And ignore the prayers of others?
That don't seem exactly square --
I know all men are brothers.'

'Or does he randomly reply,
Without good rhyme or reason?
Maybe, it's the time of day,
The weather or the season.'

'Now I ain't trying to act smart,
It's just the way I feel.
And I was wondering', could you tell me
What the heck's the deal?!'

  Peter listened very patiently
And when Jake was done,
There were smiles of recognition,
And he said, 'So, you're the one!!'

That day your truck, it wouldn't start,
And you sent your prayer a flying,
You gave us all a real bad time,
With hundreds of us trying.'

'A thousand angels rushed,
To check the status of your file,
But you know, Jake , we hadn't heard
From you in quite a while.'

'And though all prayers are answered,
And God ain't got no quota,
He didn't recognize your voice,
And started a truck in Minnesota '!

 IT'S BEST TO KEEP I N TOUCH!!

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From: Sack
Subject: check - up

Doctor, to lady, during her examination: "Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are
fine.
Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of
trouble."

Lady started taking off her clothes . . . .

Doctor, stopping her: "No! No! Please put on your clothes - JUST SHOW ME
YOUR TONGUE!"

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From: Sack
Subject:   A WARNING!

Condoms don't guarantee safe s*x anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one
when he was shot by the woman's husband.

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From: Sack
Subject: Little Hodiaki

OLD......but updated  !!!

The teacher said, 'Let's begin by reviewing some American history.  Who
said, 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodiaki  a bright foreign
exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry,1775,' he
said.

'Very good!'

Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall
not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response, except from Little Hodiaki, 'Abraham Lincoln,1863.'

'Excellent!' said the teacher continuing, 'Let's try one a bit more
difficult...'
Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do
for your country?'

Once again, Hodiaki's was the only hand in the air and he said:   'John F.
Kennedy, 1961.'

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of
yourselves; Little Hodiaki isn't from this country, and he knows more about
our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper:  'F**k the Japs.'

'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded..

Little Hodiaki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur,1945.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glared around and asks,  'All right! Now who said that?'

Again, Little Hodiaki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime
Minister,1991.'

Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Hodiaki jumped out of his chair waving his hand, and shouted to the
teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said,   'You little sh*t. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you.'

Little Hodiaki frantically yelled at the top of his voice,  'Michael
Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh
sh*t, We're screwed!'

Little Hodiaki said quietly, 'The Australian Labor Party, 2012!'

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From: Anonymous
Subject: DRILL TEAM FOR RETIRED MILITARY GUYS
 Click here

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From: Anonymous
Subject: Never Jaywalk in Johannesburg, South Africa
 Click here

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From: Anonymous
Subject: Were You A Cool Guy In High School?
 Click here

Were You A Cool Guy In High School?

This little test is based on how cool you were in High School based on what
crowd you ran with, what car you drove, type of gal you dated...etc. It's
surprisingly accurate. You may want to send it to your friends to see if
they've changed. Have some fun with it…

Click below

  target=_blank>Click here COOL PERSON

TEST

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From: Arfermo
Subject: Joke of the day:
 Click here

And so say we all I hope !!!

Hugh

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From: David from Gymea
Subject: The 3 Stooges
 Click here

Modern Day 3 Stooges.......................

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From: Dianne
Subject: A FLAT CAR
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

This awesome Flatmobile has a jet engine and does 100 mph (160 km/h).
Flatmobile recognized by the Guinness World Records for lowest street legal
car. It stands at just 19 inch or 48 cm tall.****

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From: Diks
Subject: The Price of Children
 Click here

Worth your time....................

 *You will love this, guaranteed.*

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From: Johnny Green
Subject: Novel Sales Strategy

Ad Information

Category:
Antennas / Tuners

Subcategories:
Antennas
Towers/Masts

Price
negotiable

Condition
Excellent

Other inclusions
Switched 4 wire HF aerial system forming V beams and dipoles + house and
land package

Submitted By
Licensed Amateur

Postage / Freight
Negotiable

Payment Methods
Direct Deposit

Description
Expressions of interest in 55 foot self supporting tower in situ on 1 1/4
acre block with excellent groundplane of thick ironstone. Dipole lengths
form one 1/2 wavelength on 160m. A tuned feeder connects the aerial system
back to the operating point (balanced coupler) . The aerial system can
switch 4 quadrants of V beams terminated and non terminated, and 2 dipoles,
to a single tuned feeder - for all HF band operation.
Included in package is 3-4 bedroom brick home, 3 colourbond sheds, 2 of
which are fully lined and insulated with power, light and telephone - ideal
Ham shack/workshops.
Located in small town in N Tasmania - 10 minutes from major airport, 20
minutes from major city. Supermarket, doctor, chemist, P.O. & school.
Large vegie garden, landscaping, mature trees.

Consider a lifestyle change -
Contact for more details

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From: Johnny Green
Subject: If dogs could text
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Johnny Green
Subject: Apartment Life
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

all together now...

