Friday humour - March 23, 2012

ANOTHER bail out for Holden, ANOTHER Tullamarine rail link study. Nothing
novel in politics this week ...

This week's smattering comes courtesy of Allnutts, Arfermo, Billy Bunter of
Adelaide, Burnout, Diks, Johnny Green, Sack, The Great
Gussius, Tommo963, Whizzbang and the ever mysterious anonymi.

Enjoy!

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I'm Too Old For This Sh*t
 Click here

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Size is relative

Give it a minute or so to load, then when it appears, click START.
Then click and drag the little oval slider on the bottom of the picture.
You'll go from a yoctometer (teeny tiny itsy bitsy) to a yottometer (way
bigger than ginormous) and beyond. This demo is a mind bender!
 Click here

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An Arab enters a taxi..........

Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he
must not hear music as decreed by his religion and, in the time of the
prophet, there was no music, especially Western music which is music of the
infidel's and certainly no radio.

So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, stops the cab and opens
the back door.

The Arab asks him: "What are you doing?"

The cabby answers: "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis.

So get out and wait for a camel."

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Monastic life

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other
monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not
from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to
question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the
first copy, it would never be picked up!

In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,
but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the
original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't
been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him
banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,

"The word was ... CELEBRATE!!"

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Definition of occupation

TAX TIME

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to
file her taxes..

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few
questions." He gets her name, address, social security number,
etc. and then asks, What's your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, " Let's try to rephrase
that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken
farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a
prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand c*cks last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."

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This, apparently is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office.

Dear Sirs,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.
How is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows
that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1977, and yet,
the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my
pension book, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past
30 years. It is on my National Health card, my driving license, my car
insurance, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those stupid
customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the
plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is
Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be abso-f*cking-lutely
astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!

I apologise, I'm really p*ssed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've
had enough of this bullsh*t! You send the application to my house, then you
ask me for my f*cking address!

What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal ar*eholes workin'
there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to
dig up Yasser Arafat, for sh*t sakes. I just want to go and park my ar*e on
some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone please tell me, why would you
give a sh*t whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I
ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you
me, you'd be the last f*cking people I'd want to tell!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy
city to get another f*cking copy of my birth certificate,
to the tune of £30. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in
the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??


Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather
have us running all over the f*ckin' place like chickens with our heads cut
off, then have to find some ar*ehole to confirm that it's really me on the
damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?!
(bureaucratic f*ckin' morons) Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we
wanted to? Because we're totally p*ssed off!

Signed

An Irate Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to
confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776.
I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full
security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly
secretive missions all over the world.

However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know,
someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN
F*CKING PAKISTAN!

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The 1% of the 1% at work

The nerds (meek) WILL rule the Earth. This is 16 minutes of the most
inspiring creation in mechanical and electronic engineering.
 Click here

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Ronnie Barker

Brighten your day with a look at this
 Click here

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Sound Advice

There is a bit more than a year until the election, an election that will
decide the next Prime Minister of Australia.

The person elected will be the Prime Minister of all Australians, not just
the Coalition or Labor.

To show our solidarity as Australians, let's all get together and show each
other our support for the candidate of

our choice. It's time that we come together, Liberal, Independents, and
Labor alike.

If you support the policies and character of the Liberal party, please
drive with your headlights on during the day.

If you support Labour, please drive with your headlights off at night.

Thank you, may God bless you, and God bless Australia.

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MELBOURNE IN 1946!

If you want to see the site of your home, 66 years ago, click on the part
of this map where your place is located, then zoom in by clicking on the
part of the aerial pic that you want. The house in which I'm typing this
was not yet built - the house site is a tennis court!
 Click here

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The Abominations...........

A recently ordained Irish priest was delivering his first sermon to his new
parish.

"As I drove into your town last week, I witnessed three abominations:
First, I saw a man in a field committing an unnatural act with a sheep.
I drove on farther and saw another man committing the same vile act with
another sheep. *
And then, at the edge of town, I saw a man committing an abomination with
himself."

