Friday humour - March 16, 2012

From Gussius @ Bluehaze

Predictions are all the rage for 2012. Here is a sample:

The Mayan's will fade into irrelevant oblivion in December this year -
whether their calendar was right or wrong.  If you want to see into the
future or know more about your real personality, hidden strengths &
untapped potential, thousands of websites will happily relieve you of your
cash.

Variations of Nigerian letter scams and credit card swindles will emerge to
help reduce your bank balance. Some clown will post yet another viral video
to demonstrate how quality journalism is dead and buried unless you pay up.

Followers of your scripture of choice, can rely on prophets of doom
providing their bank details so you can forsake worldly goods & cash before
the Rapture. Non-believers won't be overlooked as your income chases third
world pay rates and superannuation & bank savings continue to gravitate to
our billionaires. Investors in the disintegrating euro zone can expect to
be separated from much more of their remaining post-GFC assets, just like
everyone else in the world, except Asia.

And to cap off the year, Virgos will finally lose their virginity as well
as their cash.


Contributors this week include Anonymous3, Burnout, Johnny Green,
Nottingham Smithie, Sack, Sir
Edward, Tommo963, Whizzbang, Duke of Barsinov, Kaos_reflex and ever
faithful Anonymous.


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An Oklahoma Kid's first Bow and Arrow set:

Life as a child growing up on a farm in Oklahoma ....

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow
beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking
arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a
1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down?
Tough ?sumbich?.

That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazard fan that I was,
I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw
gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place.

One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak
stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny
brand new can of starting fluid (Ether).

A light bulb went off in my head.

I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably
just spray out in a disappointing manner. Lets face it, to a 10 yr old
mouth-breather like myself, (Ether), really doesn't "sound" flammable.

So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of black powder for
muzzle loader rifles.

At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of
black powder.

My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the (Ether) can but it
all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie, a 1 lb. black powder and 16 oz
(Ether) should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know?

You know what? Screw that I'm going back in the house for the other can,
so I got a second can of black powder and dumped it too. Now we're cookin'.

I stepped back about 15 ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to
my cheek and took aim. As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched
from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting
out of the truck... OH SHOOT! He just got home from work.

So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the
can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his
eyes.

I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the
starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of
black powder and into the can. Oh shoot.
When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was
the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back
from 235 fricking decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse
of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was
dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1 ft above the ground as far as I could
see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of
grasshoppers, spiders, and a worm or two.

The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this... THE COTTON PICKING
DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE.

There was a big sweet gum tree out by the gate going into the pasture.
Notice I said "was". That sucker got up and ran off.

So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my
thundercats T-Shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport,
having what I can only assume is, a Vietnam flashback: ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE
YOU'RE BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE. DAMN IT CEASE FIRE!!!!!

His hat has blown off and is 30 ft behind him in the driveway. All windows
on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling
mushroom cloud about 2000 ft. over our backyard.

There is a Honda 185 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the
fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires.

I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know - I know I
said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head.

I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really matter.
I don't remember much from this point on.

I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp
pain, blacked out, woke later....repeat this process for an hour or so and
you get the idea.

I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR. and Dad screaming
"Bring him back to life so I can kill him again". Thanks Mom.

One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again.

Mom had been bitching about that thing for years and dad never did anything
about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business.

Dad sold his muzzle loader a week or so later. I still have some sort of
bone growth abnormality, either from the blast or the beating, or both.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery. It's good
discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life.

Author Unknown

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Ping Pong..... Anyone?:
 Click here

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Wise Words from a Stockbroker:

I called my stockbroker and asked him what I should be buying.

He said, "if the current government is in office much longer, tinned food,
a generator, water and ammunition are your best bets."

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Wine:

I just read an article about a lady who makes ice cubes from left over
wine.

I am so confused !  What the hell is left over wine?