"Neighbours, everybody needs good neighbours

With a little understanding, you can find the perfect blend

Neighbours, should be there for one another

That's when good neighbours become good friends"

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From: KRP
Subject: Never Give Up
 Click here

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From: Megazorch
Subject: Scale of the Universe A mindbender for you
 Click here

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From: Megazorch
Subject: hello kitty goodbye kitty
 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: honesty in advertising design
 Click here

It makes a refreshing change when a product name not only describes the
taste but also the effect

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: Moving Pictures
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

You may have to wait a minute or two for these pictures to load.  The
following are all "moving pictures" shared by Bob Croft of Mutual Nine, and
they are each absolutely adorable.

Let me chew on your ear a minute...
I got your toes... No, I got YOURS!
Who says white dogs can't jump?
Round and round we go... this sure beats chasing your own tail.
By spring, this cat's gonna be a hop-scotch champ!
These two truly make an ODD COUPLE !
Just a minute Mr. DeMille, let me get ready for my close-up!
You think outgrowing your clothes is a problem?
Try outgrowing your pet door!
Life is too short not to take time out to enoy the fun.

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject:  Armchair from IKEA
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: Rare photos of movie stars
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject:  GIRL IN A BAR
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject:  Alzheimer's or Parkinson's

Which one would you rather have?

   PARKINSONS of course!
Better to spill half your drink than forget where you put it!

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From: Sack
Subject:  Da End Iss Near
 Click here

Da End Iss Near

Ole is the Pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and Pastor Sven is
the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.

One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which says:

DA END ISS NEAR!
TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE!

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells,
"Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"

From the curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

Shakin' his head, Rev. Ole says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."

"Yaa," Pastor Sven agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust
say, 'Bridge Out?'"

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From: Sack
Subject:   Punography

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never
met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop
quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she
couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police
have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

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From: Sack
Subject: FW: YOUR NEW CAR
 Click here

This is really something!

I do think that the designer forgot one detail . . .

maybe a softer head-rest behind their heads?

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From: Sack
Subject:  Only in Texas -- The Piney Wood Rooter
 Click here Click here Click here

Only in Texas -- The Piney Wood Rooter

Cute little Texas pig ...That was killed in the town of Cut-N-Shoot TX

(a small community just north of Conroe & the Woodlands & Houston)

We call them Piney Wood Rooter ' s.
There was a doc*mentary on about a month ago about these PIGS

growing up rapidly in the US ..
They ' re all over Georgia , Alabama , Arkansas , Texas , Florida

and other states.

Did you ever wonder what happens to those people that just leave

home and disappear but their car is found out on a dirt road?
Between bigfoot and these monsters, I think we know!

This one was killed by a Medical Radiology worker...
What would you do if this beast was coming at you?
Run for dear life? Climb a tree? Or simply get run over?

Over 1,800 lb. wild boar shot and killed in Conroe , Texas near the

county airport, east of I-45 and near the community of Cut and Shoot.

Yep.......only in Texas ! (Probably not only in Texas)
We were told to stand still because their eye sight is poor.

By standing still they probably would not see you and walk

right on by. And NO you can't outrun them!!

And they wonder why most Southerners are armed?

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From: Sack
Subject: Ever Wonder About Those Reverse Mortgages?
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: Transports of delight.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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From: Sack
Subject: Disappearing Landcruiser
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

V8 Land-Cruiser in Saudi falls down a 60m well

You'd think that they'd at least put up a flag to let people know there's
A 100 mt hole there. This happened in Saudi a few days ago.
In areas where there is fresh water under ground the locals dig wells
And support the sides with concrete and stones to keep the sand from
Falling back in to the well. Some of these are up to 100 meters deep.
This particular one was 60 meters deep and 4 meters wide, located
Outside Riyadh in the center of Saudi.

The guys went out in the desert for a bit of 4X4 fun on a Thursday when one
of them
Drove in to the well and dropped 60 meters to the bottom with his
V8 Cruiser.

Rescue workers retrieved the car and the driver had a mild concussion from
hitting his head against the wind screen,

the thing that saved him was the fact that it scr*ped its way down,

rather than a free fall.
Hard to believe he is alive.

This is why Allah gave them camels.

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From: The Great Gussius
Subject: 2012 Canberra Earthquake
 Click here

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From: The Great Gussius
Subject: Spear fishing is a pain in the butt
I've never been spear fishing, but I'm fairly sure this isn't how it's
done.
 Click here

Talk about a pain in the ass...

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From: The Great Gussius
Subject:  Eddy
 Click here

Only because u may know a Pies fan....

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From: The Great Gussius
Subject: Dancing with the stars feedback
 Click here

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From: The Great Gussius
Subject: Gynecologist has picture interference (xxxx - ED)
 Click here

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From: anonymous
Subject: The Cow, the Ant and the Old Fart

A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the
three of them.

The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the
greatest!"
The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52
times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"

Why are you scrolling down?

It's your turn to say something.

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Quote of the Week: "Never in my life.... had I seen soldiers who looked so
shocked and so tired and so utterly weary as those men."

Brigadier John ROGERS.
Australia's Director of Military Intelligence, 1942.
Speaking of meeting the 39th Battalion, being replaced in the Kokoda
Campaign.


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[ End friday humour ]

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