A voice spoke up from the back of the congregation: "Aye, that'll be old
Paddy Fitzpatrick. He never could catch a sheep!"

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You have all seen a traffic sign that say something to the effect that the
road is patrolled by flying aircraft. There's a lot of them in the desert
which is a good place to put them, because of the wide open spaces. But in
a winding tree covered area!!! Who the heck is going to obey the sign? And,
what are they going to do about it if you're caught? Maybe the State of
California should put more of the signs up and enforce the compliance.
 Click here

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For the dedicated hypochondriac

Roll your mouse over any of the 24 vertebrae in the human spine! Roll
slowly, what a fascinating demo of how our spine affects our bodies. Move
your mouse over back bones and see the parts that are affected! What an
amazing site.
 Click here

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iPad for Seniors
 Click here

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One of the most hard working Filipino enforcer. He keeps everybody happy in
his area; SMart Araneta center, Cubao QC. This man is always smiling. A
good Filipino citizen. The spirit of Michael Jackson is with him at all
times. Check this out....
 Click here

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Karma - Gotta love It
 Click here

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Cure

A c*cky in Western Australia took on a new hand. For breakfast, lunch and
tea, day in, day out, week after week, he was fed a ration of rabbits -
baked, stewed, fried, grilled, braised and roasted.
The new hand became violently ill. The boss scratched his head, and when
that did no good, he gave the patient a good solid dose of
Epsom salts.
The new hand showed no sign of recovery so the farmer decided it would be
cheaper to bring out the local doctor than to bury the poor bloke.
"Hmm!" said the doctor. "Looks like food poisoning. What have you been
eating?"
"Rabbits, doc," moaned the new hand. "I've ate rabbits for breakfast, lunch
and tea for the past three weeks."
"What sort of treatment have you had?"
"Epsom salts, doc."
"My good man, " said the doctor firmly, "you don't need Epsom salts. You
need ferrets!"

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History lesson

A young chap was boundary riding on a vast Queensland estate, and one day
in 1947 he came upon a very old hatter living high up in the hills.

First thing the old man asked was, "How's the war going?"

"Gosh!" said the boundary rider, "it's been over nearly two years!"

"Who won?" came the eager query.

"We did, of course."

The old fellow gave the semblance of a hearty chuckle and rubbed his
gnarled hands with pleasure.

"My word, it's been a long struggle," he said. "But I'll bet Queen
Victoria's pleased. She never did like those b***** Boers!"

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A man says to his wife "I had a wet dream about you last night" "Aww did
you?" wife replies.

"Yeah, I dreamt you were hit by a bus and p*ssed myself laughing

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Man goes into brothel in Amsterdam and asks the madam for the fattest bird
with the saggiest tits and a minge like a ripped out old fireplace, the
madam says "feeling kinky sir?" "No," replies the man, "just f*cking
homesick" !

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A man went on a ski trip and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. He
called his insurance company from the hospital, but they refused to cover
his injury.

"Why is the injury not covered?" he asked.

"You got hit in the head by a chair lift," the insurance rep said. "That
makes you an idiot and we consider that a pre-existing condition."

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I used to be scared of dogs. Then I realized that dogs are just as scared
of me as I am of them; they just show it differently.
They show it by barking and snapping at me, and I show it by soiling
myself."
- Dakota Shepard

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This is a s*x test for old people. The object is to see how fast can you
guess the words.

Hey, who said old people don't think about s*x!!!

How fast can you guess these words?

1. B o o _ s

2. _ _ n d o m

3. F _ _ k

4. P _ n _ s

5. P u _ s _

Answers Below, Don't cheat

Answers:

1. Books

2. Random

3. Fork

4. Pants

5. Pulse

You got all 5 wrong DIDN'T YOU?

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The pick-up couple was relaxing after a satisfying session of lovemaking.
The guy considered himself lucky to have been able to attract and bed such
a luscious looking dish. He was even considering trying to establish a
relationship instead of just a one-night stand.

But he couldn't help but to think that he had met her before. "I can't help
feeling that we've met before." he said.