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AirTasker:

Example. You're at home and tired. You know you need to wash the car. You
post it to the site "someone to wash my car inside and out. I will supply
the materials"  and you offer whatever for it ($25) and away you go.

This stuff is fascinating. How this social media is used so widely.
 Click here

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b'boom!:

Two guys are sitting at a bar

One says to the other "Did you know that Lions have s*x 8 to 10 times a
night?"

The other guys responds "That figures.  I just joined Rotary!"

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Model Airplanes:
 Click here

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ALPINE COASTER RIDE:

Like it says below, click the thing in FULL SCREEN, and really watch the
track and where you are going. If you concentrate on the ride, you'll
actually feel it.

NOTE: Not for weak hearted and one can only hope there is no bear, deer,
goat, or some other animal crossing at the same time. WOW !!!!

This coaster ride down an Alpine mountain on a single rail is awesome.

Think of what it must feel like in person knowing that there are no brakes!

Set on full screen, turn up the audio and HOLD ON!
 Click here

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Mirror, mirror on the wall:

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old
Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.

In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it. Not ever
having seen a mirror before,
he remarked at the image staring back at him.

'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way
home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the
shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing,
he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed. So, one day
after her husband left,
she went to the shed and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's
running around with.'

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On the Mobile:

You know how irritating mobile phone users are when they fail to exercise
discretion and think the world needs to know their business? When you have
enjoyed as much as you can stand you can now get you own back!!!
enjoy!!!

 After a busy day he settled down in his train from Waterloo for a nap as
far as his destination at Winchester, when the chap sitting near him hauled
out his mobile and started up:- "Hi darling it's Peter, I'm on the train -
yes, I know it's the 6.30 not the 4.30 but I had a long meeting - no, not
with that floozie from the typing pool, with the boss no darling you're the
only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc. This was
still going on at Wimbledon , when the young woman opposite, driven beyond
endurance, yelled at the top of her voice,

"Hey, Peter, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed!!"


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Wasn't this us ?:

A little house with three bedrooms,
One bathroom and one car on the street.
A mower that you had to push to make the grass look neat.

In the kitchen on the wall
We only had one phone,
And no need for recording things,
Someone was always home.

We only had a living room
Where we would congregate,
Unless it was at mealtime
In the kitchen where we ate.

We had no need for family rooms
Or extra rooms to dine.
When meeting as a family
Those two rooms would work out fine.

We only had one TV set
And channels maybe two,
But always there was one of them
With something worth the view.

For snacks we had potato chips
That tasted like a chip.
And if you wanted flavor
There was Lipton's onion dip.

Store-bought snacks were rare because
My mother liked to cook
And nothing can compare to snacks
In Betty Crocker's book.

Weekends were for family trips
Or staying home to play.
We all did things together --
Even go to church to pray.

When we did our weekend trips
Depending on the weather,
No one stayed at home because
We liked to be together.

Sometimes we would separate
To do things on our own,
But we knew where the others were
Without our own cell phone.

Then there were the movies
With your favorite movie star,
And nothing can compare
To watching movies in your car.

Then there were the picnics
At the peak of summer season,
Pack a lunch and find some trees
And never need a reason.

Get a baseball game together
With all the friends you know,
Have real action playing ball --
And no game video.

Remember when the doctor
Used to be the family friend,
And didn't need insurance
Or a lawyer to defend?

The way that he took care of you
Or what he had to do,
Because he took an oath and strived
To do the best for you.

Remember going to the store
And shopping casually,
And when you went to pay for it
You used your own money?

Nothing that you had to swipe
Or punch in some amount,
And remember when the cashier person
Had to really count?

The milkman used to go
From door to door,
And it was just a few cents more
Than going to the store.

There was a time when mailed letters
Came right to your door,
Without a lot of junk mail ads
Sent out by every store...

The mailman knew each house by name
And knew where it was sent;
There were not loads of mail addressed
To "present occupant."

There was a time when just one glance
Was all that it would take,
And you would know the kind of car,
The model and the make.

