Friday humour - March 30, 2012



From: Arfermo
Subject: Barclay Bank - This is Brilliant ?????
Note to self: 'Cancel credit cards prior to death!
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die!
This is so priceless and so easy to see happening - customer service, being
what it is today!

A lady died this past January, and Barclay bank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and
Then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had
Been £0.00, now is somewhere around £60.00.
A family member placed a call to the Barclay Bank:
Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

Barclay:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

Barclay:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been..'

Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Barclay:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to
The credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

Barclay:
'Excuse me?'

Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you . . .. The part about her
Being dead?'

Barclay:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

Barclay:
"The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Barclay:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:
'No, I'm her great nephew.'
(Lawyer info given)

Barclay:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:
'Sure.'
(fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

Barclay:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to
help.'

Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing 
Her. I don't think she will care.'

Barclay:
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'

Barclay:
'That might help.'

Family Member:
'Finchley Memorial Cemetery, Great North Road, Finchley, London Plot Number
1049.'

Barclay:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member:
'Well, what the f*** do you do with dead people on your
planet?'.............


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From: Diks
 Subject: More Power with a porcelain carburator


Now that's funny................................


carburettor

 Click here


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From: Diks
Subject: VIDEO TAKEN BY A STATE TROOPER DASH CAM
  '
THIS A VIDEO TAKEN BY A STATE TROOPER DASH CAM. SEE HOW QUICKLY YOUR
LIFE COULD CHANGE...OR TAKEN AWAY.... BY TAKING YOUR EYES OFF THE ROAD FOR
A SPLIT SECOND. THINK ABOUT THIS NEXT TIME YOU SEE SOMEONE TEXTING OR
READING A BOOK, EATING, OR PUTTING ON THEIR MAKEUP, WHILE DRIVING. Although
this was simply driving in a dangerous situation........THIS IS REALITY!
Even talking on the phone takes your complete attention off your driving.
You just can't be too careful.

  Click here


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From: Diks
Subject: argh, I still need the noise of an internal combustion engine


Check this out....................AMAZING!!!


This is great - an electric Datsun at the dragstrip !!

This makes you wonder what they have been doing in Detroit for last ten
years!

If a little guy in a home garage can make this, what are all the big
carmakers doing in all their giant labs?


 Click here


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From: Johnny Green
Subject: Rare Tape Found--Louis Armstrong With Danny Kaye


Wasn't Danny Kaye brilliant.a beauty!


 Click here


Rare Tape Found--

Louis Armstrong With Danny Kaye

Those of you who are old enough to remember ol' Satchmo and Danny Kaye will
LOVE this!!


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From: Johnny Green
Subject: MENSA INVITATIONAL...i knew that

Bit old so you may have seen it - my friends are from Barcelona - no,
Buenos Aires!

For the current (?) story go to
 Click here
where you may even play!

"Here are the 2009 winners":


The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an as*hole.
3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the
fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its
yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for
common words.

And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has
gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absent-mindedly answering the door when wearing only a
nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run
over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up
onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circ*mvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish
men.


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From: Johnny Green
 Subject: Didn't take long!


This was already doing the rounds on Sat*rday night.


Q: What's the difference between a Toyota Tarago and the Queensland Labor
Party?


A: The Tarago has eight seats!


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From: Johnny Green
Subject: Porcelain Unicorn

British film director Sir Ridley Scott launched a global film making
contest for aspiring directors.  It's titled "Tell It Your Way".  There
were over 600 entries.

The film could be no longer than three minutes, contain only 6 lines of
narrative & be a compelling story.  The winner was "Porcelain Unicorn" from
American director Keegan Wilcox.

It's a story of the lifetimes of two people who are totally opposite, yet,
very much the same - all told in less than 3 minutes.

You'll see why it won.


 Click here


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From: Johnny Green
Subject: HOW LONG DO YOU WORRY ABOUT YOUR KIDS???


This is good for certain demographics..

 WORRY

Is there an imaginary cutoff period when
Offspring become accountable
For their own actions?
Is there some wonderful moment when
Parents can become detached spectators in
The lives of their children and shrug,
"It's their life", and feel nothing?

