Friday humour - April 20, 2012

So the Greens are a bit Greener now, having lost their Brown head. More
foliage, less trunk? So far no good jokes Bobbing around ...

This weeks offerings come courtesy of Burnout, Digi Maria, Johnny Green,
Moonboot, Sack, Mitta, The Great Gussius, and the secretive anonymi. A
short one this week. Culled lots and lots of submissions that were recent
repeats, and stuff that wasn’t funny.

Enjoy!

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From 1980
 Click here

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They sent my on-line Tax form back to me!
In response to question # 4, "Do you have any dependents?", I replied :
* 1.1 million Illegal immigrants,
* 0.5 million crack heads,
* 2 million unemployable people,
* 100,000 criminals in over 30 prisons, and
* 565 idiots in Parliament.

Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer. Who the hell did I miss?

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Ashleigh and Pudsey Dog Dancing Act The Flintstones Britain's Got Talent
2012
 Click here

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Don't J-walk!.
 Click here

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Have a listen to this. And it is always good when Simon is so superior and
critical before an act starts and then gets shot down in flames.
 Click here

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One for the Marketers
 Click here
Fully sick mate.

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What would happen if everyone was to flush their toilet at the same time?

If a criminal turns himself in shouldn't he get the reward money?

Do people with big eyes see at a wider range than people with smaller eyes?

If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything, wouldn't you
see through everything and actually see nothing?

Why is it called pineapple, when's there neither pine nor apple in it?

If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still be considered a bank
robbery?

Do cows have calf muscles?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why does an alarm clock 'go off' when it begins ringing?

If you take a shower, where do you put it?

If a cat always lands on its feet and buttered bread always lands butter
side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat?

If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10
miles away?

What's the problem with toast? Two slices pop up, you whip one out, and
spread some margarine on it. But by the time you get the second, the
consistency has changed. Why not have a time delay?

If someone told you they were a pathological liar, would you believe them?

Do stairs go up or down?

If Teflon is non-stick, how did they make it stick to the pan?

Here's one for you, What is the opposite of opposite?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell 'mnemonic'?

What would happen if you were to feed a pig some bacon?

Do fish get thirsty?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

Why is it called your bottom when it's really in the middle of your body.

Why do you press the buttons on the remote control harder.. when you know 
the batteries are running out?
 
If you were to take all of the ships out of all of the oceans, would the
sea level go down?

If you were in a car, driving at the speed of light and you turned on the
headlights, what would happen?

Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?

If mineral water has trickled through mountains for thousands of years,
then why does it have an expiration date?

Where would we be without rhetorical questions?

If heat rises then shouldn't Hell be cold?

Which way does a compass point in space?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Can someone give up Lent for Lent?

Do octopuses have arms or legs?

If you were born exactly on 12:00 midnight on December 31st - January 1st,
which year would you say you were born in?

If someone can't see, they're blind and if someone can't hear, they're
deaf, so what do you call people who can't smell?

How can someone 'draw a blank'?

If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a
yellow?

Where does the white go when the snow melts?

If you dug a hole through the centre of the earth, which end would come out
first?

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Golf ethics

What if you were playing in the golf club championship tournament finals
and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You had the honour and hit
your ball a modest 250 yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple
six iron to the pin. Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into
the woods to the right of the fairway.

Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for
his ball. Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your
opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in
time, I'll concede the match."

You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about 10 feet from the
pin. About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim
from deep in the woods: "I found it!" The second sound you hear is a click,
the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the
woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the
hole.

Now here is the ethical dilemma: Do you pull the cheating sod's ball out of
your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut?

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The bad, the very bad and the extraordinarily ugly - scary stuff
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Smiles
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 Click here Click here Click here

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Can't pull the wool over this old dear ...

Two businessmen in the centre of Perth were sitting down for a break in
their soon-to-be new shop...
As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to
walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling." No
sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old
woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,
"What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ar*e holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, "Must be doing well... only two
left."

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Old Watches!
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Classic [Oz only joke - ed]
 Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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