They didn't look like turtles
Trying to squeeze out every mile;
They were streamlined, white walls, fins
And really had some style.

One time the music that you played
Whenever you would jive,
Was from a vinyl, big-holed record
Called a forty-five.

The record player had a post
To keep them all in line
And then the records would drop down
And play one at a time.

Oh sure, we had our problems then,
Just like we do today
And always we were striving,
Trying for a better way.

Oh, the simple life we lived
Still seems like so much fun,
How can you explain a game,
Just kick the can and run?

And why would boys put baseball cards
Between bicycle spokes
And for a nickel, red machines had little bottled Cokes?

This life seemed so much easier and slower in some ways.
I love the new technology but I sure do miss those days.

So time moves on and so do we
and nothing stays the same,
but I sure love to reminisce and walk down memory lane.

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FACEBOOK:

This perfectly describes what Facebook is all about.
 Click here

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Living in the past:
 Click here

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Doc, you've got to help me!:

"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "you've got to help me!

Every night I have the same horrible dream I'm lying in bed when all of the
sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."

The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"

"I push them away."

"I see. What do you want me to do?"

The patient implored. "Break my arms."

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You know it's time for a diet when:

You dive into a swimming pool so your friends can go surfing.

You have to apply your makeup with a paint roller.

Weight Watchers demands your resignation.

You step on a pennyweight scale that gives you your fortune and it says,
"One at a time please!"

Your face is so full that you look like you're wearing horn-rimmed contact
lenses.

The bus driver asks you to sit on the other side because he wants to make a
turn without flipping over.

You're at school in the classroom and turn around and erase the entire
blackboard

They throw puffed rice at your wedding.

You hiccup in your bathing suit, and it looks like someone adjusting a
venetian blind.

You fall down and try to get up, and in the process rock yourself to sleep.

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Mountain bike videos:

A Clever Mountain Biking Video in HD with some nice footage and clever
technical tricks in the editing
 Click here

Yoann Barelli riding his new DH bike made by Lapierre in San Remo, Italy.
 Click here

Whistler Mountain Bike Park is expanding it's terrain and opening the Peak
Chair for alpine mountain biking with the launch of the new Top of the
World alpine trail. The new trail adds 1,091 feet of vertical to the Bike
Park for a total of 4,946 feet and allows rider to experience Whistler's
expansive and vast mountain environment that it's famous for.
 Click here

Mountain Bike Video. The Parkin bros test out their new Red Epic camera by
taking it to the top of Catbells in the Lake District, UK. A nice
combination of MTB and Artistic filming style with some very nice slow
motion footage of the gravel kicked up by the back wheel in the corners, a
water puddle splash effect and some impressive riding of a heavily tree
root infested section of track.
 Click here

Australian National (Mountain Bike Downhill)Champs 2012 - Adelaide SA
 Click here

Australian (MTB Downhill) Gravity Cup 2011/2012 Round 3 - Mt Stromlo,
Canberra, Australia
 Click here

Australian National Round 1 (MTB Downhill) - Thredbo, NSW, Australia
 Click here

Jerome Clementz in (Mountain Bike) action - video
 Click here

Two wheels. Two pedals. Two points of views. This is a multi-angle
celebration of the awesomest vehicle on earth: the Mountainbike.
 Click here

Bike riding skills. "Not If, But When" with a bad fall toward the end
 Click here

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Appreciation:

Quite surprisingly, she asked if he could help:

One evening, a thirteen-year-old came in while her parents were setting the
table for dinner.

Quite surprisingly, she asked if she could help.

Her mother said, "No, but I appreciate your asking."

The child responded, "Well, I appreciate your saying no.

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One liners:

A women enjoys a man of strong will - as long as it's made out to her.

My wife asked the priest if he believed in s*x before marriage.
The priest replied 'Not if it's going to make me late for the ceremony.

