Friday humour - April 13, 2012

Gussius @ Bluehaze

Here's hoping you are recovering from a very good & relaxing Easter break.

Contributors this week include Anonymous3, Arfermo, Billy Bunter of
Adelaide, Burnout, Johnny Green,
Mad Mick from Marwick, Sack, Sir Edward, Allnutts, Digi Steve, Nottingham
Smithie, Whizzbang as well as the regular band of anony-mouses.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Singing Bird Pistols:

Watch this short video on a pair of 200 plus year old mechanical singing
bird pistols.

Yes...they are pistols, however, not intended for use as working pistols.

Hand crafted gold and jewels make these masterpieces up.

They were put up for sale at Christies in Hong Kong in May 2011 with a
starting bid of $2,000.000 but there is no word as to what became of them.

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Willie Nelson at Age 75:

Whether or not you are a country music fan, these are truly the words of a
deep thinker and a highly intelligent person. So simple, yet so profound!

Read his words of wisdom below his esteemed portrait from that famous
philosopher, Willie Nelson, iconic country and western singer, on his 75th
birthday. Only a man with such wisdom and maturity (and sense of humor)
could be so concise and succinct in phrasing his feelings at this turning
point in his life.

"I have outlived my pecker" he said. That's me too. Sad 'ennit?

  The Penis Poem by Willie Nelson

    My nookie days are over,
    My pilot light is out.
    What used to be my s*x appeal,
    Is now my water spout.
    Time was when, on its own accord,
    From my trousers it would spring.
    But now I've got a full time job,
    To find the f***in' thing.
    It used to be embarrassing,
    The way it would behave.
    For every single morning,
    It would stand and watch me shave.
    Now as old age approaches,
    It sure gives me the blues.
    To see it hang its little head,
    And watch me tie my shoes.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Irish joke:

A Texan, visiting Ireland, goes into an Irish Pub, reaches in his pocket,
and takes out 5 one-hundred dollar bills, places them in a stack on the bar
and announces:

"I'm from Texas and I'll give $500 to any Irishman who can down 10 pints of
Guinness without stopping!"

A general buzz emanates from the patrons. No one accepts the challenge, but
the Texan notices that one Irishman gets up, passes by the Texan and exits
the pub.

Since no one has accepted the challenge, the Texas pockets the stack of
one-hundred dollar bills.

About 20 minutes passes and the Irishman re-enters the pub, walks up to the
Texan and asks:

"Is the bet still on?"

"Sure", says the Texan, who reaches in his pocket and puts the stack of
bills back on the bar.

The bar tender lines up 10 pints of Guinness on the bar and the Irishman
proceeds to knock them back, one-after-another, without respite.

Astonished, the Texan hands the Irishman the $500, but says: "May I ask you
a question?"

"Aye", replies the Irishman, "What is it?"

"Where did you go when you left the pub a while ago?"

"Why, I went to another pub to see if I could do it!" is the reply.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Communication:

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:

"Windows frozen."

Husband texts back:

"pour some luke warm water over it."

Wife texts back:

"computer completely knackered now."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A short history of flight......:

Bloody short if this thing ever gets airborne...

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Next gym class!:

Just before the March 4 presidential election.

Hi, Hope you enjoy this toe-tapper.

 What a crazy, ever changing world...! Who could have thought that in 2012
young people in Moscow would put on a "flash mob" happening, dancing to an
83 year old American song written by a Russian born American/Jew (Irving
Berlin) whose last name is the capital of Germany...

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Alexander Jorgenson and his friend Barti:

This guy is gooooooooooood !!!!!

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

ALL ABOUT THE DOUGH!!!

Little Johnny! (Bless the little bugger)  "Class, today's assignment is to
spell and use the word 'DOUGH' in a sentence."

"Jane, you go first.....Dough, D O U G H.."Italians make pizza with dough."

Very good, Jane... now let's hear from Mary."Dough, D O U G H. . My brother
makes things with play dough."

"Yes, Johnny, do you have something constructive to add? "My mom says my
dad doesn't make enough dough, and he's bloody hopeless in bed, so she uses
a dill dough!"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Click on The Chicken:

Happy Easter guys

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Older Crowd:

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has
to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then,just how serious is my condition because this
prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'."