When I was in my twenties,
I stood in a hospital corridor
Waiting for doctors to put a few stitches
In my son's head and I asked,
'When do you stop worrying?'
The nurse said,
'When they get out of the accident stage..'
My Parents just smiled faintly
And said nothing.

When I was in my thirties,
I sat on a little chair in a classroom
And heard how one of my children
Talked incessantly, disrupted the class,
And was headed for a career
Making license plates.
As if to read my mind, a teacher said,
'Don't worry, they all go through this stage
And then you can sit back,
Relax and enjoy them.'
My Parents just smiled faintly
And said nothing.

When I was in my forties,
I spent a lifetime waiting
For the phone to ring,
The cars to come home,
The front door to open.
A friend said,
'They're trying to find themselves.
'Don't worry!
In a few years, they'll be adults.
'They'll be off on their own
They'll be out of your hair'
My Parents just smiled faintly
And said nothing.

By the time I was 50,
I was so tired of being vulnerable.
I was still worrying over my children,
But there was a new wrinkle..
Even though they were on their own
I continued to anguish over their failures,
Be tormented by their frustrations and
Absorbed in their disappointments..
And there was nothing I could do about it.
My Parents just smiled faintly
And said nothing.

My friends said that
When my kids got married
I could stop worrying
And lead my own life.
I wanted to believe that,
But I was haunted by My Parents' warm smiles
And their occasional,
'You look pale. Are you all right' ?
'Call me the minute you get home'.
Are you depressed about something?'

My friends said that
When I became a Grandparent
That I would get to enjoy
The happy little voices yelling
Grandma! Grandpa!
And now I find that I worry
Just as much about the little ones
As my big ones.
How does anyone cope
With all this Worry?

Can it be that parents are sentenced
To a lifetime of worry?
Is concern for one another
Handed down like a torch
To blaze the trail of human frailties
And the fears of the unknown?
Is concern a curse or is it
A virtue that elevates us
To the highest form of earthly creation?

Recently, one of my own children
Became quite irritable, saying to me,
'Where were you?
I've been calling for 3 days,
And no one answered
I was worried.'
I smiled a warm smile.
The torch has been passed.


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From: Johnny Green
Subject: Britain's got Talent - Move over Susan Boyle you are not going to
believe this one


Dedicated to my younger son-in-law who loves this stuff.


 Click here


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From: Johnny Green
Subject: Fire Engine Submarine in Oz - great vid


Love that he still has the windscreen wipers going.


 Click here


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From: Johnny Green
Subject: Why doesn't this happen to me?


Perhaps your filing skills and general tidiness are too efficient?


 Click here


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From: Sack
Subject: Irish Furniture Dealer.


Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of
furniture in his store, so he went to Paris to see what he could find.

He visited some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would
sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit
a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he
noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at
his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked
him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand); so he motioned
to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her
in
English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of
trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a
wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine
for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin and
drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.. They left the
bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic
music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a
picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They
danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a
four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was
in the furniture business.


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From: Sack
Subject: Learning to Cuss

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started
learning to cuss. "The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say
something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he
wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some
Cheerios.
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and
runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping
his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let
you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a
stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be
Cheerios!"


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From: Sack
Subject: More London Olympics


London Olympics 2012


London (Stratford) will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012.

You may not know is that many of the famous events, which go to make up
this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2012. A copy of
these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below:

OPENING CEREMONY
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area
in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be
contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the
stadium.

THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic Games, East London's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each
arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released
from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences,
walls etc)

HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use
(claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most
physical damage within three attempts.

FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5
minutes.

SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first
target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will
aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages
deliveryman. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a
choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will
take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager
while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The
bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take
an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away
from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian
rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and
arson.

SWIMMING EVENTS
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is
found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised,
please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will
comprise dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the
specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve."

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided.

MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee
the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially anyone
that appears to be... mincing

THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock
throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will be
extinguished by police riot water cannon following the inevitable pitch
invasion by confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium
itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and
remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler


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From: Sack

Achar Singh buys the new Automatic BMW X8 sport.


He drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night the car just
won't move at all.


He tries driving the car at night for a week but still no luck.


He then furiously calls the BMW dealers and they send out a technician to
him, the technician asks " Sir, are you sure you are using the right
gears?"


Full of anger Achar replies: "You fool, idiot man, how you could ask such a
question, I'm not stupid!! I use D for the Day and N for the Night..."


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From: Sack
Subject: "Dogs Welcome"

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a
Midwest town he planned to visit on his
Vacation. He wrote: I would very much like
To bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed
And very well behaved. Would you be willing
To permit me to keep him in my room with
Me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel
Owner, who wrote: SIR: "I've been operating
This hotel for many years. In all that time, I've
Never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes,
Silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never
Had to evict a dog in the middle of the night
For being drunk and disorderly. And I've never
Had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed,
Your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your
Dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay
Here, too."


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From: Sir Edward
Subject: TROOPS REVIEW

A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India.

One man he passed sported an enormous erection.

"Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted. "Give this man 30 days compassionate
home leave."

"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replied.

A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man.

"Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave,"
the Colonel barked.

A few months later, same guy, same problem.

The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this man two
compassionate home leaves?"

"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replies.

"Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks.

The Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of."


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From: Sir Edward
Subject: COMMUNICATIONS PROBLEM

Outside Bristol Zoo there is a car park for 150 cars and 8 coaches.

 There also used to be a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine
charging cars £1 and  coaches £5.

 This parking attendant worked there for all of 25 years, then one day just
didn't turn up for work...

"Ho hum", said  Bristol Zoo Management - "better phone up the City
Council and get them to send a new parking attendant" ......

 "Err no", said the Council, "that car park is your responsibility" ...

 "Err no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the
City Council, wasn't he?" .....

 "Err NO!"

 Sitting in his villa in Spain is a bloke who had been taking daily the car
park fees amounting to an estimated  £400 per day at Bristol
Zoo for the last 25 years...!!

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From: Tommo963
Subject: Jokes

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Mary: "My last boyfriend said he fantasised about having two girls at
once."


Jill: "Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?"


Mary: "I said, 'If you can't satisfy one woman, why would you want to p*ss
off two?'"

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

A woman had gained a few kilos. It was most noticeable to her when she
squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering if the added weight
was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband,
"Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?"


"No, dear, not at all," he replied, "Our house isn't blue."


He is almost over the cold he caught sleeping in the garage for 3 nights.


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From: Tommo963
Subject: One Liners and a Joke

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?


Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went
nuts


Stop Redundancy


The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of
Repetition has decided not to meet until they

have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time.

Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their
first meeting, so that it would not be confusing.

So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will
not have a meeting before the first meeting.

This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it
is held, since to do so would be confusing to

those who did so and this is what they want to avoid by reducing the
confusion and lessening the repetition.


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From: Tommo963
Subject: They say that s*x you burn off calories


A woman was feeling quite confused after reading an article in a magazine
that read:

"They say that during s*x you burn off as many calories as running 8
kilometres".

Because then she thought to herself who the hell runs 8 kilometres in 30
seconds?


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From: Tommo963
Subject: St. Peter's Book

A man arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is
reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it.
After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and
says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."

"How current is your copy?" he asks.

"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "Why do you ask?"

"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was
not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name
probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."

"I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update
to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your
life."

The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmm, well there was this one time
when I was driving down a road and I saw a giant group of biker gang
members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there
they were, about 20 of 'em torturing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out
of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader
of the gang.

"He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and
a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader,
the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be
next. So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over
the head with the tire iron.

"Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor
innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home
before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'"

St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"

"About three minutes ago."


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From: Tommo963
Subject: Jokes

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

I prefer to describe myself as a "Contemporary Anthropological
Interactive Observer" because it has just the right amount of flair.
Besides...."stalker" is such an ugly word.