My wife said to me 'You're everything I want in a man'. I said
'And what's that?' She answered 'Not much!'

Did you hear about the Irish bride and groom who sat up all night waiting
for their s*xual relations to arrive ?

Two TV antennas got married ... the wedding was boring, but the reception
was great !

Society really needs children; they are essential to a marriage -
how else do we program the video cassette or DVD recorder ?

The Father of the Bride said: 'It's not everyday that I give away a
daughter, although there have been a few times when I've wanted to.'

Marriage is like a game of noughts and crosses -when Julie is cross, Jim
gets nought.

The wife said, 'No, I don't wake up sleepy and irritable - I let him sleep
in.'

The husband said 'Our marriage is based on trust and understanding - she
doesn't trust me, and I don't understand her'.

She offered her honour, he honoured her offer and all night long it was
honour and offer

My Daughter has not given us any trouble - as long as my wife and
I did what we were told.

The two most important words in a marriage are 'Yes Dear'.

I overheard my wife asking her friends the other day 'What do you prefer -
s*x or cake?' Her friend asked 'What kind of cake ?

There are 2 sets to a successful marriage: firstly, let your wife think she
is having her own way and secondly, let her have her own way !

I asked my wife what was on the TV - she said 'Dust'.

I am not a 'yes' man to my wife - when she says 'no' I say 'no'

It's not who wears the pants that matters; it's how much money is in the
pockets.

The bride looks absolutely stunning - the groom looks absolutely stunned.

The first time the groom set eyes on the bride he was awe struck by her
looks - to him, she was drop dead gorgeous. He said to her 'You're
gorgeous' - and she said, 'Drop dead!'

Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. It's TRUE!
Statistically 100% of all divorces started with marriage!

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was
'Always'.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and
rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

What is the difference between a dog and a fox ? About 5 drinks

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One liners:

"In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have guns and you
don't have a gun. If you commit a crime it's, 'Stop...or I'll say stop
again'!"

Robin Williams

I wonder why that correspondence course on "Mail Fraud" that I purchased,
never showed up....

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A Brickies tale:

A bricklayer routinely complained about the contents of his lunch box:

A bricklayer routinely complained about the contents of his lunch box.

"I'm sick and tired of getting the same old thing!" he shouted one day.
"Tonight, I'll set my wife straight."

The next day, the men could hardly wait until lunchtime to hear what
happened.

"You bet I told her off," the bricklayer boasted. "I said, 'No more of the
same old stuff. Be creative!' We had one heck of a fight, but I got my
point across."

He had indeed. In front of an admiring audience, he opened his lunch box to
find that his wife had packed a coconut and a hammer.

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Humour:

"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the
funeral in one car."
~Steven Wright

President Jimmy Carter's mother, Lillian Carter, once told a story of a
reporter who showed up at her house to interview her.
She opened the door, invited him in and said she was so pleased to meet
him.

During the interview, the reporter presses her on whether or not she has
ever told a lie. She says 'not really,' but he pressed her again, and she
said maybe she's told a little white lie.

He asks what that means she says, "You know how I told you I was pleased to
meet you when you came in? That was a lie."


A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an
examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about two seconds to say "Gimme a break lady!
Your daughter is pregnant."

The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her
daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother
became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window!
Aren't you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time
this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was
hoping they would show up again and help me figure this out."

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Jokes:

When her late husband's Will was read, a widow learned he had left the bulk
of his fortune to another woman.

Enraged, she rushed to change the inscription on her spouse's tombstone.

"Sorry, lady," said the stonecutter. "I inscribed 'Rest in Peace' on your
orders. I can't change it now."

"Very well," she said grimly. "Just add, 'Until We Meet Again.'


A customer was really hassling an airline agent at the ticket counter --
yelling and using foul language. However, the agent was polite, pleasant
and smiled while the customer continued to abuse her.

When the man finally left, the next person in line said to the agent, "Does
that happen often? I can't believe how nice you were to him."