***********************
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he
insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son;do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go
well,
if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you
and your wife...."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and
start bragging about it. This is so true. I love to hear them say "you
don't look that old."
---------------------------------
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
---------------------------------

Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me! I want people to know why I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
********************

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
-------------------------------

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a
nice change from being young.
~~~~~~~~~~~

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
*********

First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper...
it's worse when you forget to pull it down.
````````````````
*********************

(And this final one especially for me,)
"Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth!"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 THE HUSBAND STORE:

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman
may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of
the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may
choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next
floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor
the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1- These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2- These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with
Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign
reads:

Floor 6- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this
floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store
just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love s*x.
The second floor has wives that love s*x and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floorshave never been visited.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


PHILOSOPHICAL HUMOUR:

Philosopher-comedian Emily Levine talks (hilariously) about science,
math, society and the way everything connects. She's a brilliant trickster,
poking holes in our fixed ideas and bringing hidden truths to light. Settle
in and let her ping your brain.

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

SNOOKER:

STREWTH! Donít worry about the girl, how would you like to be the poor
bugger playing this bloke for a penny a pointí?

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Gotta love dogs!

A FAMOUS PHOTOGRAPHER IN CALIFORNIA DECIDED TO TAKE A FEW OF HIS FURRY
FRIENDS, A BALL AND A HIGH RESOLUTION UNDERWATER CAMERA,

HERE ARE THE RESULTS ENJOY

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

WINTER TIME IN VENICE:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Winter time in Venice ....

If you are afraid of water, thank the Good Lord  you were not born in
Venice. St. Marks Square is now knee deep in sea water. Happens every
winter yet all drains off in the Spring.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Great Australian Drover:

 Click here

Drover:  "Give me three packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Drover:  "Nah.... She ain't that  ugly."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

This explains everything:

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Where do they get all this money:

 Click here

Just pops up out of the ground, old chap. They can have it, frankly.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Latest fashion for men on the prowl

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

The brand "The Mountain" made this prints super realistic, which has
achieved an amazing 3D effect with the animals, giving the impression that
they are jumping from the fabric.

Have you chosen one ? Oink!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Redneck Father:

  Click here

 A Redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby.

Upon arriving he sits down, and the nurse says, "Congratulations, your wife
has had quins, 5 big baby boys."

The Redneck says, "I'm not surprised, I have a penis on me like a chimney."

The nurse replies, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned, the
babies are black."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 What I did on my holidays?

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here


HERE ARE SOME PICS OF TIGER SHARKS, EATING A DEAD WHALE, AT OF ALL PLACES,
SHARK-BAY WA .

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU WITNESS SUCH AN EVENT????


YES ,YOU GET OUT OF YOUR PERFECTLY SAFE BOAT, AND CLIMB ON TOP OF A VERY
DEAD, VERY SMELLY, AND VERY SLIPPERY DEAD WHALE, AND GET SOME VERY GOOD
PICS.

A PROPER EATING FRENZY BY A LARGE GROUP OF TIGER SHARKS

NOW HE IS STANDING ON THE DEAD WHALE, A VERY SLIPPERY DEAD WHALE.

THAT IS ONE CRAZY BLOKE.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Wet T-Shirt Contest..................Winner!!!

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Recent Political Cartoons - just keeping youse all up to speed in case
you're not:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Photoshop:

 Click here

a demonstratioin on how cropping can make or break a fine composition


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Missionary Position:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Spontaneous self assembly:

 Click here

This experimental model using ice cream sticks shows how molecules
spontaneously self assemble into more complex forms when ideal conditions
are present.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Chevy Volt Ad:

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Anzac Day:

 Click here Click here


What the Hell is this bullsh*t about 'toning down' ANZAC day because it may
offend immigrants in Australia?

This is Australia because all our forefathers fought for us..

This is one special day that 'we' proud Aussie's Pay our respects to the
many heroes lost fighting for our freedom and OUR! Country!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

What hockey fans won't do..:

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Type in a street address with city :

This is so quick, & I found it worked for NZ, UK and Aussie addresses.
Type in a street address with city for somewhere you used to live & when
you click on "shake",a photo of the house appears!

CLICK ON THE GLOBE BELOW

 Click here


 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___



--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (April 06, 2012)  Index Next (April 20, 2012)