"Yeah, I know," sighed the girl stretching. "It happens to me a lot. I
think they call this 'de ja screw.

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This bloke was telling a girl in the pub about his uncanny ability to guess
the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then ... try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling, she began to lose patience. "Come on,"
she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

He took my hands from her chest and replied, "Yesterday?

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Young Bubba was courting Ellie Mae, who lived on an adjoining farm. One
evening, they were sitting on Bubba's

porch watching the sun go down over the hills. Bubba spied his prize bull
'servicing' one of his cows. He sighed

in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the time was right
for him to put some pressure on Ellie Mae.

He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, "Ellie Mae, I'd sure like to
be doin' what that bull is doin'."

"Well then, why don't you?" Ellie Mae whispered back. "It IS your cow, you
know.

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A Pleased Psychic

I am not a believer in sťances, but I went to one just to see what they are
like. The psychic was doing his thing and grinning from ear to ear. I
assumed his merriment was due to the fact that he was fooling a gullible
public and gave him a poke in the nose. You can probably guess the rest.

I was arrested for striking a happy medium.

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Vultures Are Flying

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the
trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were
carrying two dead possums. "Do you wish to check the possums through as
luggage?" she asked.

"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."

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Murphy's Rules of S*x

~ Never have s*x with a stranger unless you are stranger than them.
~ Abstain from wine, women, and song mostly song.
~ Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
~ A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he
couldn't.
~ It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
~ Don't say no, say maybe, say any old thing, say come back in the spring,
but don't say no.
~ A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
~ Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
~ Beauty is skin deep, ugly goes right to the bone.
~ S*x is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation, the other eight are
unimportant.

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Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down
and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This
morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss
told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office
puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and
zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage
door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my
garage door was open, did you see my V8 Ute parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two
flat tires.

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Facebook Privacy apology by Mark Zuckerberg, founder of Facebook. Not
really, but if he did apologize about Facebook's new privacy policy this is
probably what it would look like.
 Click here

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Blondes Fishing

These two blondes rent a boat and go fishing in a lake. They're amazed at
the number of fish that they catch, so one says to the other, "We'll have
to come back here tomorrow!"

The other asks, "But how will we remember where this spot is?"

The first blonde then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on the bottom
of the boat, and says, "We'll just look for this X tomorrow."

The other blonde says, "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same
boat?"

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You Know You've Had Too Much Coffee When...

* You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked

* You grind your coffee beans in your mouth

* You sleep with your eyes open

* You have to watch videos in fast-forward

* You lick your coffee pot clean

* Your eyes stay open when you sneeze

* The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse

* You can type sixty words a minute with your feet

* You can jump-start your car without cables

* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee

* You've worn the finish off you coffee table

* Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house

* You're so wired you pick up FM radio

* Instant coffee takes too long

* You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can

* You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar"

* Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position

* Your first-aid kit contains two Litres of coffee with an I.V. hookup

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When I see one of my two favourite Beer on sale, I buy it by the case. A
mate asked me, "Are you addicted to the stuff?" I thought for a second. And
responded, "I don't know...I've never run out."

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A woman loses both ears in an accident. A plastic surgeon she consults
tells her that ear transplants are still in the testing stage, but he will
do what he can. The woman undergoes the operation, and after a time she
returns to the surgeon's office to have the bandages removed and the
stitches taken out.

After examining her, the doctor tells her everything seems to have gone
well, and she seems pleased with his work. The next day,
however, she calls the plastic surgeon in a rage.

"You know what you did?" she screams. "You gave me a man's ears."

"Well," says the surgeon, "an ear is an ear. What is wrong? Can't you
hear?"

"I hear everything," she says. "The problem is I do not understand anything
I am told."

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The Sydney Airport management has admitted that it was wrong to let its
screeners strip search two elderly women last month.
However, the screeners won't be punished ... because living with the memory
of what they saw is punishment enough.