The agent smiled and said, "No problem, I took care of it. He's going to
Perth. His bags are going to Bangkok."


A slightly unsure witness to a car crash kept saying things  like, "I think
the light was yellow," or, "I think it was still  raining."

The cross-examining lawyer interrupted, saying derisively, "We  don't care
what you think. What do you know?"

The harried witness paused  for a moment and then replied, "Then I may as
well leave the witness stand.  Since I'm not a lawyer, I can't talk without
thinking."

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Jokes:

Q) What's the similarity between getting a bl*w job from an eighty year old
woman and walking a tightrope?
A) In both cases, you really don't want to look down.


Pauly and Maury are having a drink at the bar and chatting. Pauly looks
forlorn and Maury asks him what if there are any problems.

Pauly: "I got fired from my construction job."

Maury" "What happened?"

"You know what a foreman is?" asked Pauly. "The one who stands around and
watches the other men work?"

"What's that got to do with it?" asked Maury

"Well, he just got jealous of me," Pauly explained. "Everyone thought I was
the foreman.


A blonde called in a repairman to fix her electric clock.

He examined it and told her, "There's nothing wrong with the clock.
You didn't have it plugged in."

She replied, "I don't want to waste electricity, so I only plug it in when
I want to know what time it is."


Every Friday was payday. On that day there was always more than fifteen
thousand dollars in the company safe. During the lunch hour one Friday, the
pay roll clerk was alone in the office when two masked robbers entered.

"This is a stick-up," said one of the pair, pointing a gun at the clerk.
"Make a move and I'll drill you. Just open the safe and you won't get
hurt."

Fearing for his life, the clerk obeyed, and the bandits scooped up all the
money and put it in their pockets.

As they made for the door, the clerk shouted, "Just a minute!
Please take the payroll books too! The auditors are coming tomorrow!

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Jokes:

What do you call a prostitute with her hand in her panties?
Self employed.


A salesman, who is getting ready for his next trip, asks his wife to
include a condom in his suitcase. His wife instantly asks why? He replies,
"Just a reminder if I want to try something different."
She grabs a bar of soap, drops it into one of his socks,
swings it in the air, and WHAM! swings it up between his balls... After
much pain, and gathering his composure,
he asks, "Why the hell did you do that?"
She replies, "Just a reminder if you want to try some-
thing different."


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Sit with my wife:

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of
her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the bus driver, I have a
dead pussy.

The bus driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit
with my wife. You two have a lot in common."


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It's just like my husband's:

A mortician was laying out the body of a man with an unbelievably long
penis.

He called in his receptionist to show her.

She took one look and said, "It's just like my husband's penis."

"Wow, you mean he's got one that long?" the mortician asked.

"No," she replied. "That dead."


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Shot my first turkey yesterday!:

Scared the cr*p out of everyone in the frozen food section.
It was awesome!

Getting' old is so much fun...

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Refugee Poem:

This very clever... and so true...

I cross ocean, one  way trip,
pay people smuggler  one big tip
Green man, his name Bob  Brown,
he welcomes all of us  to town.
He big man in Government now I think.
He sends us off  to  Centrelink.
Welfare  say, You come no more,
we send cash right to  your door".
Welfare cheques - they make you wealthy!
Medicare - it keep  you healthy!
By and by,   I get plenty money.
Thanks to you, you  Aussie dummy!
Write to  friends in motherland.
Tell them  'come fast as  you can.. " before all is changed  to  Abbott
plan¯
They come  in turbans and  Toyota trucks,
 And buy big house  with welfare bucks!
They come here, we live together.
 More welfare cheques,  it gets better!
Fourteen families, they moving in,
 But neighbour  patience wearing thin.
Finally, Aussie guy  moves away.
 Now I buy his house,  then say,
'Find more  immigrants for house to rent. "  And in the  yard   I put a
tent.
Everything is  very good,
 and soon we own the  neighbourhood.
We have hobby, it's called breeding.
 Welfare pay for baby  feeding.
Kids need dentist? Wives need pills?
 We get free! We got  no bills!
Australians crazy! They work all year,
 to keep the welfare  running here.
We think Australia darn good place.
 Too darn good for  Aussie race!
If they not like us, they can scram.
 Lots of space in  Afghanistan!