$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$


A help desk operator takes a call from a hysterical secretary.
It seems she was playing on her boss's brand new business computer and she
spilled Coke on the "keyboard."

The help desk operator figured, "What the hell. It's only a $10 keyboard"
and told her to unplug it, rinse the keys under the tap and leave it
somewhere to dry.

The next morning her boss rings the help desk demanding to speak to the
manager. This guy really wants the help desk operator's job,
he's that upset.

What he wants to know is... "What clown told my secretary to put $2000
worth of laptop under a tap?


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From: Tommo963
Subject: Leaky pipe


This bloke had been standing in his dark and dank cellar for well over and
hour with his hands gripping a leaky pipe. The water spurted between his
fingers.  His shoes were getting wetter and wetter.

Suddenly he heard his wife's voice calling down the cellar door. "Honey,
you can take your hands off that leak now!"

"Why," he yelled, "did the plumber finally get here?"

"No," responded his loving wife, "the house is on fire."


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From: Tommo963
Subject: The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class  . . . . . .


The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a
living.  One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her
mother was an engineer.

When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a
prostitute."

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office.
Then, 15 minutes later, he returned.

So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"

Johnny said, "Yes."

"Well, what did the principal say?"

"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me a pocket full
of lollipops and asked for my phone number...


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From: Tommo963
Subject: YOUNG NOVICE NUN JOKE


The young novice nun soon realized that the absence of s*x in the convent
was a problem. She confessed to Mother Superior that it was unhealthy and
she was restless.

"Comfort yourself with a candle," she was advised.

"I've tried that," she said, "But you get tired of the same thing wick in
and wick out."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Whizzbang
Subject: THIS COULD BE US SOMEDAY..


Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but
they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she
asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it
down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it
down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice
cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man
returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She
stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,
the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a
new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name
of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red
and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen
and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last
night?'


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman
already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who
insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to
the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out
of her hospital gown.'


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'


A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost
me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really
doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur;
be careful.'


One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he
ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Whizzbang
Subject:  Naughty Poem  (XXX - ED)

A naughty poem!   The Country was in a terrible state,

As the Parliament sat for the Budget Debate.

It was quite a few minutes before Gillard spoke,

Then she said, 'S*x will cost you two bucks a poke,

Whether your short, skinny or thick.

A tax will be paid on the use of your pr*ck'.


Penny Wong rose and said 'Julia look here,

Will this tax apply to those who are queer?'

Greenie Bob Brown looked rather glum,

'May I be exempt, I only like bum.'

Julia replied and sounded quite airy

'You'll pay double you dirty old fairy'


Up rose Tony Abbott, to tremendous applause

Grabbed Julie Bishop and ripped off her drawers

He straddled across her and screwed her at will

Then shouted to Gillard, 'Put that on the Bill'!


Wayne Swan shouted, 'I think I'll resign,

I haven't had s*x for a very long time.

I dream every night of a big juicy crutch,

But two bucks a go ....  that's too bloody much.'


The House was in uproar, the fighting went on,

Till Turnbull banged on the Bar with his dong,

'With a tax on a poke in the front and the back

All we can do is have a good whack.'

I disagree said Joyce with a leer,

And stuck his big pr*ck into Bob Katter's ear.


The backbenchers came and the Cabinet went

Rudd took his out and found it was bent.

'Look here', he cried as it swung in the air,

'For those who are bent a discount is fair.'

So all checked their d*cks, the Speaker was last,

And in the excitement, the damn Bill was passed.


So now in the beds of Australia at night,

There's many a f*nny that's closed up real tight.

They're taxing our booze and taxing our smokes

And now the bastards are taxing our pokes.


If two bucks a head is the price we must pay

It now with ourselves we find we must play

To quench our frustrations we must have a wank

And for the state of our Country - we've Gillard to thank!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Allnutts
Subject: Daylight saving warning.

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Allnutts
Subject: Best commercial Shatner ever did

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Allnutts
Subject: 3 GREAT ADS---click on pictures to see the ads

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Anonymous3
Subject: The space toilet

 Click here


An astronaut explains things...