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Parahawking ....
 Click here

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T shirt
 Click here

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Man in toilet!
 Click here

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New on the job?
 Click here

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Your next flight seat mate? Oh the joys of flying Jetstar
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Love This Cop!

A police motorcycle officer stops a driver for shooting through a red
light.

The driver is a real bar steward, steps out of his car and comes striding
toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the
Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist
instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, s*xual
orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying a d*ckybird.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower
right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to
the 'violator' for his signature.

The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points
to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're
an ar*ehole."

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record
and he has a heap of points and is in danger of losing his licence, so he
hired a barrister to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red
light.

Under cross examination the barrister for the defence asks; "Officer is
this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

The police officer replies: "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his
signature and mine, same number at the top."

Barrister: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this
ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH,"
underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for ar*ehole?"

"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do."

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S*x at 82
 Click here

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How to make your friends invisible in Photographs ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Aspro Clear
 Click here

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Bruce Lee
 Click here
This is a short clip done in the late 60's of Bruce Lee using Nun chucks to
defeat a Ping Pong game opponent. Even two opponents.
(This is actually being used as part of Nokia phone promotion campaign
overseas, but the footage is real).

His focus on speed, reflexes and accuracy was absolutely incredible! And
this was long before the days of photo-shop and high-tech special effects.

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Winnning
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Justice comes in small bites. Watch it through to the end:
 Click here

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Boys' Toys ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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New WalMartians ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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Some outback signs
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Thai Floods? - no problem
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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BEER CARRYING SPITFIRES OF WORLD WAR II
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

In the lighter moments of World War II, the Spitfire was used in an
unorthodox role: bringing beer kegs to the men in Normandy.

During the war, the Heneger and Constable brewery donated free beer to the
troops. After D-Day, supplying the invasion troops in
Normandy with vital supplies was already a challenge. Obviously, there was
no room in the logistics chain for such luxuries as beer or other types of
refreshments. Some men, often called sourcers, were able to get wine or
other niceties from the land or rather from the locals. RAF Spitfire pilots
came up with an even better idea.

The Spitfire Mk IX was an evolved version of the Spitfire, with pylons
under the wings for bombs or tanks. It was discovered that the bomb pylons
could also be modified to carry beer kegs. According to pictures that can
be found, various sizes of kegs were used.
Whether the kegs could be jettisoned in case of emergency is unknown. If
the Spitfire flew high enough, the cold air at altitude would even refresh
the beer, making it ready for consumption upon arrival.

A variation of this was a long range fuel tank modified to carry beer
instead of fuel. The modification even received the official designation
Mod. XXX. Propaganda services were quick to pick up on this, which probably
explains the official designation.

A staged shot of the Mod. XXX tank being filled.

As a result, Spitfires equipped with Mod XXX or keg-carrying pylons were
often sent back to Great-Britain for maintenance or liaison duties. They
would then return to Normandy with full beer kegs fitted under the wings.

The Spitfire had very little ground clearance with the larger beer kegs.

Typically, the British Revenue of Ministry and Excise stepped in, notifying
the brewery that they were in violation of the law by exporting beer
without paying the relevant taxes. Leave it to government civilians to
figure out a way to harass the fighting troops!!) It seems that Mod. XXX
was terminated then, but various squadrons found different ways to
refurbish their stocks. Most often, this was done with the unofficial
approval of higher echelons.

In his book Dancing in the Skies, Tony Jonsson, the only Icelancer pilot in
the RAF, recalled beer runs while he was flying with 65
Squadron. Every week a pilot was sent back to the UK to fill some
cleaned-up drop tanks with beer and return to the squadron.
Jonsson hated the beer runs as every man on the squadron would be watching
you upon arrival. Anyone who made a rough landing and dropped the tanks
would be the most hated man on the squadron for an entire week.

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Ar*eholed by a Real Estate Agent
 Click here
Nuff said. Only in Geelong.

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Who Is To Blame?
 Click here
I thought this remark was funny considering the topic is now part of the
Queensland elections.

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Ingenious
 Click here

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Nothing finer or s*xier than a naked woman dropping soap in the shower.
 Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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