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Photo of the new generation:
 Click here

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How Eve died:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Aquarium_in_Dubai:

This aquarium/resort/mall in Dubai is something else. Just see what oil
money buys!
 Click here

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Sign on highway in So. California - hysterical:
 Click here

This is hysterical – make sure you watch till the end – how sad, how true,
how funny……

This is priceless. Watch to the VERY end

Anyone who has been on I-5 South near San Diego has seen this sign. It’s
designed to warn motorists that there may be illegal immigrants running
across the freeway in an attempt to enter the USA.
Unfortunately, deaths have resulted from this activity, and the signs warn
drivers to be alert for people on the freeways.
Now for the video. Listen to the Cal-Trans pencil-pushing bureaucrat try to
avoid answering a direct question about the signs. This is political
correctness at its best, and it’s both hysterical and sad!
Only in America...And, of course, California!

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Loyalty:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Nothing compares to the love of a dog!
Act the way you want to feel, and behave in ways worthy of your own self
respect.

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Camo:
 Click here

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Shark story:
 Click here

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How to put on a Bikini: [XXX]
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

NOW THAT'S HOW TO PUT ON A BIKINI !

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Especially for sub editors:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

WHO WAS LOOKING WHEN THESE WERE WRITTEN?

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AND GOD CREATED SYDNEY:

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found
him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look,
Michael. Look what
I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it
Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'"

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern
Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern
Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white
people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all
things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely
hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and
said, "What's that one?"

"That's Sydney, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees
and gardens a beautiful river, and days filled with sunshine. The people
from Sydney are going to be handsome, modest,
intelligent, and  humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They
will be extremely sociable,
hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good
things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about
balance, God? You said there would be 'balance.'"

God smiled, "I will create Canberra.  Wait till you see the idiots I put
there."

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KONY 2012:

Is it a hoax?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

KONY 2012 has begun to receive significant backlash from organizations and
publications questioning the authenticity of the campaign.

 Click here Click here

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Russian Fairness:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Thermometer test:
 Click here

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Pool table:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Gong Treatment:
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Beschilderde huizen in Beieren:

In both Dutch and German it says Painted Houses in Bavaria -Germany
 Click here

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PICKERING ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

 Pickering Again.......................

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Airport security stats:
 Click here

Year to Date statistics for the National $ecurity Agency

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Titanic - early photos of Construction through to Launch & demise:
 Click here

This fantastic construction job which was completed in 1908 and the demise
of both the ship and most of it's passengers on it's maiden voyage gives
serious food for thought.

To me it reflects great contrasts. The excellent construction job with
[perhaps] inadequate ship/passenger safety instructions to the captain from
White Star Lines directors.
Coupled with that, the pompous arrogant and deadly attitude on the part of
the Captain and officers in failing to curtail the ship's speed and take
adequate precautions in the north west Atlantic where dangerous
icebergs were already well known.

This Power Point is in German - Sound On.
Extremely powerful construction of its time in the Belfast, Northern
Ireland shipyard, with a workforce of 17,000.

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Random pictures:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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Irish Petrol Station

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free S*x with Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free s*x.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly, he would get his free s*x.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No s*x this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another
Fill-up. Again he asked for his free s*x.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the
correct number. Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it
was 3. You were close, but no free s*x this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free s*x.'

Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all.
My wife won twice last week.'

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Pics of a problem:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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Couple of Good ones:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


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Make a job interesting:
 Click here
No matter what your job, you should always try and make it interesting ....

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Now unroll it, I'm starving:
 Click here
Now this is a strong woman!

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

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[ End friday humour ]

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