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Anonymous3
Subject: Most popular ride at the Texas state fair


 Click here


Pretty funny!!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Arfermo  (XXX - ED)
Subject:2012 Blonde Calendar....

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Burnout
Subject: Friggin Printer

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Burnout
Subject: I PAD

 Click here

You shouldn’t have a problem understanding this film clip even if it is
German.

The daughter asks:   How do you like the i-pad we gave you?   Are you
having any trouble with the apps?


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


From: Davo
Subject: FIRE TRUCK versus FLOOD

 Click here

One for Friday Humour


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Diks
Subject: Greatest Movie Line Ever

 Click here


A friend sent me this punch line is right toward the end of the clip
(volume is kind of low, even when all the way up)

Most people say the greatest movie line was Clark Gable's delivery to
Vivien Leigh in Gone With the Wind: 'Frankly, my dear, I don't give a
damn'. But the greatest, most accurate, and most timely movie line was Bob
Hope's from a real oldie with Paulette Goddard and Richard Carlson.

Enjoy the 20 second clip.****


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Diks
Subject: Possibly one of the best PowerPoint presentations...EVER

 Click here


We need to trust in God
Our military and an armed
Citizenry.

This shows that the best way for standing up for freedom is the freedom to
own and have guns.****

****


--
"We the people are the rightful masters of both Congress and the courts,
not to overthrow the Constitution but to overthrow the men who pervert the
Constitution."

Abraham Lincoln


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


From: Diks
Subject: Morning eye opener

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Diks
Subject: I thought so..........

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Johnny Green
Subject: For my doggie friends...

 Click here


Indeed - short too!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


From: Johnny Green
Subject: Craig Thompson MP - the Slater & Gordon / BDO report
conclusions....

 Click here

Check THIS out for WOW!


Some interesting reading here!


Didn't realise the Keywed restaurant was such an expensive place to dine!!


Best not to send to all your mates!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


From: Johnny Green
Subject: Look at this.

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here


Ah well, will send to a wider audience now! Delete if you're squeamish.


It should be noted that yesterday I had a call from this good mate and
contributor of Tuesday's email below to the Gruesome list who, when he
received it, thought it was just another web mail thing (as I did).


He now tells me these are actual photos taken by his sister's son-in-law, a
young doctor currently working in Africa - he says these are virtually
daily occurrences!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject: Make sure you're stone cold sober to view this
Make sure you're stone cold sober to view this or you might never drink
again - thinking your mind has really snapped.


1. Where is the middle rod
 Click here
2. How many planks? Count top and bottom.
 Click here
3. Is it open to the inside or outside?
 Click here
4. Are the pillars round or square?
 Click here
5. How many planks? 3 or 4?
 Click here
6. Is this a frame?
 Click here
7. Strange construction !
 Click here
8. The beam in the middle disappears from left to right
 Click here
9.     2 or 3 posts ?
 Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


From: Sack
Subject: Jobs in Heaven

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Sack
Subject:   Dirty Fur

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


From: Sack
Subject: Nina Burri Performance;

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


From: Sir Edward
Subject: MRS BROWN & HEAVY BREATHER

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: The Great Gussius
Subject: Secret to a Really Good Bacon Cheeseburger

 Click here


Macca's secret is out.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Tommo963
Subject: Politically incorrect . . . . . . . . .

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Tommo963
Subject: Random facts!!!!

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


From: Whizzbang
Subject: Very intense martial arts video.

 Click here


You will probably end up watching this one twice, at least.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Whizzbang
Subject: ar*eholed

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Whizzbang
Subject:  Wife Killer - Nobby

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Whizzbang
Subject:  Why We Don't Take Grandpa To The Beach!

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: anonymous
Subject: The Tale of the Tortoise and the Hare

 Click here


The Tale of the Tortoise and the Hare


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Quote of the Week:

Pull the string, and it will follow wherever you wish. Push it, and it will
go nowhere at all.

- Dwight D. Eisenhower



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[ End friday humour ]

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